Possibly depressed and with a narcissistic partner

[badluckldr]

My SO (26/m) and I (26/f) have been in an LDR relationship for 11 months now. We met online while I was working abroad. After one week of texting and skyping I flew to his country to meet him. He was amazing and that weekend was the best of my life. Ever since we are together. It didn’t take long until we had our first argument over Skype. He is black (I am brown) and got over-sensitive about something I said and called me a racist. Then he just hung up in my face. Back then I did not realize what kind of man he is. I really wanted to be with this man and I am the person who fights for what she wants, so I sent him a lengthy apology text, saying that we had an issue of communication there. I told him how hurt I was that he called me a racist, since I have been the victim of racism many times, too. I asked him not to: 1) Call me a racist again, 2) Talk bad about by family or 3) Insult my religion. He apologized for calling me filth and hanging up on me. This was something I was not used to; my ex-fiancé never apologized and so I thought he is an amazing man, he is reasonable and we can work things out. I am starting to believe that I am fooling myself, once again.

 

 

Flashback: Before I met my SO I was in a very bad relationship in an LDR, who insulted me, whose family dissed me through Social Media to the point that I was crying so much, I couldn’t go to work, and who broke up with me 3 times. The third time he broke up with me was two weeks after our official engagement. I was living in his country with him at that time. I still had one week left there. That was one of the worst weeks of my life. When I returned home I found out I was pregnant. I told him and he told me I was bluffing. He didn’t believe me. I was ready for a baby, but I’m not ready to be a single-mother. I had to terminate the pregnancy. During that time I had severe depressions. I had hardly anyone to talk to, but the worst part was that I couldn’t talk with my parents about it. I didn’t want anyone to try to influence my decision. My depression lasted for months (I was never diagnosed, though), I stayed in the house all the time, missed classes at Uni. I almost dropped out. Now, people know me as that ambitious, strong woman. But I was nothing of that during that time. At some point I told myself I need to pull myself up and not let anyone mess with my future. So I went back to Uni and graduated. During this time I also found out that my ex-fiancé cheated on me with prostitutes. That knocked me out for an entire day. I was crying nonstop and wasn’t able to do anything else. I wish I wouldn’t be so emotionally involved with my partners; I am trying not to be, but it is really hard. For almost 2 years I haven’t been in any relationships. Until I met my SO.

 

 

So my SO knows all of this. I told him all of this right in the beginning. It almost escalated very badly, because I was in touch with my ex until the day after the first weekend with my SO. That was when I made the decision to cut all ties with him, because I realized I could love again and I could be happy without that guy. Fast forward to when my ex posted suicidal stuff on FB and my parents asked me to check on him if he is alright. I did and he held a huge knife on Skype and threatened to kill himself if I break off all ties. The whole situation escalated, which led to the consequence, that I blocked him on all communication channels. That’s when I finally closed that chapter. My SO knew all of this and I also told him the only reason I contacted him after I met my SO that weekend, was to end all forms of communication with that guy. Instead of ending things he sticked with me. So he actually knows how damaged and scared I am and how hard it is for me to trust somebody.

 

 

Once again I thought, what an amazing man. But down the line I realized we argue a lot. And I don’t think it’s normal. I stayed some time with him in his country and there we had really awful fights. Several times he told me to leave “his” apartment (which we both paid). In all those times, I mentioned once that I also paid my share and he totally freaked out. He called me names, said I behave like the girls in his country, that jab was unneccessary and didn’t let me sleep in the bed. I ended up falling asleep on the bathroom floor. That was the first time I told my Mom and cousin that we argued. They were shocked that he called me names. I wanted to change my flight to go back home asap, but it was not possible and I had no money for that, too. In fact, I got into debt ever since I met my SO, because LDRs are pretty expensive. My cousin told me he is emotionally abusive. I didn’t give it much thought at that time. The next morning we made up, but it happened again that he asked me to leave. We have major arguments followed by good phases. These are just a few examples:

 

 

