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Do Internet Interactions Make People See People Differently?


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Tanyasinclair

It is just something I have been contemplating lately. I mean, when I went into town for a little errand today, it was just your standard thing where you go to a store, pick out your prospective purchases, and if the cashier is friendly/chatty you interact with casual small talk and then you leave, and you don't even think much about it. Three weeks later, you might not even remember that it ever happened or what specifically was said.

 

I have noticed, however, when it comes to internet interaction, welll.....

 

I think, depending on what your style of interaction is, what you expect, and what you want out of the interactions or relationships.... it can be different, or even a bit strange, depending on how you do it.

 

I mean.... one unfortunate thing I've noticed is that.... again, depending on how you interact with some individuals and the way you do it, sometimes.... it can almost be easy to look at a username or profile annnnd..... I'm not saying that this is right or anything, but it can be like, "There's my current favorite game" or "There's my favorite interactive bot."

 

Like I said, I'm not saying that this is right or anything, I'm just wondering if anyone else has had experiences like this, or knows anyone who has. :/ I mean, I think it can be agreed that we should never look at another human being in any capacity as an object or something to be accessed just because they happen to be there or they are approachable.

 

It's just... it seems like it can be so easy, especially if all you do is communicate through text mostly, to start thinking of someone as nothing more than an NPC, or perhaps some kind of interactive novel or even a database whose brain you can pick now and again.

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I think the Internet makes it possible to connect and talk with people who wouldn't usually be in your usual group or type. For example I'm a Christian and made a Jewish online friend when there are no Jewish people in my community. I live in a small rural mostly blue collar community, (I'm the type who shops at Walmart, but I like art, literature, culture, and philosophy.) and was able to use the Internet to network and join conversations with educated scholars and writers, which is really neat and exciting to me as an intelligent nerdy woman who lives so far away from 'culture.'

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lionlover1973

[]

But, I do know that in person (real life) interaction requires more emotional effort as opposed to interacting with a computer (meaning it is easier).

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Tanyasinclair

I have found that it is easy to get extremely attached to people on the internet, sometimes to a very, very unhealthy and toxic level... depending on how much chatter is exchanged and how frequently the chatter happens (and how much you can used to talking to this person or having that person all to yourself.)

 

Maybe in some cases, emotional stimulation and constant attention can even become a form of addiction.

 

I have personally experienced cases where.... I dunno, especially in the beginning, it's like I could easily become the center of someone's world, and they mine, to the point where it's like the cyber equivalent of living together or having a roommate.

 

Then something inevitably happens where they change, they get busy, or they get bored with you and/or more interested in other people and/or other things, and then that one person you emotionally thrived over seems... disconnected, and the interactions feel like a pale shadow of what they used to be.

 

Although it could be said that the individuals involved never should have allowed themselves to dive in so deep or get so attached in the first place....

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lionlover1973

I suppose I can see why some may say it is easy to develop a connection of sorts online.

 

Sure people can flirt online, share things with one another, etc., but how profound is it really?

 

For me personally, no.

I need hands on interaction. To feel the other person physically and non-physically. It adds a level of depth to the interaction that can't be measured. :bunny:

 

That is not to say one way is better than the other, everyone has their own preference.

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I have found that it is easy to get extremely attached to people on the internet, sometimes to a very, very unhealthy and toxic level... depending on how much chatter is exchanged and how frequently the chatter happens (and how much you can used to talking to this person or having that person all to yourself.)

 

Maybe in some cases, emotional stimulation and constant attention can even become a form of addiction.

 

I have personally experienced cases where.... I dunno, especially in the beginning, it's like I could easily become the center of someone's world, and they mine, to the point where it's like the cyber equivalent of living together or having a roommate.

 

Then something inevitably happens where they change, they get busy, or they get bored with you and/or more interested in other people and/or other things, and then that one person you emotionally thrived over seems... disconnected, and the interactions feel like a pale shadow of what they used to be.

 

Although it could be said that the individuals involved never should have allowed themselves to dive in so deep or get so attached in the first place....

 

Whether it be online or real life, it's normal to have friends come and go throughout our lives. Even close friends. It's just part of life.

 

Being close friends with someone does not mean that we should expect to be close friends forever.

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Tanyasinclair

Sometimes it's just absolutely heartbreaking when someone changes, and sometimes you don't even understand why because they don't really tell you or they aren't interested in explaining much to you.

 

Or in other cases, it seems like someone was there to fill a role in your life (and maybe you in theirs) but.... then something shifts, and you both no longer fit.

