LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > General > General Relationship Discussion

#MeToo and an OW's experience


General Relationship Discussion Everything else under the sun. Not sure where to post? This is the place!

Like Tree222Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 30th January 2018, 11:37 AM   #31
Established Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: United States
Posts: 4,838
Let me get this straight. So everyone (or at least everyone female) led astray and who decides to get with MM gets to say she was a victim too, there is something called "grooming", all OM has to do is use the Magic Words and the poor little woman (tee hee hee!) well she can't really be expected to be held accountable and be strong enough to say no.

WOW I am going to guess people who were truly victims of SA have to be pissed reading this thread and the responses on here!
__________________
You'll thank me for saying that later.

Last edited by Imajerk17; 30th January 2018 at 11:42 AM..
Imajerk17 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 30th January 2018, 11:44 AM   #32
Established Member
 
Elswyth's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 25,256
Quote:
Originally Posted by Imajerk17 View Post
Let me get this straight. So everyone (or at least everyone female) led astray and who decides to get with MM gets to say she was a victim too, there is something called "grooming", all OM has to do is use the Magic Words and the poor little woman (tee hee hee!) well she can't really be expected to be held accountable and be strong enough to say no.

WOW I am going to guess people who were truly victims of SA have to be pissed reading this thread and the responses on here!
My impression was that the OP accepted accountability, but was offering other women advice on her MM's modus operandi so that others might not make the same mistake that she did.
__________________
~Perfection is about accepting that we cannot control everything and letting go of some of our preconceived notions.~ -Spiritofnow-
Elswyth is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 30th January 2018, 12:03 PM   #33
Established Member
 
BluesPower's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2016
Posts: 2,705
I don't think anyone is saying that...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Imajerk17 View Post
Let me get this straight. So everyone (or at least everyone female) led astray and who decides to get with MM gets to say she was a victim too, there is something called "grooming", all OM has to do is use the Magic Words and the poor little woman (tee hee hee!) well she can't really be expected to be held accountable and be strong enough to say no.

WOW I am going to guess people who were truly victims of SA have to be pissed reading this thread and the responses on here!
I don't think anyone is saying that...

I think people are saying that you have to take responsibility for your actions, no doubt.

But to say that some women involved in affairs are not taken advantage of in some degree, is too far of a stretch.

People can be taken advantage of, either gender, and that is not mutually exclusive with making bad decisions.
BluesPower is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 30th January 2018, 1:47 PM   #34
Established Member
 
wmacbride's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 3,272
Quote:
Originally Posted by Imajerk17 View Post
Let me get this straight. So everyone (or at least everyone female) led astray and who decides to get with MM gets to say she was a victim too, there is something called "grooming", all OM has to do is use the Magic Words and the poor little woman (tee hee hee!) well she can't really be expected to be held accountable and be strong enough to say no.

WOW I am going to guess people who were truly victims of SA have to be pissed reading this thread and the responses on here!
I was assaulted, and when through the whole soul crushing experience of reporting it and having it go nowhere.

I really don't think that the op is comparing the two in the way you think. I think she's more saying that, there are times in anyone's life ( man or woman)that you can be in a vulnerable position, and there are people who will take advantage of that. Some do it on purpose, and some do it without even realizing it.

Since you can't control their actions, it's important to learn how to recognize these signs this could be happening before an A even gets off the ground at all. That can save a whole lot of heartache, and gives a potential ow or om control over their own life, choices and actions.
__________________
"You don't have to be invisible to disappear"- R. M.
wmacbride is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 30th January 2018, 2:04 PM   #35
Established Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2016
Posts: 190
Lemondrop, I just wanted to communicate that I think you carefully worded your original post and tried very hard to get your point across, and I get it.

Other posters have responded to this thread much more eloquently my own thoughts than I could, so I won't even try. I just wanted to offer my support to you, because I understood what you were hoping to convey.

I never thought of these two types of events (affairs vs. the #MeToo movement) being "the same" or even similar; I just felt that they both often begin with some level of manipulation in an interpersonal interaction and then diverge into their own things. As you said, of course, they are not the same.

That's all.
Vivir is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 30th January 2018, 2:31 PM   #36
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2017
Location: PA
Posts: 22
I often feared my husband was a "groomer", to a point. But I'm not sure I feel that way anymore. What my husband is, is intuitive. He instinctively knew who would be open to an affair, and only pursued those certain ones. He knew this info by all the hours of conversation he had with them about their unhappy marriages and sex lives. Conversations they happily engaged in because they wanted to feel wanted and interesting. Once those boundaries are crossed, the slippery slope gets much steeper really fast.