1) He caught an UTI or something and accused me of cheating on him at work. At that time I was working as a waitress around the corner from our place. I was devastated for him accusing me of that. First I asked him if he is sure he didn’t cheat on me. He got so mad, I really got scared. He has this way of giving lengthy speeches with such an authority. He never gets loud, he just argues you to death. And then there’s this, which I realized he does often and I already called him out on it and said it is “mindf***”: to approach an argument or issues, he asks me questions like I’m at the police or somewhere. So many questions, which I am only allowed to answer with yes or no. I question my sanity during these interrogations and it happens very often, that I don’t know anymore about what we argued and why. In that moment when he was arguing that he got that UTI or whatever from me, I knew I lost even though I was innocent; but how could I have proved him wrong? There was no way of proving him he was wrong. He made me pack my things. He told me I could go to the place of the guy I was f*****. I told him there was no one, but he didn’t believe me. I wanted to take a bottle of water with me, but he didn’t allow me to. He said it was his water. I went to take a shower and shaved my legs; it was summer, in summer I shave my legs everyday, because I wear dresses. He saw that and said “wow, you are f***** somebody else”. I got so mad, like never before. He was an absolute punk. For the first time in my life I totally lost control of myself. I was holding something in my hand, I just saw black, screamed “I DID NOT!” and threw it at him. He was laughing. He said he would drop me off to a homeless shelter, still believing I cheated on him. I couldn’t anymore. This was my worst nightmare, I felt like back when my ex-fiancé broke up with me. It was in a situation I had zero control of. I broke down. I fell to the floor, I was sobbing and hyperventilating, I couldn’t move. That was when he realized he had gone too far. We made up again. I asked him to never do such thing again. He told me that all his exes cheated on him and that he was “damaged” because of that (it took me a long time for him to admit that he was damaged). Months later I asked him how he actually knew they cheated on him. He told me it was a gut feeling. REALLY????? So after that it would happen during our LDR that he would randomly pick fights out of the blue, just because he dreamed I cheated on him, for example. And almost every time we fight he beaks up with me. Why does he do that when knows what I have been through? I am starting to believe that I am still depressed and that this emotional rollercoaster is making it worse. By the way, months later I saw an ObGyn in my home country and she found out that I did have something down there. I contracted it when I was using the pool in the dorm and we were intimate right after that. I told him that because for me it was important to prove that I was innocent. He laughed and said that topic was closed for him and he believed my word already back then.

 

 

2) I went for a summer school to another country and he was passive-aggressive about it. In those two weeks I felt like we were arguing everyday. I was crying in front of my roommate-I felt so embarrassed. The worst fight was when I told him I was offered a PhD scholarship. He got really mad and said I keep changing my plans, he is not my priority and I can do the f*** whatever I want, he will focus on his studies. That was another breakup. I felt really restricted. He knew that I was unhappy with my current career. I always wanted to study something else, but wasn’t admitted in my home country, as the selection process is very hard. Also, everybody knows I am focused on a good career and independence. I felt like he was bringing me to my knees. I was so stupid, I just wanted peace with him, so I told him I won’t do the PhD, he is more important. Well, the argument carried on, as usual, where he even insulted my religion. Something I asked him not to do. Later on he crossed that line several times. He also called my family names. I asked him in the beginning not to do these things. I felt like he did it intentionally. You can guess it, we made up and things went back to normal.

 

 

3) Another major argument was when he knew everything about me except one thing: I cheated on my first boyfriend with my ex-fiancé. I broke up with my ex bf the moment I got back home and I ended up being in a 2 year on and off relationship with my ex-fiancé. I didn’t cheat for the thrill. I was in love. I felt awful during that time. Now, when I met my SO we poured out our hearts when we met the first time. But who would bring up that topic on the first date? He would have never agreed to meet me again, ever. Also, I am so ashamed of that chapter of my life that I repress that memory. It is something I hate to think about. Being with my SO and months into it, I told myself I didn’t want anything to stand in between us. A white lie is still a lie, after all. We had weeks of no arguing and I truly believed we got over all that s***. So I thought I could be honest with him. Mistake. The whole thing backfired. He called me a w***, b**** and what not. He broke up with me once again. After I begged him not to leave he texted me that we would be back to square one if I tattooed his name on my body. I told him that it’s against my religion. I never wanted tattoos. Now he was forcing me into it. He really put so much pressure on me, that was the first time I was considering breaking up with him. Later on I would consider it more often. He said I could get it when he came to my home country. Weeks passed and he let me believe he was serious about it. Later on he told me he wasn’t. Things went back to normal.