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You included this toward the end of your posting, and I think it helps answer your question or address your overall point:

 

"...if all you do is communicate through text mostly...."

 

It's fairly arguable that this isn't even communication. Almost all of human communication occurs through body language and facial expression (largest component, and a majority), then tone of voice (second largest component), and lastly through words themselves - raw content. That last component is only 7 percent, and only 5 percent for text read on a screen. That assumes that the receiving person actually reads it.

 

In short, the better you already know someone in regular life, the more likely you are to be successful communicating on occasion through text-only. For people you don't know, such as people you meet online, the probability of successful communication, meaning mutual and reciprocal transfer of meaning and understanding, is extremely low.

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, and sometimes you don't even understand why because they don't really tell you or they aren't interested in explaining much to you.

Well...at the beginning, when they don't yet know you, they don't yet know if there are any peculiarities in your styles of being in the world and interacting with other people.

 

Then, later on, as they get to know you, perhaps they find you too exhausting, or too needy, or too insecure (or however they perceive it) - and, for them,

it would then just become an Energy-sucking, Soul-depleting exercise that they have to let go for their own sanity and emotional well-being.

 

Maybe, even, they would tell you if they thought you open to it; or perhaps they already know from experience that it would be futile, perhaps due to a tendency to

just talk over or bombard with ever more questions.

 

Someone who cares enough about you WILL be willing to be honest with you and tell you the problem and help you understand why this keeps happening to you;

but it is always up to you to have open the ears to hear and the eyes to see what they are trying to convey to you -- which can be a challenge to the psyche, but still. Otherwise, you will just keep having more and more unanswered questions, and end up being stuck there.

 

Here's hoping that does not happen to you,

Ronni

Edited by Ronni_W
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Tanyasinclair

I guess it's just very easy to get used to it, and to become emotionally dependent on someone.

 

I mean... several years ago, when I really had no-one and I was on the outs with my own family for various reasons, I had like... five different people who were willing to me go on about pretty much anything and everything, sometimes endlessly.

 

There was one special one in particular who.... almost half-bragged that he had a lot of patience and that he really liked helping anyone he could. And he got very, very emotionally and personally invested in my problems, listening to every detail, commenting on every intricate area, and he would remember everything that was said in previous convos.

 

The thing is... if you are lost, confused, and depressed, and you have a small network of people who are willing to do this sort of thing... I don't know, maybe for a time it might be kinda needed, especially if you're THAT down and your psyche has been shattered that much. It can serve as a buffer to help you get the worst of your emotions out of your system and help you begin to pick up some of the pieces.

 

But... the only problem is that... part of me sees this as like the most wonderous and awesome time I ever had with some people, because we blended our psyches or at the very least, some people got very, very personally invested in me. And to be fair they probably gave me a LOT more of their time and attention and energy than they should have in the first place... and I think in their own way, some people already attested to that, and a couple of them said (either directly or indirectly in some fashion) that they never should have spoiled me rotten in the first place, and... I think at least a couple of us agreed a while back that if it hadn't turned out this way, maybe.... maybe it also wouldn't have been so difficult for me to wean myself off of others' attention and sympathy.

 

The thing is... I don't know, I seem to be somewhat addicted to attention and I'm rather attention-seeking at times, and I'm also a bit of a sympathy-whore. And... I hope I don't sound like I'm blaming the other parties too much, but I just... I sorta feel like if they hadn't indulged me so much in the first place, maybe it would have been easier not to have certain expectations or feel a sense of loss later on.

 

Or maybe I'm jsut greedy in my own way, I don't know.

 

I found what you said there very helpful Ronni, especially what you said in regards to how people don't really know you up-front and don't know your peculiarities for interacting with the world.

 

Maybe in some areas this is me being rather dense, stubborn and kinda dumb-headed, but... in a lot of ways, it has seemed like I have gone through this... cycle over the last several years where I meet someone, each of us agrees that the other seems really nice, we hit it off, we start sharing personal data, and for the first few weeks or months, everything seems glorious and like I have the perfect friendship and like the other party does not have any problem whatsoever with me or anything I'm doing, or any of my habits or attitude. And there is nothing about them, so it seems, that bugs or irks me, and we just flow along, and I LOVE the attention I'm getting from them.

 

Then over time, it's the same old story. (One friend actually referred to this as being like a "Honeymoon phase".) The newness wears off I guess, both parties start being around each other enough to start getting annoyed or noticing things that they didn't before, which means.... the person seems less golden and more tarnished the more time you spend around them.

