Should I stay

[Linlin46]

I’ve been dating someone for five months (known for four years) he knows almost everything about me. Now he keeps throwing past indiscretions in my face, demands I NEVER bring up names of my ex husbands (2) whether good or bad. I have children and a past with them, but yet can’t use there name in any conversation. How Can I even say ‘An important issue came up with one of the kids and I need an hour to talk to (ex’s name) about it’ he doesn’t want to hear anything that is going on if it involves an ex. I have a past and as long as my children are still relatively young, I need to communicate with said ex. If there is a issue that has me upset, I can’t talk to bf about it. He even told his mother that it upsets him and if I bring up a name she tries to shut me down! I do not constantly bring up my ex’s. They are still part of my life, because of my children. He also accuses me of cheating on him and wants me to prove to him I wasn’t. I don’t know if I should stay, we’ve been friends for so long. I don’t know if we could transition back to that. He also drinks heavily and brings up my past a lot when he drinks too much. Getting upset when I try to defend myself and say the past is just that.. the past. He got so mad at me one time that he called me a loser. I’m 44 he’s 36.

[Shanex]

Red flags

 

- You aren't allowed to mention your ex albeit you have had children with them.

- He drinks heavily and appear to be a mean drunk.

- Called you a loser during a drunken stupor.

 

Run as far as you can, this is a no brainer.

[MsJayne]

Heavy drinkers, even if they're the life-of-the-party type, are toxic people who will drain you if you let them. He has major jealousy issues, and the fact that he discusses you with his mummy is a Great Big Red Flag. You can do better, run for your life.

[maxi105]

hello Linlin46,

 

i think you have to ask if you really love this man anymore?

 

I'm not asking about your children, his drinking (although that is part of his illness that he doesn't sound as though he wants to do anything about at this time); and do you feel you have a compatible other.

 

for me the problem is that he is 36, why...because he is still at an age where he could so easily be drinking up to or beyond 44...or 64. or 74 (if he even lives that long to provide any kind of relationship that brings quality and wellness on all levels.

 

maybe as i seem to say a lot on this site, think about a trial separation and maybe that will help your mind focus on what you need.

 

and maybe when you have had time to think about love and what you need in a loving partnership, then you can move with him wanting to love you and get help, or start a new chapter to strengthen love for those who know what love is and what it really means when you are in their lives...and by that i mean get stronger bonds with family, children, good friends or in time another partner.

 

ok, that me done, but in the spirit of carrying on with the red flags already mentioned in your other replies; then why not go and get yourself a red flag, and start waving it in his face for a change!!!!!

 

if he doesn't get the message, then if it were me, i wouldn't hang around for another 20 years hoping things might change.

 

i think its true what they say, an alcoholic must want to change themselves blah blah....and as the others have already said, it isn't going to be something that is resolved overnight!!!!!

 

ok, best of luck with this and your children. 5 months is no time to be dating or to know someone, maybe you would be just better off taking some time out if not going full stop, before it gets emotionally harder to walk away or even start to make constructive decisions for you and your already structured family.

 

it doesn't sound that healthy so early on, and i cant really see it getting any better any time soon.

 

think about this...do you want all the drama that Christmas drinking is likely to bring to the home!!!!!!

 

that atmosphere and your mood will be picked up also by your children, and its a special time for them!!!

 

get out there and live life more than you are doing, i think you need to be with someone that can talk to you and show you respect and love.

 

ok, that really is it...don't be nostalgic or emotionally put upon, you must think seriously and look at the longer picture of this all. is suspect he will try to talk you out of this...but time away hopefully will help you to retain clarity and a bit more certainty into doing what you already know needs to happen.

 

and whether you love this man or not, and or decide to leave or separate...what you do know is that things are not healthy to stay the way they are!!!!

 

be strong. maxi

Edited November 19, 2017 by maxi105