Magically reappearing ex girlfriend!

[Doran]

Ok, It's hard for me to really work out what to put so please bare with me as I ramble.

I'm not really the kind of guy that feels the need to shout his feelings to the world, or dissect his private life, I especially didn't think i'd ever be doing so on an internet forum but never in my 27 years have I ever been so confused about what to do, and i just don't know who else to talk to so, here we go..

 

I met a girl "Q" when I was 16, I guess you'd of called us childhood sweethearts. We had a little boy when i was 21, and we were engaged but having been together for so long we weren't obsessed with rushing down the isle. We were together forever so what did a piece of paper matter right - ha! :rolleyes)

 

That sounds really bitter actually, but honestly, they we're the best years of my life, I've never been so happy. I never wanted flash cars or lots of girls, i just wanted my own little family and I had it, and god i was so i love with her.

 

And then she left. No deterioration of our relationship, no fights, she just upped and went. She left me, me and OUR son, with a f****** letter!!!

 

How could anyone do that!? It's a bloody movie script, it's not real life, its not how real adults deal with their issues!! It's argh, so bloody SELFISH!

 

So I was 23 when this happened, I spent the next 4 years raising OUR boy, running OUR business, and then about a year - 18 months ago, I met a girl "L" and we're pretty serious now! I love her. My son loves her. It's all good.

 

And then Q goes and walks back into the country, into my life.

I'm going to skip a lot of details unless you want them. I was so mad at her, obviously, we talked a lot, a lot, i accept she was struggling, i accept she had her demons, whatever, i would of helped her, i would of been there, she could of talked to me, she didn't have to run out on me.

 

Anyway, it shouldn't of happened but it did, my issue now is: I'm still in love with her!

 

It's mad! I should be angry at her and boy believe I am, but despite that I love her, I'm IN love with her. Everytime i see her i can feel my heart start beating, she touches my arm i feel sparks, i hear her name i light up. I cant explain it.

The thing is i know its stupid, so stupid, and i hadn't cried since I was about 7 and broke my arm, yet i cried myself to sleep night after night over that girl! For the first couple of weeks after she left i was honestly a little scared she might have done something really stupid, till she did email me to say where she was and blah blah.

And i love my gf! I never wanted to hurt her, i never wanted to be a guy who hurt anyone, i just wanted a family. I've made commitments to my girlfriend I love her!

 

But I love my ex too. I know she wants 'us' back, and honestly, she was and still is the love of my life but, how can I go back now, what kind of utter fool does that make me and my girlfriend "L" doesn't deserve that!! But my heart doesn't quite link in with my head.

 

Whatever I do i'm hurting someone. Whatever I do I'm kicking myself. Yet I've done nothing wrong. So here I am, asking total strangers for help, because, I'm a bloody mess.

She hurt me, like no one ever has, like no one else on the planet ever could, and then just when i thought i was over her, she just walks back into my life, and the truth is, now i know i was never over her, nowhere even close.

[Knix]

There's a great possibility that you are still feeling in love with your ex because she left and came back. There's a lot to be desired in that.

 

However, not only did she abandon you, but she abandoned her own child. That's disgustingly selfish and cruel. She stranded you, who's to say she wouldn't do it again?

 

This new girl seems to be very special to you. I suggest you use common sense on this one and stay with the girl that loves you and acts like an adult when problems arise. You need to think about your son here too.

 

Sure, your ex can be around in your sons life. But that doesn't mean she can walk back into a relationship with you.

[Doran]

@kinx

However, not only did she abandon you, but she abandoned her own child. That's disgustingly selfish and cruel.

Right, i know she's not a horrible person! I can understand it was more of a mental health type thing, and i still feel bad that I was too blind to see her struggling. BUT she always had choices and she made like the worst one. And im not okay with that! I haven't forgiven that! I'm still angry at her.

 

She stranded you, who's to say she wouldn't do it again?

