Discouraged by likely move

[Jj66]

My girlfriend has tried in vain to find another position near me. She has an offer from a university that is an 11 hour drive from me with no direct flights. She has another year on her current contract but because of the toxic political situation and unethical practices in the administration where she is now she plans to resign effective July 1st.

 

I'm pretty sure she doesn't want to move away. Besides applying for and getting interviews (no offers) at some local universities, I know she has applied for at least one "real job" in my city. That must have been difficult after what she did to get out of Corporate America. But I don't know if she will even get an interview since the industry of that company is completely different than the industries she used to work in.

 

If she moves, I guess it will be the end of us. I can't move for at least two years because of the kids' school and I'm not sure I would want to move anyway even if I could for career reasons. I need to keep my job. Finding another job that pays nearly as well would be difficult at my age- finding one that is also in the area she'd be moving to would be impossible. I've also been told that to get approved for remote work at my company due to her job circumstances I'd have to marry her. Getting married to her is something I have joked about, but in reality it's a frightening prospect to get married to anyone again.

 

I'm not going to have a long distance relationship. I tried a long distance relationship once and as far as I was concerned it combined the worst part of being single with the worst part of being in a committed relationship.

 

I asked her to shack up with me while she looks for another job. She said no. She'd just move to her place on the beach, get a small job to pay expenses, work on her research, continue to look for a teaching job. I didn't ask why she wouldn't move in with me, but in the past she had told me she wouldn't do it while I still have kids at home.

 

C'est la vie.

[preraph]

Oh, I'm so sorry you have hit this fork in the road. This is so difficult when you have two ambitious self-contained people, and it will take a stroke of luck for it to resolve, I guess.

 

I'm sure university jobs are kind of a revolving and cyclical kind of thing. It could change in six months. Truly, the best plan, unethical workplace or no, is to find a new position where you want it before you quit the job. I mean, she does have the option of remaining at the job and trying again in a few months. But that's her decision. It had always sounded, from your posts on here, that you had a great relationship. I hope things work out some way.

 

It's certainly not a good thing to consider moving away from your kids. That's best done after they start moving away from you and get scattered out.

 

I suppose if you could afford it, you could offer to float her for a few months while she continues to try -- but again, she has the option of remaining at her present job until she finds something local, so not sure you should go out on that limb.

[Gaeta]

What does she think of the whole situation and your relationship?

 

I would not quit a job without having another one to fall back on but I also do not own a second house on the beach so I guess she can afford to just quit for principals.

[spiderowl]

That sounds tough and a dilemma for both of you. A job may come up at a university nearby but in practice universities are usually quite sparsely situated. I can understand her wanting out of her job if it goes against her conscience and she is under pressure to do that.

 

It does not sound as if she needs to move in with you, children or otherwise, from a financial point of view. However, I may have misunderstood the situation there.

 

Do you think she really wants to stay or is actually looking to move on? It sounds like she is not very committed to you, which is a shame.

[Jj66]

Yesterday she declined the offer from the place that's 11 hours away and took some more steps toward finding something local. She now has a letter of recommendation and an offer from her graduate school program director to be an adjunct for him when she leaves. She also got someone she knows who used to be the president of the alumni association of a local university where she has an application pending to contact the chair of the selection committee on her behalf. And like I said, she applied for that local job in industry.

 

I think she's quite committed to the relationship. For quite some time she has been trying to get back to Florida. Now she's trying to stay here. She had given the director notification of her intent to resign on July 1sr 2016. She rescinded it after she met me last year and we hit it off so well. He personally thanked me for keeping her here.

 

She had been intent on resigning because of the toxic environment with the leadership in the undergraduate school. It's only gotten worse in the last year. She was asked to sign a document stating she had seen no wrongdoing regarding a particular thing the university was being sued for. She refused to sign. Not only that, she has now served as a witness in that lawsuit. From what I can tell she is considered public enemy number 2 by the administration and they are making her job a living hell because of it.

 

She will stay in her current job through the end of the Fall semester if she has to but will not continue after that. I think it's a financial decision because her lease expires after the Fall semester.

 

She absolutely does not need to move in with me for financial reasons. Although it's expensive she can afford to leave her current job and move back home on principle. Sometimes the hell of keeping a job exceeds the financial pain of not having one.

 

If she hasn't found something local by the end of the Fall semester she says she plans to move back to her home in Florida, get a small job to help with expenses, and work on her research until she finds another academic job. When I suggested she could move in with me at that time while she worked on her research and getting another job she wasn't very keen in that idea. She said she wouldn't, but she would fly up to see me every month. I think that part could be open to change. Besides the kids being with me half time she has said things that indicate she is concerned about being financially dependent on anyone. She wants to carry her own weight. When push comes to shove she might decide its better to stay even though it isn't ideal. But of course there are no assurances.

 

The prospect of long distance doesn't seem bother her as much as it does me. In fact, in her marriage she and her husband spent the first 18 months living separately. He was in NY while she was in FL. She said she thought it was a good arrangement at the time. Consequently, I believe if she got a good offer back home she would take it and try to maintain the relationship with me long distance. If we somehow managed to stay together for the next two years after that, I would consider trying to relocate with my current employer. If they said no I think might have to end it. There are no good prospects for me there and I am not ok with a permanent long distance relationship.

