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Old 9th November 2017, 5:31 PM   #1
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What would you do?

If you are married and a parent, what would you do if you found out you might have a serrious illness?
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Old 9th November 2017, 5:35 PM   #2
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Get my affairs in order: will, advanced directive & guardianship for child. I'd probably take a once in a lifetime trip with my family to make some happy memories before that was no longer an option.
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Old 9th November 2017, 5:35 PM   #3
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Originally Posted by wmacbride View Post
If you are married and a parent, what would you do if you found out you might have a serrious illness?
You are asking if we would tell the family or keep it secret?

I would tell, a positive environment by your loved ones sure helps more than keeping the secret and pressure for yourself.

Make sure my will (what i leave for my loved ones) is written.

Try to have a deceased insurance (sorry dont know how you call it in english)

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Old 9th November 2017, 5:43 PM   #4
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We have our wills, power of attorney, permission to make decisions etc. all done. We did all that a while ago, and we had to keep it updated because of his job.

Another question.

If one of your siblings had special needs ( high functioning) how would you feel if you were asked to care for them?

I hate to think of our son in a nursing home, and we don't have a lot of assisted living homes here.
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Old 9th November 2017, 11:29 PM   #5
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I couldn't expect my children to become caretakers for their sibling. It's important to talk to your lawyer. As distasteful as it is, long term arrangements need to be made.
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Old 11th November 2017, 11:35 AM   #6
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I couldn't expect my children to become caretakers for their sibling. It's important to talk to your lawyer. As distasteful as it is, long term arrangements need to be made.
I agree.

right ow, he's 14, and after speaking with an acquaintance of mine, as it stands right now, he's still considered a child. Once he hits the age of majority, unless we have him declared incapable of making these sorts of decisions, it will be out of our hands anyway, for all intents and purposes.

We've always put money away for him an a special account ( not an RDSP though) so at least there will be that, if it's needed.
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Old 12th November 2017, 11:16 AM   #7
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I think the hardest part of this is being afraid for him if I'm not around. We've spent so much of our lives looking out for him, and it can be hard to let go sometimes.

We did talk to all of them ad explain what's going on so they won't be frightened if they overhear us talking. That went really well.
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Old 13th November 2017, 3:32 PM   #8
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I would do what my mother did. She gave all of her belongings away before she died. Home, car, everything. Give that one last gift to all of your loved ones and avoid the estate taxes at the same time.
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Old 14th November 2017, 2:57 AM   #9
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If you are married and a parent, what would you do if you found out you might have a serrious illness?
Go to the hospital and take care of my health, duh.
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Old 14th November 2017, 3:54 AM   #10
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I would do what my mother did. She gave all of her belongings away before she died. Home, car, everything. Give that one last gift to all of your loved ones and avoid the estate taxes at the same time.
In the UK at least, the inheritance tax laws are wise to that. Any gifts you give within 7 years of dying are subject to inheritance tax, although you get a £3k per year exemption and exemptions for special cases such as wedding gifts. I would imagine other countries have similar laws to prevent inheritance tax evasion.

It would be wise to seek legal / tax advice on how best to go about this.
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Old 14th November 2017, 5:27 AM   #11
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Another question.

If one of your siblings had special needs ( high functioning) how would you feel if you were asked to care for them?

I hate to think of our son in a nursing home, and we don't have a lot of assisted living homes here.
It depends on the relationship your other children have with their special needs sibling.
Some will happily take on that role, others may not feel obliged to do that once you are out of the picture.
I guess it depends if they see him as "family", or a "burden"...
Also they may want to carry on the care taking but their spouses may not want to do that, so that needs to be factored in too.
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Old 14th November 2017, 9:11 AM   #12
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Is this theoretical? I hope everything is okay.

Anyway, for me, since my kids are still kids, I'd be trying to logistically set up things for them, make sure things are clear for my wife if I pass as for how she would manage life insurance money etc. And probably more conversations with other family, about what would happen if we are both gone.