It's not something I'd say out loud but, it's real fear, like even now i feel scared she's going to walk back out of my life.

It's SO stupid, i have my gf, i have my son, i've lived 4 years without her, and yet, I can't bare the thought of losing her again.

It's the weirdest thing because when i see her, i'm still mad at her but i also feel like the weight of the world all lifts of my shoulders while she's there.

I'm still scared she'll walk away again, that's the truth I'd never show.

 

This new girl seems to be very special to you. I suggest you use common sense on this one and stay with the girl that loves you and acts like an adult when problems arise. You need to think about your son here too.

She is special, and she is special to me. I see a future with her. And we are happy!

I feel guilty too because she has been so good to me and her family have been good to me, and she certainly doesn't deserve me to be having any doubts! I don't want to let her down.

 

I'm just so torn, and i know i shouldnt be, i'm annoyed that i am! I'd still be with her if she'd never left, and its not fair that she can just walk back into my life when she feels like it a turn my world upside down!! But lifes not fair, and thats what she's gone and done!

 

Sure, your ex can be around in your sons life. But that doesn't mean she can walk back into a relationship with you.

Right. And i do want her to be a part of his life because, she is a good person, despite everything and she'll totally enrich his life! And she is his mum!!

But its so hard because that means she's part of my life too! (And its hard to share my son now, because ive parented him solo for years)

Edited May 5, 2017 by Doran

[MrDuck]

Man, that's just awful!

 

I was going to say that I've raised my son alone all his life, and if his mum came to us now and wanted to be like 50/50 I would find that really really hard! What kind of involvement does she want exactly??

 

Regarding everything else.... it's ballsy to walk back into your life.. did she apologise or what? What does your current gf make if it?

[mikeylo]

Its not magical reappearance. She has become aware somehow that you are in a serious relationship.

 

That's why its important to keep past in the past.If you have feelings for ex, you are being unfair to your current gf. It will come back to bite you.

 

If its just for the child, get a court order rather than letting her interfer with your current and probable future gf otherwise you are doomed for staying single forever.

 

If you let her in once, your current gf will leave you.Who is to say that baby momma wants just that? after that, she dumps you again? As long as you are single with the child, she gets the pleasure of feeling that you are still stuck in the past with her and havent moved on.

 

A new serious gf means that you have moved on. Many exes dont like that.So they will manipulate to whatever extent.Its your job to protect your current and future from the past.

[Doran]

@Mrduck Well i have full custody, legally, given the fact that she disappeared off the face of the planet.

I don't think she'd fight me for that, I don't think she'd go to court (obviously i didnt think she'd walk out on me either, so what kind of judge am i!? But i don't think she'd do that, she hasn't spoken about wanting to do that and also I don't believe she'd have either the finances to fight me in court or much of a case given her disappearing act and her medical history).

Nevertheless, she is his mum, and that was no mistake, she was the women that i wanted to be the mother of my children, and I still want her to be his mother because that is whats best for him. She was a good mum, i think she could definitely be a good mum again! .....I am more hesitant because, i don't want her to walk out on him again, he was younger last time, it was easier than it would be now. I never want him to feel a third of the hurt that i felt!

So its hard.

 

Yeah she did. I guess she offered more of an explanation than i ever had before, but there's no apology on earth that really says sorry for what she did, you know? Some things you just can't say sorry for.

 

I guess maybe I'm not giving all the story:

She was struggling i guess, she tells me it was depression, but I swear I didn't know, I spent so many nights going over everything and everything but even in hindsight I didn't know she was struggling, so maybe in a way i let her down too, because i was the closest person in the world too her, and i couldn't see it!

She went to Australia when she left, and it was over there that they diagnosed her with bipolar. Which they put her on medication for. And she tells me she feels much better on. She moved after a year or so and lived in Malaysia. She says that she felt like she'd already done the damage by leaving and we were still better off without her and then more recently she decided that she was still running away and that her place was here and i don't know, she needed to try and make things right, whatever.

