How a new baby can affect a marriage

[wmacbride]

If have children and are married to their mom or dad, how did being a new parent affect you and your relationship with your spouse?

 

If you are a woman, what was the most difficult part of being a mom? How did you overcome those challenges?

 

If you are a dad, what was the most difficult for you, and how did you overcome them?

 

For us, our babies were all "easy babies", in that they didn't have colic or cry a huge amount. After a few months, they started sleeping through the night and left our bed for their own crib.

 

I sometimes miss those days. They seem so long ago.

 

Would you say your marriage is better or worse for having kids? I don't know if ours is better or worse, but it is very different. Both before and after kids each has its own benefits and drawbacks.

[Telemachus]

As someone much older than I am told me shortly before my first child was born: "your lives will be forever enriched." That turned out to be true.

 

While a story of overcoming challenges and dealing with difficulty might be beneficial and encouraging for some, I'd prefer not to dwell in any way on difficulty. My children are now 19 and 21, young adults, and the experience has been overwhelmingly positive. My wife and I are still very much together.

 

I'd encourage others to focus on the positive, not the negative. If we've overcome difficulty, then let's put the difficulty in the past. If we're mired in a mindset of difficulty, let's instead focus on the joys, not the sorrows, the triumphs, not the tragedies.

 

Childhood goes by in the blink of an eye. Let's not miss the laughter because we're focused on the crying.

[wmacbride]

As someone much older than I am told me shortly before my first child was born: "your lives will be forever enriched." That turned out to be true.

 

While a story of overcoming challenges and dealing with difficulty might be beneficial and encouraging for some, I'd prefer not to dwell in any way on difficulty. My children are now 19 and 21, young adults, and the experience has been overwhelmingly positive. My wife and I are still very much together.

 

I'd encourage others to focus on the positive, not the negative. If we've overcome difficulty, then let's put the difficulty in the past. If we're mired in a mindset of difficulty, let's instead focus on the joys, not the sorrows, the triumphs, not the tragedies.

 

Childhood goes by in the blink of an eye. Let's not miss the laughter because we're focused on the crying.

 

That's excellent advice. My kids are all teens now, and my oldest is in college. The time went by so fast, and the baby girls and boy who I used to be able to carry in the crook of my arm are taller than me.

( aw, now I've gone all teary eyed...I know it sounds corny, but I miss them already, even though they still live at home...)

[Chica80]

My ex and I were married, one month later moved to a new city and three months later was pregnant. Our first child was born 2 weeks before our first anniversary. I suffered with really bad postpartum. So bad I had to be hospitalized. My husband at the time didn't know how to deal with it. It became and would continue to be a huge bout of contention in our M.

So I don't know if it was having children or all the stressors that come with it that we did not wrk as a team.

While they were little we worked totally opposite schedules. I worked a job that was really stressful and required long hrs. Things got better when I switched jobs and hrs a bit. But the underlying issues remained.

 

Now they are elementary age and we are seperated, divorcing. Life is definitely better.......

 

But í think that having little ones, toddlers babies etc is very stressful and taxing. I did not enjoy that stage.

I am loving this stage and every stage that comes next.

[RedBaron2765]

Note that our kids are adopted (got them as newborns, literally a few days old - they're now preschoolers). Ours got worse - the period from about five months old to around two years old (give or take) was rough. My wife was constantly stressed out and always barking at me about how I did nothing right (and not always regarding the kids). She'd bitch that she couldn't trust me to take care of the kids correctly (in her mind), but in her next breath she'd bitch that I was at work and not helping her with the kids - couldn't win either way. She also has a sibling who was being a total pain in the ass around that time (had personal issues and made sure my wife was involved in all of it - wife was afraid to tell the sibling to back off).

 

Part of the problem is that I didn't let her know that she was out of line - I just took it and walked on eggshells. A spilled cup of water would cause an explosion from her, and instead of telling her to settle down, I'd just take it or try to fix it. Eventually figured out that this wasn't a good way to deal with this, and eventually started letting her know when she was out of line (although I still don't do this enough). Her attitude now is much better, but the scars remain on my end and not sure they'll ever heal.

[wmacbride]

Note that our kids are adopted (got them as newborns, literally a few days old - they're now preschoolers). Ours got worse - the period from about five months old to around two years old (give or take) was rough. My wife was constantly stressed out and always barking at me about how I did nothing right (and not always regarding the kids). She'd bitch that she couldn't trust me to take care of the kids correctly (in her mind), but in her next breath she'd bitch that I was at work and not helping her with the kids - couldn't win either way. She also has a sibling who was being a total pain in the ass around that time (had personal issues and made sure my wife was involved in all of it - wife was afraid to tell the sibling to back off).

 

Part of the problem is that I didn't let her know that she was out of line - I just took it and walked on eggshells. A spilled cup of water would cause an explosion from her, and instead of telling her to settle down, I'd just take it or try to fix it. Eventually figured out that this wasn't a good way to deal with this, and eventually started letting her know when she was out of line (although I still don't do this enough). Her attitude now is much better, but the scars remain on my end and not sure they'll ever heal.

 

Do you think this was your children that caused this, or is that just the way she responds to stress? If she was angry, like in the example you gave of spilling water, what would she do if you asked her what was upsetting her, or would she be too snappy to bother?

[RedBaron2765]

Do you think this was your children that caused this, or is that just the way she responds to stress? If she was angry, like in the example you gave of spilling water, what would she do if you asked her what was upsetting her, or would she be too snappy to bother?

 

I think having the kids, while a joyous event, caused her to make sure everything was perfect, which caused tons of stress. Her sibling's drama also caused a ton of stress, which I couldn't comment on without upsetting things even more.

 

As for asking her, all she'd say is something like "Why do you think I'm upset? Are you that dumb you can't figure it out?".

 

Want to stress that she's gotten a lot better (kids do a good job of playing by themselves), but the scars are there. She will occasionally revert back, and if it's warranted I let her know that she needs to settle down.

[dichotomy]

 

If you have children and are married to their mom or dad, how did being a new parent affect you and your relationship with your spouse?

 

Me - I now know unconditional love and connection with my child. There is someone in my home I feel deeply connected to - and extension of my late mom and dad, also to my family far away. Legacy. My relationship with my spouse - we became more functional as a couple - partners in a practical sense. My wife grew up alot. Intimacy however has declined. Being parents has anchored our marriage. We would have never survived with out kids.

 

 

If you are a dad, what was the most difficult for you, and how did you overcome them?

There was no difficult part of being a dad, other than a some exhaustion and also worry or concern for my child's well being.

 

Would you say your marriage is better or worse for having kids? I don't know if ours is better or worse, but it is very different.

Functionally speaking my wife is more stable, mature, helpful, respectful partner and mom. Romantically (sex) its only contributed to her lack of interest or motivation and negatively affected our intimacy.

 

 

 

Responses above.

[aileD]

I think it's natural motherly instinct to put the kids first when they come along. That means hubby usually takes second place to the kids. Kids are literally an extension of their mother's bodies and it's hard for dads to understand that link sometimes. So needy dads who need attention and put kids lower than wife on the attention list get upset when they are bumped out of first place.

 

Our relationship is worse for having kids. I hate to say it but it's true. I put the kids first (selfish of me) and he is selfish and needy so it didn't really mesh well and caused a lot of resentment

 

Some couples have their priority lists in the same order and do great. Some don't. Some start out different but adjust .