Why do Cheating Spouses cloy to their BS!

[Just a Guy]

Hi folks, I had a question for the forum members. I understand that people may not know specific reasons for this but intelligent guesses will do. To amplify, I have to say that a cheating spouse is a) Disrespecting his/her BS and b) Breaking the trust that the BS unconditionally repose in them and c) They do not really love them any more. So why do they hang around painting a false picture for others including their unfortunate BS? This also includes those cheaters who suffer from regret and remorse after the fact and want to desperately hang on to their BS. Thanks for answering.

[Jersey born raised]

You can't lump the regretful spouces with the unregretful spouses. As to the unregretful ones, they have cone to hate their spouse andvare marking time until they are ready to move on.

[dichotomy]

As to the unregretful ones, they have cone to hate their spouse andvare marking time until they are ready to move on.

 

Not always the case.

[dreamingoftigers]

I think a lot of WS are conflict-avoidant and can say what they want, need or really feel without a ton of fear. So they project that onto the BS as "they make it so hard for me to be me" or "they don't meet my needs and don't care" (whinge). They also aren't brave enough to leave because the BS DOES meet, lets say, 70% of their needs just on a day-to-day basis.

 

So along comes AP, who can fill on the other 30%. Just because they whinge to AP about all of this "missing stuff" that they don't share with their spouse because they are scared of offending them or losing them.

 

So when the poop hits the oscillating appliances, the WS goes "oh crap I'm going to lose 70% of my need-fulfillment unless I ditch that other 30%. I'm not willing to disrupt my life that much. This is, after all, my partner's fault for only meeting 70% of my needs and they should be able to see it and get over it. I mean, my partner's a " nice person " and all. They'll get it."

[carhill]

OP, for a public example of 'why', examine the marriage, at least what of it is on the public record, of the current front runner for POTUS, Hillary Clinton.

 

People do what benefits them and, yup, that sometimes means using other people, even people who love and trust them. It goes on every day. Sometimes it's open and honest and sometimes it's fogged in deception and subterfuge.

 

Why? Their id wins the battle with the superego and the ego is impotent in negotiating healthy boundaries. We've all experienced this in life in different ways. None of us who's alive is immune, though some of us have experienced the ego successfully negotiating healthy boundaries with regards to relationship infidelity.

[road]

WS's do not cloy. They grow cold, act distant, cut of sex to their BS. Common move on WW's to deny sex to their BH so they are faithful to their OM.

[BetrayedH]

For many, I think it is simple damage control. They thought they'd never be caught. And now the fantasy bubble has burst. Their life is falling apart. The BS may be exposing to everyone (family, kids, workplace). They scramble to minimize the damage.

[Just a Guy]

Thanks folks for your responses. BetrayedH, although I get your point, what I meant when I said cloy was why do wayward spouses continue with a charade when they havent been exposed but yet are more in love with their APs than their spouses. They could just as easily leave especially if they are financially independent. Road, by cloy I meant ' stick with' without the 'Love' and attendent trappings of a loving marriage.

To me it indicates a degree of selfishness and self centeredness on the part of the cheating spouse. The attitude seems to be" I can have my cake and eat it too". Also I think cheaters who stick with their spouses for selfish reasons are particularly heartless. Just my thoughts!

[road]

Thanks folks for your responses. BetrayedH, although I get your point, what I meant when I said cloy was why do wayward spouses continue with a charade when they havent been exposed but yet are more in love with their APs than their spouses. They could just as easily leave especially if they are financially independent. Road, by cloy I meant ' stick with' without the 'Love' and attendent trappings of a loving marriage.

To me it indicates a degree of selfishness and self centeredness on the part of the cheating spouse. The attitude seems to be" I can have my cake and eat it too". Also I think cheaters who stick with their spouses for selfish reasons are particularly heartless. Just my thoughts!

 

 

The word Cloy was not suitable to convey you meaning.

 

 

As to why they do not dump there dud BH for their stud OM is simple. Most WW's are looking to get laid not get divorced. They have no problem parting their legs and just because they part their legs for the OM does not mean that they want to part with their BH, marriage, family.

 

 

While looking up the definition of the word Cloy look up the phrase: cake eater, having their cake and eating it to.

[cocorico]

Thanks folks for your responses. BetrayedH, although I get your point, what I meant when I said cloy was why do wayward spouses continue with a charade when they havent been exposed but yet are more in love with their APs than their spouses. They could just as easily leave especially if they are financially independent. Road, by cloy I meant ' stick with' without the 'Love' and attendent trappings of a loving marriage.

To me it indicates a degree of selfishness and self centeredness on the part of the cheating spouse. The attitude seems to be" I can have my cake and eat it too". Also I think cheaters who stick with their spouses for selfish reasons are particularly heartless. Just my thoughts!

 

They don't all do this. Once we decided we wanted to be together FT, he informed the BS and when the logistics were sorted, he dumped her. But before that, during the A, there was no "charade". There was just sticking it out, avoiding the BS, waiting until the kids were old enough to face another split.

 

There may be some who continue a pretence, perhaps because they feel sorry for the BS, or perhaps because they are still ambivalent in their affections.