 

 

4) In the time he was in my home country with me we had so many arguments. After we moved to a new place it was almost nonstop. Most of the time he starts them. It was then I realized I changed into a different person. Our arguments totally got out of hand. He never realized through how much pain he put me. I started cutting myself. I felt that was the only way I could express myself, since he didn’t seem to understand my words. I also felt like I had to punish myself. I was so miserable. The first time he saw what I did he really got scared, held me and said we’d stay together forever, that he wouldn’t leave me. He can be really nice, nicer than any of my 2 exes. That is the reason why I am still with him. But I realized now he does that because it is necessary to keep me. He alternates between being nice and that super-*******, about which he actually warned me about in the beginning. I just didn’t believe it then. Unfortunately, I continued hurting myself every time we argued. Once I was bleeding all over my arm, he saw it and said I just did that to get attention from him. He said he didn’t care and left. One time I let go of the plate I was holding in my hand. It fell to the floor and broke. I didn’t throw it. I literally just let go of it because he was talking and lecturing me and made me listen and I was tired of it. He jumped up and ran towards me. I never saw him angry like that. I was hoping he would beat me up so I had a solid reason to leave this relationship. But he didn’t. One other time we argued and he broke up, once again, and told me he would send the pictures of me I sent to him to my parents so they would see that I am not innocent anymore. He did that on purpose because he knew that my ex-fiancé actually did that. (He sent images of me in underwear to my entire family (even my uncles), to spoil my reputation. In our culture it’s one of the worst things if a woman’s reputation is spoilt like that.) I got so mad I saw black again and screamed that he isn’t better than my ex. I grabbed what was closest-a chair- and threw it at him. I missed him and he laughed and said he was trolling me. I broke down again. I have never been this violent or agitated during arguments. Also this thing that I see black has never happened to me before.

 

 

5) I thought long about our situation and read stuff online about emotionally abusive partners. Somewhere I found symptoms of a narcissist. I realized he was one. I confronted him about it, he laughed and said “You realize that only now?” We went together through the checklist. It was more like a fun game to him, he was laughing when he ticked off stuff like a) he is using financial means to control me b) he is trying to isolate me from family and friends and c) he is reportedly crossing my boundaries and ignoring my requests. I didn’t expect such behavior and was really shocked. From then on I called him a narcissist whenever he did his manipulative s*** (funny enough, he called me a manipulator at the beginning). I realized he reflects a lot that he does or is on me. He says I’m judgmental, for example, and that may be true. But he is the worst. I say something totally innocent over the phone and he says I’m judging him. Then he goes on with his rant until it totally escalates, I cry and he just hangs up. Example follows in a bit.

 

 

