Explain his psychology to me?

[simplicity1]

About 4 years ago, I met a cool guy in a faraway country and we proceeded to hang out and then once I left talk extensively on chat. I discovered only from my own FB stalking that he was in a 6 year relationship. I was single though. I confronted him on this and he admitted it but never brings his gf up on his own. I ended up visiting him one time and we towed a fine line in our behavior (extended hugs, extreme text flirting etc). All his hints that he might come be with me were bull**** in the end, even though he did indeed move to my country and bring his gf along with him. I eventually managed to push him away to an appropriate distance (brief casual text conversation once a year).

 

3 times over the years he claimed he was going to come visit my city, got me to the point of asking my roommates permission he could stay in our livingroom, then backed out. 1 time I told him I was in his city for an event, but he apologetically told me work was too busy those few days to see me. All he wants to do is chat, chat chat but only via texting. Anyway, at long last I was just like '**** this' and lost all desire to play his games.

 

Fast forward a few years: I (F 26) am now in a happy, reliable; supportive 1.5 year relationship (M 29). However this summer, by sheer coincidence I ended up taking a summer job on the same campus that this guy works. Decided I was fed up with him and had no reason to contact him. Maybe if he contacted me and actually followed through on proposing to hang out, I'd get a casual coffee or something. He did indeed notice my Fb job update, and one month after liking it he started up his classic text chat and only vaguely hint at in person meetings routine. My responses were all minimum bar in terms of vaguely friendly but certainly not promoting conversation. Minimal or zero follow up questions to him etc.

 

Over the past month he's now started up these awkward chats 3 times. Each time I think: 'if he says 'want to grab a coffee on Saturday and catch up?' I might say sure. Even better if he'd loop in his girlfriend. But as I'd he just asks questions like wanting to know what I've been up to here, how I'm liking the area, etc. which I find super super weird given that we're working minutes from each other, he chose to reach out to me repeatedly, but yet again no mention of hanging in person.

 

My best theory is he still hasn't quieted his crazy crush on me but is too paranoid to see me in person because he feels guilty that he (presumably) never mentioned me to his gf. But why does he even bother to contact me?

 

Anyway, I'm in a happy relationship, feel wistful about losing a friendship with him but not devastated, and I don't really care much as evidenced by having had zero intention of contacting him myself this summer. However, I clearly care enough about it to be posting on this forum. Honestly a big factor to me is that he has a really cool job and I'd love to get a tour of the facilities he works at and generally would love to have a (real, not phony text) friend who has such an interesting life/work story. But if that's a pipe dream with this dude, so be it.

 

So, why all these messages from him yet again despite my minimum bar answers?

 

Oh also my current boyfriend and I have excellent communication and I've communicated the situation with this dude to him.

[Vivir]

Simplicity, if it is all the same, you could just stop responding at all. What's the point? This person seems to think of you and reaches out in a nonchalant, passers-by kind of way. Like 'Oh, I just thought of you... what have you been up to?' Just to be "nice" - it's nothing to him, really. No effort at all. And perhaps there shouldn't be anything more than that. He is attached to someone he brought with him from his home country, no doubt. Perhaps he never intended to get so far with you as he did in person, and to avoid going there again, he keeps you at a significant distance. Whatever the case, consider yourself lucky that he is not actively messing about in your life. Enjoy your relationship and let this one go on his way with his girlfriend.

 

BTW, some facilities offer tours to the community. Perhaps his does?

[Imajerk17]

As a general comment, It always boggles my mind why posters expect us to "explain the psychology" of someone we had never even met, instead of just asking themselves. If there weren't significant others in the picture, I would just tell you OP to ask this guy yourself if he would meet you for coffee or lunch and give you a tour of his so terrific workplace.

 

Then again there is always the possibility he would say no. His girlfriend probably doesn't want him hanging out with you. Good for her.

 

And meanwhile, you have a boyfriend. You should not be investing this much emotional energy towards another guy.

[anika99]

Although he has a gf he likely the kind of guy who likes attention and validation from many females. He doesn't actually want to leave or physically cheat on his gf right now but it strokes his ego to get attention from other girls. Also some people in relationships like to get and keep the interest of other people as sort of a safety net. It assures them that they won't be alone if their current relationship fails. They think "I don't need this other girl right now but she might come in handy in the future so I will keep her in my backpocket"

 

His psychology shouldn't matter to you as much as your own. He was emotionally cheating on his gf with you and therefore it wasn't a friendship you had with him, it was an inappropriate relationship. It seems that you are interested in keeping this inappropriate relationship going since you know his gf is still unaware of you but you are still willing to meet him for coffee in secret from her. Perhaps you should figure out your own psychology. Why on earth do you continue to talk to this man when you say you are in a healthy happy relationship with another man. He has a cool job isn't really a reason for inviting trouble, you have to dig deeper.

