Relationship Lessons I have learned in Loveshack

[l8estnews]

After reading so many situations, true to life stories, and other relationship drama here in LS and other sites, I decided to share some of the things that I have realized in terms of relationship. Feel free to correct me, share your views and opinions about it and also add your own in this thread. I have just talked to a friend of mine who is contemplating annulment so I am bursting with emotions right now.

1.) Marriage is not a milestone, it is a commitment.

People nowadays see Marriage as a milestone. “I need to get married by the age of 28” or “I plan to marry at 35” etc. etc. Lurking here in LS for quite some time now, I realized how WRONG this kind of thinking can be. Marriage is committing yourself to someone as their life partner. By doing this commandment, you are tying yourself to someone to be their support emotionally, spiritually and physically for the rest of your life. This person must be someone who will be there for you for better or for worse. Not your other half, but your partner your person, your confidante, the person whom you trust in everything. Thinking about it now, before marrying someone, a person must really be sure that his/her marriage partner can fulfill these tasks. These are very daunting tasks, very hard even. Therefore, one must really choose wisely before marrying someone as these expectations should not be taken lightly.

 

Alas, people see marriage as just tying with someone they “love.” The person who gives them butterflies in the stomach, gives them the euphoria blah blah without even realizing that this “infatuation” feeling will be gone eventually. I am not saying that you shouldn’t marry for love. I think with the difficult tasks I have described above, only a person who really loves you can do those things for you. But one needs to be able to distinguish love (infatuation) from Love. Love (with capital L) is when you care for a person regardless of your happiness, your well-being and your selfish desires. Love is when his/her happiness is your happiness. Love is when you will still choose that person regardless if he/she became sick, unattractive, weight issues, and stuff. Your love with someone should be unconditional before marrying.

 

 

 

2.) Love Yourself.

 

One of the reasons people get hurt is because they love, without loving themselves first. They think that by giving love to others alone, that love will go back to them and that love will fill the void they have in their hearts and all the inadequacies they feel to themselves will be washed away by the validation that it brings to us. That kind of love is not unconditional, it is parasitic. You only love because you want to feel loved, and without the love of that person, you feel empty, alone, not enough. Don’t get me wrong, any sane people wants to be loved, too. It is one of the best feelings in the world (if not the best of the best.) But don’t depend your whole life solely from someone else’s love. In order to feel happy, content and validated, people need love. But people mistakenly thinks that the love we need to survive should only come externally. If only people will only realize that if we love ourselves as well, that love alone can make us happy and content too. We will survive and can be happy if we have enough love to ourselves. Imagine that kind of love coupled with the love of your family or a special someone, true love will be abundant to your life!! Isn’t that wonderful? Heavenly even? 

 

3.) Never Settle.

 

“But I love him/her…” is the usual response of people when being advised to leave a toxic and abusive relationship. This is a perfect example of my point in #2. They cannot go on in life because they are so dependent on the “love” of the person, that they will choose to be abused, be a doormat, or receive breadcrumbs. These kinds of people don’t have enough love for themselves, and doesn’t know what other things life can offer that will give them a very fulfilling life. You don’t “learn” to walk away, you just need courage to do so.

 

4.) Heart and Mind works separately.

 

There is a reason why the heart feels, and the mind thinks and never together. I really hate the saying “Follow your heart” as this caused a lot of stupid actions that is very notable historically. I mean, there are times when it is good to follow your heart, but you also need to consult your sane mind if it’s the right action. You were given both, why only consult one? Such a waste of resources don’t you think?

 

 

5.) Choose your battles wisely.

 

Know when it is still worth the fight. Sometimes, giving up is not a weak move but a wise one. If your husband/wife has been cheating or has someone else for YEARS other than you, why on earth do you think that it can still be salvaged just because you found out? You learning the situation doesn’t change the feelings that grew between your SO and the OM/OW, it is not a wake-up call for them, it is just it, you found out, and there’s a very high chance that they will still continue their romance behind your back. And I don’t think I can sleep beside someone who is there with me physically but dreaming or thinking about someone else, anyway. That’s not just sad, it’s tragic. And no sane person will choose tragedy over their lives.

6.) Kids ARE affected by infidelity.

 

I don’t know why people think this is the case. Can’t you even remember your childhood days? How perceptive you are? How clingy you can be with your parents? How you adore your father/mother? How you think about them being there when you are scared? Imagine that when you are in that kind of dependency towards your parents and you found out that your father will move to another house, have kids or become the father of the other woman’s kids…. Won’t you feel betrayed? Won’t you feel replaced? Won’t you feel that you aren’t your father’s priority anymore?

 

7.) Never be Financially dependent.

