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Not sure whether to trust this, or not ?


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Old 30th December 2017, 7:48 PM   #1
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Not sure whether to trust this, or not ?

Hi people .
Well, looks like it's my turn again to come on asking the questions again.
l went on a date site a few weeks back , wasn't expecting anything just enjoying chatting to a few women, went and met one or two. Nothing spesh.
But, outa nowhere along came someone.

The goods are l just love everything about her and we get along very very well so far. We talk hours , heaps of fun between us, she wasn't expecting to find this there and neither was l.
She also gone above and beyond and done big things for us and about us so far to make it happen, which l know not many would do , especially from date sites.

But here's the thing , she's well aware of what we have , she's never had this before , l have been lucky enough to but l still know straight off it is right up there, it's damn hard stuff to find, and that's if your lucky.
Buttttt, she's only just gone through divorce, 13mths, l'm 5yrs and a gf since, they were still trying to share the house a couple of years before separate rooms, for the kids, but it wasn't working and now they divorced.
So she hasn't been out in the world as single very long , she's started all these hobbies, she's studying, and making a new start.

Thing is , although she's never had anything like us before and l certainly feel the way l feel too , she's doing all this stuff and sorta talks us just taking it really slowly and she's very busy and enjoying her new hobbies and bla bla. She's 48.
l get slow , l respect slow. But she almost sounds like she's one of the ones enjoying her freedom right now and all the things she's getting into too much to go into something new right now.

l mean if we're good , l'm ready to rumble , l don't wanna eff around for years or fall head over heals only for her to get all wishy washy in 6mths time.oh l'm not ready or bla bla bla.
l mean she's a rare one, l'm so lucky to have even found her like this after ex w and then gf, and she says the same thing, but l still get this oh it's a bit soon feeling from her and in some things she says.

l'm just not sure if l can trust her in this, l'm worried about my feelings and the time that might be wasted if it's just too soon for her later on.

Any thoughts or ways l can suss it out before l let it go any further ?.

Last edited by Chilli; 30th December 2017 at 8:00 PM..
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Old 30th December 2017, 8:12 PM   #2
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It sounds to me like you met her maybe 3 or 4 weeks ago? If that's the case, I think you need to just accept that there's no way to know if it's likely to work ou for a while. There are never any guarantees with anyone, but it seems like she's worth taking a chance on.
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Old 30th December 2017, 8:22 PM   #3
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Quote:
she's never had this before
Quote:
She's 48.
Quote:
She also gone above and beyond and done big things for us
Quote:
sorta talks us just taking it really slowly and she's very busy and enjoying her new hobbies
Ask her what 'taking it really slowly' means to her. Listen. Ask open-ended questions.

Quote:
she's only just gone through divorce, 13mths
In my neck of the woods, at least former woods, she'd already be remarried or living with someone. My exW was typical and she was living with someone *before* we were divorced. Still is, nearly 8 years later.

How long was she married? She is verifiably divorced, right? Color me cynical
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Old 30th December 2017, 8:34 PM   #4
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Thanks grays.


Eh carh.
Ahh , nope , not quite, the divorce is still going through now, she said it;ll be a few mths to finalize.
They sound like they're straight back on the horseback in your old area, it's quite funny really isn't it.

Good idea bout the questions , l have been chipping away quietly with some of them so far,

The listening thing yeah , l get where your coming from and in that l see things she's done for us so far too and also said , they're big things so soon in.
So it is like she does really want this deep down but then she'll talk like l was saying , on the other hand.

They were married 12yrs
l'm not sure if there was any abuse , she hasn't opened up fully about it and l've just left it but she does say it's def' done done done and has been for years.
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Old 30th December 2017, 8:35 PM   #5
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Correct me if Iím wrong, but arenít you still licking your wounds from your ex gf leaving? If so, I donít see how itís any different for her whether it be marriage or a gf/bf relationship.

The good news is that you are opening yourself up to having feelings for somone else.

Posters here seem to think no healthy relationship can take place unless someone has taken X amount of time to move on from the past. Maybe theyíre right, but itís not the way things work in real life.

I say keep going for it but realize she can flake at any minute because they all can. But donít run from potential happiness. Itís not often you meet someone you click with on this level.
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Old 30th December 2017, 10:46 PM   #6
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Eh sc, thanks mate.

Well yes and no , l couldn't go for it with ex , l just couldn't manage it financially yet as we're in different countries so she was going a bit nuts well , that all had a lot to do with it anyway.
So we were on and off the last 8mths or so but yeah, there is still a knock there for sure.

l didn't expect to meet her right now though it surprised me as much as her tbh but l feel pretty good so l'm willing if she is because your damn right.
Can't believe l met her like this tbh but, guess that's how it happens.

Thanks mate , appreciate the 2 x4 think l need it..

Last edited by Chilli; 30th December 2017 at 10:50 PM..
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Old 30th December 2017, 11:16 PM   #7
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Having been in a couple of "separated and divorcing" relationships, I can just tell you you should hold off until it's final at least. Because it's very hard to build trust when she's going to be saying "I have to do something with my husband tonight." They have to divide up stuff, and that's emotional. Nearly all divorcing couples attempt to reunite and sleep together one more time before they really divorce, too. One or the other is usually trying to reunite and keeping the other one stirred up. It's very very stressful esp if there's kids.

So let her get the papers first. Try to keep yourself in check until you do. Because once she's got the papers, if she's human, she is very likely going to go on a little "Wheeeee, I'm single" tear before she commits again.

