T-16bullseyeWompRat Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 I would NEVER choose to reconcile from infidelity. I don't care of the circumstances, its a deal breaker for me. So why do so many men choose to reconcile? The number is just way to high in my opinion. Is this just a sign of the weakness of men? Is it that they stand too much to lose financially? Or does it have to do with something else? Frankly I'm a little disgusted at the number of men that choose to reconcile. It is kind of sad to me that many men would let a woman walk all over them like that. What say you? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 I would like to see the evidence that shows that men choose to reconcile any more than women do? Link to post Share on other sites
RySant Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 This is kind of sexist. Men cheat as much as women do. And different factors play to the decision of a person to stay after infidelity. Everyone is unique. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 Infidelity wouldn't be an automatic deal breaker for me - and I'm a woman. But I've got other deal breakers such as a quick temper - so it's not about being walked all over. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 Frankly I'm a little disgusted at the number of men that choose to reconcile. It is kind of sad to me that many men would let a woman walk all over them like that. What say you? You seem determined in your choice and I'm sure it would be the right one - for you . Is it so hard to accept that others might feel differently? Some see a single A as an aberration, often within the context of decades of being happily married. If they can forgive - a tough ask, I know - reconciliation is the best choice - for them. Like most things in life, no one-size-fits-all answer. For either gender... Mr. Lucky 6 Link to post Share on other sites
bachdude Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 I say it's none of your business. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 IME, some of it is legal, some is social and some is emotional. However, that perspective is based on relatively thin and anecdotal experience. The problem with the infidelity stuff is one of verifiability. Very little is verifiable. This presumes that the topic is why men reconcile with their wives who have been unfaithful to the marriage. In general, men are creatures of familiarity and can be especially motivated to reconcile if they have children and the alternative is voluntarily tearing the family apart by filing for divorce. In general, we see divorce statistics where, for any reason, women tend to file more, substantially more, for divorce. In most cases, save for fault divorces where the grounds are proven in court, we'll never know 'why' in any verifiable way. People write their own narratives. Most of my male friends who have children told me their biggest fear in divorce was losing their children. All have been divorced at least once and most have grandchildren now. Reasons varied and none ever outright stated their former spouses cheated or were unfaithful. That's unsurprising in my generation as men, in general, aren't open about that kind of stuff in person with friends. Most common reason? Drugs, meaning drug use by spouse, including alcohol. Coke killed a lot of M's 20-30 years ago. If I had to order, I'd put it children, then money, then social status/milieu. The two guys I know where their wives told me directly that they (the wives) had affairs and reconciled, one H ended up filing for divorce and indeed did divorce and his exW died about a year after and the other couple is still together, now 26 years M. I won't comment on their weakness in their M's because I really don't know but all the guys I hang with are pretty successful in life and didn't get where they are by being weak, in general. They got there by facing stuff and overcoming obstacles. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
OneLov Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 (edited) Perhaps the man truly loves the woman and can put his damaged ego aside because he thinks the relationship is worth reconciling. It can also be for the wrong reasons. But IMO more men do it because they love their WP/WS. So, if you consider loving someone a weakness, then I guess most men (and women) are just plain weak. Edited February 9, 2016 by OneLov 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Robert Z Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 I would NEVER choose to reconcile from infidelity. Then I would guess you've never really loved anyone. Perhaps it is about power to you and not love. That's how my ex wife was. And no I never cheated. Link to post Share on other sites
Saf17 Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 Then I would guess you've never really loved anyone. Perhaps it is about power to you and not love. That's how my ex wife was. And no I never cheated. I loved my wife and she had an affair. I still love her. No, I will not try to reconcile if she flames out with the guy. You can't say someone doesn't love someone or anyone because they won't try to reconcile. There will be reasons people will not reconcile beyond love. Link to post Share on other sites
