My life story, long in the making, finally came around to it (WARNING: Long read)

[LitTunnel]

Hello everyone. First off, my apologies for this being long but I'm like in serious need of some support and sound advice. I understand that most of you won't read this because of it being so long so I expect a very, very small amount of response. I more or less just writing this to get this out because I needed this to be done. I've been holding this off for far too long. If you do happen to be someone who actually gets through this, wow, thank you...thank you.

 

Growing up as a kid I was the youngest of 3 siblings. I looked up to my brothers immensely. My mother was an absolute Angel. My father on the other hand was the exact opposite. He was mean most the time, discouraging, embarrassing, quitter, abusive (verbally and physically) and ruled the household with an iron fist. We grew up relatively poor. My mother always worked her butt off and when she came home she would also do house duties like a dog. When I say Angel, I can't write enough positive words to describe her. My 2 brothers and sister worked as well and contributed almost all their money just to help out. They were awesome. I was still too young to work at the time so I pretty much watched everyone do their thing while I was just being a kid, sitting observing.

 

My father on the other hand was lazy. He never once worked a job when we moved to America in 79. I guess he felt he didn't know English and was so accustomed to his life back home that he felt he didn't have the proper tools to make something happen in America. It's a BS excuse, trust me, I know but that's the way he probably thought. So he basically made everyone in the family work and contribute monetarily except for himself. I guess his way of giving back was his ability to be good at paper work/accounting. That I will admit he was good at. He was very meticulous when it came to paper work and what not. He also had the smarts to make all of US citizens in a relatively short amount of time so that was a big plus on him. He saved all the money he gathered from the rest of us for things like food shopping and on the rare occasion new furniture and clothes. I usually had cheap shoes and wore them out to the point where they had holes in them and clothes that were sometimes hand-me-downs. But what he was really putting the money aside for was a triplex property he eventually purchased. It was really run down though but ours nevertheless. We were also on welfare and food stamps which was especially degrading. Even as a kid, I knew welfare and food stamps was embarrassing to be on, but oh well, I had no choice.

 

Our furniture was always crappy and getting food from the fridge without permission was a no-no. If my dad found out or saw us just randomly eating stuff from the fridge without permission, especially if it was his, we stood the high chance of either being yelled at or hit. This was more in our younger years, but as we got older this eventually tapered off. But it was still a weird experience just to go into the fridge and get things at random. Also my dad was so dam strict with me. He would rarely allow me to go outside and play on my own and I absolutely hated this and hated him for it. I was always stuck at home and I hated it especially because that meant I had to be around him. Most the time everyone else in the family was either working or just out and about. No one really enjoyed being home because it was never a fun experience to be around my dad. I mean don’t get me wrong he’s does love us but he was just never the type that showed he. He just chose always to not be happy. He was usually, not always, but more times than not, in a bad mood. And obviously no one wants to be around that, especially me. I dreaded being home with him as a kid. Dreaded. I always would wished I was outside playing with kids doing fun things but instead I was always stuck home because my dad was so dam strict and just an A-hole. I would be creative when by myself and make my own fun most the time but still. And times when I was outside I would usually just run off and do my thing when I was not supposed to and if I was caught I would take a beating here and there but I didn't care, I needed to break out from time to time and an occasional beating here and there was worth it. Also, I was a big time mamma's boy. I ALWAYS wanted to be with my mother all the time. My mother meant EVERYTHING to me. She was my source of love. To this day I would die for her, God bless her. Because I would be cooped up most the time at home I can tell she would feel sorry for me and would take me to her friend's house who had kids so that I could play with. She literally was my everything. She was my life. Without her I wanted to die. I was so attached to her.

 

Anyways, I was always, ALWAYS embarrassed of our lifestyle. Like I said our house was very old and run down. Furniture was old and crappy. My dad's car was a beater that made the loudest muffler sound imaginable. It was so incredibly embarrassing and laughable. I would always run straight to my dad's car and duck inside after school because I never wanted the other kids to see the beater I was driven home in. I dread the last school bell of the day, oh my God. On top of it my father was incredibly discouraging and downright a bitter, temperamental man. He just always seemed to be pissed off and never enjoyed life. He never wanted good things in life. He never wanted nice stuff or go places for adventure. He never really cared about seeing others happy in the family or even himself. He always seemed like he was worried of the present and future. He was also incredibly insecure and cheap. Truthfully, I despised him but I respected him out of fear.

