oldbutcurious Posted September 30, 2017 Share Posted September 30, 2017 What's your take on the phrase? Link to post Share on other sites
lftbehind Posted September 30, 2017 Share Posted September 30, 2017 What's your take on the phrase? You deserve to be someones one and only, instead of getting whatever the MM feels like giving you. Not that being someones only is always good, there are a lot of bad relationships out there. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted September 30, 2017 Share Posted September 30, 2017 I agree with it. Why be a dirty little secret. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
noelle303 Posted September 30, 2017 Share Posted September 30, 2017 That it really doesn't apply to every situation. Yes, for women who want commitment and love, they do deserve it. But personally, I didn't want it. In fact, one of the reasons why I entered an affair was to avoid commitment and a relationship so there was really no need to tell me "you deserve more". I knew I deserved it, but I didn't want it. Link to post Share on other sites
somanymistakes Posted September 30, 2017 Share Posted September 30, 2017 I think there's also the aspect that being known as an Other Woman is a bit of a scarlet letter in much of society. Strangers who know nothing about you will scorn you, insult you, etc... you'll be called a lot of names that aren't suitable to be reprinted on this forum. A mistress is often considered to be either a crazy evil person out to destroy the happiness of wholesome families, OR nothing but a glorified sex worker, paid for her services and then hidden out of sight. And there's a huge social stigma about sex work. So who wants someone they care about to be saddled with those labels and that baggage? Even if you are okay with your own choices, it can hurt a lot to be mocked and belittled for them by strangers. Link to post Share on other sites
Cookiesandough Posted September 30, 2017 Share Posted September 30, 2017 I think it assumes the person wants more. It's always seemed to me like mistresses (and OM)often get all the good parts of a relationship like the sexual desire and romance with less of the dirty work like the undie washing. Maybe some like it that way even though it is looked down on by society, but that's just conjecture. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted September 30, 2017 Share Posted September 30, 2017 IMO, context is important. Is the phrase coming from a person who, otherwise in the totality of their historical interaction, supports and uplifts one, or seeks to demean and diminish them? People aren't robots, yet anyway, and are still motivated by emotions. If a pure thinking machine popped out that phrase, I'd analyze the logic of it, parse the words down to their dictionary context and assign it no emotion or meaning at all beyond that. Perhaps someday when we have machines built and programmed by machines with pure logic, it'll be cool to revisit a lot of formerly human phrases. Will a robot 'deserve more than to be a mistress?'. IDK If a total stranger, words are tools of opinion and to enact and/or enforce socio-political constructs. Imagine if you didn't care whether the speaker lived or died, that their existence was irrelevant. What would the phrase mean? How would it impact you? Then, assign them relevance. Give them social power. Examine the differences. Choices abound. Billions on the planet, all time-limited. Enjoy the ride. Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted September 30, 2017 Share Posted September 30, 2017 I've never wanted to be married and at this point of my life I'm not the least bit interested in a serious committed relationship. But I can find fun and good sex with single men. Even though I have no desire for a committed serious relationship I would still find the role of mistress to be distasteful to me for many reasons. For one thing I don't have the stomach for lies, games and drama. I need to respect a man in order to find him attractive. A man who lies to his family and sneaks around to cheat and who expects me to play along with deceitful games automatically loses my respect. A man who whines to me about his wife and marriage yet does nothing useful towards resolving his problems is not a turn on. I also care about how I interact with the world and how my choices impact others. Even though I didn't make any vows to anyone I still don't want to take part in causing anyone pain and heartbreak, especially if there are children involved. The cheating married guy will have to look elsewhere for his accomplice because I need to feel good about myself and my choices. I also care a great deal about myself and my drama free life. I don't want to deal with someone's wife finding out I've been messing with her husband and coming after me. I don't want to unexpectently develop feelings for a married man and then spend my free time pining for him or jealously thinking about his wife. Or waiting with baited breath for him to leave her because he "loves" me more than her. Yeah thanks, but no thanks. I don't want to be anyone's wife but I still deserve better than being someone's mistress. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Cookiesandough Posted September 30, 2017 Share Posted September 30, 2017 I feel the same way Anika99. To a tee. I dont understand how anyone would want to deal with the drama, but I think some people are attracted to it. I think some people get a thrill out of having the power to do it. Of course, there are those that don't want all that and just happened to in love with someone married... Even if I think a guy is cute as first, if I find out he is married it changes my perception of him to off limits.. he becomes almost like a relative... Link to post Share on other sites
jah526 Posted September 30, 2017 Share Posted September 30, 2017 I think anika hit the nail on the head with the word "accomplice". A mistress is an accomplice to a crime against innocent victims (the MM's family). Would you want to be an accomplice to a kidnapping, a robbery, or a murder? In all instances you are harming someone else, even if it is just through theft of time. Or would you want better for yourself? I take a bit of issue with the word "deserve". I would rewrite that as you should want to do better than being a mistress, for your own sake and for others. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted September 30, 2017 Share Posted September 30, 2017 Deleted - 10 characters. Link to post Share on other sites
