Think My Boyfriend is Doing Drugs and Lying to Me...

[Ms_Maverick]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 7 months. I love him deeply. I came out of a messy divorce from an abusive husband thinking I didn't want to find anyone new - but we found each other.

 

 

We've always been very honest with each other. He told me as soon as we met that many years ago in his teens (he's 27 now) that he had an addiction to Morphine pills, and smoked pot regularly. He also told me that he had snorted cocaine with friends - long before we met. A couple of months ago he lost his job. Since then things have been more challenging. He still remains loving towards me, but its different. I know he's incredibly stressed out about his finances and not being able to find full time work. But lately, he's been distant.

 

 

The other night, he went out with an old friend, he said he'd only be gone for an hour or so. They left at 10pm and at 4am he still wasn't back. I was so worried about him - its unlike him not to call or text me. We don't live together, but I was staying over. Unable to sleep, I went on Facebook but the computer was logged into his account. I went to exit out but then stopped when I noticed the chat screen that was up. He had been chatting with the friend he was out with making plans for the night. I know I shouldn't have, and I feel absolutely terrible for doing it, but I clicked the chat window and scrolled up to see them talking about getting cocaine and splitting the cost. I was floored - I scrolled up earlier to read messages from weeks and months previous. Every time his friend would ask if he wanted to get cocaine, and my BF would say no, because I was there. In an earlier message he even told his friend that he hadn't done it since before we met, and that he didn't ever want to again, but that if he wanted some he could help him get it.

 

 

I waited until 5am, when he finally got home. I asked what they had been doing and he said drinking beer and telling stories. I was so angry, I went to bed and wouldn't speak to him. The next morning he apologized for being so late. I asked again what they were doing, and he said the same thing. I said, really that's all you did? and he said yes. Later that morning I found empty bottles of Methadone in the bathroom. Prescriptions that weren't in his name, but in the name of a friend who I know is a drug dealer. In another cupboard, I found a grocery bag full of at least twenty more empties. Most of them with dates from the last two months. Some with dates only a week ago...

 

 

I asked him about them and he said he used them for his back pain, but hadn't in awhile. When I said, one of them was from last week, he said I'll explain it when I get home. But he never did. I don't know what to do. It hurts that he would lie to me - and worse about something like cocaine and methadone. I can deal with smoking pot - but hard drugs is a hard line for me. I hadn't heard from him all day today, finally just a few minutes ago I text him asking what he was up to, and he said he was hanging out with this same friend. I'm so worried that he's going to throw away everything we've built together these past seven months, I'm so afraid of losing him. We have plans to move in together very soon - but now...I just don't know what to do. Please, any advise would be much appreciated.

[PeopleWatching]

Unfortunately, this situation is going to test the strength of your relationship no matter what you do. My guess is that he hasn't brought the subject up again because he doesn't know what to say that won't make you think less of him. Losing his job was probably embarrassing and made him begin to worry that you would think less of him. The empty bottles seem to be evidence that your boyfriend may be selling drugs in order to make ends meet. If he craves your respect and love, then admitting that will be difficult and embarrassing.

 

Methadone also has the potential for abuse, so it's also possible that he's abusing it. The ray of hope would appear to be the text messages that imply that he isn't using, but unfortunately dealing drugs isn't much better for someone who loves him and is trying to build a stable and loving relationship.

 

You are still at the point in your relationship where each of you is trying to make the best impression on each other. It was extremely disrespectful of him to stay out all night, much less without checking in with you, and especially if he was out all night for drug related reasons. It's just my opinion, but that level of disrespect especially in a relationship that's not even a year old speaks volumes about the way he will treat you moving forward in your relationship with him and should make you stop and think twice about whether or not you should be moving in with this man.

 

You have to make some very difficult decisions and get the issue out in the open where the two of you can discuss it. If you tolerate this now, then he will only learn that you will forgive him the next time. If the behavior escalates, then you will find yourself living in a situation that's much more difficult to get out of than it would be to break it off now. I have never been a fan of ultimatums, because you can't control other people's behavior. You can tell him that staying out all night was extremely disrespectful and hurtful, and that you expect more from a man who claims to love you. The question is, what will you do if he doesn't get the message and makes a habit of it?

 

This situation is a very big red flag waving in front of you. No matter how deeply you feel for him and how hard it is to walk away from the relationship, I don't think that you should even consider moving in with him if he is using or dealing drugs. You deserve better. Unfortunately, the possibility that he is gives him a pretty big reason to lie to you. You are going to need to trust your instincts and intuition about whether you are being given the truth or if he is trying to cover his behavior.

 

Unfortunately, that leaves you with few options. In your case I suggest telling your boyfriend that you need to know if he is dealing or using drugs, and that you deserve complete honesty from him. From there you can discuss his options with him, and decide if you are willing to continue building a future with him. It doesn't matter that you saw his text messages, and if he chooses to divert the discussion and make this about your behavior instead of his own then you will know how serious he is about building a stable future with you.

 

Overkill? Over-reacting? I don't think so. You are responsible for choosing the men in your life. You can only choose your own path forward. Ultimatums tend to drive problems underground instead of solving them. You can't say "stop dealing drugs or I will walk away". You can only tell him that this situation is so important that you are willing to postpone moving in until you are certain that he is not dealing or using drugs, because you don't want or deserve a relationship with someone who is going to bring that much drama into your life. You get to set the bar for how you are treated.

 

Best to you both

Edited June 1, 2016 by PeopleWatching
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[Gloria25]

I would not move in with someone with a history of drug use - who still is having issues with keeping a job, yet is out till all hours of the nite doing anything "but" working his butt off.