 

Growing up I was always afraid of not just him but life in general, not knowing that most of his traits were being passed on to me, unfortunately. I remember seeing other families and seeing how they were usually always doing better than us. My cousin especially, my dads' younger brother. I mean don't get me wrong it's not like they were rich but they seemed to have a much, much better lifestyle. Their house was nicer, furniture was much nicer, my Uncle was way more laid back and forgiving. My cousins had more freedom and independence and confidence. I would usually want to be there. I would spend summers at their house for weeks because I just enjoyed being there way more than my house. God, I would hate it when I would get back home after being at my cousin's house. I was also so jealous of other kid's dads. I would always analyze how some of their dads acted and would compare them to my dad. I would on many occasions wished they were my dad.

 

Suddenly, I was now growing up into my young adult years and I was suffering very badly in my academics. My grades were absolutely atrocious. Cs, Ds and Fs mostly. And it was no wonder. I was now exhibiting the same values as my father. I was incredibly insecure, temperamental and never felt good enough. I remember school time I never once, NOT ONCE focused in class. I never took education serious. I was such a poor young man. I dreaded school. I was so bad at it that to me the idea of school was pointless. And to make matters worse when my progress report or especially report cards would come home, oh man, the fear. My father would open it and when he saw the results, boy oh boy, the beatings and yelling I would get. I just never could do well because I simply didn't know how. I just has no self-esteem. I was now literally mirroring my father. My insecurities by this time was really taking shape.

 

After I barely, by the skin of my teeth, graduated from high school I suddenly began to party like a rock star with absolutely no ambitions in life other than to be an actor, for some odd ball reason, like it was an easy thing. Deep down I'm a creative soul so I guess I can see why I chose it but ya right. Acting is not as easy as it looks. I tried my stint in college courses at the same time but failed miserably when I simply couldn't find the strength and will to sit down and study. Plus, I had no money to purchase my books and classes so when I would approach my father for help he would deny me in the most humiliating way. So I just eventually gave up on school and started working odd jobs here and there thinking that I would soon become a famous actor (lol, ya right). So, with that mindset I jumped from one dead-end job, to another, to another, to another, to another, to another so on and so forth. It was so pathetic. All the while even my acting was a joke because I would never do the things I was supposed to do as a professional because I simply didn’t know how. I was completely oblivious to what needed to be done. Back then I was absolutely oblivious to what I was, but now, sitting here I could see that back then I was doomed. But in my head I was living a fantasy. A fantasy that would never come to fruition because of the negative mindset I had which I was absolutely unaware of on a conscious level.

 

My partying by this time was out-of-control. Going out almost 3-4 nights out of the week and partying like crazy, drinking, doing drugs, sex with whoever. I was a mess. I was lost and confused. I had no goals or any ambitions other than wanting to be an actor, but even that I was clueless. I had no plan, no strategy as how to accomplish my goals. I was just winging it as it came.

All of us in the family were basically on our own by this time. We were getting older and soon enough my sister got married and left the house. Then my oldest, and middle brother married and gone. Now, suddenly I was left alone in the house with my father and mother.

 

Needless to say, growing older I suddenly fell into deep, deep depression which eventually led to severe panic attacks. I had no clue back then what was happening to me. I thought I was dying, literally dying. Back then there was no internet, no cell phones or anything so it's not like I could just look it up like we can today on the internet so I had no clue what was happening to me. It was so scary. And to make matters worse I had to kind of deal with it on my own so I suppressed most of my fears for a long, long time because no one seemed to understand what I was going through when explaining to them. When I did ask for help they would basically just brush it off to the side like it was no big deal and that I would soon get over it. It was so frustrating. Well, my anxieties were getting worse and worse and to the point where I eventually sought help from a counselor who recommended me to get on anti-depressants, which I did. Eventually I did get better, thank God but I was still this insecure, fearful, lost young man with no direction. Only thing going for me was my youth and energy.

