The Ex is Back!

[Otter2569]

Last week her exBF texted her and asked if she wanted to meet for drinks. When she said she had a BF for over a year (me) he asked about getting into "the rotation".

 

I'm usually a confident, carefree guy but I, like everyone, have moments of insecurity.

 

She told me everything and didn't hide it - which is cool. She also told me their relationship was just sex (said he is several years younger and could go two rounds). And how hes the first guy that's wanted her back...how it made her feel wanted. I told her about my just sex relationships and that most ex's have wanted me back too but they are exs for a reason.

 

Since then, for some freakin reason, I find myself withdrawing and becoming more distant. I know it has something to do with this and that I shouldn't be acting this way but I am.

 

What is up with that?!

[preraph]

Well, I'd say buoy up the raft by making her feel wanted yourself. Take her on real dates and be interested in her life. So this clown can't find a way in.

[Marc878]

No X's allowed in your relationship or I'd walk.

[SammySammy]

Well, I'd say buoy up the raft by making her feel wanted yourself. Take her on real dates and be interested in her life. So this clown can't find a way in.

 

Agree. To an extent.

 

Withdrawing is the opposite of what he needs to do. I know it's an act of self-preservation, but now is the time for action. Be bold. Take her out and be fully present. Be secure and have fun.

 

Just know that won't mean the ex doesn't have a chance. She can still choose to be with him. Put him in the rotation. lol

 

But, if she does, OP has a choice to make.

 

We can't control others, but we can control what we do. And what we allow in our lives.

[Otter2569]

Well, I'd say buoy up the raft by making her feel wanted yourself. Take her on real dates and be interested in her life. So this clown can't find a way in.

 

This is my MO on top of being fun and good in bed

 

Seriously, she tells how I show interest, make her feel safe, secure, cared for and feel like a woman, how we can talk about anything so I'm I good shape. Its in my head so I just need t shake it.

[Popsicle]

I agree with enigma that she should have never told you, but she probably did because you told her about your exes wanting you. (I would have done the same had my bf told me some BS about his ex wanting him)

[Otter2569]

It's moments like this where I am reminded why I do not quite believe in full disclosure. I think that your GF should have just handled this dude without it ever coming to your attention.

 

Confidence does not mean stupidity. I think your GF's actions are what is causing your hit in confidence. I will explain further.

 

This is a serious problem. She has went into entirely too much detail about her previous relationship. Not only that, but the way you describe it makes me think that she has basically told you that this guy is better in bed than you are. To top it all off, she is also telling you that your attention is not enough for her, because some dude she used to bang decided to hit her up for more banging, and she is flattered by this.

 

I think you are acting this way, because your gut is telling you to move on. I know I would be feeling that way if I were you.

 

...I don't think she handled this well, and it I were dating her, I would immediately lose confidence in her as relationship material.

 

Nail on the head! In fairness she said I was better in bed and did things to her that no one else has done. She's said this even before this situation.

 

Its a kick in the ass to my confidence. Ive had several girls / exGFs hit on me and want just sex. I refused but also never said anything knowing it could cause problems.

 

Honestly, I think its her being flattered that he wants to **** again that bothers me the most.

[Otter2569]

I agree with enigma that she should have never told you, but she probably did because you told her about your exes wanting you. (I would have done the same had my bf told me some BS about his ex wanting him)

 

After she brought it up I mentioned a few situations so she would know its not unique or anything special.

 

I've basically gone into "**** mode"- colder and distant. More sarcastic and sex based. I know its not right but its just how I feel at the moment.

[BluesPower]

On one hand it was good that she was honest, but on the other hand the was that she talked about it would bother me too.

 

Here is the thing, you are trying and have been in a committed relationship with her. And if that is what it is, then no Ex's.

 

I have had Ex's come back at me many times, and they are Ex's for a reason.

 

I think you may want to talk to her and make sure you guys are on the same page.

[Otter2569]

On one hand it was good that she was honest, but on the other hand the was that she talked about it would bother me too.

 

Here is the thing, you are trying and have been in a committed relationship with her. And if that is what it is, then no Ex's.

 

I have had Ex's come back at me many times, and they are Ex's for a reason.

 

I think you may want to talk to her and make sure you guys are on the same page.

 

I hear you brother! On one hand I'm thankful she told me. On the ether its become an issue for me. We pride ourselves on being open and honest and "I" dot want to ruin that.

 

Its a slippery slope for sure!!!

[Otter2569]

The kick in the nuts was when she said she "wanted more" than just sex from him. He said no so she broke things off. This is somehow threatening / undermining my confidence.

 

Bottom line:

 

We all have a past filled with ex's. We've all had ex's make contact and try to get back in. She was open and honest. She actually presented things in a decent way.

