Hearing Deficit/Problems with Reality.

[Tanyasinclair]

I've been told that I definitely have a problem with overanalyzing things, and obsessing over things, which I am very aware of.

 

The thing is... I'm really not sure where I sit or stand when it comes to friendships, or even basic human interaction. I have social needs, I have my own outlet that I'm fairly comfortable with, but... I will also say that I do tend to go about things the wrong way.

 

I have also been told that I am easy to rub the wrong way, in some cases I have been told I get upset easily, and there are some areas where I can't deny this.

 

The thing is.... I really don't know what it is I want or expect from life, or anyone else. I've also noticed that I have had a significant and unfortunate tendency to get very attached to some individuals who, at one time, gave me validation by listening to everything I said, agreeing with nearly anything I said, and to a point... even if they didn't agree with everything I was saying, some of them were very understanding of my position and where I was coming from. (Although my deluded mind would twist things around at times, to where I mis-interpreted someone who was merely sympathizing with me while respectfully and gently offering a viewpoint into being someone who was actually agreeing with me whole-heartedly).

 

In the end... I really am an ultra nitpicky McNitpicker, to the point where.... I don't know, I guess I want to analyze people, the things they say, what makes them tick... almost like they are television show characters, or characters from novels, rather than real human beings. I think a large part of this kinda goes back to how I grew up pretty much alone, and my dad and I would spend lengthy periods of time discussing and analyzing characters from TV shows, novels that we both read, or other things... and I would just soak it up and ask a lot of questions.

 

The thing is.... I tend to get curious about very specific things, and I tend to latch onto individuals who either expressed a lot of interest in me for any reason and/or who seemed like a source of potential information who didn't mind if I picked their brain at times.

 

And... I have also hurt some people because they had certain expectations on me, ones that I either couldn't or didn't want to fulfill. I don't know, maybe I am just the type where.... in a manner of speaking, if there is a solid use for the mutual interaction then I'll stay around, but if it reaches the point where I am being held to certain expectations or I am expected to change somehow, I'll bail. (And in some areas..... I have also had the tendency to want/expect others to change.)

 

I also have a strong tendency to hold grudges, where I will remember something that somebody said, and depending on who said it or how they said it, sometimes I will never let it go or forget it. Though sometimes I even end up trying to stay in friendships even where I am unhappy or... I just dont' like the other person for some reason, simply because I shared so much of my life with them that I want to keep my foot in the door and it's hard to let them go because it feels like I'm giving up some kind of control.

 

I also tend to go around in around in my head, because.... I don't know. For the most part, I don't like people that much, and with very few exceptions, I can't stand people. And even the people I do like... I don't want them around much.

 

So... I don't know. In some ways, unless I happen to find someone with a similarish mindset who doesn't mind being my sounding board or possibly having an intellectual/philosphical discussion about something we both can mesh our psyches over, I just find I don't have much use for people, and... I can even end up ditching people I once shared a deepish connection with if I no longer have a use for them or if I have another reason (like, they crossed some kind of line). Sometimes... I will grow bored with individuals once they have filled a need I have or satisfied my curiousity in some way.

 

In the end, I actually find myself getting more satisfaction from watching television shows (like Star Trek, or decent sitcoms) because that's like I can get an outside view kind of socialization or interaction, and I can grow to love the characters, love their drama, love what is going on in their lives, see every detail that is going on, and be included in certain details of their lives where I am not included in the lives of regular, real humans.

 

I do have social needs, but... they seem to be met sometimes just by making a phone call once in a while, even if it's just once a week, and otherwise.... I'm perfectly happy just doing my own thing and I don't care if the rest of the world is there or not.... unless someone happens to come along who amuses me in some way, or can feed into (and possibly join in with, or enhance) whatever it is that is currently fascinating/stimulating me emotionally and intellectually.