 

Now in my twenties, again, moving from dead-end job to another I was feeling somewhat happy. I wasn't depressed anymore. I was pretty much working making a decent living for my age and paying for my own. I was hooking up with a lot of women but because I had no coping skills and maturity I couldn't ever once sustain a lasting relationship. I would simply go out with them once, maaaaybe twice and that's it. The women always knew I simply wasn't boyfriend material. I didn't exhibit those qualities that made women attracted to me long term. But I was still young and some of them did want to be my girlfriend but I would eventually just sabotage them in due time. I can't begin to tell you how many women I could've really built up deep relationships with that I screwed up because I simply wasn't capable of handling them. So because of this I just bounced from one girl to another all the while screwing the relationships up badly in the end. So what I ended up doing was settling. I would go out with loser girls. I had a stripper girlfriend who was a mess herself. She was the one I lived with for 1 year. Don't get me wrong I had a ball with her but it was a dead-end relationship that eventually crumbled very, very badly. I acted a complete fool after I broke it off with her but then when I wanted her back she denied me. I even went as far as sneaking into her apartment and trashing the whole place. It's like something inside of me just took over. I became a madman. I can't believe I did that, but I did. Luckily I didn't get arrested but the cops did end up calling me saying to never approach her again. We did eventually start talking again but drifted apart and went our separate ways. Shocking.

 

Then, once again, went back to my same routine of bouncing from one job to another to another, so on and so forth; the ongoing games, all the while still living the illusion that I would one day become an actor. I was literally pinning all my hopes in becoming an actor so because of this I never thought taking any job serious. I thought acting was going to be my ticket out of this mess. And with this mindset my age was slowly but surely racking up. From my early twenties to now in my late twenties and I still had no goals, no direction, no clear vision or the confidence that I was working hard at something that would eventually reap me a healthy harvest for my future. Again, it was just an illusion I conjured up in my head as this fantasy. With no foundation yet setup or even the idea of how to setup one I continued my destructive ways. Again, jumping from more dead end jobs and dead end relationships to the point where I'm at now.

 

Basically, it was in my mid-thirties when I finally, FINALLY realized my doomed fate as an actor was getting near but I then acted in denial. Yes, I'm proud that I stayed in acting school almost in its entire 2 year course and I did a few plays in front of people (although I sucked) I did eventually quit a few months prior to graduation and decided to venture off and do other work. Pretty much I quit acting school because it started getting really demanding and just like my father, my way of dealing with a difficult issue was to quit and that I did. I then went and did theater work which was expected to be incredibly difficult but of course I did very poorly because it was a whole different beast and again I was unequipped to handle the pressure and challenge. But did I wait it out long enough to learn? Of course not. I eventually quit that too and that is when I finally just got so frustrated with myself that I quit acting altogether and I never looked back. This was in my mid-30s.

 

All the while I let my life pass me by. At this point of the game I was working a dead-end job. No degree. No skill trade under my belt. All I had was some acting ability and a bunch of low paying, low value job experience. The pressure was starting to build, really bad by this time that I had to do something. So what did I start next? Writing. Now, I wanted to be a writer. And so I went and purchased writing books in hopes that I can write a script and sell it. I thought I did all the necessary work to understand how to be a successful writer so I took my new found knowledge and began my quest to write my very first script. Boy oh boy, the process nearly killed me. I never had such a terrible time. I was so stressed out that all the creativity within me was literally sucked out because all my insecurities, stress, pressure came out into my work. I literally, LITERALLY forced myself to finish the script even though I knew it was absolute garbage. But in my delusional mind I thought perhaps it might be good so when I allowed my best friend at the time to read it he gave me the toughest criticism. And even though I didn't show it to on the outside, after we hung up the phone I was devastated. I literally abandoned the script and just stopped altogether. The process was literally too painful. But the scary thing was I was really pinning my hopes that this would be my outlet to a new career and when I knew I was not even remotely close to being the successful writer that I wanted to be I instead regressed back into my role as a self-destructive, negative, pessimistic, fearful, insecure man. I eventually tore up all my books on writing and deleted my script. I was now noticing my form of escape from a problem was to just abandon it and it felt great. It meant I can start all over. Just a terrible and vicious cycle. I was always quitting when things got tough. I was essentially a pro quitter. And this started getting worse and worse. I was quitting pretty much anything that was getting too difficult for me to process.