She's said to take it slow, and for your own good, yes, you should really go at a crawl right now. Transitional people in the breakup rarely last. Not never. Rarely. Good luck. I'm just glad you are feeling hopeful again. Nothing like a new focus to put the old one in perspective, right?
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Old 31st December 2017, 1:13 AM   #8
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Thanks prerah yeah, sorta stuff l was worried about.
They won't be sleeping together or getting abck together that much l can guarantee.
worried about the newfound single hood though l admit. Seen too many women needing a good year or two, 3, of that before they start moaning they need a man again, some never,

l must be unlucky ex w married hers , still together.though she's in filthy moods all the time so who really knows.
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Old 31st December 2017, 1:14 AM   #9
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Originally Posted by preraph View Post
Having been in a couple of "separated and divorcing" relationships, I can just tell you you should hold off until it's final at least. Because it's very hard to build trust when she's going to be saying "I have to do something with my husband tonight." They have to divide up stuff, and that's emotional. Nearly all divorcing couples attempt to reunite and sleep together one more time before they really divorce, too. One or the other is usually trying to reunite and keeping the other one stirred up. It's very very stressful esp if there's kids.

So let her get the papers first. Try to keep yourself in check until you do. Because once she's got the papers, if she's human, she is very likely going to go on a little "Wheeeee, I'm single" tear before she commits again.

She's said to take it slow, and for your own good, yes, you should really go at a crawl right now. Transitional people in the breakup rarely last. Not never. Rarely. Good luck. I'm just glad you are feeling hopeful again. Nothing like a new focus to put the old one in perspective, right?
While this may be true for some or even most, it was not for me. My marriage was over in my mind before it was legally over. When I met my ex I had no desire to play the field nor sleep with another woman the rest of my life. Had she not left, I would have married her and not looked back.

Just saying it doesnít always play out as you describe.
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Old 31st December 2017, 1:17 AM   #10
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Eh sc, thanks mate.

Well yes and no , l couldn't go for it with ex , l just couldn't manage it financially yet as we're in different countries so she was going a bit nuts well , that all had a lot to do with it anyway.
So we were on and off the last 8mths or so but yeah, there is still a knock there for sure.

l didn't expect to meet her right now though it surprised me as much as her tbh but l feel pretty good so l'm willing if she is because your damn right.
Can't believe l met her like this tbh but, guess that's how it happens.

Thanks mate , appreciate the 2 x4 think l need it..
Just go in with eyes open. This could turn south or could be the last rest of your life; no one knows. Important thing is to enjoy it while it lasts, which will hopefully be forever.

The feeling you describe has escaped me for the last 1.5 years. Iíd be shocked if I ever get it again.
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Old 31st December 2017, 1:31 AM   #11
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Thanks sc , appreciated and fully agree with both.
Tell ya though yea, l'm in shock too ,l even said around LS a few times doubt l'm gonna be lucky enough again in this lifetime and l really hear you on that one. But eh, true, could go sth too. damn , l need a drink.

She cracks me up , tells me she's so busy but she wakes up a few hours earlier than me and checks my messages every 5mins all day long until she a sleep again.

Like l was sayin , she does things.
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Old 31st December 2017, 4:46 AM   #12
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Chilli, some people are single for TOO LONG and wonít be ready. They get too used to being single. So you really canít know. You canít. Itís scary stuff.

Oh sheís not fully divorced? Iíd never date someone not divorced yet. Youíre asking for trouble.
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Old 31st December 2017, 11:10 AM   #13
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Oh sheís not fully divorced? Iíd never date someone not divorced yet. Youíre asking for trouble.
No more trouble than someone who has broken up with someone a year ago.

People seem to think that a legal agreement will somehow prevent long term success, or when dissolved, will magically make someone a good LTR partner. It differs case by case.

The way she is acting now is indicative of someone who is REALLY into Chilli.

Thatís not to say she wonít do a 180 once the butterflies wear off though.

The rarity here is that they BOTH feel it. Thatís something you canít walk away from once you find it.

We are not young kids here - itís not like this happens often.

But, due to the volitle nature of womenís feelings, OP is best served to proceed with caution, not run away.
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Old 31st December 2017, 11:36 AM   #14
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"share the house, separate rooms, for the kids"

Tricky.

Normally I'd agree that legal partnerships *can* go down as quickly and painlessly as a non-marital breakup but the mention of marital home and children complicate that markedly at both the legal and emotional level.

For example, one MW who did go on to successfully live with her exit affair partner long-term (still does) took nearly seven years to settle out the ranch and kids thing and had to take her exH to court to enforce both child support and the property settlement. Long, frustrating, and expensive. She didn't move in with the guy until that was all said and done and there were often rocky portions during that process. I became a tool during one such portion, which is how I know what went on, and since I knew her and her H in decades past. Anyway, divorce stuff can be tricky. Ours was pretty easy, comparatively, but still tricky. IMO, if the OP sees steely-eyed logic in his dating partner, it should go better for him. If she's all over the place emotionally, watch out. Proceed with caution and guard against investing emotionally into any sort of future result. Good luck!
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Old 31st December 2017, 11:59 AM   #15
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My boyfriend of 3 years and I met about 6 months after my ex and I separated. Neither of us had finalized divorces, but both of us were pretty clearly done relationships. I wasn't looking for something long-term yet, but he was so wonderfully what I wanted that it was worth continuing.

That said, it's very weird to start a new relationship while grieving your old one. One minute you're on top of the world in love, and another minute you're in the dumps hurt and disappointed.

My ex and I had spent the last two years of our relationship trying to sort things out, and also coming to terms with the fact that it might not work out, so I think a lot of that work was done before we separated, but it would have been better to get it cleared away first before starting something new.

On the other hand, when you find something that fits so perfectly, you almost have to take a chance and see where it goes.
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