 

I probably sound like a complete snob, and I probably sound very cold-hearted and jerkish, but.... this is apparently how I am, and if that makes me a cold user, then I am a cold user, and I can't necessarily change the way that I am. I can only be honest about it and admit the facts/truth about it all.

 

I'm... just still trying to deal with these facts, consider how I have hurt others, be careful not to do it again, and.... figure out what this means for me and how I should or shouldn't interact with others. :/

[ZayKayWill]

My friend. I have the exact same problem and can totally relate with you. I'm not much of a people person either, and even the friends I have I don't really like hanging out with too much. Just like to do my own thing. I'm a big overanalyzer too, and honestly I am FINALLY just now taking a hold of it. I worry about how I may have hurt others, too, such as my ex from my overanalyzing and not just relaxing and using my emotions...idk. But either way, I feel you. You just need to stop overanalyzing. I know that's easier said than done, but it's what you have to do. You don't need to overanalyze everything. We are animals. We have survival instincts naturally. If something crazy happens and we need to do something, we WILL do it. If that makes sense....not even sure where the hell that came from honestly.

[todreaminblue]

I find that when i am in a relationship i am not in my head so much.....more external...

 

 

i dont forget when people hurt me i think its part of ,my ptsd responses....a protection mechanism..... but i do forgive...and i give chances....

 

with my analysing i try to remember more good points about someone than bad...and i do notice and observe a lot its part of me being a writer that i do this....\

 

i find journaling helps me a great deal to get actually ou tof my head its like a valve where i put thoughts out wherever written or typed and that helps me to move on......analysing and the like can be useful in so many ways...especially in relationships if you are willing to do self analysis like hard self analysis more brutal on yourself than others.....as far as not ending relationships or keeping people around.....i dont form friendships or relationships easily...im actually really really shy,.....at heart anyway....i am a disassociated identity....childhood and young adult trauma...so ...

 

it makes it very hard for me.....and i am very internal .......to the point where i can go away and not feel physically....so i need to be around people i have known ....for a long time.....and people i tend to attract are lonely or needy people i have empathy......and if people need something ....its me they find....i dont give up on people....not easily......and when i have been with a guy he is the one who draws a boundary......around me/.....i actually really love people...maybe too much....and boundaries are hard for me to keep stable/.....i have had a fifteen year relationship its possibel to eb an analyser and have steady relationships that are deeply fulfilling...you dont forget the good things...either...thats what you focus on....deb

Edited February 6, 2017 by todreaminblue

[Tanyasinclair]

My friend. I have the exact same problem and can totally relate with you. I'm not much of a people person either, and even the friends I have I don't really like hanging out with too much. Just like to do my own thing. I'm a big overanalyzer too, and honestly I am FINALLY just now taking a hold of it. I worry about how I may have hurt others, too, such as my ex from my overanalyzing and not just relaxing and using my emotions...idk. But either way, I feel you. You just need to stop overanalyzing. I know that's easier said than done, but it's what you have to do. You don't need to overanalyze everything. We are animals. We have survival instincts naturally. If something crazy happens and we need to do something, we WILL do it. If that makes sense....not even sure where the hell that came from honestly.

 

 

For whatever it's worth, that helped more than I can say.

[Tanyasinclair]

When I say "deficit hearing", I'm not talking about a literal hearing problem caused by any physical means. I'm talking about something mental, something apparently disconnected from reality.

 

Frankly, it seems to be something that has kinda been around in my family, to at least some extent, for as long as I can remember. Not just in my parents but also in at least one of my aunts. And I've found that I'm guilty of doing it myself.

 

I'm not sure if this only happens in some people, or if there is just something in human nature sometimes where this happens, but....

 

Sometimes, it just really does seem like people can have a huge problem LISTENING and interpreting, absorbing, and deciphering something that is said in the exact, precise context that it was said.

 

And it irritates me to no end when people do this, even though.... I have also realized that I do it myself. :/ And lately, I have also come to realize that apparently I have done it far more frequently than I ever wanted to acknowledge or admit, especially to myself.