 

I need to man up and accept that:

a) we have a pretty darn good thing going

b) she is very supportive and reassuring

c) I don't want to damage what we have by acting like a jerk

d) I cant control what happens.

e) I can control how I act, what I do and what I put up with

Edited July 9, 2017 by Otter2569

[whatnot]

Careful with the pride. It's killed more relationships than any other human failing. It keeps us from being vulnerable....and honest about who we are. It can keep ourselves from knowing who we are. And then it's impossible for anyone else to truly know who we are.

 

"To thine own self be true...and it must follow...as the night the day...you can not then be false with anyone".

 

Only you know if her sharing this with you was innocent or not. No one on this forum is in your relationship.

 

It may be an opportunity to become closer...and to also find more out about this woman who's your girl friend. (If that's what you care to do...it may not be...which there is no dishonor in)

 

The main point of my post....is to disagree with the previous posters that this is *only* your problem. It is not. (that depends on her motive for sharing this hurtful to *anyone and everyone* information...with you)

 

If you speak with her about this....and her attitude is... "This is your problem...".... then it's time for .... "No. This is *our* problem..." "This is your problem..."...no...."This is our problem..." It's not something that has to be addressed right at that moment...(may be better if it's not)....but it's the framing of the situation....a framework for her to think on....and do with as she pleases....

 

...and life goes on

 

take care and....peace be with you both...

 

David

Edited July 9, 2017 by whatnot

[Popsicle]

After she brought it up I mentioned a few situations so she would know its not unique or anything special.

 

I've basically gone into "**** mode"- colder and distant. More sarcastic and sex based. I know its not right but its just how I feel at the moment.

 

Oh so she told you first and then you told her about your exes? I thought it was the other way around?

[Otter2569]

Careful with the pride. It's killed more relationships than any other human failing. It keeps us from being vulnerable....and honest about who we are. It can keep ourselves from knowing who we are. And then it's impossible for anyone else to truly know who we are.

 

"To thine own self be true...and it must follow...as the night the day...you can not then be false with anyone".

 

Only you know if her sharing this with you was innocent or not. No one on this forum is in your relationship.

 

It may be an opportunity to become closer...and to also find more out about this woman who's your girl friend. (If that's what you care to do...it may not be...which there is no dishonor in)

 

The main point of my post....is to disagree with the previous posters that this is *only* your problem. It is not. (that depends on her motive for sharing this hurtful to *anyone and everyone* information...with you)

 

If you speak with her about this....and her attitude is... "This is your problem...".... then it's time for .... "No. This is *our* problem..." "This is your problem..."...no...."This is our problem..." It's not something that has to be addressed right at that moment...(may be better if it's not)....but it's the framing of the situation....a framework for her to think on....and do with as she pleases....

 

...and life goes on

 

take care and....peace be with you both...

 

David

 

It was not done maliciously or with any other intent than to share. She told me it was a new situation for her and she explained their relationship...

 

For me, it was somebody trying to take something away. A relationship she once wanted now on her doorstep. It made me feel vulnerable and was a blow to my confidence that I struggled with for the last few days.

[Otter2569]

Oh so she told you first and then you told her about your exes? I thought it was the other way around?

 

Hey Pop, I laid my cards down after the fact. We don't normally talk past relationships except the occasionally the ex husband / ex wife.

 

I figure nothing good can come from it (case in point). If I talk exGfs I usually will say "I had a friend..." or "My friend..."

 

I'm not hiding anything as much as I am sparing any feelings...at least in my mind.

Edited July 9, 2017 by Otter2569

[Popsicle]

Hey Pop, I laid my cards down after the fact. We don't normally talk past relationships except the occasionally the ex husband / ex wife.

 

I figure nothing good can come from it (case in point). If I talk exGfs I usually will say "I had a friend..." or "My friend..."

 

I'm not hiding anything as much as I am sparing any feelings...at least in my mind.

 

Ahh, well yeah, she started it then. I'd be distant too.

[Popsicle]

Things bother you with this girl, then you end up forgiving her. I'm sure you'll get over this soon.

[Otter2569]

Things bother you with this girl, then you end up forgiving her. I'm sure you'll get over this soon.

 

I try and see all sides of a situation and recognize that I can be suspicious and naturally untrusting at times. Sometimes I'm not sure what it is that even bothers me so I will post here and get different points of view.

 

I also have to look at her actions in total. I would rather have her share things than hold back. Being open and honest isn't always easy.

[kgcolonel]

So Otter...I think I may have missed it or we only got half the story, is she going to put him "back into the rotation"?

 

I did not see any further discussion on how she has handled you or your concern on this, just how you're feeling on this situation.

