My boyfriend doesn't believe in arguments

[CS_Hk]

My boyfriend and me have been together almost 2 years now and we've had some terrible fights in the past due to various issues..communication, trust, more communication. What's worse is that he thinks good relationships don't have arguments/fights. Whenever I bring up something he did or don't like, he believes that I get some happiness from getting into arguments from him... I told him that it's not on my agenda to have fights with him all the time but if we do, we move past it and work through it just like any small hurdle in life.

I'm not sure what to believe now since he's so convinced about this. Am I the one mistaken? Do other relationships have arguments as well? If yes how often?

[LargoLagg]

An argument is where each side tries to convince the other that their position is the correct one. It is more persuasive than angry.

 

A quarrel is squabbling over nonsense, picking a fight to get into a fight.

 

A fight is where you both feel strongly about something, it's a lot like an argument, except that there is anger and bad feelings. These are generally not resolved mutually. Someone gives in.

 

If you argue about stuff, that's good, as long as you can come to a resolution.

 

If you quarrel about stuff, you're probably becoming a little disillusioned about each other, seeing the other person for who they are, and it bugs each of you, so that's where that comes from.... there's dissatisfaction about something else.

 

If you fight, the frequency and nature of the fighting just might tell you are incompatible with each other. It's bound to happen once in a while, but it should be infrequent.

[basil67]

I'm in agreement with Largo.

 

Arguments or fights rarely solve anything because by the time a disagreement has disintegrated to this stage, both parties are generally too riled to listen to each other. It becomes all about being right or pushing our own agenda.

 

I've been with my hubby for almost 25 years. We don't argue or fight. The last time I raised my voice at him was over 20 years ago. (he didn't argue back because he recognised he'd done a dangerous and stupid thing)

 

However, we do disagree. When we disagree, we both work to express our own thoughts but ALSO to understand where the other is coming from. We may get a bit passionate, but we don't raise voices because that shuts down effective communication. We don't use blame for the same reason. We NEVER say hurtful things to each other. It's about trying to stay calm and rational and work towards finding a resolution.

 

There are also right and wrong ways to raise issues with what someone did. You can do it constructively or destructively. Google "Using I statements in relationships" for more information. Just to be clear, big fights are NOT a small hurdle. If there is enough of them, they cause irrepairable damage.

 

 

That said, terrible fights are very likely a sign of a major incompatibility. What kinds of things does he do that bothers you?

[Shanex]

Seems perfectly normal to argue over something, relationships aren't always champagne and roses, to fight is a different thing, especially terrible fights.

 

My experiences are the same as that of Basil, if you argue too often, fight over nothing that means you're most likely incompatible. I recall some of my relationships started with tantrums between us that subsided over time. While you cannot give up at all at the first issue in something you want to be a steady relationship, arguing all the time is a hassle hard to handle for both.

[Gloria25]

Regardless if you two plan to marry, maybe you oughta consider taking some premarital counseling. Cuz like others already posted, I have a feeling that "communication", "arguements", and/or "fighting" mean different things to you and dude.

 

Hopefully you guys, through the counseling, can learn better communication skills and learn more about each other. I mean, you guys been together two years, but how people date, IMO, is them just wasting/spending time together and think that since they like th same popcorn and movies that they're a match, then "life" happens (kids, money, religion, culture - and, in your case "communication") and they struggle to make it work and/or "thought" that they knew each other well.

 

Well wishes

[Redhead14]

My boyfriend and me have been together almost 2 years now and we've had some terrible fights in the past due to various issues..communication, trust, more communication. What's worse is that he thinks good relationships don't have arguments/fights. Whenever I bring up something he did or don't like, he believes that I get some happiness from getting into arguments from him... I told him that it's not on my agenda to have fights with him all the time but if we do, we move past it and work through it just like any small hurdle in life.

I'm not sure what to believe now since he's so convinced about this. Am I the one mistaken? Do other relationships have arguments as well? If yes how often?

 

Arguments are inevitable. It's how those arguments are dealt with that is important. Good conflict resolution skills are a key component to compatibility.

 

If you have an issue over something he does, how are you approaching it? Never use "negative" openers, i.e. "you never", "why don't you", "you didn't". Those kinds of openers put the person on the defensive and some people will shut down. That is felt to be about criticism.

 

Better openers are: "I understand that you feel X way about Xthing, however, I have a different view. Can we talk about it a little? or "It bothered me when you did X because . . ."

[Gaeta]

My boyfriend and me have been together almost 2 years now and we've had some terrible fights in the past due to various issues..communication, trust, more communication. What's worse is that he thinks good relationships don't have arguments/fights. Whenever I bring up something he did or don't like, he believes that I get some happiness from getting into arguments from him... I told him that it's not on my agenda to have fights with him all the time but if we do, we move past it and work through it just like any small hurdle in life.

I'm not sure what to believe now since he's so convinced about this. Am I the one mistaken? Do other relationships have arguments as well? If yes how often?

 

Then he doesn't think you have a good relationship, if not then why does he stay in this relationship?

 

I don't think it's normal to have frequent 'terrible fights' as you call it.

 

I think it's normal to have disagreement or debates over certain things and this once in a while, not on regular basis.

 

I remember when I was young and had terrible fights with my ex-husband. Looking back I know now it was due to lack of communication skills, lack of maturity and lack of empathy.

 

When couples fight they talk talk talk but they forget to listen.

 

It would help if you gave us an example of one of those terrible fights.

[Arieswoman]

"Fights" or as we called them in UK "rows" are really shouting matches for the deaf - and are just as non-productive.

 

You need to learn how to exchange conflicting ideas without getting heated. In other words, both brush up on your communication skills.

 

If you have too many different viewpoints about too many topics, maybe you aren't compatible, sorry. x

[whichwayisup]

My boyfriend and me have been together almost 2 years now and we've had some terrible fights in the past due to various issues..communication, trust, more communication. What's worse is that he thinks good relationships don't have arguments/fights. Whenever I bring up something he did or don't like, he believes that I get some happiness from getting into arguments from him... I told him that it's not on my agenda to have fights with him all the time but if we do, we move past it and work through it just like any small hurdle in life.

I'm not sure what to believe now since he's so convinced about this. Am I the one mistaken? Do other relationships have arguments as well? If yes how often?

 

Your boyfriend needs a reality check. Couples bicker and have disagreements, discussions and arguments! It's normal to do that. The result of not having arguments is having hidden resentments built up, being passive aggressive and possibly having uncontrolled emotional outbursts.

 

It's best to talk it out and sort it out rather than ignore and pretend all is okay.

[Mr. Lucky]

I told him that it's not on my agenda to have fights with him all the time but if we do, we move past it and work through it just like any small hurdle in life.

 

I'd guess he thinks fighting "all the time" isn't a small hurdle. This might simply be a question of you picking your battles more wisely especially if you're feisty or combative in nature. The level of tension and drama you describe doesn't sound like much fun ...

 

Mr. Lucky