GunslingerRoland Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 I'm a firm believer in the marriage vows. Yes I know infidelity is a big part of them, but you're supposed to work through things in a marriage, even terrible things. It isn't weak to try to fix a marriage. It is WAY easier to run away from a problem then to try and fix it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 (edited) According to a stat I read here quite a long time ago, most people make an initial attempt to reconcile. The numbers were somewhat surprising to me; it was 90+% of betrayed women and 80+% of betrayed men. When you look at the stats further out, the success rate depended a lot on whether the affair was voluntarily disclosed vs discovered. When a confession had occured, 70% remained together. When it was instead discovered, the number dropped to 35% (and only half of those reported as being "happy"). I'd suspect that the numbers drop much further after the two year mark, considering that some divorces can take quite a while to process. I do think that there's some real truth to the concept that betrayed spouses don't immediately fall out of love with their wayward. The whole thing was such a shock to me (I didn't think my wife was capable of such a thing), that I was somewhat convinced that it was an aberration - a sign of a mid-life crisis and a mistake that she just couldn't get out of once she was in it. I also has spent nearly twenty years fully invested in my nuclear family. For quite a long time, I had invested all of my efforts into building a marriage with my beautiful wife and we'd managed to build a nice home, had a good degree of career and life success together, and we had two small children. Suddenly tossing all of that out the window was counter-intuitive. I'd had such a focus on it for two decades that it was tough to even envision doing anything else. My initial reaction was a sort of damage-control panic, trying to put the pieces back together. If my wife had been truly remorseful, I think I might have been able to forgive. But she wasn't. And it took me about 8 months to accept that I had to choose a new direction in life. I think it's fairly normal. I suppose some will call it weakness. That seems too simplistic to me. I was in shock and definitely off my game for a while. But I found my mojo and I think most people do, given some time. Some are in marriages that can be repaired and manage to make a success out of it. Others eventually divorce. And sadly, some do stay in a broken marriage, desperately clinging to fairly unrealistic hopes of recovery. Edit to add: a lot of wayward spouses also go to great lengths to feign remorse once a Dday hits. It's their own form of damage control. This creates somewhat of a perfect storm - the betrayed spouse had no intentions of divorce as recently as yesterday and the wayward is crying, saying it was all a big mistake, that they'll stop the affair, do anything to repair the marriage. Tough situation for a BS to be in. Edited February 9, 2016 by BetrayedH 6 Link to post Share on other sites
WaitingForBardot Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 Apparently I am weak because I love my wife. If my wife had a ONS or two, pfftt, I've got bigger fish to fry. If it were something longer that was in the past, same. If she were involved in an ongoing affair I'd have three questions: Do you love me? Do you love them? Are you leaving? If she weren't leaving and still loved me I'd have to figure out what I was going to do at that time, but it wouldn't automatically be to leave. All this assumes that I am being treated well (I am) and otherwise getting what I need from her in the relationship (I am). My ego has survived bruising in the past and it could again in the future. And my self-worth is based on more than my wife's behavior, good or bad. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 you're supposed to work through things in a marriage, even terrible things. Yes but when your spouse is the direct cause of those "terrible things"? Isn't she also supposed to work through whatever issues cause her to want to stray, rather than jumping into bed with another man? Seems like you're not judging her by the same yardstick you use to judge yourself. For me, if one person breaks the vows, then they are broken. If the BS chooses to end the marriage, they are not "running away from a problem", they are asserting a boundary that they established very early on: infidelity is unacceptable in a marriage or committed relationship. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
RightThere Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 I would NEVER choose to reconcile from infidelity. I don't care of the circumstances, its a deal breaker for me. So why do so many men choose to reconcile? The number is just way to high in my opinion. Is this just a sign of the weakness of men? Is it that they stand too much to lose financially? Or does it have to do with something else? Frankly I'm a little disgusted at the number of men that choose to reconcile. It is kind of sad to me that many men would let a woman walk all over them like that. What say you? I would say that's a whole lot of opinion for someone who sounds like hasn't gone through infidelity. Real easy to pass judgement on something you haven't experienced. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