 

I don't know, I guess for a long time... it has felt like... the first few weeks or months of any really close and passionate friendship were THE BEST, and after that, it just goes bleh, sometimes for multiple reasons.

 

And it could be because neither of us were willing or able to see aspects of the other party at first, or maybe we were just really caught up in the feel-good-fun of the first few weeks, and then... reality sets in.

 

For some reason though, I've found that what I usually want or whatever when this happens is... I guess I've wanted to believe that the other person is just going through a phase, that they are actually NOT the way that they are presenting themselves to be as more time goes by, and in some cases, that they aren't really saying what they are saying. I want it to be the feel-good thing like it was when we first met, when anything goes and there's no flaw to be seen and you can just take this individual as a perfect angel or any other way that you want to.

 

I dunno, I probably sound ridiculous and selfish, but... that's some of what I've been through and dealt with.

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Tanyasinclair,

 

I'd be happy to offer you my perspective, but I don't want to do it in the open forum. However, please feel free to 'private message' me, if you wish

 

In Love and Light.

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Tanyasinclair

I would like to private message you, and I want to hear what you have to say (especially since I think it might help) but the problem is that I see no option to private message anyone. I go to other people's profiles and I see the option to look at threads they've started or posts, but nothing else.

 

So... how do I private message you? ^^;

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It appears one of our moderators posted a moderation link to a information thread that doesn't work for members so I deleted that interaction and here's the correct link:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/general/loveshack-org-questions-comments/373984-consolidated-question-information-thread-established-membership-private-messages

 

As far as subscribing, it's USD $2.50 for a month and PM privileges begin immediately.

 

Now back to internet interactions make people see people differently. Thanks!

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It is just something I have been contemplating lately. I mean, when I went into town for a little errand today, it was just your standard thing where you go to a store, pick out your prospective purchases, and if the cashier is friendly/chatty you interact with casual small talk and then you leave, and you don't even think much about it. Three weeks later, you might not even remember that it ever happened or what specifically was said.

 

I have noticed, however, when it comes to internet interaction, welll.....

 

I think, depending on what your style of interaction is, what you expect, and what you want out of the interactions or relationships.... it can be different, or even a bit strange, depending on how you do it.

 

I mean.... one unfortunate thing I've noticed is that.... again, depending on how you interact with some individuals and the way you do it, sometimes.... it can almost be easy to look at a username or profile annnnd..... I'm not saying that this is right or anything, but it can be like, "There's my current favorite game" or "There's my favorite interactive bot."

 

Like I said, I'm not saying that this is right or anything, I'm just wondering if anyone else has had experiences like this, or knows anyone who has. :/ I mean, I think it can be agreed that we should never look at another human being in any capacity as an object or something to be accessed just because they happen to be there or they are approachable.

 

It's just... it seems like it can be so easy, especially if all you do is communicate through text mostly, to start thinking of someone as nothing more than an NPC, or perhaps some kind of interactive novel or even a database whose brain you can pick now and again.

 

You are smart! It's the modern-day equivalent to "playing house." It's playing at something without really getting the feet wet. People spend hours picking apart other online daters and half of the profiles are contrived BS anyway. They nitpick through those and find one that looks right, then act as if texting is a real relationship. And then if they finally meet, which most probably do not, they're nothing like the image the other person has in their head of how they are. Their personality is flat, or, obviously, they look worse, they have some quirk, and the bite isn't as good as their bark. Some people get real emotions interacting like this, but they're not based on reality. And some of them just get whatever validation they can out of whoever they can and other than that, nothing much may come of it.

 

Then it is too easy to fill in the blanks with the ideal image in your head and imagine this person on the internet is that person. But that person doesn't exist except in your head.

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Tanyasinclair

I hope it's okay if I go off-topic for just one more quick moment, because I just have one further message to Ronni ^^;

 

I just wanna say that it looks like it'll be about a week or so before I am able to access PM features, but I would like to hear what you have to say, so... I dunno maybe you could write it up on Word and stash it somewhere? Or just hold that thought and I'll PM you once I am able. ^^;

 

Either way, back on topic:

 

You are smart! It's the modern-day equivalent to "playing house." It's playing at something without really getting the feet wet. People spend hours picking apart other online daters and half of the profiles are contrived BS anyway. They nitpick through those and find one that looks right, then act as if texting is a real relationship. And then if they finally meet, which most probably do not, they're nothing like the image the other person has in their head of how they are. Their personality is flat, or, obviously, they look worse, they have some quirk, and the bite isn't as good as their bark. Some people get real emotions interacting like this, but they're not based on reality. And some of them just get whatever validation they can out of whoever they can and other than that, nothing much may come of it.