 

This opinion of mine might become unpopular, but for me, it is necessary to be put out there. Ideally, marriage is a partnership. Some couples both work for a living, some choose to be SAHM/SAHF, which is one of the most fulfilling careers ever. But, if you choose this path, just make sure you are very aware of the possibilities and risks. In this day and age, where 50% of marriages fail, I don’t think it is bad to always have a back-up plan. For me, I will not put myself in a situation where my choices will be limited, just because of financial reasons. It’s one of the most claustrophobic situations I can think of. I’d be better trapped in an elevator than to be trapped with someone just because I can’t afford to live alone. SAHM/SAHF one of the most fulfilling careers out there, and it is still is. All I am saying is that just make sure that you cover all bases, and all options will be available to you just in case.

[mikeylo]

The most important thing left after all this knowledge is , to find a person in real life who shares similar beliefs. In today's times , That is very difficult. If you find one , bend over backwards to keep.

[thecrucible]

I've learned better emotional self-regulation when it comes to challenging situations in dating and I hope I continue to be more assertive and take more control of my dating life. I've also come to a strong realisation about the importance of having shared values for relationship success. Part of the reason I've been single for so long now is because I haven't found a guy who embodies this for me. It sucks but I know it would hurt more if I dated someone not suitable just to pass the time. So I must be persistent in my pursuit of the right person for me.

[carhill]

Billions more to be served. Tear down that pedestal.

[Gloria25]

I've learned coming to LS that the future is bleak...

 

- The worthless people you have to pick from is just growing at alarming rates.

 

- I also learned that dating and simply getting to know people isn't fun anymore.

 

- And, I am pessimistic about ever meeting a decent guy out there.

[umirano]

Hey Gloria, don't give up :-) why isn't dating fun anymore?

 

Maybe you are looking in the wrong demographic? Work, age, etc.?

[salparadise]

I've learned that the range of human thought, feeling, perspective and behavior is broader than I even imagined... and even though I consider myself to be middle of the road, it's a rare that a person will see most things the same way (confirmed by life experience during the same time period, post divorce).

 

Everyone is working so hard to find real connection, while sabotaging opportunities one after another... because we play it safe and adopt the strategy of not allowing ourselves to be vulnerable. Keep it superficial and always have a handy-dandy issue to use as a vulnerability shield.

 

Never reveal that soft inner core because as soon as you do they'll leave you and confirm your greatest fear. Nearly all of us have this issue to some degree. Dealing with feelings of unworthiness opens the door to possibility. Courage is not the lack of fear... it's feeling it, acknowledging it, and breaking through.

 

There are no guarantees. You have to take the big risk to find great love. Most of us are limiting ourselves to possibilities that come with a guarantee.

[cocorico]

I learned that people online are far more judgmental than people IRL.

 

I learned that people begrudge other people's happiness, especially if their own outcomes aren't as good.

 

I learned that many people worship their kids, and neglect their partners in favour of their indulged kids, and are surprised when their partners feel neglected and seek intimacy elsewhere.

 

I learned that many people regard the death of passion in a R over time as "natural", and value other things (usually material) more.

 

I learned that tribal mentality (BS, OW, etc) is strong, but there are rare gems that rise above labels and respond to individuals as people, beyond labels.

 

I learned that dating is as terrifying as I suspected (never done it).

 

I learned that divorce is still taboo in some places.

 

I learned that most Americans drive "trucks" (though those might not be what I understand by the term - huge pantechnicons / HGVs) and that many use these as venues to conduct their relationships.

 

I learned that some people are so desperate not to get dumped that they will put up with anything in a R, but will deny that.

 

I learned that women stereotypically forgive sexual but not emotional infidelity, while men stereotypically forgivememotional but not sexual fidelity, and that outliers are regarded as freaks.

 

I learned that many people wish infidelity was still a crime - and that some would like to see the reintroduction of stoning as its punishment.

 

I learned that some people find different views so threatening that they will stalk others online, or offline, and seek to ruin their lives.

 

I learned that relationships can truly recover from infidelity under certain conditions - but few ever stop glancing over their shoulder.

 

I learned that compatibility is precious, that great Rs are few, and that passion and intimacy are worth celebrating every day, because so many Rs lack those.

 

I learned just how lucky I am.

[GunslingerRoland]

6.) Kids ARE affected by infidelity.[/b]

 

I don’t know why people think this is the case. Can’t you even remember your childhood days?

 

I think a lot of people think like this with children... oh they won't remember it anyway so it doesn't matter. I've had people tell me they won't take their children on vacation because there is no point if they won't remember it... (ignoring the fact that the child will have fun and it'll be a positive bonding experience). Similarly with negative stuff, it doesn't matter if your child is sad over a divorce, they won't remember it.

 

But the lack of concrete memories of our childhoods doesn't keep it from being what defines more of how we are as an adult than anything that happens in the times we can remember.

[PrettyEmily77]

No need to rush into anything

 

Trust yourself enough to rely on your instincts

 

It's ok to open up occasionally

 

What people do is more important than what they say

 

People find it easier to cast blame than to look inside, especially if it means admitting to your own flaws

 

Interactions online seem more polarised and judgemental, less kind and less patient

 

There still are good, kind people around

 

Family is everything