GunslingerRoland Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 Yes but when your spouse is the direct cause of those "terrible things"? Isn't she also supposed to work through whatever issues cause her to want to stray, rather than jumping into bed with another man? Seems like you're not judging her by the same yardstick you use to judge yourself. For me, if one person breaks the vows, then they are broken. If the BS chooses to end the marriage, they are not "running away from a problem", they are asserting a boundary that they established very early on: infidelity is unacceptable in a marriage or committed relationship. I am not saying infidelity is right. I'm saying you work through problems including terrible things that the other person has done. The vows do say to forsake all others, they don't say that once someone screws up they are null and void. Link to post Share on other sites
2.50 a gallon Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 I too loved my wife. The world was full of beautiful women, and I gave up on all of them, just for her. She was also to be the mother of my children. When I caught her, the marriage was over. And part of the reasoning was indeed the money. There was no way I could trust her to being a mother of my kids. What if she cheated again and maybe moved out taking the kids?. I would have to pay. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 According to a stat I read here quite a long time ago, most people make an initial attempt to reconcile. The numbers were somewhat surprising to me; it was 90+% of betrayed women and 80+% of betrayed men. I think it also depends on how one defines "reconcile". If you don't throw your WS's possessions out on the front lawn on DDay, is that an attempted reconciliation? If, while in shock, you go through hysterical bonding - does that count? If you rugsweep only to have the damage emerge over the years as resentment, anger and dissension, have you tried to reconcile? If defined as a honest attempt by both partners to use all the tools, including IC and MC, to forgive and reconnect, I'd guess the percentages are quite low. And that makes sense, overcoming infidelity one of the biggest challenges a marriage can face... Mr. Lucky 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Betrayed&Stayed Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 I would NEVER choose to reconcile from infidelity. I don't care of the circumstances, its a deal breaker for me. So why do so many men choose to reconcile? The number is just way to high in my opinion. Is this just a sign of the weakness of men? Is it that they stand too much to lose financially? Or does it have to do with something else? Frankly I'm a little disgusted at the number of men that choose to reconcile. It is kind of sad to me that many men would let a woman walk all over them like that. What say you? First off the bat, the "I would NEVER choose to reconcile" is what everyone says before it happens to them. That was my thought process until... Second, choosing to reconcile is not a one-time decision. It is a process. For me, it was a process that I was willing to begin and see what happens. I was willing to begin the process (in other words, give it a shot) because of several factors: (1) At the time I had young children that would have been severely traumatized by divorce, (2) my WW confessed and was willing to do all of the right things. (3) Financially it made sense. I owed it to my kids to give a chance. If we did not have kids, then I'm certain that I would have given up at some point. Probably sooner than later. If my WW did not put forth the effort into the marriage, IC, and MC then I would have walked away. If we had a crappy marriage/relationship (outside of her A) then I would have walked. I valued our marriage enough to offer a second chance. Choosing to stay is not clemency, it is more like probation. I had very high expectations for my WW if I was going to offer her the chance of staying married to me. If she violated her "parole" in any way then my second chance would have been rescinded. My situation is bit different in that my D-Day was years after her affair. That put her A into a different perspective compared to me busting her with her AP during her affair. Had I found out then, then I would have kicked her to the curb; no doubt in my mind. Time and birth of two kids changes the circumstances drastically. Weak for staying? Considering it is so much easier to walk away, I think that only the strong ones can stay. Walking all over me? During her affair she did, obviously. Since D-Day, not a chance in hell. As a BS I am very aware of the dynamics of our marriage and I don't put up with any nonsense. At anytime she insists on "walking all over me" I'm out the door, and she knows it. Never say "Never"; that is what her affair has taught me (among 100s of other life lessons). 3 Link to post Share on other sites
JohnAdams Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 Betrayed and Stayed, you make some good points. "First off the bat, the "I would NEVER choose to reconcile" is what everyone says before it happens to them. That was my thought process until..." I certainly would have never thought I would stay in a marriage after adultery. It is easy to be an armchair analyst if you do not have the experience. "Second, choosing to reconcile is not a one-time decision. It is a process. For me, it was a process that I was willing to begin and see what happens. I was willing to begin the process (in other words, give it a shot) because of several factors: (1) At the time I had young children that would have been severely traumatized by divorce, (2) my WW confessed and was willing to do all of the right things. (3) Financially it made sense. I owed it to my kids to give a chance." I also