[Redhead14]

About 4 years ago, I met a cool guy in a faraway country and we proceeded to hang out and then once I left talk extensively on chat. I discovered only from my own FB stalking that he was in a 6 year relationship. I was single though. I confronted him on this and he admitted it but never brings his gf up on his own. I ended up visiting him one time and we towed a fine line in our behavior (extended hugs, extreme text flirting etc). All his hints that he might come be with me were bull**** in the end, even though he did indeed move to my country and bring his gf along with him. I eventually managed to push him away to an appropriate distance (brief casual text conversation once a year).

 

3 times over the years he claimed he was going to come visit my city, got me to the point of asking my roommates permission he could stay in our livingroom, then backed out. 1 time I told him I was in his city for an event, but he apologetically told me work was too busy those few days to see me. All he wants to do is chat, chat chat but only via texting. Anyway, at long last I was just like '**** this' and lost all desire to play his games.

 

Fast forward a few years: I (F 26) am now in a happy, reliable; supportive 1.5 year relationship (M 29). However this summer, by sheer coincidence I ended up taking a summer job on the same campus that this guy works. Decided I was fed up with him and had no reason to contact him. Maybe if he contacted me and actually followed through on proposing to hang out, I'd get a casual coffee or something. He did indeed notice my Fb job update, and one month after liking it he started up his classic text chat and only vaguely hint at in person meetings routine. My responses were all minimum bar in terms of vaguely friendly but certainly not promoting conversation. Minimal or zero follow up questions to him etc.

 

Over the past month he's now started up these awkward chats 3 times. Each time I think: 'if he says 'want to grab a coffee on Saturday and catch up?' I might say sure. Even better if he'd loop in his girlfriend. But as I'd he just asks questions like wanting to know what I've been up to here, how I'm liking the area, etc. which I find super super weird given that we're working minutes from each other, he chose to reach out to me repeatedly, but yet again no mention of hanging in person.

 

My best theory is he still hasn't quieted his crazy crush on me but is too paranoid to see me in person because he feels guilty that he (presumably) never mentioned me to his gf. But why does he even bother to contact me?

 

Anyway, I'm in a happy relationship, feel wistful about losing a friendship with him but not devastated, and I don't really care much as evidenced by having had zero intention of contacting him myself this summer. However, I clearly care enough about it to be posting on this forum. Honestly a big factor to me is that he has a really cool job and I'd love to get a tour of the facilities he works at and generally would love to have a (real, not phony text) friend who has such an interesting life/work story. But if that's a pipe dream with this dude, so be it.

 

So, why all these messages from him yet again despite my minimum bar answers?

 

Oh also my current boyfriend and I have excellent communication and I've communicated the situation with this dude to him.

 

minimum bar answers?

 

So, why all these messages from him yet again - Because you are responding PERIOD. Don't respond in any way. He's not "getting it" by your "minimum bar" answers/doesn't understand that short answers kinda indicate lack of interest sometimes. Just cut him off and you should do that out of respect for your boyfriend. If you love someone, you don't do anything that could cause him to question or have suspicion, etc. Even though he may seem to be OK with the situation, trust me, he's going to have some thoughts in the back of his mind about some guy keeping in touch with his girlfriend. And, he knows that the guy is continuing to reach out because he's getting some kind of response. Why even have the possibility of creating insecurity and questions in your relationship with your boyfriend? Block and delete that other guy altogether.

 

Sharks don't go away as long as there is blood in the water . . .

[Zip Silver]

He enjoys occasionally passing the time via text but has no desire to take this into an in person friendship. Perhaps he doesn't want to risk his relationship or disrespect his gf by meeting up with someone he's acted inappropriately with in the past, doesn't wanna bring that drama into his back yard now that you're physically close. Maybe he isn't interested by you as a person and feels he'll be bored if you meet. The reason doesn't matter. He isn't interested in hanging out and given that you'll never know why, it seems a little bizarre you're this curious about why. It's almost like you want him to want you.

[BetrayedH]

Although he has a gf he likely the kind of guy who likes attention and validation from many females. He doesn't actually want to leave or physically cheat on his gf right now but it strokes his ego to get attention from other girls. Also some people in relationships like to get and keep the interest of other people as sort of a safety net. It assures them that they won't be alone if their current relationship fails. They think "I don't need this other girl right now but she might come in handy in the future so I will keep her in my backpocket"

 

His psychology shouldn't matter to you as much as your own. He was emotionally cheating on his gf with you and therefore it wasn't a friendship you had with him, it was an inappropriate relationship. It seems that you are interested in keeping this inappropriate relationship going since you know his gf is still unaware of you but you are still willing to meet him for coffee in secret from her. Perhaps you should figure out your own psychology. Why on earth do you continue to talk to this man when you say you are in a healthy happy relationship with another man. He has a cool job isn't really a reason for inviting trouble, you have to dig deeper.