 

There have been several friendships/human interactions I've had that just haven't worked out in the long run. And... I think part of the problem is that, well, ignoring the fact that we weren't really compatible, I guess..... I really wanted to think of them as extensions of myself and my own consciousness, I guess? Kinda like, "These people are MY friends, MY family, and I told them about some of MY personal data and shared some of MY life with them, so... they HAVE to be a certain way and agree with certain things." Or whatever.

 

But it sometimes has reached the point where I have completely ignored a lot of important factors about other people, including what they were saying, because... I guess I just didn't want to accept it, or I couldn't accept how much they had changed.

 

What really gets to me though is much how I have realized lately that some people were actually saying things that I didn't like or that I did not agree with all along, possibly even for years. I guess.... instead of paying attention to personality differences, and what the other party was actually saying, I... heard different things instead.

 

I have even been trying to reflect back on spoken conversations with more accuracy and clarity, looking at the words said instead of how I interpreted them at the time, and I even went back and looked at some old conversation logs where.... when I could swear that, at one point, this person and I had had a solid, mutual understanding/agreement on this or that fact/concept/whatever, I find myself startled to realize that there had apparently NEVER been a magical point in time where that person and I were so much on the same wavelength as I thought. I only deluded myself because I thought this person was a certain way, (just like me, I guess) and I wanted them to be that way. If we really were that different, on such opposite sides of the fence... I didn't want to hear it or deal with it as it was.

 

I guess I am simply stunned at how much I have misread things, put things through filters, etc., based on my own desires or what it was that I wanted to hear people saying, and how I wanted them to be.

 

I... still think maybe part of this goes back to how my own family was for a long time, (to be fair, all of us have been forced over recent years to wake up and smell reality in ways we never wanted to before), and... I'm not trying to use this as an excuse, because I'm responsible for my own actions/attitude despite whatever examples I grew up around. But....

 

Sometimes I just wonder if in some cases, the tendency could be mildly genetic or something.

 

Liiiiike.... somehow, for years and years, it just seemed like me and my family did not acknowledge any sort of reality and didn't even seem to be aware that there was a reality or existence outside of our own heads.

 

There are many many different examples, from tiny ones like this:

 

Kinda like the time when I was a young adult, I told my dad I wasn't interested in being gifted a specific video from a children's series because I felt I had outgrown it.... and then even after he had acknowledged my words, later he gifted it to me anyway, with the smugness and self-entitlement of someone who still expected you to be a certain way and receptive of a certain thing, and you felt obligated to put on an act and be the way that was expected (the way you had been before) because otherwise you will be rude or hurt the other person's feelings.

 

To somewhat bigger deals/issues like this:

 

When I tried to confide in my mother when I became a young adult, that I had zero interest whatsoever in becoming a mother (because I can't stand kids and I have never had any experience with them anyway) and then two days later, she tells me randomly during some off-hand conversation, "You'll understand some things better someday when you become a Mommy yourself."

 

Soooo.... I don't know, like I said I'd say that my family and I have done great strides in getting better, in growing up a bit, and we pay more attention now to reality and what is really said/what has been said, even if... apparently some of us still struggle with it from time to time.

 

Nevertheless.... just what is it about reality and some tendencies (including the way other people are, and what they are really saying) that makes people so unhappy or so uncomfortable, or so willfully (or subconsciously) oblivious to the point where they will ignore/not see what is right in front of them, or what is being said?

 

And what is it about reality where... if people finally wake up and start seeing it for what it is, it leaves them more unhappy and bitter (sometimes lost and confused) than they were in the first place?

[Ronni_W]

Selective hearing, and denying, ignoring or pretending away what doesn't fit with your own agenda, world view or mental paradigm.

People don't like to expand and go out of their mental boxes and emotional 'comfort zones'.

