Why Monogamy Fails Miserably in the Real World

[KSPCM2000]

Monogomy fails for good reason....

 

If you ever spend any time on a free dating site like OKC or POF you may understand what I'm talking about.

 

Just read profiles of the majority of women on any of these sites (I target women between 25-55) and it is very obvious the common thread between a good portion of super frustrated women is they can't find that "ONE" guy. Problem is there is NO one guy or ONE woman....

Edited January 18, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
prohibited link removed ~T

[KSPCM2000]

Why Monogamy Fails Miserably in the Real World (article)

 

Monogamy fails for good reason....

 

If you ever spend any time on a free dating site like OKC or POF you may understand what I'm talking about.

 

Just read profiles of the majority of women on any of these sites (I target women between 25-55) and it is very obvious the common thread between a good portion of super frustrated women is they can't find that "ONE" guy. Problem is there is NO one guy or ONE woman....

 

"If monogamy was truly natural it would require NO commitment..."

Obviously, nailing down that perfect monogamous relationship is not happening for them because I see the same women's profiles for YEARS posted through these sites. Years!! I mean seriously...

 

Especially the women past 30, I "sense" or they "state" pretty strongly, they have been through the ringer of multiple failed monogamous relationships. They don't want games, they don't want a guy that just wants sex, they want someone to take them on big event dates, they want to travel, basically they want compliance on so many levels.

 

So why does monogamy fail in just about all these cases?

 

Most people just dont't get it. Biology TRUMPS societal programming, but MOST fail to accept the brutal truth...lol

 

Monogamy is normal but far from NATURAL, and virtually doesn't exist in the animal world anywhere.

 

Yes, we are animals in the sense that "attraction and sex drive" are ruled by the reptilian, not the logical part of our brains.

 

Men and women are not biologically wired for monogamy, yet everyone in our life circle, friends, family and the media included ram it "down our throat" that the recipe for happiness is the Disney fantasy of "finding that ONE perfect prince or queen" and all the "happily ever after" BS.

 

Listen up...true attraction is based on "secure attachment". That basically means you are magnetically drawn to a "person" male or female, purely a law of nature. You crave to be with that person for no other reason than a biological attraction.

 

If monogomy was rooted and defined by ongoing, long-term, secure attachment, there would never be cheating or divorce.

 

99% of monogamous relationships end up following anxious or avoidant attachment, which is extremely unnatural when you think about a 30-40-50-year marriage.

 

If monogamy was truly natural it would require NO commitment, or will power to stay together. It would always be natural to want your partner like you did when you first met.

 

A contract for two people to stay together is ridiculously unnatural. Unfortunately, false societal programming trumps biological programming and sets up unnatural rules that fight laws of nature, for guys it means putting your balls in a box and handing them over to a woman you hope to be attracted to forever!

 

So, that's actually why monogamy is way more complex, than non-monogamy. Trying to override the reptilian part of the brain is a losing battle, yet 99% of us rationalize or compromise, not knowing the long term effects on our health and happiness. But not me...lol

Edited January 19, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Accentuate article

[lana-banana]

So monogamy fails because...Women have the power to choose their partners? That is about as cogent analysis as I'd expect from an essay that ends sentences with "lol".

[KSPCM2000]

If monogamy was truly natural it would require NO commitment, or will power to stay together. Sorry if you don't agree, women or men have the power to choose or dismiss partners, I do all the time...

[KSPCM2000]

No not at all, have no idea how you came up with that...go back to the root, biological VS Societal programming ...you don't have to agree, but most beta males defend monogamy ...simply because they are stuck in it...

[Cookiesandough]

Monogamy is actual a marker of modernized, industrial societies. There are plenty of pros to monogamy - lowers chances of STDs, conservation of resources(including time & energy), feeling 'special' to an individual person, etc.

It preferable to many people or they wouldn't do it. Maybe monogamy fails miserably for you.

[KSPCM2000]

It fails miserably for millions, but my point isn't to change anyone. STD's? no issue... If you are an irresponsible adult engaging in unsafe sex, you are just an idiot, there is plenty of protection out there. Feeling special to someone? You can do that quite easliy in a non-monogamous "pair bonded" arrangement, in fact special to "many" is a pretty good feeling, I am living proof. Conservation of time and energy? How someone spends there time is there own business. Bottom line is happiness level, I wake up daily at about 8-9 on a 10 scale, get all the sex i want, and have ZERO drama from women.