 

I guess on one hand i do understand mental health is a real thing and maybe she was hurting. But how can you do what she did to me to someone you supposedly loved, she destroyed my whole world!

She didn't tell anyone, she didn't say bye to anyone, she just left me this letter, and for the first two weeks there was this horrible horrible part of me that genuinely believe it was a, like, a suicide letter! (It's horrible to even write because it takes me right back to that time).

And then she emailed me from Oz so i knew she was alright, but i didn't know how to feel, i was left with a shell of a life!!

It wasn't just my relationship it was everything, i was left to be mum and dad, the business we started together was all left to me, even like my social circle.. we'd been together since were 16, we had so many mutual friends but we were always like 'that couple' the couple that held it all together, life of the party, and when she left it was such a shock for everyone, no one knew how to react. Some of my friends were AMAZING and they are the people im still close with today, but a lot of people, they didn't know what to say and our friendship just fell apart, everytime i walked into a room i felt like i was bringing a ghost in with me and everyone changed.

 

I know she was sick. I know maybe she really did believe we'd be better off without her. I knew that she carried certain demons with her and maybe i could of done more, but we were both young.

But that doesnt make it okay. I'm still not in a place where im completely at peace with it, although i do feel better for being able to talk to her about it, thats definitely a weight lifted.

I'm rambling on a bit now, excuse me!

 

My current girlfriend, well she thinks its all a bit bazaar, I think its all a bit bazaar so of course she does. It's hard isn't it, i never thought this would happen. Really she's just tried to support me where she can i guess, like i said in my post all of this that I've put here isn't stuff I've vocalised to the world in my real life, I haven't said that I feel conflicted or anything like that. But stuff is still a very long way from normal, nothing feels normal right now.

[Doran]

Its not magical reappearance. She has become aware somehow that you are in a serious relationship.

She didnt know i had a girlfriend, although she does admit that she had considered it was a possibility.

I've literally had no contact with her, no one has heard from her at all in all that time, friends, family, no one, they would definitely of told me if they had heard from her.

 

.If you have feelings for ex, you are being unfair to your current gf. It will come back to bite you.

You don't need to tell me mate! I know its unfair to her! I know she so so so doesnt deserve me to be feeling like this! I shouldnt be feeling like this! i didnt think i would be feeling like this!! And yet, I am! I tell myself not to, i try and switch it off, but i haven't got a handle on this!! It's such a mess! I not the kind of guy to be split between two girls or anything, i always just wanted a solid family, solid relationship, commitment, but in stead ive got this huge massive mess!

 

A new serious gf means that you have moved on. Many exes dont like that.So they will manipulate to whatever extent.Its your job to protect your current and future from the past.

Its so much easier to think it, than to do it though! Especially when she has such an effect on me! Its so hard!

Its not even f****** fair that im in this damn situation!

[preraph]

Your first love, the mother of your child, did about the most destructive thing she could do to you and your children. You do not know that she is better now. She could be worse. She could have learned to just use people. She could have come back because she got herself in a financial mess. You don't know.

 

If you love your present girlfriend, you should stay with her because she is stable. You shoudn't marry her tomorrow because if you let this ex do it, she will ruin this relationship if it is to her benefit, that is. You will need to find out what she wants. But you'd be a fool to let her destroy this.

[Knix]

@kinx

Right, i know she's not a horrible person! I can understand it was more of a mental health type thing, and i still feel bad that I was too blind to see her struggling. BUT she always had choices and she made like the worst one. And im not okay with that! I haven't forgiven that! I'm still angry at her.

 

 

It's not something I'd say out loud but, it's real fear, like even now i feel scared she's going to walk back out of my life.

It's SO stupid, i have my gf, i have my son, i've lived 4 years without her, and yet, I can't bare the thought of losing her again.

It's the weirdest thing because when i see her, i'm still mad at her but i also feel like the weight of the world all lifts of my shoulders while she's there.