As for the special needs part of things, I read a really great article last year by a journalist who has a special needs sibling and aging parents and the knowledge that her life will change forever once she becomes the caregiver. I can try to find it if you're interested.

My older son has said things, even from when he was in preschool that has made me feel like he realizes that he will always have some responsibility for his little brother because of his disabilities...

But your situation is even more complex because you have varying levels of disabilities between your children...
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Old 14th November 2017, 11:08 AM   #13
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If one of your siblings had special needs ( high functioning) how would you feel if you were asked to care for them?
IIRC, all of your kids have their own challenges. Without their parents around for support, how much surplus capacity will they have? Assuming this post is not purely hypothetical, you’d need to consider whether their own capacity to function and thrive in the world would be hindered by having to care for their brother, or aided by their not having to worry about their brother being cared for in a facility. It’s a hard one to gauge without the specifics of the people and situations concerned, and of course it’s likely to change over time, too. A teenager swearing to put their brother first, no matter what, is different to a young adult facing the choice between a romantic partnership with the prospect of a family of their own, and a commitment made when they were too young to recognise the full consequences. Likewise, a young person on the threshold of independence may prefer to remain “unshackled”, but may come to reflect a few years later that the decision was too rashly made, and the emotional ties prevented them from living the “unshackled” life they’d pictured anyway.

My own concern would be something happening to the sibling charged with the care of her brother, either owing to the added responsibility, or the loss of her parents, or some situation which can’t be predicted, and the prospect of what then happens to both of them. If you have the resources, I’d suggest making provision that involves one or both of your other kids without placing sole responsibility on them... perhaps setting up somewhere they could all live, with an employed person taking some of the responsibility, but allowing the sibling relationship to remain siblings, rather than “carer” and “patient”.
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Old 14th November 2017, 12:12 PM   #14
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In the UK at least, the inheritance tax laws are wise to that. Any gifts you give within 7 years of dying are subject to inheritance tax, although you get a £3k per year exemption and exemptions for special cases such as wedding gifts. I would imagine other countries have similar laws to prevent inheritance tax evasion.

It would be wise to seek legal / tax advice on how best to go about this.
She "sold" her car to get around that. She still owed a mortgage on her home and she had a wealthy relative purchase the house from the bank. Most of her belongings around the house, collectibles and the like, she just gave away to friends and family. It all worked out. Personally, I am not a big fan of inheritance taxes, and I guess she wasn't either. She didn't have a lot, but she wanted her kids to be as well off as possible after her passing.
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Old 16th November 2017, 7:16 AM   #15
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Is this theoretical? I hope everything is okay.

Anyway, for me, since my kids are still kids, I'd be trying to logistically set up things for them, make sure things are clear for my wife if I pass as for how she would manage life insurance money etc. And probably more conversations with other family, about what would happen if we are both gone.

As for the special needs part of things, I read a really great article last year by a journalist who has a special needs sibling and aging parents and the knowledge that her life will change forever once she becomes the caregiver. I can try to find it if you're interested.

My older son has said things, even from when he was in preschool that has made me feel like he realizes that he will always have some responsibility for his little brother because of his disabilities...

But your situation is even more complex because you have varying levels of disabilities between your children...
Thanks for all the responses.

To answer your question, I had a bad ct scan, and my doctor has referred me to an internal medicine specialist and an oncologist. I can't stand the waiting to find out what's going on. Hopefully, it's nothing too serious.

This is all especially hard on my younger daughter. She's nuerotypical, and even though no one has ever asked her to, she feels a sense of responsibility towards both her younger and older siblings. Shy as she may be, she has plans to travel the world,and, if all goes well, she really wants to do a semester abroad in Australia.

I don't want to sound morbid, but if worst comes to worst, I have had a chnace to live my life and have been lucky enough to see and do a lot of wonderful things. I want them to have the same opportunities.
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