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I like him a lot but is it worth it?


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Old 2nd October 2017, 5:33 AM   #1
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I like him a lot but is it worth it?

I met a guy a few months ago, he's my friends cousin. We chatted casually for a couple of months over message and then started hooking up.

Even though this is basically a sex thing
- he asks to see me regularly and never wants me to leave the next day and gets a bit pouty if I can't stay the night because of work
- we were going to meet up one day after work but I got roped into doing a double shift so he made me dinner and brought it to my work for me
- I wanted to go to see a movie and asked him last minute if he wanted to go and he did and paid for me
- my car broke down so he came and picked me up from work and drove me home
- We met up when both out with friends and then we went home together and he told me the more he gets to know me the more he likes me
- texts me good morning everyday and makes an effort to check in
- he cooked me soup when I was sick and generally cooks me dinner when I come over
- sometimes he seems really shy around me

At first this is all I wanted as I didn't see a relationship eventuating and there are a couple of red flags:

- 10 year age difference, I am mid 20s and he is mid 30s
- He has two kids to different moms (although I can see he loves them both a lot and would do anything for them)
- He has his kids every weekend so sometimes I feel like our communication drops off every weekend (which is completely understandable but I still don't like the idea of never being able to see him on the weekend)
- the mom of his daughter said he's not allowed to have any women around his daughter otherwise he can't see her.
- He never asks to do date type activities together, we only went to the movies because I suggested it.

I'm really torn here! I am still reasonably young, I have finished university and have a good job/career and have my whole life ahead of me but I am starting to develop real feelings for him which is rare for me! Even if he likes me back, do I potentially want a child/children who will have a half sister and brother to two different women who I would potentially have to deal with. I recently met another guy around my age who I've been chatting to and he did not hesitate to ask me on a date, which I have agreed to because I respect that he's up front and actually wants to take me out.

So basically my questions are:
a) do you think this guy even likes me?
b) if he does, do you think it's worth pursuing?

Last edited by Grape lemon; 2nd October 2017 at 5:59 AM..
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Old 2nd October 2017, 6:18 AM   #2
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- I'm 25 and he's 35
My mum and dad were 26 and 46 when they met. Married 42 years.

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- He never asks to do date type activities together, we only went to the movies because I suggested it.
This could be cleared up with a 5 minute conversation.

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- He has his kids every weekend so sometimes I feel like our communication drops off every weekend (which is completely understandable but I still don't like the idea of never being able to see him on the weekend)
Well, this is something that won't ever change. Until the kids are old enough to choose where they live for themselves, that is. When/if your relationship develops then you will become a part of their lives too, and so you will see him and the kids at the weekend. Yes, if you have kids with him then they will have half-siblings who they will only see on the weekends.

This is non-negotiable, it is part of the deal. You need to decide if you can accept it or not.

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- the mom of his daughter said he's not allowed to have any women around his daughter otherwise he can't see her.
Of course she doesn't want her kids being introduced to random women every other week, and certainly not exposed to risk, such as drug users or violent people. It is totally reasonable for her to ask him not to have other women around his daughter in the initial stages of your relationship. But it is not reasonable for her to introduce a blanket ban on all women being around her daughter forever!

For now though, I wouldn't worry about it. You will not be meeting the kids until you've developed a stable relationship with him which probably means 3-6 months minimum. I would cross this bridge when you come to it.
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Old 2nd October 2017, 7:12 AM   #3
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Of course she doesn't want her kids being introduced to random women every other week, and certainly not exposed to risk, such as drug users or violent people. It is totally reasonable for her to ask him not to have other women around his daughter in the initial stages of your relationship. But it is not reasonable for her to introduce a blanket ban on all women being around her daughter forever!

For now though, I wouldn't worry about it. You will not be meeting the kids until you've developed a stable relationship with him which probably means 3-6 months minimum. I would cross this bridge when you come to it.
You are completely right. He has told me that it's a one sided rule as she apparently has men around all the time.. but who knows if that's true. Main question now does he even like me enough for me to ever meet his kids
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Old 2nd October 2017, 8:37 AM   #4
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Of course he "likes" you. I doubt he is going to introduce any woman to his kids until he falls in love and makes the relationship a serious one. I think you should date the single and free guy and not get caught up with the guy with kids.
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Old 2nd October 2017, 8:38 AM   #5
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it's a one sided rule as she apparently has men around all the time
It's not uncommon. As she is the primary carer she holds all the cards and can make whatever rules she likes, even ones she doesn't stick to herself. She can withhold contact for whatever reason she likes, fair or unfair, and the consequences are fairly minimal. At worst it would be a wrist slap from a judge. It can be very difficult for the non-full-time parent in these cases, so it's often easier to go along with the rules laid down rather than fight for fairness, and potentially lose out on contact. My brother in law for example, still pays his ex full rate child support even though he now has another daughter and technically he should be paying less. But his ex said if he pays less he can't see his daughter, so it's easier to just keep paying the full amount rather than lawyering up and fighting. In his case it's about money but in your case it might be more complicated.

But as I said this is a conversation for if/when the issue comes up, and more importantly it's a conversation between him and his ex. For now I would just concentrate on your relationship and leave the ex's rules out of the equation.

The question of whether you want to get involved with a man who already has 2 daughters to two different mothers is a more important issue, IMO. Especially since you want to have (more) kids with him.
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Old 4th October 2017, 7:31 PM   #6
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It's not uncommon. As she is the primary carer she holds all the cards and can make whatever rules she likes, even ones she doesn't stick to herself. She can withhold contact for whatever reason she likes, fair or unfair, and the consequences are fairly minimal. At worst it would be a wrist slap from a judge. It can be very difficult for the non-full-time parent in these cases, so it's often easier to go along with the rules laid down rather than fight for fairness, and potentially lose out on contact. My brother in law for example, still pays his ex full rate child support even though he now has another daughter and technically he should be paying less. But his ex said if he pays less he can't see his daughter, so it's easier to just keep paying the full amount rather than lawyering up and fighting. In his case it's about money but in your case it might be more complicated.

But as I said this is a conversation for if/when the issue comes up, and more importantly it's a conversation between him and his ex. For now I would just concentrate on your relationship and leave the ex's rules out of the equation.

The question of whether you want to get involved with a man who already has 2 daughters to two different mothers is a more important issue, IMO. Especially since you want to have (more) kids with him.
That makes sense! thankyou for your insight
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Old 4th October 2017, 7:32 PM   #7
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Of course he "likes" you. I doubt he is going to introduce any woman to his kids until he falls in love and makes the relationship a serious one. I think you should date the single and free guy and not get caught up with the guy with kids.
Yeah you're right..
I did have a date with the guy my age and it went really well so I guess I will see what happens
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