Why do people stay in a dysfunctional relationship?

[benpom]

I never thought of my relationship as a dysfunctional one until its end after being together for 10 years. It got me wondering if there is any non-dysfunctional relationship. If it's dysfunctional, why would someone stay for 10 years?

[benpom]

My guess is that dysfunctional moments probably exist in most relationships. They are the product of our personality flaws. Those moments could have guided us to become better, but unfortunately lots of times people choose to ignore it. When we ignore it, we let the resentment grow. Until one day, the resentment builds to an intolerable level, then the relationship explodes.

[Arieswoman]

benpom,

Q. Why do people stay in a dysfunctional relationship?

 

A. Because they don't realise that the relationship is dysfunctional !

 

I see it like this;

 

All of us grow up with a blueprint of what a relationship should look given to us by our parents/family environment.

 

Say, for example, a girl grows up in a situation where one parent abuses the other (either verbally or physically). The girl may not like the environment and may leave home as soon as possible but the conditioning is still there. She will attract abusive men not because she wants to but because the dynamic is familiar to her.

 

We all gravitate towards/attract what we know, and this plays out on a subconscious level.

 

Unless we explore our in-built conditioning via therapy, then the pattern will continue.

 

We can avoid relationships that are bad for us by being aware, setting boundaries, working on who we really are, what we want and what we deserve.

 

The hardest lesson I had to learn was when to walk away and to give myself permission to say "no I don't want this, thanks, goodbye"

 

HTH

[smudge21]

Exactly what Arieswoman said - we get used to a normality that is fine for us but to the outside world can be so wrong. I know plenty of people who I find it hard to believe they are with someone who is treating them wrong or not respecting them, yet they remain there or continue to bounce from bad relationship to bad relationship. Sadly it's their normality. So to them, the relationship is fine right up until it ends. Also, should they meet someone who treats them right, they usually push away as that is out of their normality. No matter how good it is, it's just wrong and foreign to them.. so they don't know how to handle it and go back to their usual life. As Arieswoman says, it's recognizing the signs and the patterns so we can teach ourselves to avoid things that are wrong for us, even if they appear to be right.

[Popsicle]

I never thought of my relationship as a dysfunctional one until its end after being together for 10 years. It got me wondering if there is any non-dysfunctional relationship. If it's dysfunctional, why would someone stay for 10 years?

 

What an excellent question! Lol

 

People stay for various reasons:

 

1) they are in denial that it is as bad as it is.

2) they are in denial that it will improve.

3) they don't want to give up the residual perks of being in that R.

4) they can't handle being alone. Being in a bad R is better than no R to them. Plus, they rationalize that they can't do better anyway.

 

And I agree with Arieswoman too. It's their norm (and becomes their kids norm too).

[Gr8fuln2020]

I agree with Arieswoman. Also, it is a result of one's own, very personal, dysfunctional understanding/view of relationships probably developed in childhood. Some kids who grow up in dysfunctional families learn their behavior from watching the inter/intra-personal dynamics around them.

 

Another reason is that they are simply desparate for affection. For some, it is better to have someone, anyone regardless of how they are treated.

 

Another is guilt. Some people feel TOO responsible for their partner and the idea of leaving them is not an option.

 

Another is, of course, convenience. It could be finances, children....

 

In the end, all very destructive to the psyche if abuse is involved. One of the early things I ask a potential partner is about their relationship with their ex or exes. If there is any contact, any at all that is beyond what is necessary, and the ex is someone who is toxic, I don't bother dating her. People who keep toxic people in their lives are toxic themselves. They have an unhealthy understanding of boundaries and what a healthy relationship involves.

Edited August 27, 2016 by simpleNfit

[elaine567]

Yes, the acceptance of "normality" which can stem from FOO issues has a lot to do with it, but I also think some people get a bit battered and bruised in relationships, so they end up accepting less than optimal relationships in an attempt to have one actually work out for them.

OR they go off with the guy/girl that chose them, as opposed to actively seeking out the best mate for themselves.

 

They want to settle down, so when the music stops, they scrabble for the nearest chair, not the one they would have chosen in an ideal world.

 

Once settled down, they do not want to admit to making a mistake, they attempt to change the person to one they would have chosen for themselves - that doesn't go down well and the relationship such as it was sours and becomes dysfunctional.

They are then stuck, "better the devil you know" becomes the mantra and often having been through the mill previously they do not want to go through that again so they just stay, until it becomes truly unbearable, or one or the other wants to move on with their life.

[Gr8fuln2020]

They are then stuck, "better the devil you know" becomes the mantra and often having been through the mill previously they do not want to go through that again so they just stay, until it becomes truly unbearable, or one or the other wants to move on with their life.

 

PHEW. I've got stories for you!

 

...or they simply remain....tragically....permanently scarred by the experience.