 

Then it is too easy to fill in the blanks with the ideal image in your head and imagine this person on the internet is that person. But that person doesn't exist except in your head.

 

I found what you said here to be very interesting, for several reasons.

 

First of all, back a few years ago, I did used to look at some dating websites, especially since my parents met through some sort of dating place long ago, and one of my cousins at least tried it out.

 

The only thing is... since I was always taught that Christians should only date Christians, that meant I kept looking at Christian websites, figuring that was a nice place to find a nice Christian and they were probably looking for Christians too. (Yeah, that already makes it sound like you're trying to "shop" for a person, which... maybe that is kinda what it is in ANY kind of dating or "looking for someone", but... yeah)

 

Either way, the thing that annoyed me the most about at least one of these Christian dating websites is when you looked at some of the profiles, the "about me" and whatever had nothing but a host of their favorite scriptures and biblical passages. I mean, is that really supposed to impress anyone, to go copying/posting stuff from the Bible instead of trying to tell other people about what you are like as an individual?

 

And on the subject of being on the internet being like "playing house"...

 

I really, really like that description and comparison, especially since I've been through that myself. Except in most cases, I think my version of it was more like a sibling-type thing, but... we really did get deeper and closer than we should have, probably.

 

One of the biggest reasons why it was so difficult for me to accept it when some of my peeps started getting lives off the computer was because...

 

Well, look at this way. For a time, you and the other person have all the time in the world to pretty much just sit around on the computer, gab, gossip, write fanfiction together, read fanfiction, talk about fandoms, watch youtube videos, rant about what you hate about life, just... whatever.

 

To top it off, you get used to getting up in the morning and just knowing that person is gonna be there, paying attention to your blog posts, your general chatter, and... you even end up just expecting their presence and taking it for granted. They're always there, period. They don't have a life except you, a few other computer-peeps, and the internet itself. Period.

 

You even get used to stuff like... they will sometimes say things like, "brb I need to go downstairs for a sec" or "I'll be back in 30 minutes I need to cook something" or "I'll be back in just a little bit, I need to vaccuum." Or if they end up going on a trip for the weekend, OMG WOW!!! That's a big thing! And you're the first one to be told about it, and they assure you they will be back after their weekend camp trip, and you're the first one to hear about it when they get back, and you talk about it and then resume your regular routine of chatter and such.

 

Then eventually, things change. They start to get a life. They meet someone who becomes their significant other, they possibly get a job, or possibly other things start to happen.

 

So what happens? All of a sudden, there is.... STUFF going on in their lives. And since you're not there personally to see what is going on, and they aren't discussing every little detail anymore (because maybe some of it is private, or some of it is happening so fast they just don't have the time to tell you all about it), and...

 

Before you know it, the close-knit connection isn't really there anymore, and they start to seem more like a stranger. On top of that, you start to feel hurt and a little neglected because this person is no longer saying stuff like "brb I need to go downstairs" because they aren't around enough to say that kind of thing anymore, and they're far more likely to just go downstairs without really saying so (along with doing a lot of other little things throughout the day without really mentioning it), because they're not living inside their computer anymore and they probably feel that mentioning stuff like that would be silly.

 

But you miss it anyway, because.... you know, not having that, among other things, means that something in the strong connection has faded. And it almost seems like you're the only one who's really noticed this......

 

Then it finally reaches the point where O_O This person is actually going out of the house pretty frequently, and you are even shocked to discover that they have done stuff like volunteering at the local soup kitchen, started getting more interested in school, or you find out that they have gone to several conventions. And.... it really, really stings, especially because you had no idea and it even seems like you are the last one to know, and worse, maybe they even thought they told you, but they haven't.

 

And if you try to complain, sometimes it seems like you just get an attitude like, "Well you could have asked" or you get told that you should have intitiated conversation or showed more interest in their activities..... and even if that is a good point, it still stings, because there was once a time when it seemed like THEY USED TO SHARE STUFF AUTOMATICALLY. (Though realistically, I guess the key difference here is that in the early days, part of the reason why they shared every intricate detail of their day and chattered all the time is because there was not much going on TO share, and now.... there is so much they just don't have the time or energy.)