[spiderowl]

She's mentioned him because it is a significant event. The ex she once wanted to have more with is back. But remember, she got rid of him because he did not want more. That is positive. However, I can understand you feeling threatened by this situation - the question 'What if he does want more now?' must be at the back of your mind.

 

This is something she'll have to process. I think you can only wait and see. She should not have mentioned him but she probably did not realise how hurt you would be. She may even have mentioned him to see if you reacted with some definite reassurance that she matters to you. I know that would be selfish and insensitive of her but at heart we are all children who need attention.

 

Fact is, you can't do anything about this but wait and see how it pans out. I think it is worth letting her know why you have become more distant. While it might be obvious to you, she may not understand why you are pulling back.

[RecentChange]

Otter,

 

Correct me if I am wrong, but I think you have had a number of posts that point to you being a bit more committed / invested in this relationship (and perhaps desire monogamy) more than she is.

 

This is the same woman who has a “guy friend” that she shares everything with, and wanted to video stream you two have sex together to right?

 

She sounds like she likes to keep a number of orbiters around – and enjoys a variety of male attention. Am I wrong here?

 

Is she the same one that seemed a bit more keen to swingers clubs, playing with others etc than you were?

 

I am wondering if you are both really on the same page. I know you are super open sexually and all of that, but she sounds a bit wild – does she really want to commit to one person (you) and forsake all of this sexual attention she gets from others?

 

And telling you how he could go two rounds, and that she wanted more with him etc – that’s just crass. That would make anyone feel insecure. She seems a bit tone deaf in my opinion.

 

I've basically gone into "**** mode"- colder and distant. More sarcastic and sex based. I know its not right but its just how I feel at the moment.

 

Honestly, if you want to protect your heart, I don't think this is a bad idea.

[Otter2569]

So Otter...I think I may have missed it or we only got half the story, is she going to put him "back into the rotation"?

 

I did not see any further discussion on how she has handled you or your concern on this, just how you're feeling on this situation.

 

She told him that she is perfectly happy and has been in a relationship for over a year. As far as I know that's the end of the story.

[Otter2569]

She's mentioned him because it is a significant event. The ex she once wanted to have more with is back. But remember, she got rid of him because he did not want more. That is positive. However, I can understand you feeling threatened by this situation - the question 'What if he does want more now?' must be at the back of your mind.

 

This is something she'll have to process. I think you can only wait and see. She should not have mentioned him but she probably did not realise how hurt you would be. She may even have mentioned him to see if you reacted with some definite reassurance that she matters to you. I know that would be selfish and insensitive of her but at heart we are all children who need attention.

 

Fact is, you can't do anything about this but wait and see how it pans out. I think it is worth letting her know why you have become more distant. While it might be obvious to you, she may not understand why you are pulling back.

 

Exactly! Earlier this week she suggested a date night last week and told me how much I mean to her (which she does do and has done before). She's also been sending all kinds of memes and links about being in love and how I touch her sole... She is not a super emotional woman but she tells me how I stimulate her mind and body like no one else has, how I excite her on all levels, how she never expected to experience anything like this... It was honest and genuine and did provide the reassurance that I needed.

[Otter2569]

Otter,

 

Correct me if I am wrong, but I think you have had a number of posts that point to you being a bit more committed / invested in this relationship (and perhaps desire monogamy) more than she is.

 

This is the same woman who has a “guy friend” that she shares everything with, and wanted to video stream you two have sex together to right?

 

She sounds like she likes to keep a number of orbiters around – and enjoys a variety of male attention. Am I wrong here?

 

Is she the same one that seemed a bit more keen to swingers clubs, playing with others etc than you were?

 

I am wondering if you are both really on the same page. I know you are super open sexually and all of that, but she sounds a bit wild – does she really want to commit to one person (you) and forsake all of this sexual attention she gets from others?

 

And telling you how he could go two rounds, and that she wanted more with him etc – that’s just crass. That would make anyone feel insecure. She seems a bit tone deaf in my opinion.

 

Honestly, if you want to protect your heart, I don't think this is a bad idea.[/quote

 

Same woman. I honestly believe that she is as invested and committed as I am. On many occasions she has said so and backs it up with actions. Trust me, this is the type of **** I look for.

 

She may be more sexually open at times where I tend to process the information and am suspect in some instances. We have a rule: no pressure and if one of us does not feel comfortable then we don't do it. Which we have done without any issue. We do respect each other very much. Pushing some sexual limits does play on your emotions and give you cause to reflect.

 

It was a little insensitive I agree. I could have told her some detail about my FWB relationship but though it best to have some discretion.

 

Every relationship has its moments and things are also still pretty new.