Meanwhile, my father had been dead many years.

 

I'm 42 and I STILL live with my mother. My Angel of a mother still works at her old age of 70. She pays for the rent and food while I pay for our utilities, our cell phone, cable, our insurance and food as well. I'm a driver so whatever money I'm making I'm paying off my once $12,000.00 debt. Luckily, thank God I've brought it down to just under $3,000.00 so I'm proud of this. But I still have a dead-end job that I can lose easily any day. I have poor health insurance and I'm still this negative, insecure, fearful person, just like my father once was. And to be honest I've picked up also his temperament. I rage sometimes so hard core, usually in my car where I just slam my poor steering wheel like a madman. I broke up with my ex 9 months ago which absolutely devastated me and still am because she was a reminder of what a loser I am. I mean who the hell would want to be with me in my current state. The thing that scares me most is I want to change so bad, so bad. I'm now really, REALLY starting to feel the pressure. It's building more and more. Now that my mother is in her 70s I'm wondering how much longer she is going to work. She's eventually going to have to stop working and what do I do then? I'm just so afraid of my future. I have no security whatsoever. I know one day she's going to die and I swear when that day comes I'm going to literally lose my mind. She has been my life source. I love her so much that I tell God when that day comes please take me too. She has been my main source of unconditional love. I love her so much that my heart swells with sadness because she never once bothers me about my life. And she knows how bad I feel. I might not show it but she sees how I live and pathetic I am and yet she doesn't bother me about it. In fact she still talks to me and says words of encouragement when deep down I don't feel them to be true.

 

Now the pressure of me needing to do something is surmounting more and more to the point where I have no choice but that I HAVE to do SOMETHING. I can't bare the fact that I've let her down. It literally breaks my heart because instead of me supporting her she's still somewhat supporting me. I just don't feel like a man but I want to be so badly but I feel like I don't have what it takes anymore. I'm afraid to search for a new career because of my checkered past. I mean I have so many holes in my resume that it literally stops me from pursuing a new career for fear of looking like a fool. Plus I lie almost entirely on my resume. It's shameful and embarrassing. I feel so insecure about my past work history. All I ever want to tell the interviewers is "look, my resume sucks, I know it, but I want to work so badly here and I'm willing to do whatever it takes, just please give me an opportunity. Just give me a chance. I will not let you down. I just want you to believe in me and I swear I will give you my all." But of course we know we can't say this but deep down I just want someone to believe in me. And to be honest that's when I work my best is when I know someone believes in me because it reassures me that I should believe in myself. I know we're supposed to feel this on our own accord and not needing other people's approval but because I'm so down on myself I simply don't trust my own words. It's sad, I know. This is what I'm working on.

 

The bottom line is I'm 42, and I've dug myself such a deep, deep hole that at this point I can't even see ground level. The truth is I feel like my time to make something happen has gone. I know it's not true. I know many people have made something amazing out of their lives at their older stage in life but I've gotten to negative and fearful that I feel like maybe I'm not strong enough to find the strength in me to climb my way out of this bottomless pit. I just feel hopeless, honestly. I know this is extremely negative and I need to change my mindset and to be honest I have read up on thinking positive, and what you think you attract and I've tried to change my thinking and habits but the truth is I just as soon go back to my old ways in a matter of a day or two. It's like I'm powerless to change. I've created such poor habits that I'm on auto pilot when it comes to thinking and acting negative. And what pisses me off is for a long time I was trying really hard to change and yet I couldn't actually made a genuine change in my life and trust me I really, really tried. I would even get super mad at God because I would constantly, CONSTANTLY pray to God to help me. "Please God help me. I need you now more than ever. Please God. I don't expect you to give me things all I ask is for your strength and guidance. Please just help put me in the right place and right time to make a positive change in my life. Help me to find my way. I don't know. I'm lost. I need you God. Just give me a chance at life to make a better person of myself." Time after time after time I would beg and plead with God at a chance to make a man of myself but to no avail. And this rejection by God eventually turned me against him. I would often scream and scorn God for being such an A-hole. “How does a loving God not help someone in need? You are so cruel God, so cruel” I would pretty much continue to curse every dirty name in the book at the top of my lungs at God for not helping me. I was seriously damaged goods man. I felt abandoned. Worthless. I was also so confused because I don’t understand how my brothers were able to marry so early, build their careers, have children and be happy when I’m stuck by myself. I found myself constantly just stone-faced and in absolute shock and aw at what my life has become. I’m literally beside myself.