[benpom]

I stayed because I thought he is a great person. (I still think he is a good person despite the fact that we are going through divorce now.) But we did not understand each other well, because we did not communicate well. I felt lonely. This was my first long-term relationship, so I rationalized the loneliness as the fading of honeymoon phase. (That's what everyone I knew told me. I think they did not know the level of loneliness I was feeling.) My SO admired me quite a lot back those days. (He still tells people he admires me. But I feel my self-esteem is at all time low now - broken relationship, new to the job market again...) I felt guilty about not feeling the same level of admiration towards him. The loneliness together with guilt trapped me into a depressed stage.

 

He also hurt me in one incident in the beginning of our relationship. It gave me a deep scar. It was accidental. Although I later realized that even accidental things are often caused by some underlying personality issue. He later hurt me many times in similar ways, which just kept reminding me of and deepening the scar.

 

I think most of us carry some dysfunctional relationship behaviors with us. Only when we can openly communicate, we can learn each other's personality, desire and boundaries. Only when we truly love each other and respect each other, we can stop ourselves from letting our selfishness get in the way of violating the other partner's boundaries.

 

We learn as we grow. I hope my children can take less detours in life than me.

[elaine567]

I stayed because I thought he is a great person. (I still think he is a good person despite the fact that we are going through divorce now.)

 

He also hurt me in one incident in the beginning of our relationship. It gave me a deep scar. It was accidental. Although I later realized that even accidental things are often caused by some underlying personality issue. He later hurt me many times in similar ways, which just kept reminding me of and deepening the scar.

 

You told yourself a fairy story as to how great a person he was. You were in fact lonely, miserable and hurting deeply time and time again through his actions, yet you stuck to the "love" story and are still doing it, still believing it, as he still sticks the knife into you...

[benpom]

Contributing to the demise of my relationship was also the good-hearted advice from the therapist and friends - appreciate what you already have. It's like saying: you hands are bleeding? Ignore it and focus on the parts that are not bleeding! Every time I hear that advice, I feel extra guilt, in addition to the misery I was already going through.

[Gaeta]

I stayed 15 years in a dysfunctional marriage for religious reasons. I was born and raised Catholic and married my 1st boyfriend. In my world marriage was forever, for better or for worse. I gave it my all for 15 years. With the years I finally understood that there were nothing honorable in being in an abusive marriage.

[Timshel]

I think most of us carry some dysfunctional relationship behaviors with us. Only when we can openly communicate, we can learn each other's personality, desire and boundaries. Only when we truly love each other and respect each other, we can stop ourselves from letting our selfishness get in the way of violating the other partner's boundaries.

 

We learn as we grow. I hope my children can take less detours in life than me.

 

When we truly love and respect ourselves, we do not hurt others or engage with people who do not value and respect us.

 

When I made a decision to divorce, I felt that I had failed as a person for marrying the wrong man. If only I had been wiser, more self aware...better. My parents were married 'till death part' and my grandparents as well. I held myself to this standard and thought I had failed.

 

Now that I am older, I deeply value the 'mistakes' that I have made. What I have learned from my deepest losses have molded me to be a much more agile and compassionate human being; perhaps more so than ease ever could have.

 

Loving and respecting oneself leads to less time wasted and less wasting of other people's time. Knowing oneself and therefore having firm boundaries leads to being less fearful of learning.

I am not afraid of differences, they teach. I will learn what I should and need and want without fear of being manipulated or lead, because I trust myself and know what I will or will not tolerate and importantly.....enforce it.

 

That's the journey of life/love.

 

We all have varying levels of dysfunction and these levels are entirely subjective to whom we are attracted and are attracted to us.

I think successful relationships are about compatibility of dysfunctions, not a complete lack of dysfunction = life experiences, perceptions, quirks and values. One person's dysfunction is another person's oyster.

 

There is so much value in relationships, including the one's we grow out of.....in some ways these most of all.

 

This is a difficult time for you benpom....you are being honed. If you pay attention, it seems you are, you will be better for it. You will realize you have not lost but gained. Perhaps too soon, yet from experience, I know that I am correct.

 

Hang in and do not beat yourself up....we are all doing the best we can where we are.

[Toodaloo]

As people have said before. It gets to the point where it becomes "normal" to be that way.

 

Imagine driving abroad. Here in the UK we drive on the left so when I go to the US it gets really confusing and I admit I end up getting in the wrong doors of the car and going on the wrong side of the road. Then I get used to is and when I come home again its all back to front again...

 

Same thing.

 

It also takes time and effort to learn that things can be a different way...

 

People are strange. They are different with different people and influences around them...

 

You ex may well be a lovely brother or son it doesn't mean that he can't also be a really crappy husband as well.

 

We can't all be good at everything...

[Arieswoman]

I'd just like to add that we tend to engage with people who are on the same level as us in terms of emotional maturity, psychological awareness, personal self development at the time.

 

That's why someone can be a good fit for us at 20 or 30 but not at 40 years old.

IMO no-one should be regarded as a "failure" if they don't want to continue to be in a relationship that they have outgrown.

 

This is always the challenge of a LTR. Can we grow and develop within that relationship, while at the same time allowing the other person to do the same, and still keep the bond we started with? A tall order.

 

When you throw all life's challenges into the mix it's amazing so many people do manage to hold it all together for so long.