But from this argument, couldn't we say that anyone can be groomed who has needs (and often in affairs, just wants) they feel aren't being met? If I am starving and you have food, I bet you could tempt me much easier than if I had a full stomach and was content. Is that really grooming, or is it taking advantage of a situation? And is it it taking advantage of a situation, or is it giving someone something they are asking for and in return getting something the other wants? (and not in a rape sense- not the "she was asking for it" way) I do think people can sense others' weaknesses and use it against them, but at some point doesn't the other person have a choice as to how they also behave? I may be starving, but if someone wants me to rob a grocery store with them, I can still know I shouldn't rob the grocery store. Are we accountable for our weaknesses? I think so. I also think once we recognize the weakness, we need to educate ourselves so it has less of a chance at repeating. For me, I do believe there are real groomers, predators that know how to get what they want at any cost and are sociopathic, for most I think it's a mutual use of the other that once it comes to light, shame makes them not want to see what they really are in the scenario, so they look for excuses.

It's a very thought provoking discussion.
QuestioningSoul is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 30th January 2018, 3:13 PM   #37
Established Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 1,472
Quote:
Originally Posted by BluesPower View Post
It is not that men are not taken advantage of by women, but is some of these affair situations, I believe that a lot of women do get taken for a ride.

I don't know how you would ever find out who takes advantage whom more???

Hell, I have been taken advantage of by women before, and I am no kid.

So I cannot say that women are strong, independent and in charge so they cannot be taken advantage of... And I can't say that about men either.

So, since everyone can be weak, and everyone can be taken advantage of you can't really make any definitive statements about either gender.

People make bad decisions, and people get taken advantage of...
No, if a woman has sex with a married man knowingly...she wanted to do it. She may be lied to & that sucks but itís not being taken advantage of, itís called not wanting to own your own bad decision. If she didnít have willing sex with mm she would not have been in that position.

Op is trying to compare knowing she was sleeping with a married man to kids & women that have fully been abused. Not being picked after being the OW does not make a woman a victim...maybe but i only of her own choices.

If OP MM had left his wife would this post exist? Highly doubt it. Bring taken advantage of is so broad. Not getting your way with a MM is not being taken advantage of.

Also this post is about OW feeling married men groomed them...not about every instance of being lied to...so I can Say, if willingly sleeping with a mm or mw no youíre not being taken advantage of...you chose to be on that position. Being taken advantage of is when you donít have the choice.
Whoknew30 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 30th January 2018, 5:11 PM   #38
Established Member
 
BluesPower's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2016
Posts: 2,705
I get what you are saying...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Whoknew30 View Post
No, if a woman has sex with a married man knowingly...she wanted to do it. She may be lied to & that sucks but itís not being taken advantage of, itís called not wanting to own your own bad decision. If she didnít have willing sex with mm she would not have been in that position.

Op is trying to compare knowing she was sleeping with a married man to kids & women that have fully been abused. Not being picked after being the OW does not make a woman a victim...maybe but i only of her own choices.

If OP MM had left his wife would this post exist? Highly doubt it. Bring taken advantage of is so broad. Not getting your way with a MM is not being taken advantage of.

Also this post is about OW feeling married men groomed them...not about every instance of being lied to...so I can Say, if willingly sleeping with a mm or mw no youíre not being taken advantage of...you chose to be on that position. Being taken advantage of is when you donít have the choice.
I get what you are saying... but I still disagree.

There are women in my office that I could have an affair with if I wanted.

I don't and won't but I could. Some are married, some are not, but I am in a relationship.

There are some that would say hey, cool lets screw, I have had my eye on you for a while.

There are some that I would have to spend time with and profess undying love for and poor on the charm.

I would never do this, anymore, but I could.

The point is that it can be done. Those women would make bad decisions because they are venerably. If they have not been around the block, they would not know what was going on except they would be getting the attention that their husband is not giving them.

Now, even with the bad choices, would I not be taking advantage of a woman that was kind of defenseless in that situation.

It is like, if a girl is black out drunk but still standing, you don't have sex with her, it is wrong.

Same thing...
BluesPower is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 30th January 2018, 6:26 PM   #39
Established Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 4,313
Quote:
Originally Posted by QuestioningSoul View Post
I often feared my husband was a "groomer", to a point. But I'm not sure I feel that way anymore. What my husband is, is intuitive. He instinctively knew who would be open to an affair, and only pursued those certain ones. He knew this info by all the hours of conversation he had with them about their unhappy marriages and sex lives. Conversations they happily engaged in because they wanted to feel wanted and interesting. Once those boundaries are crossed, the slippery slope gets much steeper really fast.

But from this argument, couldn't we say that anyone can be groomed who has needs (and often in affairs, just wants) they feel aren't being met? If I am starving and you have food, I bet you could tempt me much easier than if I had a full stomach and was content. Is that really grooming, or is it taking advantage of a situation? And is it it taking advantage of a situation, or is it giving someone something they are asking for and in return getting something the other wants? (and not in a rape sense- not the "she was asking for it" way) I do think people can sense others' weaknesses and use it against them, but at some point doesn't the other person have a choice as to how they also behave? I may be starving, but if someone wants me to rob a grocery store with them, I can still know I shouldn't rob the grocery store. Are we accountable for our weaknesses? I think so. I also think once we recognize the weakness, we need to educate ourselves so it has less of a chance at repeating. For me, I do believe there are real groomers, predators that know how to get what they want at any cost and are sociopathic, for most I think it's a mutual use of the other that once it comes to light, shame makes them not want to see what they really are in the scenario, so they look for excuses.