They're afraid that they're going to have to admit that they made mistakes in the past, or believed in untruth or unreality/fiction or fantasy.

 

People can only understand and interpret to the current level of consciousness that they've attained or to the level of their intellectual, emotional and spiritual knowledge/paradigm.

There's no particular value in getting frustrated or upset or impatient just because people are where they are, in these areas.

[Tanyasinclair]

Honestly, I'm not really sure why I get so hung up on this kind of thing, especially since I know that getting upset only wastes energy and it doesn't change anything. :/ I think part of this is because sometimes I do have way too much time to overthink, and I'm used to overthinking/overanalyzing.

 

But... I guess for some reason, I also just consider it a... threat, or something where I'm being slighted personally, if other people aren't on the same wavelength as I or... if I've learned or noticed something that they haven't, I get frustrated or take it personally, especially if it is someone older, because I'm left thinking "This person should definitely be smart/aware enough to know better."

 

...And I'm just talking about this stuff here so that I can get any whinyness/growling/etc out of my system in order to discuss it constructively and hopefully be able to determine more of why I'm doing it and maybe lessen the habit in the future. :/

 

I have been told that I am a bit of a snob, which I won't deny, and... if I'm portraying myself that way then I can't deny it. I guess... I just have this way where... if specific individuals aren't willing to conform themselves to a mindset that I think is correct, or makes sense to me, I feel threatened.

 

Though... in a lot of ways, I'm not really the type who goes out of my way to try to push my views onto others or change others, either. I just get highly frustrated, but I am also very non-confrontational.

 

I think the areas where my buttons have been pushed the most mainly have to do with individuals who have either A: Been a significant part of my life and personal business for any reason, and/or B: Have asserted themselves and their views onto me in some manner, somehow implying that they know better than I do how i need to change or live my own life.... even if I asked for it in some manner in the first place.

 

I.... don't really know what my problem is or why I do this. Maybe part of me feels that I should have some kind of right or say-so to change others, especially since I had people telling me a lot of my life what kind of personality I should have, what I should think, and even what my likes and dislikes should and shouldn't be. Maybe on some subconscious level, it really feels like it should be MY turn now to try and warp/mold the world and reality to my will, even if that is unrealistic and would never work.

 

I also just seem to be oversensitive and easily threatened whenever someone, anyone, (especially specific personalities who have been heavily involved with me or my personal business in some fashion) start to tell me that I *need* to do this or that I *need* to change this, and I take it very personally that they don't even try to step back and consider first that they aren't considering all of the facets or why I might hesitate instead of jumping right in and doing this or that.

 

Annnd...I know this is stuff that I just need to work on. I think maybe part of this could also go back to the fact that I just.... don't like people and I don't get along with humans. :/ I've also had severe problems with sticking it out with very incompatible personalities and mindsets for far, far longer than I should have, because I just couldn't give up on the notion that SOMEDAY this person will change to be what I wanted or needed, just because I was so attached to them and they had been around for so long.

[Ronni_W]

Honestly, I'm not really sure why I get so hung up on this kind of thing, especially since I know that getting upset only wastes energy and it doesn't change anything. :/ I think part of this is because sometimes I do have way too much time to overthink, and I'm used to overthinking/overanalyzing.

 

But... I guess for some reason, I also just consider it a... threat, or something where I'm being slighted personally, if other people aren't on the same wavelength as I or... if I've learned or noticed something that they haven't, I get frustrated or take it personally,

The thing is, Tanyasinclair, that you've got great insight into yourself...but you're not using it in the way that's intended, which is for you to grow and expand yourself out of what you already clearly recognize as your own lesser-lower traits and characteristics.

 

There isn't any problem with anybody else. They are simply exercising their free will, which is the most important thing that they can do to facilitate their own growth, which they have to do according to the schedule of their own Karma and Divine Plan, into which, of course, you do not have any insight. (So, in truth and reality, you have no realistic or truthful basis upon which to think, believe or assert that they 'should' know better or do better. You simply cannot know this.)