I'm still scared she'll walk away again, that's the truth I'd never show.

 

 

She is special, and she is special to me. I see a future with her. And we are happy!

I feel guilty too because she has been so good to me and her family have been good to me, and she certainly doesn't deserve me to be having any doubts! I don't want to let her down.

 

I'm just so torn, and i know i shouldnt be, i'm annoyed that i am! I'd still be with her if she'd never left, and its not fair that she can just walk back into my life when she feels like it a turn my world upside down!! But lifes not fair, and thats what she's gone and done!

 

 

Right. And i do want her to be a part of his life because, she is a good person, despite everything and she'll totally enrich his life! And she is his mum!!

But its so hard because that means she's part of my life too! (And its hard to share my son now, because ive parented him solo for years)

 

 

I feel so bad for your current gf... she must feel like a "plan B" right now.

 

This is rly hard I'm sure, but just be mindful of your current gf. If you need a break to think about stuff, take one. But don't put her in the middle of this only to break her heart in the end.

[Doran]

Your first love, the mother of your child, did about the most destructive thing she could do to you and your children.

Absolutely!

You do not know that she is better now. She could be worse. You don't know.

Nope. And I am, now, highly sceptical of people anyway. I shut me and my son off from other people for a long time when she did what she did. It's really hard to totally trust people after something like that, and especially her. It's like i have so many conflicting emotions when it comes to her.

 

If you love your present girlfriend, you should stay with her because she is stable.

I do love her. And this is everything i want. Stable. Solid. A family. Family life! She gives me that! It shouldn't even be a choice. She doesn't deserve for it to be a choice!

 

You will need to find out what she wants.

It's hard cause all i can do is talk to her. We have talked a lot actually, initially i couldn't talk to her at all, i was all over the place, but we've talked a lot since.

She tells me that she can't right the wrong but she wants to be here now, she wants to be a part of her sons life (she'd of liked to have been a part of mine but she always knew the chances of that were slim, and she supposedly wants me to be happy). She reckons that she always did want the life we started to build together, but she couldnt get out of her head and that was just getting worse, that it frightened her, that she didnt want what she was feeling to hurt me and Fergus, i don't know really, in the end she felt like we'd be better without her.

I can't understand, I just can't but it is true that she since had therapy, and they diagnosed her with bipolar, and they gave her meds, so obviously there was something going on inside her head. But i just can't understand. I can't understand why she didnt feel like we could of dealt with it together, that she could of talked to me!

She reckons she didnt tell me because id of stopped her, and she'd already stopped herself so many times, and she didnt want to be a burden, etc etc, I don't know!

 

But you'd be a fool to let her destroy this.

I know! I know!

I felt a fool when she left me.

I feel a fool all over again! Because i thought i was this big tough guy and i've let her walk straight back into my heart like a click of her fingers.

I feel like a fool, because i shouldn't feel anything like this for her anymore. I should bloody hate her, but i don't, not really, so i guess the jokes on me!

 

Ah i don't know! I love my girlfriend, I love my girlfriend, and i feel *****ty for the way my ex makes me feel!

 

I didnt want any of this!

[Doran]

I feel so bad for your current gf... she must feel like a "plan B" right now.

 

This is rly hard I'm sure, but just be mindful of your current gf. If you need a break to think about stuff, take one. But don't put her in the middle of this only to break her heart in the end.

 

So do I! She doesn't deserve this situation! She deserves better!

 

But I haven't talked to her about all this! Like obviously we've talked about it, but not like what i've said here! Her life's been turned upside down, same as mine, i know. It's like some ghost has come walking back from the dead! I think she thinks I'm quiet is all.

 

I don't want a break though. Like it makes me mad! It makes me mad that she gets to do this to be again. Like ruin me again! All i ever wanted was a little family! I loved her, i would have stood by her forever, whatever. She left. I finally met someone, I'm finally moved on, happy, and she walks back in. Its just..... I don't even know... i feel like if anyone needs to run away to the other side of the world its bloody me!!