6) He made a big fuss about the fact that I didn’t tell my father about him. We argued but eventually I told my dad about him. It was too early, in my opinion, but he pushed me. He wanted to meet my family. He did and complained how boring it was at our place etc. All he did was complain. My dad gave him a gift. When we were alone I asked him if I should put it in his bag, because we were moving to a different place. He told me to throw it away. I got so upset. He didn’t even open it. I never met such spoilt and ungrateful person in my life. I cried and he didn’t even understand why I was upset and made another huge drama about it. He didn’t accept the gift and I somehow dealt with it. Fast forward to 2 months later: My mom wanted to see him again before he left and he promised her he would. When I asked him to come to my parents’ house with me all of a sudden he refused and cause another major drama. While I was on the phone with my dad and I was already upset enough because my dad compared my relationships with a monkey that is jumping from tree to tree, he thought my dad insulted him when he never did. My dad may say hurtful things to me but he is not a low-class act, he is a gentleman and civilized. My SO went on to insult me, my religion, my family, called me names and of course, broke up with me again. He just left, came back later while I was with my bff on the phone and sobbing. He told me that he is moving out. A “girl” was waiting outside for him. I got so mad, I hung up and went to him and asked him to repeat that. He laughed and said he was trolling me. He hugged me and said he didn’t want to leave. I was unhappy he didn’t want to see my family one last time before he left. That led to the next argument the same night. He told me to leave, once again, even though we shared costs. I got so mad I made sure I threw all our food away because I was convinced he was seeing someone else. A few days prior we had a huge argument because I saw the number of an “Instagram thot” on his phone (he saved it under that name). When I asked him who that was and was crying, accusing him of cheating, he said I broke his trust by just taking his phone and wouldn’t tell me. Hence, I was convinced there was someone else and because I knew of his player past I wanted to make sure whoever shared the apartment with him after I left would not profit from my work. I know it was dramatic but I was just so mad. The fight drew on the entire night and the next day, with phases of making up. But the arguments were stronger and eventually I wrote a goodbye letter. I couldn’t anymore. I even told my mom and sister that it was over. He saw me write something, I took the letter with me to the bathroom, locked the door, stood under the shower and sobbed. All of a sudden he knocked against the door, begging me to open the door. I told him to wait, opened the door, he stormed in and hugged me and said he was scared like never in his life I would do something to myself. I broke down again and told him I cannot do this up and down anymore. He asked me what to do to save our relationship. I told him to go to couple’s therapy with me once we can afford it, because clearly, I am not the only one with issues. I went home and he followed a few days later. He made such a fuss but in the end, stayed the rest of his stay with my family. Later on he said he really liked it there and would come anytime again and that he liked my family. He even went to my Uncle’s house and met my entire extended family. Everyone liked him. Once again, all that drama for nothing.

 

 

7) He never raised his hand against me but he has violent tendencies. I first noticed when we got intimate. I once asked him about it and he made fun of me every time something similar came up. He is very goofy and playful but takes it too far sometimes. Once he pushed me hard against the cupboard and another time he wanted to “play” with me while I was doing work. He pushed me to the floor, held me down with one hand and spanked me with the other. I felt humiliated and cried. He said I was dramatic. Another time, when he was at my parents house, we had an argument. I just wanted peace, so I said we’re ok and wanted to leave. He said we’re not done and grabbed my throat when I wanted to leave. I was shocked. I almost cried, but held it together because I was at home. I asked him if he’s mad? He said he couldn’t find another place to hold me back. I told him he could have pulled me by the hips, but the throat??? Clearly, he was scared in that moment and apologized. I don’t know if he was genuinely scared or scared I could call my father. He denies that he has this violent tendencies and makes me seem like I’m crazy. He says I am violent. Which is unfortunately true, given the reactions I had since I’m in a relationship with him. He has his ways of manipulating people, I’ve seen him do it with other people and realize he’s been doing it with me all the time so he can have his “obedient” girlfriend.

 

 

8) The reason I am writing this is our latest argument. He was supposed to book a flight for me. I asked him for a screenshot before he confirmed it because I wanted to make sure I was on the same flight like my family. He got mad and said I didn’t trust him. I told him I double-check on everyone, even my own mother. Anyway, he couldn’t book that day so he did it the next. Before he confirmed he asked me sarcastic if I want to see a screenshot. I refused because I feared another argument. He booked and then we spoke over the phone. He started with his sarcasm, telling me I am this person doing that-he was judging me. I called him out on that, he turned the whole thing around, saying I don’t trust him etc. This time I couldn’t put up with it and said I am sick and tired of this, he used filth, f*** several times and then, “F**** you!” and hung up. A few minutes later I realized he did book the wrong flight. I couldn’t change it anymore. I was madder than ever. We didn’t talk for a day. This happened a few times before. I was always the one who broke the silence but this time not. He texted me after a day, apologized, said he needed to control his emotions better but for the first time, this didn’t calm me down. When I didn’t reply within an hour, he called me but I didn’t pick up. I texted back that I am very hurt and need time to cool off, I didn’t want to argue or cry anymore, so just let it cool off. The next day I was ok and texted him. He never texted back. This was two days ago. Now I am really fed up of all this s***. I feel treated very unfairly and not appreciated.