It's a very thought provoking discussion.
To me, a woman open to an affair is very obvious, like wearing a flashing neon light around her neck. I was unaware of the behavior prior to my wife's affair or maybe I just didn't pay attention.

Grooming, I believe is bogus, the truth is many men just throw out bull$##t then zero in on the women who respond. No special skills or insight, just plain ole numbers game. Flirt with 15 women and one will respond then zero in. Push her boundaries, if she accepts you push again. It's not grooming, it's fishing with 15 poles and taking whatever bits.
DKT3 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 30th January 2018, 7:28 PM   #40
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 112
I've said the affair made me lose a bit of innocence I'd never realized I still had.

Like others, I thought "this is an upstanding married guy who just wants to talk to me" and assumed I was in a safe situation with a group of coworkers. Did not put my guard up. Naive, stupid. I remember being furious when he crossed boundaries. It didn't stop what happened next - but the initial crossing of that line made me white hot mad. Not enough to stop it from progressing. And that bit of naivete, innocence, whatever is forever gone. I don't really blame him (certainly he's lucky he's never gotten in trouble for his actions at work) but I'm more mistrusting of people in general.

I would pose that many of us who get into affairs (but certainly not all) have been in sexually abusive or compromising situations or relationships before, and maybe that's the red flag that says "hey I'm available to be taken advantage of. Come get it!"
BourneWicked is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 30th January 2018, 7:57 PM   #41
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2017
Location: PA
Posts: 22
DKT3; I agree with you a lot. I do believe in grooming, but not as much with adults in affairs. Like I said, I was worried my husband was a predator, and in reality your scenario is correct. He threw out bait questions, sexual in nature, and whoever didn't shut him down, he kept talking to, escalating. I don't think all women open to affairs are obvious, either, but then again I'm not out looking for APs. Maybe when you're looking really hard for something, you see much better.

But I do believe in grooming.
QuestioningSoul is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 30th January 2018, 10:14 PM   #42
Established Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 361
DKT3, that is exactly what happened in my case. When MM first started at work he was casting around for someone to join him in an activity outside of work. He asked me numerous times over several months before I finally relented. Later I found out (from him) a couple of things:

1. He was relentless in his pursuit of anything he desired. His method was to outlast people and wear them down.

2. He had not only asked me but others also. He told me in an offended tone about one woman who asked if his wife would be there. Now I think that lady was a freaking genius.

Now I donít believe that all wandering MM are like mine. I believe many just find themselves in a position they probably never thought theyíd be in. A smaller subset are like mine. Predators.
jah526 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 31st January 2018, 4:42 AM   #43
Established Member
 
SolG's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 972
Thanks lemon. Very provocative thread.

I always feel a bit sad whenever there is a post on this board where the OW/M is obviously very young and/or naive. Particularly under 25. When the brain is still developing and risk assessment and other mental perspectives are still developing. So ripe for being willingly manipulated. And also vilified.

There are people out there who just don't know what they don't know yet. And it makes them not necessarily innocent, but vulnerable.
SolG is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 31st January 2018, 5:15 AM   #44
Established Member
 
Arieswoman's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Cheshire, England
Posts: 3,563
DTK3 post #39

Quote:
Grooming, I believe is bogus, the truth is many men just throw out bull$##t then zero in on the women who respond. No special skills or insight, just plain ole numbers game. Flirt with 15 women and one will respond then zero in. Push her boundaries, if she accepts you push again. It's not grooming, it's fishing with 15 poles and taking whatever bits.
I believe this is true ^^^^

I found out that my exH had asked more than one girl at work for a date - the one girl that said "yes" eventually became the AP. She was 10 years younger than him (22) and in a 'bad place' at the time, but I don't believe she was 'vulnerable' or 'groomed'.
Arieswoman is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 31st January 2018, 8:24 AM   #45
Established Member
 
OpenBook's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Deep South
Posts: 5,691
Quote:
Originally Posted by DKT3 View Post
To me, a woman open to an affair is very obvious, like wearing a flashing neon light around her neck.
What behavior is that? Can you describe it specifically?
__________________
"I prefer silent vice to ostentatious virtue." -Albert Einstein
OpenBook is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Looking for /experience emerica Second Chances 5 20th April 2017 1:46 PM
Some with Experience...H.E.L.P kris-26 Coping 0 4th March 2011 4:22 PM
Anybody else experience this? onewillburn Coping 3 15th December 2009 12:37 AM
Has it been your experience marlena General Relationship Discussion 23 12th June 2007 10:35 AM

 

All times are GMT -4. The time now is 5:25 PM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2013 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.