[preraph]

Don't let her yank your chain. She abandoned you and the kids. There's really no good excuse for that, especially the kid part. No excuse. if she needed mental help, she should have gone to a healthcare provider. You're an idiot if you let her ruin your life again. For all you know, this time she's back to take the children and leave again. That may be all she's doing, trying to get the kids.

[mikeylo]

If you give your ex the power to ruin , she will.

 

If your current gf is everything you want then don't do to her , what your ex did to you , that is , Leave her for no reason.

 

Don't let her take your happiness away. She is unreliable. Choose stability unless you feed on drama.

[preraph]

Absolutely!

 

Nope. And I am, now, highly sceptical of people anyway. I shut me and my son off from other people for a long time when she did what she did. It's really hard to totally trust people after something like that, and especially her. It's like i have so many conflicting emotions when it comes to her.

 

 

I do love her. And this is everything i want. Stable. Solid. A family. Family life! She gives me that! It shouldn't even be a choice. She doesn't deserve for it to be a choice!

 

 

It's hard cause all i can do is talk to her. We have talked a lot actually, initially i couldn't talk to her at all, i was all over the place, but we've talked a lot since.

She tells me that she can't right the wrong but she wants to be here now, she wants to be a part of her sons life (she'd of liked to have been a part of mine but she always knew the chances of that were slim, and she supposedly wants me to be happy). She reckons that she always did want the life we started to build together, but she couldnt get out of her head and that was just getting worse, that it frightened her, that she didnt want what she was feeling to hurt me and Fergus, i don't know really, in the end she felt like we'd be better without her.

I can't understand, I just can't but it is true that she since had therapy, and they diagnosed her with bipolar, and they gave her meds, so obviously there was something going on inside her head. But i just can't understand. I can't understand why she didnt feel like we could of dealt with it together, that she could of talked to me!

She reckons she didnt tell me because id of stopped her, and she'd already stopped herself so many times, and she didnt want to be a burden, etc etc, I don't know!

 

 

I know! I know!

I felt a fool when she left me.

I feel a fool all over again! Because i thought i was this big tough guy and i've let her walk straight back into my heart like a click of her fingers.

I feel like a fool, because i shouldn't feel anything like this for her anymore. I should bloody hate her, but i don't, not really, so i guess the jokes on me!

 

Ah i don't know! I love my girlfriend, I love my girlfriend, and i feel *****ty for the way my ex makes me feel!

 

I didnt want any of this!

 

You had a big gaping hole of unanswered questions and hurt, so of course she is going to send you reeling. She's back for the child, I think. She will have to work (and you should make her work) to prove she deserves contact. She caused a huge chasm in that child's life and she has mental health issues that will not just fully go away, so there will be times she shouldn't even be around the child and times she can't concentrate on the child during even the "up" episodes. A good friend of mine has this condition and a child and I watched them trying to deal with her when she was in hysterical states for little reason. Don't just give her access. Let the Court have her fulfill some things if you want her to have any custody unsupervised. They might recommend parenting courses, drug-testing, alcohol testing, and all that is reasonable.

 

Don't throw this good woman away for this messed up one. And you need to talk to your gf and let her know what is going on and get her support and respect any guidelines she gives you such as not seeing your ex alone, which is perfectly reasonable.

[spiderowl]

I can see what a shock this must be. The thing is you are dealing with the unconscious mind and feelings. Your control over such is limited. As I see it, the unconscious mind makes decisions and then the decisions become conscious to us. If you are feeling incredibly confused it is because your unconscious is trying process all these feelings and makes sense of things. It is working on them. While this happens, you are waiting and adding information. What people say here will be grist to the mill. The mill will carry on grinding regardless until it has done its job.

 

All we know is that you loved this woman so much and she still has power over you. Once you have processed all this, that power might dissipate. At the moment though, you are in the grip of what must feel like torture.