 

I’ve read on so many occasions where people in my similar situation find a way to get out of their situation but I’m constant, CONSTANTLY baffled at how they did it. Where did they pull the energy and confidence to go from nothing to something at such an older age? It just astonishes me that they did it and I envy them. This works more as a discouragement for me because I simply don’t see how this is possible because I don’t feel anything anymore. It’s like I’ve totally given up on myself and it really, really scares me. Please believe me, I DON’T WANT TO QUIT. I DON’T WANT TO QUIT. I DON’T WANT TO QUIT!!! But just like clock-work I go back to my old ways because I simply don’t know what I want anymore. I don’t know I have to do to make things happen because I feel like with my lack of education and work experience I feel so dam limited. I’ve been to jobs interviews and I feel so dam insecure. Again, my work history is pathetic so I can’t speak with confidence and the interviewers pick up on it and never call me. This is why I’ve stooped to just being a driver because I feel this is the only job I’m qualified for and yet I hate it with a passion. And the thing is I do have other interests that I want to pursue, more on the creative side, but I’m always afraid to pursue them because it would have to mean I can’t work which would mean I can’t make money to pay for bills. It’s like I’m stuck in this crap area in life. Where when you’re young to afford not making money for the sake of education, experimentation and what not now at my age of 42 I feel that I absolutely can’t afford to take time off to do what I want to do, and instead I’m stuck doing a job that I hate. Go figure. Plus, when I do get some time off instead of focusing on my side projects I just completely zone out in front of my computer because I’m always so stressed and I just need time to unplug. Pretty much my creativity is all gone in this state.

 

After my breakup 9 months ago, I went into compete depression. Even though she wasn’t the right woman for me I miss her so bad. I was devastated because finally I met someone who accepted me for who I was and I managed to screw that up too. Even though I broke up with her I did it in such a bad way that it totally turned her off and when I wanted her back she totally denied me and went off with someone else. I think about her constantly. The regret is unbearable. And now an ex-ex of mine who I’m in contact with again is wanting back into my life but at this point I have absolutely no attraction to her whatsoever. I want to get back with my ex again but I can tell that my ex-ex wants back into my life too and I don’t want her anymore. I totally have friend-zoned her. What’s sad is she’s an alpha female and she knows how my life is. Pretty much when we were together 3-4 years ago we constantly fought because she would always made jabs at me for not being “man enough.” I wasn’t the typical guy who at my age had a business, house, and savings. Eventually we broke up and I got over her relatively quick. But this current ex of mine I’m still not over her. My ex-ex hates my ex and she knows I want my ex back. I’ve changed so much thought. I’m much calmer now and speak as clear-headed as possible so now when I speak with my ex-ex she from time to time still brings up how a man is supposed to be I know what she’s trying to get at. She’s basically suggesting to me that I need to get my **** together. Like I really need her to tell me this. I mean she’s very sweet and I do like her as a friend but she’s trying so hard to change me to do better that it’s putting all this pressure on me to change. Not necessarily for her but for myself. Again, I don’t want to ever be with her. I just feel that I need to do something now and I’m scared because I need to figure things out and the fact that I’m still lost and confused at my age is literally paralyzing me to make a move.