[GunslingerRoland]

I look at monogamy the way I look at democracy. It may not be perfect or natural, but it's better than the alternatives.

[l8estnews]

So... what's your goal for posting this? To pick a fight?

[Arieswoman]

KSPCM2000,

I get really fed up with these "lets-bash-monogamy threads".

 

Newsflash - monogamy isn't compulsory.

If you don't like the idea of monogamy then don't sign up for it.

 

Nowadays there are so many alternative lifestyles that are available to people, that monogamy doesn't have to be the relationship of choice.

 

All that I ask is that if you don't want a monogamous, committed relationship then make that clear to your significant other. Find someone who wants an "open" relationship and away you go.

[BlueIris]

KSPCM2000,

I get really fed up with these "lets-bash-monogamy threads".

 

Newsflash - monogamy isn't compulsory.

If you don't like the idea of monogamy then don't sign up for it.

 

Nowadays there are so many alternative lifestyles that are available to people, that monogamy doesn't have to be the relationship of choice.

 

All that I ask is that if you don't want a monogamous, committed relationship then make that clear to your significant other. Find someone who wants an "open" relationship and away you go.

 

Exactly. Be honest and you won't have a problem.

[mightycpa]

Does serial monogamy count as failure?

[Larryville]

Me, frankly I love monogamy. But more honestly I don’t have the money, time or mental energy to engage in anything else.

 

Being with ONE good, honest, open, intellectually stimulating, sexy, engaged, confident woman is awesome.

 

However I fundamentally know it’s not for everybody.

 

If it does not work for you or you have never discovered it I feel sorry for those folks.

[William]

Folks, it appears one of our moderators caught a link that didn't meet our guidelines so we redacted that and, since the discussion of the article content already began, we've left it and removed the link. I highlighted the text of the article and wish to remind folks that we're discussing the article, not the thread starter's relationships, since no relationship content was brought or advice sought in the topic starting post. However, the way it was presented could have confused members so we'll let that go up to now.

 

Thanks and please continue!

[Mrlonelyone]

The way to know what is natural is to look at the nature of the animals that are most closely related to humans. The other great apes don't practice monogamy. One male, one female, mated for life.

 

Our closest relatives Chimps and bonnobo's do not do monogamy. Chimps have dominant males and dominant females where the dominant male chimp has first pick of all the females but dose not monopolize all of them either. Bonnobo's, our very closest genetic relatives have free love. Everyone has sexual contact of some kind with everyone else at some point. No one is left out. They do it instead of fighting.

 

So it seems most natural for humans to either have one male dominant the others but not monopolize all the women or free love.

[elaine567]

Humans as an intelligent species worked out that the family unit with one male and one female, with each male having the chance at having a woman and a family, solves a lot of problems in a peaceful civilised society.

It obviates the fighting and territorial issues that would dog a society where only the fittest, the strongest, the richest ,the most powerful males get all the females and all other males are essentially redundant or are perpetually fighting either for the right to have sex or due to sexual frustration.

 

Henrich, Boyd, and Richerson go on to summarize the civilizing benefits of monogamy:

1. The pool of unattached men is reduced

so

that they do not form a potentially disruptive residue in society.

2. Crime is reduced since most crimes are committed by unmarried males. (In addition, longitudinal studies show that fewer crimes are committed by the same men when they marry.)

3. Political coups and factional fighting become less common because there are fewer single men willing to enlist in rebel armies.

4. Society becomes more productive because men work more when they are married.

5. Children do better because men invest in them instead of using their resources to obtain more wives.

6. Spousal relations improve because men and women are more dedicated to each other instead of merely entering an economic/ reproductive relationship.

7. Child marriages disappear and the age gap between husbands and wives narrows. There is reduced inequality between men and women and spousal abuse declines.

8. Young women are no longer hoarded and sequestered by their families in order to protect the value of the brideprice. Marriages become elective and more stable.

 

What Are the Advantages of Monogamy?Tough Questions Answered | Tough Questions Answered

 

[Arieswoman]

Just for interest;

 

Animals That Mate for Life - See Who Made the List

[SoleMate]

Please be clear. What's the underlying premise....that every behavior pattern typical of chimps and bonobos should also be adopted by humans? Like eating feces?

Infanticide? https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2007/05/070514121651.htm Attack monkeys and eat them raw and even live?

Sleep in trees? Chimpanzees Make Beds That Offer Them Best Night's Sleep Etc. These things are fully natural, typical and routine for chimps.