somanymistakes Posted September 30, 2017 Share Posted September 30, 2017 In all instances you are harming someone else, even if it is just through theft of time. Or would you want better for yourself? "Theft of time"? Better never be someone's friend. Or their employer. Or accidentally get in their way at a store and slow down their shopping a bit. That might lead to you stealing time from their lives which rightfully belongs to their spouse. I am not arguing in favor of infidelity here, just that your phasing is odd and leads to weird implications if followed to a logical extreme! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
OpenBook Posted September 30, 2017 Share Posted September 30, 2017 What's your take on the phrase? "You deserve more than to be a mistress"?? What is "more"? being the wife? working your @ss off raising the kids and running the household and holding down a job and cooking and cleaning and doing laundry and chauffeuring and PTA'ing and trying to keep your husband happy and all the while he's playing golf and cheating on you? No thanks, I'd rather be the mistress. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Southwardbound Posted September 30, 2017 Share Posted September 30, 2017 "You deserve more than to be a mistress"?? What is "more"? being the wife? working your @ss off raising the kids and running the household and holding down a job and cooking and cleaning and doing laundry and chauffeuring and PTA'ing and trying to keep your husband happy and all the while he's playing golf and cheating on you? No thanks, I'd rather be the mistress. The title of being a 'good household manager' is not what I desire, either. Did I say how much I hate ironing undies? That's a W job. Link to post Share on other sites
jah526 Posted September 30, 2017 Share Posted September 30, 2017 "Theft of time"? Better never be someone's friend. Or their employer. Or accidentally get in their way at a store and slow down their shopping a bit. That might lead to you stealing time from their lives which rightfully belongs to their spouse. I am not arguing in favor of infidelity here, just that your phasing is odd and leads to weird implications if followed to a logical extreme! I get what you're saying. It's just something that occurred to me one time when he spent the better part of a Saturday with me, and I thought about his family, his small kids, and how he should've been with them instead. So yeah, I felt that I was helping him steal that time away from his family. Time spent with friends and employers benefits the family as a whole. Time spent with a mistress does not, IMO. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted September 30, 2017 Share Posted September 30, 2017 "You deserve more than to be a mistress"?? What is "more"? being the wife? working your @ss off raising the kids and running the household and holding down a job and cooking and cleaning and doing laundry and chauffeuring and PTA'ing and trying to keep your husband happy and all the while he's playing golf and cheating on you? No thanks, I'd rather be the mistress. Well, when you put it like that... Link to post Share on other sites
noelle303 Posted September 30, 2017 Share Posted September 30, 2017 I've never wanted to be married and at this point of my life I'm not the least bit interested in a serious committed relationship. But I can find fun and good sex with single men. Even though I have no desire for a committed serious relationship I would still find the role of mistress to be distasteful to me for many reasons. For one thing I don't have the stomach for lies, games and drama. I need to respect a man in order to find him attractive. A man who lies to his family and sneaks around to cheat and who expects me to play along with deceitful games automatically loses my respect. A man who whines to me about his wife and marriage yet does nothing useful towards resolving his problems is not a turn on. I also care about how I interact with the world and how my choices impact others. Even though I didn't make any vows to anyone I still don't want to take part in causing anyone pain and heartbreak, especially if there are children involved. The cheating married guy will have to look elsewhere for his accomplice because I need to feel good about myself and my choices. I also care a great deal about myself and my drama free life. I agree and I feel exactly the same way right now. But back when I was 19 I didn't see it that way. And if someone told me "you deserve more than to be a mistress" I would have said "yeah, no thanks, this is perfect." That phrase is either completely useless or powerful, depending on the situation, the mindset of the OW and her reasons for entering the affair in the first place. Link to post Share on other sites
taiko Posted October 1, 2017 Share Posted October 1, 2017 What's your take on the phrase? If from your partner, in what is a crime in some jurisdictions, it is just talk to keep you on the hook. I really want you publicly but social, legal and financial concerns make that impossible. If from someone not involved with the crime it an attempt to get you to want more than the secret relationship and free you up for some other partner and/or conform to community standards. Link to post Share on other sites
EthanSPK Posted October 1, 2017 Share Posted October 1, 2017 "You deserve more than to be a mistress"?? What is "more"? being the wife? working your @ss off raising the kids and running the household and holding down a job and cooking and cleaning and doing laundry and chauffeuring and PTA'ing and trying to keep your husband happy and all the while he's playing golf and cheating on you? No thanks, I'd rather be the mistress. Yeah, well, I'd also like to get paid for doing nothing. Friggin' society who asks me to work for my money!!! :mad::mad: Link to post Share on other sites
TurningTables Posted October 1, 2017 Share Posted October 1, 2017 I get what you're saying. It's just something that occurred to me one time when he spent the better part of a Saturday with me, and I thought about his family, his small kids, and how he should've been with them instead. So yeah, I felt that I was helping him steal that time away from his family. Time spent with friends and employers benefits the family as a whole. Time spent with a mistress does not, IMO. You cannot take on the responsibility of what others do with their time. Everyone makes their own choices. Just as he chose to spend time with you instead of his family, you were also choosing to do so as well. Link to post Share on other sites
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