 

In the end... I know that it is rather self-centered, and if anything it simply shows that they had a point when they kept telling me it simply meant I should get a life myself instead of being unhappy or indicating that I'm unhappy because they've found a life.

 

I guess I am just saying...... when you were THAT deep into it for a time, that attached, that used to the connection and always having that person there exactly as things were, it can be a pretty big shock and adjustment to find that that person just isn't really there much anymore, and that you don't have much to talk about anymore when they are there, because they're like a stranger now, and so much stuff has happened to them since the last time they deigned to talk to you that you just don't know how to interact with them anymore, especially if you're used to the way you interacted with them in the past.

Edited by Tanyasinclair
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Yeah. It's like in a way that people are just really talking to themselves, more or less, and using you like a diary. Then, yes, they get busy, and poof...

 

It is hurtful. I have made one good internet friend. But I've been disappointed in a couple others who flaked or betrayed because I wasn't real to them.

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Tanyasinclair

In my internet escapades.... I have found that it is easy to treat people like they are just an extension of oneself and one's own mind, and when it reaches a point where it turns out they actually have their own mind, their own sensibilities, and their own opinions and perspectives on things... it can be very shocking and hurtful.

 

Especially when one finally gets slapped with the cold reality that they have been this way all along and you haven't been paying any attention to anything they have been trying to tell you, because you've been ignoring it or hoping the other party would just start to say what you want to hear them say instead, or... at worst, you might even be mentally filtering what they are saying and subconsciously changing their words into something you wanna hear instead.... and you might not even realize you're doing it.

 

I've been learning the hard way that that is a very easy trap to fall into on the internet.

 

On top of that, it is definitely easy to fall into fantasy territory, like.... playing on people's emotions, trying to use them to play out some sort of fantasy, and ignoring the fact that they have (or are getting) their own lives because you're secretly hoping their attempts to get a life of their own will fall flat because you want them to come back to you, keep interacting with you, and for things to be the way they were.

 

In the end it's really self-centered, especially since one should be happy for the progress they have made in getting themselves out of the computer and into real life, and getting themselves established with a job, a genunine relationship, and other things.

 

Buuuut.... I dunno. Depending on the circumstances, how deep stuff got, and whatever.... maybe for some people, (at least in regards to some dynamics) it can either be like your favorite childhood friend packed up everything and moved away from you and barely writes/calls anymore, *OR* it some cases.... (as self-centered as this is going to sound) it's more like your favorite toys/playthings that you could manipulate and get stuff out of left you.

 

It's all pretty terrible, but that is the way it happens sometimes and it is what happens sometimes.

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PrettyEmily77
Then it is too easy to fill in the blanks with the ideal image in your head and imagine this person on the internet is that person. But that person doesn't exist except in your head.

 

I agree with that, but it took personal experience to be able to make sense of it.

 

What first brought me to LS was 'meeting' a guy on a professional type forum - I have zero experience of online dating, I'm not social media minded, have always been an 'in person' or 'on the phone' kind of person and most of the people I know, although reasonably Internet savvy, tend to be the same, ie they have a strong preference for real-life interactions.

 

Anyway - that got my head spinning a little and so I needed to make sense of it with people who had actual experience of that sort of things.

 

I found it weirdly safe, intriguing and exciting to be getting to know someone from a distance. He lived in another country in Europe where I have family, so that added a bit to the spice after a series of not so great experiences. There was no cat-fishing or bad intentions or anything of the sort, he seemed like a good enough guy but I had found myself more attracted to the idea of that guy than to the guy himself as I'm not sure I'd have pursued anything with him had we met IRL.

 

I don't know what happened to me that I'd let myself get embroiled in a situation that put me so far out of my comfort zone, but the irony is that it was people on the Internet (the LS community) who helped me make better sense of it all.

 

So the Internet can make people see things differently in both negative way (skewed or unrealistic expectations, meeting a life-partner becomes a box-ticking exercise, less restrain in discussing the most intimate details of your life with people you have never met IRL, false sense of security and 'belonging'), but also in a positive way (different perspectives, shared experiences and sometimes well-meaning support).

 

The most important thing is to remain aware and in control of your actions and intentions online, and to abide by healthy boundaries you are setting for yourself.

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So... how do I private message you? ^^;

I guess you saw the moderator's post about the requirements for private messaging.

It's no prob, though; just keep your eye out for when you get PM privileges, and then message me if/whenever you wish.

 

R

 

EDIT TO ADD: I'll make a note, so, when you PM me, we'll be on the same page. :-)

Edited by Ronni_W
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