had young children. I did not want to break up our family. I did not want another man raising my children. My WW confessed. Financially, there was no way we could afford two households. It was also mentioned that men do not like change. That also had a bearing on my decision. You need time to process what happened. I do not think throwing in the towel even after a couple of years is outside the scope of possibilities. A person can reach a point that they just cannot live with this type of betrayal. Love is a major if not primary reason for staying. I know how can they love you and do this to you. I know they all say it had nothing to do with you, but it feels like it was done directly to you. If you do not have a strong baseline love you do not stand a chance of reconciliation and even with love, love may not be enough. So, is a man weak to stay? No, I do not think so. It does not necessarily mean you are strong either. Circumstances drive the ability to reconcile more than anything in my opinion. With the circumstances being just a little different, we would have divorced. You cannot put a blanket statement on reconcile or divorce and I do not think you can accurately answer that question until it happens to you. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 I think it also depends on how one defines "reconcile". If you don't throw your WS's possessions out on the front lawn on DDay, is that an attempted reconciliation? If, while in shock, you go through hysterical bonding - does that count? If you rugsweep only to have the damage emerge over the years as resentment, anger and dissension, have you tried to reconcile? If defined as a honest attempt by both partners to use all the tools, including IC and MC, to forgive and reconnect, I'd guess the percentages are quite low. And that makes sense, overcoming infidelity one of the biggest challenges a marriage can face... Mr. Lucky Yeah, wish I could refer back to the initial article but I've no recollection where those numbers came from. I don't recall thinking that an attempt to reconcile meant that both partners were all-in. I think it just meant that the betrayed spouse decided to "try." As you now know, my position on reconciling begins with the wayward demonstrating true remorse. Until that happens, my default position is to file and keep proceeding towards divorce. I doubt true remorse is happening in 80-90% of the cases. But feigned remorse probably happens a lot (damage control, as I explained above). My wife agreed to immediately end the affair, was already in IC, went to MC, became fully transparent, endured endless questioning, etc.. But she wasn't really remorseful. It took a while to figure that out. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted February 10, 2016 Share Posted February 10, 2016 Can I share something? I am a FWW....I confessed....and for 32 years I have done everything i know to do to show my husband that the choice he made to give me a second chance...was the right one. While there are those who view reconciliation as a weakness...let me share with you the view from this side of the equation... I see my husband as a man of commitment....a man of great strength....a man of admiration and respect. He made the choice to allow me to stay.....and 32 years later...I cannot begin to tell you how grateful i am. He treats me with kindness and love and respect. He does not control me. He allows me to set my boundaries of transparency ...he never demands. He knows that i will do everything i can to prove to him that i was worth the risk. My husband is a kind and gentle man....but he is strong in his principles....and he does not allow others to walk all over him. He is quiet by nature... He will tolerate much...but when you cross his line...you know it I know...what i did....I know i crossed his line Weak? no..... Calling those who reconcile weak....is not only an insult...it shows that those who label others as weak have no idea of the strength that those who reconcile possess. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted February 10, 2016 Share Posted February 10, 2016 reconciliation and divorce....there is no competition Everyone loses where infidelity occurs Why must we choose who is the weaker...who is the stronger? We do what we think is best for our own situations...calling someone the weaker proves nothing. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted February 10, 2016 Share Posted February 10, 2016 IMO, it takes a lot of personal willpower and strength to accept past pain, leave it in the past, and move forward. That can pertain to any past pain, including that from infidelity. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted February 10, 2016 Share Posted February 10, 2016 Foundations can be patched.The stability will not be the same. I recall a guy who loved cheating on his wife. It was a sport to him.When I inquired why he doesn't divorce, he chimed " I built my business and I"ll be derned if she gets half of it". I said ....so instead she gets the house to live in , all the bills paid ,a car, health insurance,vacations. Yeah I can see how you don't want her to have a dime of your hard earned money. Married in name folks are a peculiar lot. Pride seems to dictate what is tolerable. The Op sounds like the OW, questioning from a perspective of why the spouse stays and doesn't leave for them. I could be wrong though. Link to post Share on other sites
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