How to stop obsessing over texts

[TooRational]

Hi,

 

I had issues with texting while I was with my ex and now I have the same issue with a woman I'm pursuing. Basically I have lots of anxiety while I wait for a reply from my texts, if the reply is not immediate. I have problems with the "sometimes real-time, sometimes not" aspect of texting.

 

I start over-analyzing all the reasons for why there's a delay in the reply. Is this intentional? Did she have more pressing things to do? Is her phone simply not around? Did I offend her with my last text? All very unhealthy thoughts. This problem is compounded by the fact that Messenger shows you the last time the person was active. So if it says "Active Now" and I don't get any reply, my anxiety gets worse.

 

How can I just chill and let it go? I'm guessing that this is probably just a symptom of a deeper underlying problem. Lack of self-confidence, neediness possibly.

 

Any actionable tips on how to improve on that?

[Philosoraptor]

I think everyone gets a little antsy and excited when a relationship is just starting to bloom.

 

It would be best to just set it and forget it. Find something else to do, and don't worry about a response until you hear your messenger ding. For all you know they could have quickly read it at a red light. Don't want them texting back while driving do we?

 

Instead of worrying about when you might get a response, you should be doing something that brings you happiness. Find some hobbies, and do the things you enjoy. The only way to avoid feeling needy and uneasy is to focus on your own growth and happiness. This is the soil in which self confidence will grow.

[TooRational]

At the moment I'm at work so not exactly the kind of thing that brings me the most happiness but I see your point.

 

For the past 6 months I've been doing lots of new activities to bring more happiness in my life and it has worked wonders. As a result, I was hoping to be better with the texting anxiety than 6 months ago but apparently not. But yes, I guess being a little antsy is normal at this stage.

 

I think assuming the best is what I should do. Like assuming as you suggest that perhaps she's driving and then super busy at work so doesn't have time to reply.

 

But I'd like to not even have to think about that and just let it go completely. I'm able to do that when I send an e-mail, I have no anxiety about the length of time it takes for a reply. Why can't I do the same with texting?

[VeveCakes]

My therapist suggested multi dating for people like you (and me). Basically when you are talking to a few people at the same time, the anixety goes wayyyy down as you are not putting all the pressure on one person.

 

I will guess you are anxious attachment style. Check out the book Attached, it has a lot of suggestions on how to deal with this feeling and avoid people who trigger your anxiety.

[TooRational]

Yep, I have the anxious attachment style and I read the book, thanks for the good suggestion I might have the read it again.

 

I'm just starting to get interested in dating again and I'll try to use the book suggestions on how to identify (and avoid) avoidant woman. I seem to be attracted to strong and confident woman but unfortunately, these are also traits of some (not all) avoidant women.

 

As for the texting anxiety, I managed to quiet it down (temporarily) this morning by simply assuming that she doesn't have Messenger on her phone. This might be the case for all I know.

 

This woman is actually away for business for a month. I could make it easier on me by simply not texting her at all for that whole month. But we met the day before her departure and had a great time, so I kinda wanna keep some (light) communication going.

[Bee4Shine]

Can I make a suggestion? When I encounter something in my life that causes an unwanted emotion, or anxiety or maybe a "codependent" tendency, it is my practice to take that out of my life for a period of time and cope without it. It gives me the opportunity to evaluate myself as well as it's positive or negative impact on me. You don't have to eliminate it forever, just for a period of time so that you can have a "healthy" relationship with that thing. In your case I am suggesting stop texting. Call her. Meet her. Anything but text, just for a while. Especially since the relationship is new. 60% of communication is non-verbal. When she doesn't text you right back, you are making up that 60%. It could have been that her phone died, she is in a meeting, she is driving (thank God that she did not pick up the phone) etc. So to really eliminate your over-analyzing, just call her. Or wait till you meet. Let texting be for convenience "See you in 10." or "Heading home." Rather than for true communication. You may not have a self-confidence issue at all, nor be needy. You might just be lacking the 60% that we all need to really understand.

[TooRational]

Yes, good point. This would have been very effective I think with my previous relationship. I should have stopped texting for a while.

 

In this case it's a little more complicated. Texting is nice because it's a more lightweight kind of communication and I'm trying to stay casual at this point and not come on too strongly. I mean we only spent a few hours skiing together, not even an official date or anything. A phone call at this point seems too much. Then again, a case could be made that a phone call would clearly show that I'm quite interested in her and could work in my favor, I don't know.

 

Anyway, thank you all for advice. I've been over-analyzing this too much again and I'll just chill until she replies for now

[DrReplyInRhymes]

Cancel your phone bill.

 

A bit overkill, but works.