Otter2569 Posted October 31, 2016 Share Posted October 31, 2016 (edited) Ever learn something "not good" about your partner? Something that makes you stop and think a little differently about them? If your partner or SO had slept with a married person would that bother you? From the sound of it, it happened more than once. Possibly more than one married person. I try not to judge and I don't ask about a persons past but as I learn "not good" things about a person I care about and enjoy being with it creates a little trust issue in my mind. I also don't know whether I should bring it up again or let it go. We have all made mistakes...I know I have made several myself. Edited October 31, 2016 by Otter2569 Link to post Share on other sites
Herbalist Posted October 31, 2016 Share Posted October 31, 2016 For me it would depend on if they elaborated on the situation and what else they had to say about it. They would need to do this on their own though. If I prodded them for an explanation then they might not speak genuinely if they sense I am uncomfortable with the something and they are trying to tell me what they think I want to hear about it then. So it would depend on what they offered up themselves of their own accord. Do they speak of it as a past mistake and understand why they did it, why it was wrong and have they resolved whatever that issue was in themself. Or do they speak of it casually as though there was nothing wrong about it at all. Or do they even boast. There are few things that I would never forgive in a person, extreme and malicious, hideous things, but for most things in life I understand that everyone is on a journey and we make mistakes and learn as we go. So what I would care about more is whether or not the person is capable of that, reflecting and learning and becoming a better person throughout their life, or if they seem to not have that capability. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Otter2569 Posted October 31, 2016 Author Share Posted October 31, 2016 Great points, Herb. From the beginning she has come across as very honest, trust worthy and a genuinely good person. She has a good job, is taking college classes to get an advanced degree and she is a single mom who works hard to instill good values in her child. I say this only to point out some of the reasons I think she is good person. I don't know the reasons or situation behind her involvement with a married guy(s). I also don't know if it was when she was single, married or divorced (6+ years). The subject came up casually as we were talking about her coworker who s unhappy in her marriage. She did not brag about it and was not too matter of fact either. When I suggested we invite her coworker to a party she was the first to say that we need to let her work her situation out and not add to it. As we get more emotionally invested its been on my mind. I am not quick to trust people however I should let it go and talk more openly about it when there is an opportunity. Link to post Share on other sites
Gloria25 Posted October 31, 2016 Share Posted October 31, 2016 Is this the same person who you posted about in the past - because of other issues with her? If the answer is "Yes", then how many red flags are needed to reconsider if she's worth staying with? Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted October 31, 2016 Share Posted October 31, 2016 (edited) Ever learn something "not good" about your partner? Something that makes you stop and think a little differently about them? Yes If your partner or SO had slept with a married person would that bother you? From the sound of it, it happened more than once. Possibly more than one married person. Yes, Yes. I try not to judge and I don't ask about a persons past but as I learn "not good" things about a person I care about and enjoy being with it creates a little trust issue in my mind. Why not judge - if you were lied to and manipulated? Trust in a committed relationship - once broken has to be earned back - or not given. I also don't know whether I should bring it up again or let it go. We have all made mistakes...I know I have made several myself. Is there more you need to bring up - have you voiced your concerns, anger, etc...Have you done so in front of a couples counselor? Mistakes ? You cheated as well? Its one thing to make mistakes - its another to lie and hide - and yet another thing if the person lacks significant remorse and regret - and if they dont want to make amends. I have been in such a marriage. After years - and counseling - I only got partial regrets and amends from her. Its been a difficult marriage, but I decided to stay for my own reasons. Whats in it for you? Edited October 31, 2016 by dichotomy Link to post Share on other sites
compulsivedancer Posted October 31, 2016 Share Posted October 31, 2016 It was very important to me that my SO know pretty early on about my infidelity, because I knew it could be a deal-breaker, and I didn't want to get really attached, then have him dump me over it. I asked him a couple times about why his marriage ended, and he basically said, "Let's talk about it later," so I figured there was something in his past he wasn't proud of either. After several weeks of dating, I finally said, "it's time to talk about this." I listened to him and he listened to me. We discussed how our respective issues affected our lives and marriages and where we were today. We talked about what kinds of counseling, etc, we had done. We occasionally discuss things related to these aspects of our past as they come up, but we haven't hashed out every detail, like some do, as there are times it's better not to know. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