 

Quoted for truth. He likes the ego stroke of your attention but isn't willing to physically cheat. This isn't an innocent friendship since you've already crossed some boundaries. And he may not see you as a serious catch since you were willing to cross boundaries even when you know he has a GF. As Anika said, you're either a plaything or a back-up plan.

 

And I agree that you should probably be looking inward. Why were you willing to be an accomplice in this guy emotionally and physically cheating on his GF. Since there was this flirtatious connection, it wasn't appropriate if either of you had a committed partner. And now you've got a partner and you're still willing to engage with this guy.

 

You're both crossing boundaries that you shouldn't, and for what?

[ItStartsFromWithin]

To answer your question, I think its rather difficult to understand this man's 'psychology' with just one post. But, like another member suggested, you should, rather, be trying to understand your psychology instead of making sense of his.

 

I think its quite possible that YOU have been reading WAY TO MUCH, into this, than, what is really there. From what you have wrote here, I did not see not one single comment, gesture or promise by him, to you, that he wanted anything more than just friendship, if you can even call it that. {More like being "friendly" more than being actual "friends"}. And here why I think that:

 

*[*** "All his hints that he might come be with me were bull**** in the end,"**]

 

He never promised or even stated that he wanted to be with you, he HINTED to you, which means you could have misinterpreted his 'hints'.

 

[**"even though he did indeed move to my country and bring his gf along with him"**]

 

He moved to your country BUT not to be with you, or date you, or for you, whatsoever, as he brought his girlfriend to be with him and live with him.

 

 

[**"he just asks questions like wanting to know what I've been up to here, how I'm liking the area, etc."**]

 

He texts and only asks mundane questions because he's simply just being FRIENDLY. As also evidenced by the fact he will not meet in person or initiate any type of physical meet up, even though you both work at the same campus.

 

[**"My best theory is he still hasn't quieted his crazy crush on me."**]

 

' His crazy crush on you' ?!?

Wait... What?!? Where and how do you deduce that he has a "crazy crush" on you?

* He keeps convos short and friendly.

* He won't meet up in person, even though you work on the same campus together.

* He hasn't offered to meet up and grab coffee or be physical in any way.

*He has a girlfriend he brought with him to live with him, in a new country.

So why do you think, that he views you as anything more than just a friend, work associate, or past aquaintence, let alone someone who has this crazy crush on you?!?

 

[**"Honestly a big factor to me is that he has a really cool job and I'd love to get a tour of the facilities he works at"**]

 

Come on now, who are you trying to convince with that statement- us or you? You work at the SAME CAMPUS as him, you can tour it yourself or with anyone else. We both know that's just bologna of an excuse, to contact him, & to finally physically meet up with him in person, since he refuses to meet up with you.

 

[**"would love to have a (real, not phony text) friend who has such..."**]

 

Friend? I think its rather clear here, that you want more than just a simple friendship. You're seeing way more into this thing, between you two, than what's really there. I* don't think he's stringing you along, or misleading you, or future faking with you and he most certainly does NOT* have some kind of "crazy crush" on you. I think you WANT him to like you because you really like him. But unfortunately*that's not the case.

Have you heard of limerence? Maybe look into it a bit, as it may explain some of what you're feeling and how you're reading too much into all of this.

 

{NOTE:} None of my post is meant to hurt you its simply me just trying to point out some details to you, that, perhaps, you hadnt yet, realized, or won't yet, admit to yourself, that seem rather obvious from the outside looking in.

 

Wishing you well.

[spiderowl]

Some guys just like flirty or naughty chat online. They don't want to take it further, only fantasise. He wants to keep you on the hook without taking it further. I think it will only be endlessly frustrating for you if you maintain contact. He has already shown you how it is.

[angel.eyes]

Huh? I hate to bust your bubble. He doesn't have a crazy crush on you. He won't even meet with you!

 

The real question here is why do you engage EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. HE. CONTACTS. YOU? Why are you so fascinated by a guy who you knew had a GF, but was flirting with you?

[Cookiesandough]

Does your bf know you are obsessed with this guy?

[lucy_in_disguise]

Just stop replying to his texts. He has withheld the fact that he had a gf, led you on, and flaked out on you multiple times. He is not good friend potential, and you are in a happy relationship. Who cares about his psychology? He has little respect for you and is a crappy person. Cut him out because this type of "friend" does not add anything positive to your life.