Feeling like the husband and Wife

[Fergielove3]

Hi all,

 

I'm completely new to the site, I stumbled across it just today and figured I'd give it a shot I mean what could it hurt right. So a little back information I'm 26 years old and so is my husband, we've been together since we were 15 years old and married when we turned 20. Lately my husband has been stressing me out to the max, he use to take care of the family and he complained and was also so stressed out and angry, he was in the military. Well since he separated from the military the family burden has seemed to fallen on me and I try my best to not complain because this man has taken care of me for years when he was serving the country and allowed me to stay at home and raise our daughter.

 

Well because financial situation has shifted from him to me he's been a real ass always finding a reason to be upset about something and picking fights with me idk if he feels less of a man because I basically take of the family or what but I'm sick and tired of his disrespectful words and ways. Let me break down my day today to give more in sight. Today I woke up in intense pain. It has a lot to do with the birth control I'm on, the one I'm forced to use because he doesn't want anymore kids and he never lets me forget that he didn't want our daughter and that I practically forced him to get me pregnant. Back to the story,

 

I expressed to him I was in a lot of pain and he was nice enough to go and buy me pain medicine unfortunately they didn't work as I'm still bawled up in pain. Well I tried to get up and do some housework, starting with pizza that was left on the table last night as the previous day was so busy we were all exhausted and went to bed early, so I cleared the table and threw away the pizza, and he got pissed off at me because he said he was going to give it to the dog. He never expressed that to me so he went on to insult me for throwing away pizza. Then came back and said before you throw something away take the time to ask me was I planning on given it to the dog, simple request which is fair enough but he can also say hey I'm going to get this to the dog.

 

That way we're both working to communicate. I didn't state this to him I simply said okay. Well then he went to clean the dishes as the pain wouldn't allow me to stand up without wanting to cry. So he's complaining about washing the dishes and asking why weren't they washed and proceeds to put all fault and blame on me as if I'm not trying, he sits at home on his off days and he won't life a finger to do anything but gets angry when I don't come home from work and do all house work and start on dinner immediately. I can't talk with him because he has a temper and he's always right in his world.

 

I often walking around so sad because i feel like my husband wants me to be both the man and woman in the relationship. I don't mind helping out with bills but I want to feel like the woman in the relationship again. My husband spends his extra money on marijuana and beer which drives me crazy because it proves he has an additional 50 a week that could contribute to bills or at least doing something nice for me for once but he never does anything but insult me and remind me why I'm not good and when i tell him these things he responds by calling me delusional or bipolar and that I need a pill and that should fix everything.

Edited April 10, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[snflwrgrl]

I'm glad you are reaching out! Sometimes it just helps to talk. I'm sorry you have been stressed out lately and often walk around sad. It must be very hard not being able to talk to your husband because of his temper. Have you thought about talking to your local pastor or a counselor? They may be able to give you some support and guidance. A counselor may be able to help you figure out the best way to communicate with your husband and help you work through some of those past hurts you mentioned. Have you thought about seeing your doctor to see if he can change your birth control medication since it is giving you so much pain? I want to commend you on trying to help support your family! That says a lot about you. Please know I'll be praying for you and your husband. I hope things get better soon!

[somanymistakes]

I'm sorry you're in pain and I hope things get better, but I don't really understand what you mean about "feeling like the woman".

 

Do you just mean, you want to feel cherished sometimes? That's a valid thing to want. And it's certainly valid to want him to help out and contribute to the relationship, it's not fair if every burden descends upon you.

 

Pushing too hard for "this is what a man does" and "this is what a woman does" can have negative consequences in a relationship because in the real world things are fuzzy and complicated, and a good marriage requires partners who can support each other and look after each other and step in wherever they're needed. Even in a 'highly traditional' family sometimes a dad has to change a diaper because it needs doing, and if he gets all upset about it because he perceives it as woman's work and leaves the kid to suffer this is no good for anybody.

 

Particularly with your husband having been in the military, he may have entrenched ideas of What A Manly Man Does and being inflexible about those ideas can cause him and you a lot of pain. That sounds like it might be what's happening here? I'm not sure, it sounds like either he lost his job or he has a low-paying job right now, so he feels a lot of anger and self-disgust for not being manly enough, and this spills over into anger at you? While at the same time he refuses to help out around the house because that's even more Unmanly to him? So he ends up pushing you into both earning the money and keeping the house, while being endlessly angry and resentful at you about the whole thing because it reminds him that he's a failure (in his eyes), from which he can only distract himself by means of the very manly outlet of Beer?

 

If that's what's going on then to make your marriage happy again one of two things would have to happen: either he has to get a great new job that allows him to feel like he's top dog again, or he needs to do some serious soul-searching and learn to be happy with himself as a human being rather than A Man, so that he can accept and explore different paths of life.