[preraph]

I completely understand what you're saying. I too find this type of thing very annoying like what your mom and dad sometimes do. I have a sister who doesn't listen. She has a terrible time deciding what to give me for birthday and Christmas, even though I tell her all the time things I need or want. I have actually given her a short list before, and then a couple days later she'll say "I have no idea what to get you for Christmas." It's crazy!!!

 

Anyway, you have both your role models doing this behavior with you. So it's no wonder you have picked up doing the same thing.

 

As far as the having kids goes, some moms just can't fathom that it's even a choice not to have kids. I am 64 and I never had kids, and always knew I didn't want them, though if I'd had some money I might have taken on a misunderstood teen who needed help or something like that as I have empathy for troubled teens. Some of them. Anyway, your mom had her life to live as she wanted and choose what to do and made her choices. This life is yours to choose what to do and make your own choices. She doesn't get to choose for you just because you burst screaming from her loins. So you don't let anyone else choose your path in this one life here on earth.

 

Now that you know you're choosing to not listen to warning signs, you will be more careful to in the future. When a man tells you he's not good enough for you, believe him. When someone is overly possessive or jealous, realize that's not lovesickness but just anything ranging from insecurity to control issues that can get dangerous. If a man seems to always be keeping things vague and you never feel like he's open and transparent, he's cheating. If someone hurts animals, they are crap people all the way around.

 

Just don't ignore red flags and don't stay after you know about something like that. Good luck.

[Tanyasinclair]

I know I'm reviving a thread here that has kinda gone by the way-side, but I wasn't sure where else to put this thought, and I figured I should try to put it in one of my already-existing threads than start another on impulse. ^^;

 

There is something that irritates the daylights out of me, something that has always bothered me, except.... I am TRYING to teach myself not to dwell on it, not to let it bug me so much, because really.... there isn't much that I can do in this kind of thing, and getting upset would only make it worse anyway.

 

There are some cases, I guess, where... I find it really difficult to live and let live, in a manner of speaking. I mean, I also know that this is hypocritical of me, considering I prefer it if those around me just live and let live and keep their opinions to themselves (and otherwise just accept me as I am) unless I go seeking advice or whatnot.... but even then I've found that sometimes you're looking for trouble if you're trying to figure stuff out and looking to change, because somebody well-intentioned out there will always have SOMETHING to say about *precisely* how you need to change and what you need to do with your life.... even if it's not right for you. Then apparently, if their advice doesn't work for you, it's somehow your own fault that you didn't make it work.

 

The thing is though...

 

Well.... I know that I need to be very careful in this area, because if I'm not careful I could end up just as rigid and thinking I'm right about certain things without considering that maybe it just doesn't work for this person or that person just because it's right for me.

 

But the thing is...

 

There are cases where you really do feel like you have observed cases in other people, sometimes people you really care about, who don't seem to learn from their mistakes and keep making the same stupid choices over and over.

 

That's where the whole "problems perceiving reality" or whatever comes into the topic of this post. It's just the cases where sometimes people are just being foolish and hurting themselves, and it either seems like they just won't learn or they won't even listen to anybody who tries to tell them differently.

 

And if they would just listen to someone who DOES truly know better, and already has experience in this kind of thing, wouldn't that mean they would be much better off?

 

Though I guess this is also where it gets into a bit of a paradox, because... in many cases, (especially when it comes to stubborn/strong-willed people) if you were simply to blindly take the word of someone else without trying it yourself, you won't have the opportunity to learn exactly why they advised against this or that. Mike warns his five-year-old daughter not to touch the hot barbecue several times, she still insists on doing so, she gets a mild burn, and learns never to do that again.

 

But apparently... there are different kinds of getting burned that some people seem to go back to, over and over? For some reason, (and I'm guilty of this too) it seems like some individuals continuously go out of their way to seek out toxicity or go to people for friendship/companionship who aren't good for them or end up using them.