 

Don't try to force yourself to make any decisions, just let yourself float through this primordial soup of emotion. Hopefully, after a while, you will make sense of things and all will be resolved in an amicable way that is good for all involved. I have a feeling though that every time your ex enters your life sphere, she will churn up feelings for some time to come.

 

This is a risky situation. You risk losing your current girlfriend who will almost certainly sense your distress and confusion. It depends how she interprets it but if she decides that it means you prefer your ex to her, she may dump you. Somewhere in the mix you need to consider how you would feel if your current girlfriend left before you had chance to decide. This is is not part of what you are thinking of at the moment but it could happen and it might help you to understand how you feel about her. I know it is a horrendous situation to be in. I can only hope that the clouds part soon.

[Marc878]

You got burned once. You have no idea what your X has done or where she's been. You only know the "tip of the iceberg".

 

I can tell you this your current gf won't stay in a relationship with an X in the mix.

 

She walked away once and could very well do it again.

 

IMO history repeats to often yo take that much of a chance.

 

I'd leave her in the past where she belongs

[Doran]

You had a big gaping hole of unanswered questions and hurt, so of course she is going to send you reeling. She's back for the child, I think. She will have to work (and you should make her work) to prove she deserves contact. She caused a huge chasm in that child's life and she has mental health issues that will not just fully go away, so there will be times she shouldn't even be around the child and times she can't concentrate on the child during even the "up" episodes. A good friend of mine has this condition and a child and I watched them trying to deal with her when she was in hysterical states for little reason. Don't just give her access. Let the Court have her fulfill some things if you want her to have any custody unsupervised. They might recommend parenting courses, drug-testing, alcohol testing, and all that is reasonable.

She hasnt seen him without me. Well actually she has because it was him she kind of bumped into first while she was tracking me down, but she didnt tell him she was then or anything.

But since then as much as we've talked I've only let her see him a few times, always with me. I told her straight up that im super conscious on letting her into his life, when i cant trust that shes not going to walk back out again and its my job as his dad to make sure no one ever causes the kind of pain to him that she caused to me!!

Thankfully he was young enough when she left the first time. I think he only has one or two real memories of her. Obviously he cried for her for a little while when she left but kids are so easy distracted aren't they, he got over it so quick. And he's my best little buddy!

I don't want a custody agreement, i dont want to be a part time dad, ive been there his whole life, im the only person thats been there his whole life, every day, every night. The way i feel right now - if she wants to see him, then im going to be there!!

 

(Which admittedly would be easier if she didnt have the bloody ability to make me swoon like a teenage girl! )

 

Don't throw this good woman away for this messed up one. And you need to talk to your gf and let her know what is going on and get her support.

I know... I don't know what to say to her. Like I want to give her all the words that make her feel like everything is alright.. but i dont feel alright.

I don't want to sound like i'm in a mess but i am.

Its not something we've talked about loads before, i never thought that id ever see my ex again, she was out of my life, so it didnt really matter. And i don't know, what to say.

[Doran]

Thank you so much! For getting it! Honestly.

I can see what a shock this must be. The thing is you are dealing with the unconscious mind and feelings. Your control over such is limited. As I see it, the unconscious mind makes decisions and then the decisions become conscious to us. If you are feeling incredibly confused it is because your unconscious is trying process all these feelings and makes sense of things. It is working on them. While this happens, you are waiting and adding information. What people say here will be grist to the mill. The mill will carry on grinding regardless until it has done its job.

What if i can't though? Like make sense of it.

I feel like everythings spinning. I'm trying to just be normal, but i feel anything.

I guess its a bit like when she left, but at least then i knew what the right thing to do was, however much it hurt. Now im just so confused.

 

All we know is that you loved this woman so much and she still has power over you. Once you have processed all this, that power might dissipate. At the moment though, you are in the grip of what must feel like torture.

I did, love her! I thought i'd moved on, and it was all in the past. But now that just seems so so silly, because all she had to do was walk back through the door and im right back there, all those feelings are still there, all that love its present tense! I'm SO mad at her, but instead of hating her, I bloody love her. Still.