[Gaeta]

So,

 

What is the difference between living in her florida home and working small jobs to pay her bills and living with you and working small jobs to pay your shared bills? This not wanting to be dependant of you isn't a genuine reason.

[preraph]

Sounds like Baylor. If so, she will probably have to come back and forth for various legal things anyway.

[Jj66]

So,

 

What is the difference between living in her florida home and working small jobs to pay her bills and living with you and working small jobs to pay your shared bills? This not wanting to be dependant of you isn't a genuine reason.

 

Maybe you are right. But here is some speculation on my part...

 

She has a consulting job in a Florida that she does for a few weeks in the summers. She used to work for that company full time. They have asked her in the past to do more work than she was able given her professor gig.. She may feel she could just pick up some work quite easily with them. Here, she would have to find something.

[Jj66]

Sounds like Baylor. If so, she will probably have to come back and forth for various legal things anyway.

 

Because there is a lawsuit, obviously I can neither state, confirm, nor deny the name of the school. It's a cluster **** that is for sure.

[MountainGirl111]

I'm new here...but I was drawn here because it caught my eye. I was in a long distance relationship and even though we loved each other and dug each other, it was basically "crazy-making" in the end. It was very frustrating. I feel like a fool for hanging on as long as I did to that relationship. Years, in fact. Then, he moved even farther away and contact was limited; almost non-existent. So, I was left to assume he wanted it to end. (by moving farther away). But he never really officially ended it or said good-bye either. He just left with no real way to keep in touch. Talk about crazy-making. I invested YEARS in that relationship. Shared a lot. I feel like I wasted a lot of time and energy. Very frustrating. I hope you get it straightened out with your gal somehow.

[Popsicle]

I think LDR's suit people who aren't very serious.

[Jj66]

Although it's in my time with my kids, my gf came up to help me with my ongoing renovations. As usual. we worked very well together. It's this fact that has me thinking I should perhaps "wife" her. You can have fun playing and vacationing with almost anyone, but when you can work well as a team that's pretty special in my book. My XW and I couldn't ever work together and it was a source of conflict over all the years we were married.

 

During our long day of work we had a lot of chance to talk. She'd definitely committed to us. Her applying to a real job at local company is a huge deal. She'd basically be throwing away her PhD.

 

I reiterated my offer for her to move in with me when her lease is over. Her initial response was no. I asked her why. She said she didn't want to mooch. I told her I understood that, but I have never seen her be anything other than a hard worker in all the time I have known her. She's definitely not a freeloading type. She wouldn't be mooching. It would be a source of joy have her with me. I have always been a provider and that it was an instinct that I have as a man. She told me I was a good provider and wondered why she had never found a man who was a provider. Who knows? but you've found one now.

 

I told her I hope she'd do the same for me if I were between jobs. She said, you won't ever be between jobs. I said I hope not, but you never know what's going to happen in this capricious thing we call life.

 

Her plan, before our talk, was that if she can't find something local by the time her lease runs out here is to move to her beach place in Florida. I asked about the lost rental income. She said her management company was bought out recently and her revenue is down 80% year to date because all the repeat business has dried up. She'd move in there and get two small jobs (she has two contacts there who want her to work for them part time) and otherwise just work on her research until she found a good academic position. I can see the motivation of her plan. If her rents are down that much her beach place is a cost center now and not an income center the way it was last year. Move in to minimize expenses and then try to make enough she isn't spending down her savings. She really wouldn't want to burden me with covering her shortfall.

 

After our talk, I think she is less sure of that plan. Anyway, good to have the dialog going and hopefully something good turns up before her lease runs out.

[SevenCity]

Don't underestimate the power of a ring to a woman. You can be in an exclusive loving RL for years and it means absolutely crap to them.

 

Marriage on the other hand represents commitment despite it only being a legal arrangement.

 

I bet she would feel much different about your proposal if she was your fiancée or wife.

 

As you can see from these boards it's not easy to find someone who you really connect with. I'm not saying to use it as a bribe but if you are thinking of marrying her, asking now would be a good time.

 

My last RL would have likely not ended if I put a ring on her finger.

 

Also, it will buy you valuable time - if you change your mind you can always break it off before marriage which likely wouldn't happen until she gets the job thing sorted anyway.

[preraph]

I know it doesn't make sense to a lot of men and it really doesn't even make sense to me, but I have never been comfortable with anything resembling a man taking financial responsibility for me. I'd never feel like an equal partner or would , perhaps wrongly, feel I had lost some rights or something. So I understand her reluctance.

 

Now the way around that with me would be to let me pay something and kind of keep things in ratio with each of your earnings and also to at least let me have one room to make all my own because I love my stuff and can't be comfortable sharing stuff with most people.

 

I think part of her problem right now is having TOO many issues to have to think about at once, the place in Florida, the legal mess, the work (that alone is colossal) and how to make it fit with the relationship. It's a lot to have to think about and very stressful. Her impulse is probably to simplify and get one thing off her plate. So I'm hoping either the job or the rental resolves soon to make her decisions easier.