 

Kinda like in a case a friend told me once, about how someone she knew had gone out with four completely different guys over a span of time, and in each case each one lied, cheated, and did other terrible things, (and none of them worked out, of course) but in each case she apparently would have insisted that each of them were great guys.

 

So... I guess I'm just puzzling over this, and maybe someone can offer me some perspective and insight, but....

 

It's just.... why do human beings sometimes keep making the same foolish mistakes over and over, especially when it comes to other human beings, allowing themselves to get hurt over and over instead of listening to others who see what they are apparently too blind to see?

 

And... why can't some life-lessons (especially those involving people, friendships, relationships, etc) be as simple as "I learned not to touch the hot barbecue because it was hot and I got burned"?

[Ronni_W]

There is something that irritates the daylights out of me,

Hi, Tanyasinclair.

 

I started responding to this one...but...then it morphed into something rather more personal/direct than I'm comfortable posting the public forum. So...I've stashed that in a Word.doc for our later use, too. .

 

For now: allowing there to be anything 'that irritates the daylights out of' oneself, is actually a (quite huge) mistake in life. So, you would be far better off looking at this tendency/flaw within yourself, with the aim and goal of completely and permanently eliminating it from your own psyche and psychology, rather than keeping your focus on other people and what they are or are not being able to accomplish/fix in their own lives (their own psyches and psychology).

 

If this makes sense?

 

Ronni

[Tanyasinclair]

Yeah, it does.

 

And the only other thing I have to say for the moment is... I am looking forward to when I can PM you and I promise that I will the moment I am able. >.> I really do want to converse with you in that way and hear everything you have to say on these various subjects.

[Ronni_W]

I am looking forward to when I can PM you

In the meantime, here are the first questions that I'm for sure gonna ask:

 

1. What have you already been doing about stop focusing on any other people and start focusing only on yourself?

 

2. What tools, plan, techniques do you already have in place and have you already starting using?

 

3. What's been your experience with them, thus far? What have you found easy? Challenging?

 

This way, we'll each know that we're not wasting our time -- are you okay and on-board with setting this as a requirement/boundary up front? (If not, that is, of course, perfectly fine.)

 

Ronni

[Tanyasinclair]

In the meantime, here are the first questions that I'm for sure gonna ask:

 

1. What have you already been doing about stop focusing on any other people and start focusing only on yourself?

 

2. What tools, plan, techniques do you already have in place and have you already starting using?

 

3. What's been your experience with them, thus far? What have you found easy? Challenging?

 

This way, we'll each know that we're not wasting our time -- are you okay and on-board with setting this as a requirement/boundary up front? (If not, that is, of course, perfectly fine.)

 

Ronni

 

1: In a strange way.... well, this might sound kinda odd, but maybe in a weird twisted way I feel like I'm somehow being self-centered if I try to put all focus on myself. Or maybe that's just what I try to tell myself, I don't know.

 

Also, maybe I'm somewhat afraid that if I start ignoring the annoying tendencies in others, I will somehow become oblivious to it and that will somehow hurt me in some fashion. Or that it will sneak up on me in some fashion and hurt or effect me.

 

It just seems like I've had things happen over the years where it seems like I've kinda been the victim, or subject of, different people trying to step in and tell me how I should be, how I should think, in some cases to the point where... if they feel like they didn't succeed in programming me the first time, then they can later try again and forget the failed attempt.

 

So I don't know, maybe part of this is just... me feeling like it's my turn somehow. If I see something wrong, I should be able to go in and edit that part of the speech structure, the personalty, or... whatever. Or maybe, if it feels like someone has an incorrect personality or is not saying the right things, then someone NEEDS to step in and tell that person where they're wrong and reshape them. Part of this may have to do with the somewhat totalitarian attitude I grew up around where a structure is developed because one person says that things are THIS way, NOT that way, and the only way to push through or get your own way or your own thought process accepted instead is to be the one who yells louder and more aggressively until the other person finally accepts that they are not getting their way and, even if they don't accept it or agree with it, they back off.