And i try to just start afresh, and put the past in the past, because I do love my girlfriend, and that's the stability that I always wanted in a partner.

But my heart betrays me.. I mean like i've had some major goes at her since she's been back, I've also cried in front of her (the only other time in my adult like i've cried in front of anyone being when she left). But inbetween all that we've had good chats as well, and i swear when we laugh - it takes me right back to being 20 again, the happiest time of my life, not a care in the world. But i know in my head thats not real, that you cant undo everything thats been done, cant take away old pain, cant fix trust with a click of your fingers, maybe cant fix trust full stop, i don't know. I don't seem to know much anymore.

You're spot on, torture is exactly what it is like!

 

Don't try to force yourself to make any decisions, just let yourself float through this primordial soup of emotion. Hopefully, after a while, you will make sense of things and all will be resolved in an amicable way that is good for all involved. I have a feeling though that every time your ex enters your life sphere, she will churn up feelings for some time to come.

Its so hard. I hate being like this, living like this. Its stupid. I don't know how i ended up here.

 

This is a risky situation. You risk losing your current girlfriend who will almost certainly sense your distress and confusion. It depends how she interprets it but if she decides that it means you prefer your ex to her, she may dump you. Somewhere in the mix you need to consider how you would feel if your current girlfriend left before you had chance to decide. This is is not part of what you are thinking of at the moment but it could happen and it might help you to understand how you feel about her. I know it is a horrendous situation to be in. I can only hope that the clouds part soon.

I know. And thats scary! I know that i should talk to her, but i dont know what to say. And i dont think theres any words that would help her right now, like if i try and talk about what i feel, like im doing here, it all comes out as such a mess.

Honestly, I dont want her to leave, I love her, i see a future with her, I dont want us to be over, but i don't really know what it is i do want!! I always thought id never let myself get in a position of being in love with two women, i thought id never let it go that far, but i didnt see this coming. Im so confused about what it is i feel. And that make me guilty because i feel like im letting my girlfriend down, i shouldnt be confused.

Id be devastated if she left because she is everything ive been looking for, and she whats to build a solid life with me, a real life.

But Im also scared of my ex walking away again - which is crazyyyyy, and i'd tell anyone in real life that im worried for my son, i dont want her to walk in and then out of his life, and that is true but its not only thing, I'm scared of losing her again, me, like genuinely! And thats SO STUPID! How can i already be that invested? I thought i had more of a guard up these days with everyone after what she did and yet she walks back in and somehow im instantly reinvested. I care, I don't know why, but i care.

Urgh!!!

[mikeylo]

Your ex is dragging you down with her. That is the only way she will get whatever she is after. She knows how to push your buttons.

 

I can predict, your current gf leaving you for good. Your ex leaving you after getting whatever she wants and you , sitting in a therapist's room for the rest of your life.

 

Get a grip NOW before you live in regrets.

[preraph]

You need to remember that who your ex was when you first met her and fell in love is long gone, and who your ex is now is a bad person who abandoned her children. She is not who you fell in love with, and she never will be again. That girl is gone. Now you just have a messed up woman you would never be able to trust. And if you let how she looks and makes you feel trump what she has done to your child, you are just foolish. She will totally turn your world upside down and leave you in ruins -- again. Between you and now, she's had a whole other life with other men and other loves.

[Doran]

You need to remember that who your ex was when you first met her and fell in love is long gone, and who your ex is now is a bad person who abandoned her children.

I hate what she did. I HATE what she did! But she is the same girl. She did the *****tiest of things! And she did it in a really cowardly way. And im certainly not making excuses for her but as much as she did a really bad thing, I dont believe that makes her a really bad person.

