BeejieT Posted February 11, 2016 Share Posted February 11, 2016 PLEASE HELP! I started dating my gf 2.5 years ago. We met at work, I was at the end of my divorce and she was then in a relationship for over 3 years. She had an emotional affair on her bf with me for 4 months before she finally broke up with him and dated me within days after. Since we started dating, her mom has not approved of me from day 1 and this has been a complete nightmare. She has been rude to me, insulted my religious beliefs, insulted my height (I'm 5'7), accused me of blinding her daughter with $, accused me of not making enough $ (I know, redundant), has kept in contact with my gf's ex still today (she texts him, invites him over), tells the small town they grew up in how terrible of a person i am, has had 2 Private Investigators out on me (which has been verified), has called my place of employment to find out more about my position at the company, and the list goes on and on for years. Mind you, Ive worked as mechanical engineer manager thus far in my career and have lived on my own since 17. I have never cheated, raised my hand or abused my gf in anyway and no matter what situation we go through I strive to treat her the best I can. Her mom is 50 years old, has been married multiple times, lives off of alimony and can't keep a man in her life. She lives in a very female dominant family and there are very few guys in the family ever around. Which made me wonder early on if thats why she didnt accept me. She's extremely controlling and needs to know every detail in my gfs life even tho they live together; she emails her at work and texts her needing to know where she goes, what her plans are days/weeks in advance, constantly wants to hang out with my gf's friends, they even share a joint checking account and she monitors my gfs spending. My gf is 28 yrs old. I am absolutely in love with my gf and adore her. However, my gf is very passive and throughout these years she doesn't stand up for me "to keep the peace" between her mom and I. She believes that keeping us separated is what's best. I bite my tongue when I'm insulted in person by her mom, I don't bring up what she's done to me out of respect for my gf and always try to charm and kill with kindness. Im always there for her mom whether its helping her around the house or any other favor. No lie, she once sh** her pants after working out and I helped her into the shower and cleaned up the mess while my gf was out. I know! Am I crazy for staying!? My gf and i often argue over this; its been 2.5 years, we talk marriage and kids but she won't tell her mom any of this because her mom doesn't like me. My gf rarely stands up for me or takes my side and she wants me to just go with it BC "that's her family." I'm exhausted and feel like a fool.. Can you PLEASE provide some advice. thank you! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted February 11, 2016 Share Posted February 11, 2016 So, you love a girl who allows her family to treat you appallingly. Why did you not put your own boundaries in place when this started happening? (Your mother's behaviour is unacceptable. I cannot continue in a relationship with you while this is happening) This is an abusive relationship. Your GF may not be abusing you directly, but she's OK with you being abused by her family......which pretty much amounts to the same thing. You have three choices 1. accept her mother's behaviour 2. leave your girlfriend 3. give your girlfriend an ultimatum where she needs to make changes to protect you from her mother....and if she doesn't do anything, leave. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
servizot Posted February 11, 2016 Share Posted February 11, 2016 Wow, that sounds sick!! If your girlfriend really loves you she'll choose you over her mom. In your place I'd leave this toxic relationship right away! The decision is yours 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Httm Posted February 11, 2016 Share Posted February 11, 2016 You dated before you divorced and were trying to be with a girl in a relationship. You brought this onto yourself. Even a normal mother shouldn't approve of you! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted February 11, 2016 Share Posted February 11, 2016 The relationship is highly dysfunctional and not grounded in love. Love brings out the best in people, not the worst. What you consider to be love, is just needing and wanting, not love. Spend some time contemplating the differences between loving, wanting, and needing. Its important to understand those differences. Those three things are (somewhat) related, but they're not different words for the same thing. Really reflect on that. It will help you to understand yourself (and others) better. Take care. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted February 11, 2016 Share Posted February 11, 2016 Either have absolutely nothing to do with her family, or stand up to them and dish it back at her mother. Set boundaries, and call out her mother every time she is less than polite. Of course, you could always break up, since your gf doesn't seem to care enough about you to defend your good qualities. Maybe she's not that into you, but too passive to do anything to break up, much less stand up to her mother? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted February 11, 2016 Share Posted February 11, 2016 You dated before you divorced and were trying to be with a girl in a relationship. You brought this onto yourself. Even a normal mother shouldn't approve of you! No, he was almost divorced, so no foul on him. His gf cheated on her ex with him though, so is at fault. His fault here is that he was okay with her cheating, so he shows poor judgment. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted February 11, 2016 Share Posted February 11, 2016 This sounds like a really juvenile relationship with the sorts of problems teenagers would face. Adults don't 'choose' parents over partners bc they're not the same thing. An adult won't let their parent(s) influence their adult choices about anything they don't want them to. So the fault here is with your GF for not having grown up enough yet to cut the cord, and also for you for tolerating that and feeling lovey towards a juvenile. Partner disapproval by parents isn't uncommon, in fact I'd say it happens more often than it doesn't, so this shouldn't be a particularly unique challenge. And it's entirely possible to keep functioning relationships w/both when neither party approves of the other. That's adult life. If your GF sets boundaries she'll leave her mom no choice but to respect her autonomy, and if you make your expectations for your treatment clear to her your GF will have no other choice but to show you the consideration you deserve. Or just go your separate ways - but if those two things can't be pulled off that'd be better anyway. Either way you both need to stop acting like kids, and if she can't manage that, at least you should and start dating in the grown up world. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Httm Posted February 11, 2016 Share Posted February 11, 2016 No, he was almost divorced, so no foul on him. His gf cheated on her ex with him though, so is at fault. His fault here is that he was okay with her cheating, so he shows poor judgment. Almost divorced is still married. Additionally it takes time to heal and he clearly didn't take it. Link to post Share on other sites
bachdude Posted February 11, 2016 Share Posted February 11, 2016 Almost divorced is still married. Additionally it takes time to heal and he clearly didn't take it. You don't know the details. In many States in the US you have to be legally separated, sometimes as long as 6 months, before they will grant a divorce. Typical phraseology is "free to live as if unmarried". So you just don't know. Link to post Share on other sites
serial muse Posted February 11, 2016 Share Posted February 11, 2016 (edited) Adults don't 'choose' parents over partners bc they're not the same thing. An adult won't let their parent(s) influence their adult choices about anything they don't want them to. 100% agree, especially with the bit in bold. They shouldn't be the same thing. But just by framing this in the "why won't she choose me" language, you're also sort of buying into the idea that she's a kind of rope yanked back and forth in a tug of war. Don't fall for it. Honestly, I'm not sure why you'd put up with this. It sounds so demoralizing. Your GF clearly has issues with boundaries with her mother, but more so with owning her choices and simply growing up. She lives at home, she allows her mother to control the environment (emotional environment) without protest, and she jumped from one long-term relationship right into another - this is a person who doesn't know how to be on her own, and probably doesn't really know who she is. She has a lot of growing up to do. It sounds like a really toxic environment, and frankly, I think she needs some time by herself, finding herself, before she could be a good partner to you. It's your decision, of course, but I'd suggest you consider ending things at this point. I'm sorry. Edited February 11, 2016 by serial muse 1 Link to post Share on other sites
VeveCakes Posted February 11, 2016 Share Posted February 11, 2016 She's 28, why does she live at home and let her mother control her finances? Link to post Share on other sites
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