 

2: (And kinda still on the subject of 1,) I've found that I do better when I at least try to just focus on my own routine. A big part of my problem seems to be that my brain likes to replay stuff that happened that I don't like over and over again anyway, including stuff from months or years ago, to the point where it's like a collection of annoying pop-ups.

 

The solutions I've been finding that kinda work are as follows:

 

For one thing, I sometimes hang out with a buddy who I have never had any issues with whatsoever (our friendship has never been perfect, but we have a very healthy dynamic and it has never been toxic). We simply interact in a fun way. If he happens to be around and wants to hang out, we hang out, and we always keep everything fun and casual. If he doesn't have time or if each of us want to do other things, we sometimes spend days or weeks not talking. I just don't really think about it much, and I know he'll be around whenever.

 

For another thing, I try to focus on the things I can do that I have been putting off. Oh, my family would really like it if I made home-made fries tonight because we have plenty of potatoes and they love my fries, and it would be a nice thing for them to come home to! Some days, it's very tempted to just wallow in depression or sit around thinking about how I dislike what that person said, or what that person might be doing right now instead of what I would want them to be doing, but.... if I focus on the cooking, or maybe cleaning up the kitchen a bit, I can actually get something constructive done instead of wasting away, I guess.

 

Or in some cases, watching things on Netflix or Youtube can help, because it can keep my attention elsewhere, and I'm trying to retrain myself to keep my brain in a positive, or at least DIFFERENT direction, instead of going back and thinking about how I want nothing more than to go and edit or fix other people.

 

I feel like I am making some slow progress in... well, not obsessing over certain things quite as intensely or as often. If it was as bad as it was a few months ago, I probably would've been posting non-stop on this board to the point of getting suspended or banned. I just feel like I still have flare-ups, and some issues I'm having trouble letting go of.

 

I can't help but wonder if part of this could be a subconscious control thing. Maybe part of me is really angry because I kinda.... it felt like I "had" some people, and instead of doing what I wanted or continuing to interact with me in the way they had before (or the way I wanted), they had to change, say things I didn't like, and/or become people I didn't know how to deal with anymore.

 

Or maybe some of this does go back to deeply rooted habits where sometimes it felt like the only way to get anywhere in some cases is go bark and bite, establish dominance in your territory, and either back off if you get out-dominated (and hope that day will come when you can bite back or change that person) or drive off others unless they're willing to submit.

 

I... don't know, maybe I sound ridiculous here, but... yeah. I feel I am making progress somehow :/ I just feel like I'm trying to work through the garbage in my brain, get it sorted out, air it out, talk it out, and then try to get on with my life.

 

It could be that I've had way too much free time over the last few years to overthink/overanalyze everything waaaaay too much, and that's part of the reason why things keep getting dredged up, and... maybe it gives me a sense of empowerment to think that I know what will make a perfect world, and that if this person or that person would just FIX this, change that, and possibly even apologize for themselves more if they are toxic or if I feel they did wrong, this would be a very ideal world.

 

Buuuut.... I also know that that sort of thing easily turns into the kind of thing where I could start acting like I'm holier-than-thou and I know best what everybody else needs to do while changing little or nothing about myself....

 

I guess I also just have a hard time accepting some stuff that has happened, that got said, and moving on from it, because it didn't happen my way or others won't agree with me that it should have gone my way instead (even though they certainly do NOT have to agree with me, because they have their own minds and their own right to disagree. ^^; )

 

Anyway.... I hope that answers your questions somehow, Ronni, and... please know i am trying.

 

And I also hope that doesn't sound like I've wasted your time, because I still want to hear what you have to say when we are able to PM each other. (Which should be in about 7ish days or so, I think)