She was sick, and i've struggled with that a lot, she tells me how she was feeling suicidal and thats hard for me to hear because i've always believed suicide is a selfish, cowardly thing, and i couldnt understand how anyone could do that to people they love, or how she could do what she did to me. But when she talks, her whole view on the world was distorted, and I guess thats whats been hard for someone like me to understand how real mental health can be.

I always knew she'd been through some hard things, but that doesnt make you do what she did, nor give you an excuse to do what she did! But i guess its really nothing to do with anything external in your life or past, its a internal thing.

I don't forgive it. But I dont think shes a terrible person either.

 

I think whats changed, what isnt the same is our relationship! Like i do still love her, and i do feel that rush of love but i also feel a lot of hurt, she was my best friend and now... i don't know how to put it into words, its different.

 

And i was always there for my son! He was never abandoned for a second! He's the thing im most proud of in the world, he's a wonderful boy!

 

Between you and now, she's had a whole other life with other men and other loves.

Well apparently, as a side note, not that im jumping into the business of trusting her words particularly, or that i particularly give a s***. She reckons theres been no one else since me. But whatever, i told her at the time not to go there because i dont want to hear it, it doesnt mean anything to me!

[preraph]

it sounds like you've made up your mind, but bringing an unstable woman who gets so bad she considers suicide back into your family, I'm only going to say one more time, is an irrational decision. Especially when you have a better one already. The resentment is always going to be there, and she will blame YOU for it, even though she caused it. But you are clearly too smitten with her memory to stop yourself from jumping off this cliff and taking your child with you. But best of luck.

[Knix]

So do I! She doesn't deserve this situation! She deserves better!

 

But I haven't talked to her about all this! Like obviously we've talked about it, but not like what i've said here! Her life's been turned upside down, same as mine, i know. It's like some ghost has come walking back from the dead! I think she thinks I'm quiet is all.

 

I don't want a break though. Like it makes me mad! It makes me mad that she gets to do this to be again. Like ruin me again! All i ever wanted was a little family! I loved her, i would have stood by her forever, whatever. She left. I finally met someone, I'm finally moved on, happy, and she walks back in. Its just..... I don't even know... i feel like if anyone needs to run away to the other side of the world its bloody me!!

 

But it sounds like you're not taking any control or responsibility over this situation. Your girlfriend is the more stable option, you don't need this woman in your life-- and if she's not healthy, (which you can have professionals determine) she isn't even ready to be in your child's life. You will have to get the courts involved and you can arrange so that she sees your child without you having anything to do with it. You can co parent without being with her or even having a connection aside from your child.

[Doran]

it sounds like you've made up your mind, but bringing an unstable woman who gets so bad she considers suicide back into your family, I'm only going to say one more time, is an irrational decision. Especially when you have a better one already. The resentment is always going to be there, and she will blame YOU for it, even though she caused it. But you are clearly too smitten with her memory to stop yourself from jumping off this cliff and taking your child with you. But best of luck.

 

I wish I was anywhere close to having made my bloody mind up on anything, anything at all.

I don't have a clue what I'm doing.

You're right though my girlfriend is the far and away more rational choice, and you're right, i am smitten

 

But it sounds like you're not taking any control or responsibility over this situation. Your girlfriend is the more stable option, you don't need this woman in your life-- and if she's not healthy, (which you can have professionals determine) she isn't even ready to be in your child's life. You will have to get the courts involved and you can arrange so that she sees your child without you having anything to do with it. You can co parent without being with her or even having a connection aside from your child.

I dunno, i think shes in a better place now, well she thinks she is anyway.

But whatever, be that as it may, like that all sounds awful! I dont want to co parent my son. I'm his parent, I don't want to be some part time parent! Thats BS!

Up till now i've only let her see him a few times, and i've been there throughout, and i don't feel like i've softened on that at all! I don't see any reason i should have my son less, because shes decided to walk back in!

[spiderowl]

One thing to remember, your ex is not reliable. She dumped you and your child once, she could do it again. It is one thing to love someone; it is another thing to be able to trust them again. There is no rational reason why you should trust her again.