 

The good news is because I’ve been through so much in the last year that I’ve strive to change more for the positive. I’m just really, really challenged in the career part of my life. I’m hoping this year I can finally get my own condo so I can feel independent. I love my mother with all my heart but I must break from her. It’s amazing I’m even saying this but it is what it is as embarrassing as it is. I have a big family and I wish for her to move in with one of my siblings and have her retire. She deserves it. She’s worked her whole life like a dog and deserves relaxation. I’m also proud at the fact that just recently I’ve come to acceptance that I no longer will ever, EVER blame God or the Universe for my troubles and for not helping me. I did this all the time in the past but now I’m taking total responsibility for my actions and failure. And for the first time in my life it actually feels good to take responsibility. No more am I ever going to have my bouts of rage with God ever again. God is not responsible for my actions because God gave us free will and it took me all this time to finally understand and accept this as truth and now I’m at total peace with God. Never again will I blame you for not helping. I can only imagine how many times you’ve bailed me out that I didn’t even notice so thank you God and I love you always.

 

I want to thank you for reading this. If you have suggestions please feel free to write. I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading all this. I know it was long but this has been in the making for a long, long, long, loooooong time. I ask you to please pray for me. Honestly. Just throw me a prayer if you can because I really need all the help I can get to find a solid job, a beautiful and loving companion that I’m compatible with with and a home I can call my own. This is ALL I ever want. I know that if my chance at a rewarding future happens that I’m going to help as many people as I possibly can.

I thank you and I appreciate you. God bless!

[bebe23]

Hugs and prayers. Praying right now for you.

 

I don't know your name or where you live, OP, but I know what it's like to grow up with emotional abuse. You seem like a very sensitive and creative soul.

[Sweetfish]

I don't think you should give up on the acting...

 

It may not be the big screen...but there are people making 6 figures on youtube. If its your passion keep working on it..

[Poutrew]

You know, at first I was tempted to pass your post by because, like you said, of the length. But I'm glad I didn't. Despite the subject, you have a way with words. I kept reading because you have a great writing style and you drew me in. Maybe acting isn't your thing, maybe you should try writing instead? Writers say that you can only learn grammar in school. To actually know how to craft a story in a way that draws others into your world is something that can't be taught - you either have it and become an author, or you don't and you become a newspaper reporter Either way you have talent, and can make a respectable amount of coin... You already have the tools you need - a computer and your own life experiences. And yes, some of the most famous writers started from humble beginnings. Steven King was so broke when he sold his first book that he writes that he literally cried. J.K. Rowling was an unknown English housewife sinking into obscurity after a divorce when she typed up the first Harry Potter novel with a manual typewriter on her kitchen table. Now she is richer than the Queen... Just pick up some books showing you the art and style of creative writing and maybe for some inspiration take an adult class on creative writing, and start banging on those plastic keys. Good luck (and remember I get my 5% cut of the action when you get famous...)

[LitTunnel]

You know, at first I was tempted to pass your post by because, like you said, of the length. But I'm glad I didn't. Despite the subject, you have a way with words. I kept reading because you have a great writing style and you drew me in. Maybe acting isn't your thing, maybe you should try writing instead? Writers say that you can only learn grammar in school. To actually know how to craft a story in a way that draws others into your world is something that can't be taught - you either have it and become an author, or you don't and you become a newspaper reporter Either way you have talent, and can make a respectable amount of coin... You already have the tools you need - a computer and your own life experiences. And yes, some of the most famous writers started from humble beginnings. Steven King was so broke when he sold his first book that he writes that he literally cried. J.K. Rowling was an unknown English housewife sinking into obscurity after a divorce when she typed up the first Harry Potter novel with a manual typewriter on her kitchen table. Now she is richer than the Queen... Just pick up some books showing you the art and style of creative writing and maybe for some inspiration take an adult class on creative writing, and start banging on those plastic keys. Good luck (and remember I get my 5% cut of the action when you get famous...)

 

haha, awesome. I wish more people like you exist in this world. Thank you for the words of encouragement. I typically write much cleaner but I was rushing my post out for fear of saying "aaah, da hell with it." Thank you:)