 

I myself prefer to acknowledge and take advantage of the many changes that have occurred over the last 7 million years to differentiate Homo sapiens from Pan troglodytes and Pan paniscus: language, use of fire, use of cooking, symbolism, clothing, sophisticated tools, agriculture, building of semi-permanent or permanent shelters, comfortable fluffy beds, use of learned and acquired culture as opposed to sheer determinism by anatomy and neurophysiology etc. Part of the package is development of monogamy as a central part of an effective reproductive strategy https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2010/03/100302112018.htm. The use of culture means members of our species have choices as to how they exercise they biologic urges for feeding, nesting, mating and what have you.

Edited January 20, 2017 by SoleMate
link

[central]

Monogamy isn't a perfect concept, and many people obviously have a great deal of difficulty living the precepts. Still, it has many advantages, as elaine567 listed. So, it is something to strive for. Since society is now much fairer and stable because of the benefits of monogamy (and of education, women working, birth control, etc.), some people can now practice ethical non-monogamy without upsetting the applecart of civilization. I even think that various forms of non-monogamy will become more common and accepted, but monogamy will always be the primary relationship model for a significant majority.

[CaliforniaGirl]

Honestly, I feel that although humans probably do like to pair up at least temporarily from a natural standpoint, the idea that all or most of us desire just one person in this way, and permanently, is where we fall down.

 

That latter obviously IS cultural, and was/is meant to prevent issues (such as paternity, inheritance, caretaking, responsibility, etc.), but as we all know, for as many problems as it *can* waylay, that's how many issues seem to crop up in rebellion of the state (monogamy, specifically in marriage, I'm assuming, for the purposes of this discussion).

 

I have been married twice. I am currently married (to my second husband). We have been married for almost 15 years. But I have never felt I "do this right" and although I have not cheated or anything like that, I just don't think I was "built" for monogamy. It has been excruciating for me at times to try to keep up the same relationship continuously in this way. I just don't think ALL people (or perhaps even most people...this is hard to quantify, though) "naturally" are "good at" or even perhaps deep down desire monogamy.

 

It's a question that has plagued the ages...we're not the first folks to have wondered whether monogamy is natural or even appropriate. Even thousands of years ago philosophers argued the question.

[Weezy1973]

If we're talking about natural tendencies for humans, or any species, the key word is variability. Which is only to say, some people will be more naturally monogamous than others, and in general most people would consider humans to be semi-monogamous.

 

That being said, the fact that most of us fall in love with one person (at a time) and have experienced jealousy, and also think cheating on a monogamous relationship is inherently wrong and more often than not a reason to end that relationship, suggests that most of us actually are naturally monogamous. Or else we wouldn't feel those things.

 

And that being said, what is actually really unnatural is our extended life span. And that's what has caused the new normal, which is serial monogamy.

[NuevoYorko]

Well, first of all, that article is very silly. If I put that aside, may I ask what you are proposing as a viable alternative to monogamy?

[Redhead14]

Monogamy fails because people fail to embrace the meaning of the word Commitment and immediate gratification runs rampant in society nowadays . . .

[CaliforniaGirl]

If we're talking about natural tendencies for humans, or any species, the key word is variability. Which is only to say, some people will be more naturally monogamous than others, and in general most people would consider humans to be semi-monogamous.

 

That being said, the fact that most of us fall in love with one person (at a time) and have experienced jealousy, and also think cheating on a monogamous relationship is inherently wrong and more often than not a reason to end that relationship, suggests that most of us actually are naturally monogamous. Or else we wouldn't feel those things.

 

And that being said, what is actually really unnatural is our extended life span. And that's what has caused the new normal, which is serial monogamy.

 

What an interesting take. I'd never have thought of that.

[CaliforniaGirl]

Monogamy fails because people fail to embrace the meaning of the word Commitment and immediate gratification runs rampant in society nowadays . . .

 

Except that it's not "nowadays"...infidelity has been a problem since at the very least, the dawn of written history, where laws obviously designed to punish non-compliance exist.

 

It's almost certain issues with monogamy existed prior to that point, but that's tougher to pinpoint archaeologically without written evidence.

 

People were quieter and sneakier in days gone by but obviously not quiet or sneaky enough, because it has ALWAYS been a struggle to keep people "on the straight and narrow" with non-cheating marital relationships, even during times and in cultures where literally a fear of celestial punishment for such acts existed, in a literal-belief way; and even when horrific punishments, up to and including mutilation, ostracization and/or death, existed.