Fair Posted July 16, 2017 Share Posted July 16, 2017 What do you do when you're in your mid forties and can't make connections with anyone. My immediate family is dysfunctional, I can't make connections with old friends from school or get anywhere on dating sites where at best I feel like the "back burner" girl who men string along in case the others they are chasing fall through. I'm starting to feel not just lonely but very scared. I try to change the situation for myself and just keep failing repeatedly. And I'm getting older. What the hell am I going to do? Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted July 16, 2017 Share Posted July 16, 2017 Why the panic? Lots of people do not find someone and are just fine. My advice is you get used to the idea just in case and don't put off doing things until you have a mate. I go do stuff alone all the time. Today I dressed up, drove 15 miles to a fancy restaurant and ate and then went cosmetics shopping next door and then to the gourmet grocer. Now I'm working. Get two jobs so you have plenty of money, just one part-time and one full time. One of the jobs should be easy or enjoyable and one in which you'd meet people because you work with them. Can be a retail store or waitressing or being a counselor at summer camp or whatever appeals to you. Don't just sit around panicking that life is passing you by. It only is passing you by if you don't live it. It doesn't take two to have a good time in life. Alternatively don't get a second job if your one you have pays enough but get a pet and a backyard and a dog door so it has some freedom. Volunteer somewhere too. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Shanex Posted July 16, 2017 Share Posted July 16, 2017 Good post, preraph. Getting a part-time job on top of the one you already have, volunteering, outdoor activities. Granted, all of that will require you a lot of energy, and a positive one at that but may change your life for the better. As for finding a partner and a mate, you aren't old, probably plently of men think you are a match to them. Good luck. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Chilli Posted July 16, 2017 Share Posted July 16, 2017 l'm sorry things aren't too good right now. Stuff l find myself wondering a lot about too after divorce and someone new l'd thought we had a whole new life ahead of us with, now not working out. Although just of lately l have at least felt a strange new peace coming over me. Dunno what that's all about. but it is a nice feeling at least. But l must admit. l am a little concerned that this pretty well nothing life l have right now, could well be it. no interest in friends or family, they just don't cut it for me soooo, admittedly there is a lot of just wtf ??????????? , going on in my head. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Zul Posted July 16, 2017 Share Posted July 16, 2017 What do you do when you're in your mid forties and can't make connections with anyone. My immediate family is dysfunctional, I can't make connections with old friends from school or get anywhere on dating sites where at best I feel like the "back burner" girl who men string along in case the others they are chasing fall through. I'm starting to feel not just lonely but very scared. I try to change the situation for myself and just keep failing repeatedly. And I'm getting older. What the hell am I going to do? I am not at that age yet, so I cannot go with any history I have with this situation. What I have found, though, is that I've learned to be my best friend in time. It isn't easy, since I already know everything about myself, but I've learned that life isn't always that bad when you learn to be friends with yourself. Something I think that has helped me with my total loneliness is that I have a cat, I pour my heart and soul into my cat. She is my everything, maybe you're allergic or don't like them. Find something you can pour your heart into... Anything, even a hobby/job etc... Realize that it isn't all that bad when you come to terms with your own struggles. I am sorry you're struggling, and I know the pain. Unfortunately, I've found that sometimes the only thing that gets me through the day is knowing that tomorrow is another chance to be happy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fair Posted July 23, 2017 Author Share Posted July 23, 2017 Why the panic? Lots of people do not find someone and are just fine. My advice is you get used to the idea just in case and don't put off doing things until you have a mate. I go do stuff alone all the time. Today I dressed up, drove 15 miles to a fancy restaurant and ate and then went cosmetics shopping next door and then to the gourmet grocer. Now I'm working. Get two jobs so you have plenty of money, just one part-time and one full time. One of the jobs should be easy or enjoyable and one in which you'd meet people because you work with them. Can be a retail store or waitressing or being a counselor at summer camp or whatever appeals to you. Don't just sit around panicking that life is passing you by. It only is passing you by if you don't live it. It doesn't take two to have a good time in life. Alternatively don't get a second job if your one you have pays enough but get a pet and a backyard and a dog door so it has some freedom. Volunteer somewhere too. I appreciate the sentiment but somehow don't think working myself into the dirt is going to make me any happier. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fair Posted July 23, 2017 Author Share Posted July 23, 2017 Good post, preraph. Getting a part-time job on top of the one you already have, volunteering, outdoor activities. Granted, all of that will require you a lot of energy, and a positive one at that but may change your life for the better. As for finding a partner and a mate, you aren't old, probably plently of men think you are a match to them. Good luck. Perhaps I'm not old, but if it were that easy to just reach out and nab someone I guess I would have by now. As for attractiveness, you know, I don't even know anymore how attractive I am. I get a little bit of notice, but no one really says anything or hits on me anymore... it may be because I live in a small community and of course everyone here is married, but isn't it funny how without feedback you start to doubt yourself. I feel unattractive though it may not be so... because I feel for the most part, invisible... like I don't matter to anyone. It's horrible. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Sloppyseconds Posted July 24, 2017 Share Posted July 24, 2017 Don't treat it like another task on the to do list. Get yourself comfortable doing all the things you love and enjoy. Get yourself out of the rut/comfort zone you've somehow landed in, and try new things. Enjoying hobbies and learning new things too are great ways to get out and about, alone or in a group setting, and have people notice you. You may run into the same people daily, but one might spot you and notice the happier you, and approach you. You might meet random people, and one of those may take notice. It could be as simple as bumping into a stranger at the bookstore, coffee shop, or the park. The less pressure you put upon yourself to become attached within a certain time frame, the more you may surprise yourself by meeting someone with those similar interests as you. Place value on yourself (instead of always feeling like you're running out of time) and others will too. You won't be the back burner girl if you don't allow yourself to be. 40 is not old, it is a good time to have found yourself and know what it is you expect from others. It is a time to realize your maturity and what you want. Unless you've already adopted 12 cats and wear a ratty housecoat and slippers, you've still got plenty of time! Link to post Share on other sites
Wookin Pa Nub Posted July 24, 2017 Share Posted July 24, 2017 it may be because I live in a small community and of course everyone here is married, but isn't it funny how without feedback you start to doubt yourself. I have no idea where you live but any chance to relocate to a nearby large metro area? Link to post Share on other sites
I AM HERE Posted July 25, 2017 Share Posted July 25, 2017 Love happens when you are not expecting it. Since you are the woman you don't have to worry about trying to connect, but be ready to give eye contact to the guy you are interested in. Go out and do things that you love, that way you will meet someone with the same interest. You can also ask people you know to hook you up on a blind date, you never know how it can turn out, at least you will get practice connecting. But it's not too late, you are still young and vibrant. Link to post Share on other sites
LovelyMiss Posted July 26, 2017 Share Posted July 26, 2017 I find that living in a small town dramatically decreases your chances to meet a significant one, simply because there really aren't enough people to choose from. Move to a bigger town, if you can. Also, try to invest in yourself, in your looks, it can do wonders for self esteem (hair, nails, facials, clothes, etc.). Sports can make us look great and feel better, so maybe you can try that too. Gym can also be a place to make new friends. As for online dating, it might not be the best place to find someone. Link to post Share on other sites
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