 

If you move in with him, be prepared to foot the bills and play "mommy" to him.

 

IMO, we have a responsibility to bring our best "selves" to the dating world. He needs to concentrate on sobriety; and, that's something he needs to do on his own. If you wanna support him, then do so as a "friend" w/o romantic interest, cuz that's the only way he's gonna get the help he needs.

 

If you move him in, you're gonna enable him. It's one thing to be someone's "mommy" and another to allow someone the opportunity to handle their business.

[basil67]

You may not want to walk away from everything you've built together - but sweetie, it's all built on a foundation of lies. This is more about you not wanting to walk away from what you *believed* you had.

 

It's only 7 months anyway - hardly the stuff of a long term relationship. You're still at the stage of getting to know each other and you're finding out the not so warm and fuzzy stuff now.

 

Also, if someone hangs out with others who score drugs - it's safe to assume they are doing the same thing. Like attracts like.

 

Dump him and move on.

[amaysngrace]

Get out of this relationship now and don't even think about taking it to the next level. He's a druggie and unless you have some seriously messed up self-esteem you will want more for yourself than to be moving in with a drug addict.

[Larryville]

Think My Boyfriend is Doing Drugs and Lying to Me...

 

My boyfriend and I have been together for 7 months I love him deeply.

 

Let that sink in and ask yourself, does that make any logical sense?

[blackcat777]

Truth with a drug addiction is... an addict will always choose drugs over love. An addict will always lie, minimize, and rugsweep drug use - they feel like only other addicts can understand them, and if you're not using, you'll never get the truth. (Even if you were using, you still might not get the truth.)

 

It has nothing to do with you. It is 100% about the addiction. Addiction wins over you, ever. single. time.

 

If he had a problem in the past, this looks really bad. I'd also be more inclined to think he's using, rather than selling...

 

If he does have that kind of relationship with opiates, the only thing you can do is walk and say you will not stand for it. Otherwise, you are enabling his use...

 

The only thing that can motivate someone addicted to want to kick the habit is to force them to face the consequence of the habit, which, in your case, is the loss of you.

 

In your case I suggest telling your boyfriend that you need to know if he is dealing or using drugs, and that you deserve complete honesty from him. From there you can discuss his options with him, and decide if you are willing to continue building a future with him.

If someone is addicted, I disagree with this strongly - the nature of addiction is to lie. This is pointless and like asking a cheater to confess, you will get nothing but trickle truth. In a relationship not struggling with addiction, this is great advice, but I strongly suggest reading up on some AA/NA/drug abuse 101 if you think differently.

 

Opiates are no joke and the only thing harder to kick than opiates are benzos.

 

A coworker who had been terrorizing everyone, stealing from people's purses, customers, the register, and the stockroom, was finally fired because she needed over $200/day for her opiate addiction.

[acrosstheuniverse]

This has gotta be a real hard line for you, surely. Not only is he using drugs, he's also lying to your face. If he was using methadone for pain relief, his name would be on the prescription. Normal people don't use something like Methadone for back pain, unless a doctor has prescribed it. It's like trying to crack a nut with a sledgehammer.

 

I take morphine for severe chronic pain, it is the only thing (out of so many I've tried) that works, and helps me to live a normal life, work and do everything everyone else does. But it's an open fact, not a secret from anyone, the bottles are left out in the apartment and my partner knows about it from the start.

 

This guy is so shady, and a liar. Seven months is not a long enough investment to justify throwing yourself into a serious cohabiting R with a drug user. It's still early stages, get out now while you can.

 

I'm not judging drug users, I have spent time with them extensively and known many people with substance use problems, personally as well as professionally. It doesn't make him a bad person but in this scenario it absolutely makes him a terrible choice of partner. Imagine living with him knowing this stuff was going on and being lied to on a daily basis, being awake all night worried sick whenever he goes out, being unable to have kids round for the fear of them finding his stash and killing themselves, having drug dealers calling round, you get the picture.

 

If you love this guy, issue him an ultimatum. You know what he's doing and won't tolerate it in a relationship. He sees a doctor, engages with a drug abuse support agency and agrees to regular testing to prove to you he's clean, or you walk. Don't move in until at least a year has passed of clean tests. But you still must know, that the chances of relapse are high. Even when someone wants to quit drugs it's a superhuman effort. He doesn't even want to so I can't see this ending well with him accepting he has a problem, going clean and you guys skipping off into the sunset forever. This has bad news written all over it.

[Quiet Storm]

Addicts lie to protect their addiction.

 

It often becomes second nature for them to lie. Many of them still lie, even when they're sober.

 

Reading his chat did violate his privacy, but it provided you with valuable information about him. Information that you can't ignore.

 

I've known quite a few addicts. Their lives are often filled with rock bottoms, struggling to get clean, sobriety and then relapse. Over and over. The people who love them suffer the most, and the addict shows their appreciation by sneaking around and lying to them.

 

I know you love him, but love yourself more and move on. You deserve better.

[Buddhist]

I can deal with smoking pot - but hard drugs is a hard line for me. I hadn't heard from him all day today, finally just a few minutes ago I text him asking what he was up to, and he said he was hanging out with this same friend. I'm so worried that he's going to throw away everything we've built together these past seven months, I'm so afraid of losing him. We have plans to move in together very soon - but now...I just don't know what to do. Please, any advise would be much appreciated.

 

You have already lost him. You've enough evidence that he's lying to you and has been for some months. He's not going to throw it all away, he already has and he's already made the choice to be with this friend over being with you. Walk.