[SevenCity]

I know it doesn't make sense to a lot of men and it really doesn't even make sense to me, but I have never been comfortable with anything resembling a man taking financial responsibility for me. I'd never feel like an equal partner or would , perhaps wrongly, feel I had lost some rights or something. So I understand her reluctance.

 

Now the way around that with me would be to let me pay something and kind of keep things in ratio with each of your earnings and also to at least let me have one room to make all my own because I love my stuff and can't be comfortable sharing stuff with most people.

 

I think part of her problem right now is having TOO many issues to have to think about at once, the place in Florida, the legal mess, the work (that alone is colossal) and how to make it fit with the relationship. It's a lot to have to think about and very stressful. Her impulse is probably to simplify and get one thing off her plate. So I'm hoping either the job or the rental resolves soon to make her decisions easier.

 

Actually, I think most men would agree 100% with feeling this way.

 

I would not feel comfortable at all with someone else leading the finances.

[preraph]

You know, I am that way, but at the same time, most women do have a fantasy about being taken care of too. But for me, I can't really handle it. My old roommate, who knew me quite well, used to say I'd end up with some kind of rich guy, like she saw that in me, but I never did date for money. I just think she saw that I loved niceties and luxuries and thought I'd enjoy that.

[Jj66]

She has now received an offer in Florida but nothing local. Proposed start date is August 1st. Looks like this could be the end.

[preraph]

Oh, man, I'm sorry. Is she thinking it will work out sometime, or do you get the feeling she's anxious to make a change? Do you think she really feels the need to flee from that situation she had at her last job and that could be the motivation, that she wants to get back to anonymity and out of the area? I have a love interest who used to be a journalist/satirist locally and then he got criticized by some group who couldn't be made fun of and fled and would never come back here to live because it was humiliating for him, even though his fans outnumbered his detractors and didn't take it seriously.

[Popsicle]

She has now received an offer in Florida but nothing local. Proposed start date is August 1st. Looks like this could be the end.

 

Quick! Ask her to marry you!

[Jj66]

Quick! Ask her to marry you!

 

Lol. My marriage proposal would find it hard to compete against a six figure income of her own

..

 

Her: Florida is going to give me a 9 month contract for what I am making now. I'll have the opportunity to teach in the summer but it is not guaranteed. I'll get the letter on Monday.

 

Me: Congratulations! How do you feel about i

 

Her: Sucks.

 

Me: Really? It's great that they want you. What sucks about it?

 

Her: No more money. Same deal as I have now. I need to get back to you here

 

Me: I love you.

 

Her: When I get the letter, I'm going to contact [local university] and tell them I have another offer.

Oh, Jj! I love you too.

At least they will pay moving expenses.

We need to do the math and figure out a plan together

And make a final decision.

After Wednesday.

 

(I have a court hearing on Wednesday that will determine my finances over the next 2 years)

 

Me: OK. We will do that.

[Jj66]

Quick! Ask her to marry you!

 

Lol. My marriage proposal would find it hatd to compete against a six figure income of her own

..

 

Her: Florida is going to give me a 9 month contract for what I am making now. I'll have the opportunity to teach in the summer but it is not guaranteed. I'll get the letter on Monday.

 

Me: Congratulations! How do you feel about it?

 

Her: Sucks.

 

Me: Really? It's great that they want you. What sucks about it?

 

Her: No more money. Same deal as I have now. I need to get back to you here

 

Me: I love you.

 

Her: When I get the letter, I'm going to contact [local university] and tell them I have another offer.

Oh, Jj! I love you too.

At least they will pay moving expenses.

We need to do the math and figure out a plan together

And make a final decision.

After Wednesday.

 

(I have a court hearing on Wednesday that will determine my finances over the next 2 years)

 

Me: OK. We will do that.

[Popsicle]

Lol. My marriage proposal would find it hatd to compete against a six figure income of her own

..

 

Her: Florida is going to give me a 9 month contract for what I am making now. I'll have the opportunity to teach in the summer but it is not guaranteed. I'll get the letter on Monday.

 

Me: Congratulations! How do you feel about it?

 

Her: Sucks.

 

Me: Really? It's great that they want you. What sucks about it?

 

Her: No more money. Same deal as I have now. I need to get back to you here

 

Me: I love you.

 

Her: When I get the letter, I'm going to contact [local university] and tell them I have another offer.

Oh, Jj! I love you too.

At least they will pay moving expenses.

We need to do the math and figure out a plan together

And make a final decision.

After Wednesday.

 

(I have a court hearing on Wednesday that will determine my finances over the next 2 years)

 

Me: OK. We will do that.

 

Good luck.

 

Do you wish to be in a LDR?

[preraph]

Well, maybe after Wednesday it will make it easier to make some plans.

[Jj66]

Good luck.

 

Do you wish to be in a LDR?

 

No. Been there, done that.

 

But I don't want to say goodbye either. I'm in love. She's already said she would spend summer and winter breaks at my house, fly up to see me frequently, and keep trying to find a job near me. That gives me some consolation but is that enough?

 

Such a hard decision.

[preraph]

I think I could live with that for awhile.