 

 

Sometimes I doubt myself and ask myself if this is my fault? This is the second time I am caught up in a bad relationship. If I had known how he really is, I wouldn’t have gotten together with him. I told him so often, that after my bad engagement I need someone loving and caring. I thought my SO was that person. I am broken and damaged and depressed and I fight every day to become that strong, ambitious person I once was. I feel like my ex-fiancé and SO have fun destroying a “strong person” into pieces of herself. I am a wreck. I don’t want to be with men who treat me like s****. I do everything for my SO. I am not a woman who needs gifts etc. but a little appreciation, is that too much to ask for? I buy him gifts, expensive ones, gave him cash from the little social service money I receive (I am unemployed and that is hard on me, too) when he left. When we argue I never bring up those things. He does it, almost every time. Recently he told me he doesn’t want me to talk with anyone about our arguments. I understand that, because my mom witnessed twice already how bad our arguments got and I always imagine, how embarrassing would that be if we were married and everybody gets to know any of this? (He asked me very early on if I loved him; I did but I did not want to say it out loud at that time because it was too early to say it, but I felt I had no other choice. A few weeks later he already asked me if I would marry him; I said yes.) But sometimes I think this is just one of his other tactics to control and isolate me. I once went to see a therapist but she sent me away, saying it was too much for her to process and that I needed a therapist with my cultural background. I just think she was a bad therapist, but I never tried after that again and said I can deal with it myself. I am better now, I started to write down my thoughts and I know I don’t need to be in a relationship like this.

 

 

To be fair, he also has very good qualities. Financially, he helps me a lot, something I am not used to in relationships. I once had a huge problem and nobody could or wanted to help me. He was the only one there for me. Currently we are trying to find a way how I can study my dream subject and he is willing to do some sacrifices for me. Also, the fact that he met my entire family and behaved well means a lot to me. When I was sick he treated me very good. When we are not arguing he sends me the sweetest texts and promises to never leave me, even if he calls me names and we argue. We have great conversations, when I have an issue I can always talk with him about it and he cheers me up. Regarding my unemployment, several times we were sitting together and he came up with ideas for my career. He supports me and boasts about me all the time. I already met all of his friends and family. He says I’m amazing for believing in him and supporting him and he never met a girl like me. I believe him when he says he loves me and there are moments when I am really happy with him. Also, he realizes I have issues and tries to help me to get through them.

 

 

I am so confused. I am sick and tired of all the ups and downs but I also fear the pain of a break up. Sometimes when we argue I just wish my heart would stop beating so I can get out of all of this. I used to be a heart patient and wish I was one again. I know this is sick. But I cannot deal with any sort of emotional pain anymore. To end my life on my own… I don’t think I could gather the courage. I know its wrong and it’s also forbidden in my religion and also a very selfish act. I am really scared to loose him but it is also a strain to be with him. He promises to change, right before he left he said he would but it took two weeks for him to get back to his old self. I am starting to believe he won’t ever change. We are so deep in this relationship-even my nephews and nieces met him. I know this sounds ridiculous but I cannot stand another relationship-failure in front of my family. I feel like I am cursed. (I cannot even find a job with a Master’s degree and working experience. The broken up engagement was bad enough.) I am a fighter. I hate giving up on things. What would you do? Stay and fight? He is reasonable, after all (AFTER we argue). I know I made mistakes (like the cheating-story), I have my flaws, too. I genuinely love him and he can be a good person. He said a few time he wants to be a better person because of me. It always sounds so convincing to me. He also realizes after our arguments how crappy he treats me. I don’t want to go through another break up. Is he really emotionally abusive and/or a narcissist? Am I codependent? Too sensitive? I really don’t want to try again with a therapist because telling all of this costs me a lot of strength. As I am writing this it is hard for me not to cry. Is anyone of you in a relationship similar to this (narcissist, emotional abuse) and how do you deal with it?

[VeveCakes]

This relationship is incredibly toxic. Yelling, name calling, throwing things?

 

Counselling, asap. Otherwise end it now before someone gets hurt.

[basil67]

You say you can't bear the pain of a breakup. Have you considered that breaking up with him may come as a relief? I also suspect that your parents would rather see you out of a toxic relationship than staying and being unhappy.

 

How about using your fighting personality to get yourself out of there. Fight for freedom from this instead of fighting to stay in a toxic situation.