compulsivedancer Posted October 31, 2016 Share Posted October 31, 2016 I'd ask her about it. Not in an accusatory way, but just as an SO who wants to know more about her past. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Otter2569 Posted November 1, 2016 Author Share Posted November 1, 2016 (edited) Thisi s my current GF of 5 months and she is fantastic in many ways. Having gotten out of a really bad relationship I was looking to date but nothing serious. I could tell she was getting attached but I remained aloof and more distant. Well now I am becoming emotionally invested which is why its a concern for me. It happened before we ever met and I have no reason not to trust her. I also dont want to be a douche and dredge up her past or to come across as a whiney and clingy. Knowing me, I will bottle it up and it will come out at a bad time...I don't want that either. I thinks its a fear of getting closer to this woman. Edited November 5, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator language, member suspended ~T Link to post Share on other sites
Author Otter2569 Posted November 3, 2016 Author Share Posted November 3, 2016 After some thought I feel I need to look at who she is as a person today - which is very good. She has and exhibits very strong moral character. We don't usually talk a lot about our past. I'm sure we will....but its the past. I don't think you can turn a blind eye to it but you shouldn't be judged by it either. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted November 3, 2016 Share Posted November 3, 2016 My BF past demons are none of my business. The key word here being 'past'. I could not care less if he had an affair with a married woman 20 years ago. It was another place, another time, and different circumstances. My life is with him today and how he carries himself with me, today. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
understand50 Posted November 3, 2016 Share Posted November 3, 2016 Otter2569, Generally, I state that the past should be left unspoken, unless it impacts, or can impact the present relationship. I think her past is impacting how you feel about her now, so, in your case, I think a frank talk on both sides may be helpful. Come at it with understanding and state that you know she has moved on, but let her know that you want a lasting relationship, and by working this out, it will lead to a stronger one. It looks like she has turned her life around, and this should be strengthened, not weakened by being honest. If we believe in redemption, then people can learn from their past, and be better going forward. The odds go down on a spouse that cheated, and got a second chance, will cheat again. The old mantra "once a cheater, always a cheater" does not always hold. My two cents, and I wish you luck.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted November 3, 2016 Share Posted November 3, 2016 It depends how far is this past. If it's 15 years ago it's different than if it's 6 months ago. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted November 3, 2016 Share Posted November 3, 2016 hmm. I wouldn't be looking so much at the action but the result of the action. In other words. Is she saying she learned a great deal from it? Grew as a person? Knows she would never get involved in a marriage again-- and WHY? You said it wasn't just once. It happens once, you learn from it and shouldn't end up there again. Why did she end up there more than once? So...I'm a little biased because my H had an affair with a serial OW (other woman). My first thought is to say--- "well at least you know how much she respects the sanctity of marriage". she obviously doesn't. Or didn't. See above where I say "what did she learn? how did she grow?". That's more important. Just with my experience, if I were ever to be divorced I would not ever get involved with either a married man, or a man that had a history of cheating on his wife or being involved with a married woman as a single man. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Otter2569 Posted November 4, 2016 Author Share Posted November 4, 2016 Everyone makes mistakes. Some are worse than others obviously. I agree, its what you learn from your mistakes and how you grow from the experience. If I listed everything I did wrong in life you'd think I was a POS and if you knew me, even slightly, you'd be shocked because I am not "that type" of person. Because I am becoming attached to her, hearing about this infidelity set my alarms off. I am not one to trust right away - its earned over time. There are also a lot of pieces to the story I don't know: would be very different if she was single and he was going to leave his wife for her vs having an intentional affair with a married guy down the street. For me I feel the need to talk about it in a constructive manner so it can be put in context and we can move forward. Link to post Share on other sites
Wade Lamare Posted November 4, 2016 Share Posted November 4, 2016 It's difficult to be truly judgemental about someone's past without knowing the full story. Without walking in their shoes at the time. There is a quote, which I've probably got completely wrong; "The past is a different country, they do things differently there." I could very easily imagine myself (I didn't btw) as a young, rather lonely for a girlfriend, man meeting an older married woman who gave me a sob story about her awful life with a neglectful, abusive husband. I think my protective instincts would have kicked in and it wouldn't have taken her long to seduce me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted November 4, 2016 Share Posted November 4, 2016 How long ago she did that? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Otter2569 Posted November 11, 2016 Author Share Posted November 11, 2016 (edited) We had a good discussion the other day. There were two married men: One was a coworker in a bad marriage and separated. It happened before she was married (18+ years ago). It turned into a short term relationship until she found out he was on drugs. The other was a high school crush about 6 years ago (I'm guessing since it was after her divorce). He was in a "bad marriage". They reconnected online and only met twice. His wife found their texts and that officially ended that...he never go divorced. She said they were both during vulnerable times and it was a stupid thing to do. It was a sincere discussion and I do believe her based on how she conducts herself today. Edited November 11, 2016 by Otter2569 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts