feeling down after talking to coworker's success with women

[MarcoInaros]

I went out to happy hour with my coworker yesterday. We are both in our mid thirties. The discussion went from work to eventually women. He went at length on his sexual accomplishments, all the girls he [had sex with] in his 20s, and his current relationship. He also talked about guys we mutually know and their successes with women.

 

This made me mad, and depressed. Because I don't have as much experience as he does. In fact, I have almost none. I haven't really kissed a girl or done anything beyond that. But there was no way I wanted to tell him that. I was resentful how he has had success with women while I haven't, even there is nothing inherently better about him than me.

 

I also resent how none of my friends have really helped me throughout my life in the dating world. I've never been set up with someone, or introduced. My social life isn't that great, so I think that is one reason. But I think he and other coworkers and friends of mine should have helped me more before being in this situation in my mid thirties.

 

I guess this is a two pronged problem, because I am depressed after talking to him and others who talk about their successes, but I am depressed with my own lack of success and feeling as if I really missed out when I was younger, and now.

Edited January 31, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[carhill]

1. Talk is talk.

 

2. Accept the past.

 

Where do you want to go from here? That's your mission.

[d0nnivain]

Turn him into a source. Ask him what he does to be so successful & emulate what works for you. Ask him if his GF knows anybody to fix you up with.

 

 

Remember though, his bragging could be all lies.

[spiderowl]

He's probably boasting about half of his 'successes'. Bear in mind that the women he encountered may not have viewed him in the same light at all.

 

I am not sure why you haven't dated women, whether it is lack of confidence or something else that has prevented you? Others are not responsible for increasing your chances. If shyness is hindering you from meeting someone, then see if you can get on a self-esteem course or CBT or something. Negative self-talk does not help.

 

I do not date guys very often though I do get asked out on occasions and it would happen more if I encouraged guys (which I rarely do). If there was one thing I would say to guys who want to date women, it is to get some nice(ish) clothes, be very clean, wash, have haircut, shave beard and trim to make it neat, always brush teeth before date and regularly, and wear nice light aftershave or deodorant. It makes such a difference and yet many guys don't realise this. Women are sensitive to scent.

 

I am not implying by the above that you are one of the great unwashed. I am simply mentioning what puts me off 50% of the guys I meet. It just gives the impression they don't care, aren't that interested in women and certainly won't go to any trouble for them. A guy who looks neat(ish), smells great and has a friendly, warm personality, is miles ahead in terms of dating prospects.

 

The rest of the chances tend to come down to knowing lots of people. Networking in different social circles, so you know someone almost everywhere you go. That is work, especially if you are introverted like I am. If you want to date, it's the best way to go about it, to get involved in different activities or societies, take up invites to all sorts of things, be warm and friendly and take the initiative to start conversations.

 

Finally, take risks and ask women out, if only for a coffee. Whatever happens, you can congratulate yourself for having the courage to do it. I have been asked out by very good-looking and socially able guys in the past and turned them down. I turned them down because I was inexperienced and painfully shy. They probably thought I was rejecting them personally. I have kicked myself since for missing opportunities with really nice guys. There are all sorts of reasons why women turn men down. If you don't take risks, you have very little chance of dating because that is the first thing a guy does - asks the woman to spend time with him. It's a fundamental part of the process of forming a relationship.

[MarcoInaros]

Thanks. I know those things. I am a 36 year old professional. I make a middle class income and I am self sufficient. I know how to take care of myself. I'm an adult.

 

It doesn't matter how much I improve myself. I've been improving myself for the past five years by dressing better and going to the gym. I can't do this on my own. I've been alone my whole life and no one has helped me with the opposite sex. I've been to clubs alone, bars alone, I went to singles events alone, concerts, I walk around town alone. I'm alone this weekend. I see people out and about but I have no one to be with. I have to have friends and a social circle to help me out.

 

I just became so depressed when he was talking about the successes he had. I was thinking about sending him a facebook message about it, but I am hesitating because he's my coworker.

Edited January 31, 2016 by lostjeff

[carhill]

Work on the friends stuff first. Male friends. Ones who don't brag about sexual conquests. They're out there.

[bu2002]

There a few things that need to happen

 

1) You have to stop feeling sorry for yourself and stop resenting those around you for not helping you out. I don't know if you have a close friend you can talk to you about this, but it not, go see a therapist or behavioral professional. This has to be corrected before you can start pursuing women.

 

2) Continue to network. Through work, joining meetup.com groups or whatever. It's really about building rapport with others and keeping your social skills sharpeneded.

 

3) Start researching online dating. Don't just jump right into it, but start reading about what works and building a strategy. Google Adam Gilad online dating and read all of his stuff. From a man's perspective, it's the best there is out there. Most other articles about online dating are generic and say the same thing.

 

4) Once you've take care of #1 and #3, you can jump in online. You just need to gain more experience dating right now. Just to build confidence with girls. You'll be less nervous after each first date. LIke with #2, a part of this is sharpening dating/social skills around women.

[spiderowl]

Thanks. I know those things. I am a 36 year old professional. I make a middle class income and I am self sufficient. I know how to take care of myself. I'm an adult.

 

It doesn't matter how much I improve myself. I've been improving myself for the past five years by dressing better and going to the gym. I can't do this on my own. I've been alone my whole life and no one has helped me with the opposite sex. I've been to clubs alone, bars alone, I went to singles events alone, concerts, I walk around town alone. I'm alone this weekend. I see people out and about but I have no one to be with. I have to have friends and a social circle to help me out.

 

I just became so depressed when he was talking about the successes he had. I was thinking about sending him a facebook message about it, but I am hesitating because he's my coworker.

 

Sorry, wasn't intending to be patronising. It's just that many guys do miss the obvious so I thought it worth mentioning.

 

You are going out alone which is good. You are out there and giving yourself chance to meet people. What seems to be missing is making the connection with others, building bridges. Do you smile and say hello to people? Are you engaging them in conversation, asking them about themselves? It's about increasing familiarity so they feel you are one of their friends not a stranger.

 

I went through a stage of going out regularly to music groups and by going to different groups got to know different people. Then occasionally I'd bump into someone who went to more than one group, or did so occasionally. It is a good way of getting to know a lot of people, different groups. But, like you, I have trouble getting from chatting to finding a relationship, building that bond with the right person. I find I can build it with people I'm not interested in in that way but go terribly reserved and distant with guys who interest me, thus shooting myself in the foot. This is the issue I have, but I do know that mixing across groups and activities is a good way of increasing opportunities if you know how to take them.

[d0nnivain]

I've been alone my whole life and no one has helped me with the opposite sex.

 

 

I have to have friends and a social circle to help me out.

 

I was thinking about sending him a facebook message about it, but I am hesitating because he's my coworker.

 

 

I don't completely understand what you mean by no one has helped you with the opposite sex. Do you mean you want a coach? or you want somebody to fix you up? or you want a wingman?

 

 

I think this guy from work could be a great friend. Pursue that but not through facebook. Ask him to grab another drink after work. Then see if you can get him to go to a club with you. While you are there watch how he interacts with women. Emulate him.

 

 

Again ask if his GF knows anybody.

[GravityMan]

OP, I think your coworker was being pretty insensitive when talking about all his sexual accomplishments (whether true or not). Yes, I know it's happy hour, and some degree of "letting it hang loose" and "unwinding" is good during HH with coworkers (plus there's an implicit fight-club-esque understanding)...but still, there's a line.

 

Anyway, I concur with carhill's advice.

[deckard11]

I went out to happy hour with my coworker yesterday. We are both in our mid thirties. The discussion went from work to eventually women. He went at length on his sexual accomplishments, all the girls he [had sex with] in his 20s, and his current relationship. He also talked about guys we mutually know and their successes with women.

 

This made me mad, and depressed. Because I don't have as much experience as he does. In fact, I have almost none. I haven't really kissed a girl or done anything beyond that. But there was no way I wanted to tell him that. I was resentful how he has had success with women while I haven't, even there is nothing inherently better about him than me.

 

I also resent how none of my friends have really helped me throughout my life in the dating world. I've never been set up with someone, or introduced. My social life isn't that great, so I think that is one reason. But I think he and other coworkers and friends of mine should have helped me more before being in this situation in my mid thirties.

 

I guess this is a two pronged problem, because I am depressed after talking to him and others who talk about their successes, but I am depressed with my own lack of success and feeling as if I really missed out when I was younger, and now.

 

Been there and felt that way too dude. It sucks. I tried my best to remedy the situation but have had nothing but failure. Best of luck to you.

[loveflower]

Are you sure you envy your friend?

maybe all he got was easy and lose women? Maybe you are not, because you have taste and standard?

I will take your type than your friend's type anytime...too dirty and loose for my taste.

you just need luck to meet the right type of girls.

[preraph]

Look, most people would consider a setup interfering, so if you want someone to try, you have to say so. Now, it's not that easy to find a woman to go along with a blind date, although maybe it's easier these days since OLD is popular. I think to modernize this process, you might tell him you need to meet some women and ask if he knows any who might be interested in getting to know you and then have him just ask her if it's okay to let you guys "meet" via Facebook. But he can't do your work for you. At that point it's up to you to reach out to her and say hi and get to know her a little.

[Imported]

Friends help friends out.

 

 

Friends don't expect friends to help them out and get resentful if that doesn't happen.

 

Your dating life is your problem.

 

Your problem, not your friends.

[MarcoInaros]

I don't completely understand what you mean by no one has helped you with the opposite sex. Do you mean you want a coach? or you want somebody to fix you up? or you want a wingman?

 

 

I think this guy from work could be a great friend. Pursue that but not through facebook. Ask him to grab another drink after work. Then see if you can get him to go to a club with you. While you are there watch how he interacts with women. Emulate him.

 

 

Again ask if his GF knows anybody.

 

Yeah, I wished I had a good wingman/woman. I think that is what my problem is. I don't have a crew to hang out with. I wish people tried to set me up. Some of my friends have alluded to that but they never carried through. I wish I had more parties to go to, house parties. Instead I am generally alone, or that guy who is just around. And as I get older, the isolation is becoming normal, and I am having more and more difficulty imagining being with someone. I wish I had a coach...that would be awesome. Someone to help me navigate the social and dating waters.

 

He could be a resource, but his hands are full. He has kids, and has a girlfriend, and his own social circle that does things. Next time I talk to him I'll ask him, and ask his girlfriend if she could hook me up in a lighthearted way. I'm feeling depressed right now though. It's difficult to be happy enough to approach any women.

[Mr. Lucky]

It doesn't matter how much I improve myself. I've been improving myself for the past five years by dressing better and going to the gym.

 

Do you run? Ride bikes? Play tennis? Softball? Political causes? Save the whales? Stop global warming? Read books? Attend church?

 

There's an easily found group for each one and, through those groups, an easy way to make male friends and mingle with women regardless of your "game". Just show up, be enthusiastic, do your best and be available to drink a beer afterwards. Don't try to make things happen, just be yourself and enjoy the moment.

 

Rather than sitting at home "alone", get out and connect. If you're stable, single and employed, someone will consider you a catch...

 

Mr. Lucky

[nobscupid]

I went out to happy hour with my coworker yesterday. We are both in our mid thirties. The discussion went from work to eventually women. He went at length on his sexual accomplishments, all the girls he [had sex with] in his 20s, and his current relationship. He also talked about guys we mutually know and their successes with women.

 

This made me mad, and depressed. Because I don't have as much experience as he does. In fact, I have almost none. I haven't really kissed a girl or done anything beyond that. But there was no way I wanted to tell him that. I was resentful how he has had success with women while I haven't, even there is nothing inherently better about him than me.

 

I also resent how none of my friends have really helped me throughout my life in the dating world. I've never been set up with someone, or introduced. My social life isn't that great, so I think that is one reason. But I think he and other coworkers and friends of mine should have helped me more before being in this situation in my mid thirties.

 

I guess this is a two pronged problem, because I am depressed after talking to him and others who talk about their successes, but I am depressed with my own lack of success and feeling as if I really missed out when I was younger, and now.

 

Let me give u some 'field tested' advice . . .

 

1. Be proud that you admitted the issue out there in the open. That means you are ready for a change.

 

2. Identify and more importantly FACE what kept you from getting all that action. You are mature enough to admit your issues to yourself. That is the first thing. Maybe you have anxiety? Lack of confidence? Work on you and in conjuction, folllow #3

 

3. Hang out with Dating coaches, Pick up guys (Contrary to the bs media, most of them are just normal guys trying to improve their dating life). Just type on Google "Your city name" + "Lair". Get in touch with these guys. Once you start talking to girls on your own, ditch the community. Too much of anything is bad anyways.

 

4. Most guys who talk about their sex life usually have none. In fact, I would rather be about it then talk about it. if this guy is such a pimp, ask him if he can show you the ropes. Most guys love teaching other guys. That's why I'm writing this message.

 

5. Girls are always going to be around. They are everywhere. At office, work, bus stop, restaurants whatever. Believe in yourself (Very important) and take the action - #3 bra - big time!

 

6. Go out more. Talk more. Simple to the point advice.

 

7. U have to help yourself. NOBODY will help you. Get rid of this ideology immediately. I currently suing a piece of crap a-hole for $7500 USD. He knew me for 10 years before screwing me over. My mistake for not reading the contract properly YOU OWE YOU!

 

8. Google Eric Thomas - Check his story

 

9. Google RSD - For dating stuff.

Edited February 4, 2016 by nobscupid

[Httm]

Thanks. I know those things. I am a 36 year old professional. I make a middle class income and I am self sufficient. I know how to take care of myself. I'm an adult.

 

It doesn't matter how much I improve myself. I've been improving myself for the past five years by dressing better and going to the gym. I can't do this on my own. I've been alone my whole life and no one has helped me with the opposite sex. I've been to clubs alone, bars alone, I went to singles events alone, concerts, I walk around town alone. I'm alone this weekend. I see people out and about but I have no one to be with. I have to have friends and a social circle to help me out.

 

I just became so depressed when he was talking about the successes he had. I was thinking about sending him a facebook message about it, but I am hesitating because he's my coworker.

 

No, you don't need friends to introduce you to people. That is not their function. Make friends and hang out with them. Go to meetup.com and groups. Use okcupid and match to get dates and keep going out with people until you meet the right one.

 

Stop blaming other people. Also, what you've "missed out on" doesn't matter. Make changes now. The past is the past.

[Httm]

Yeah, I wished I had a good wingman/woman. I think that is what my problem is.

 

No, it isn't.

[normal person]

 

I also resent how none of my friends have really helped me throughout my life in the dating world. I've never been set up with someone, or introduced. My social life isn't that great, so I think that is one reason. But I think he and other coworkers and friends of mine should have helped me more before being in this situation in my mid thirties.

 

 

I'm not trying to be mean, but no one is under any obligation to help you through the dating world. I don't know how this thought entered your head. Where do you think those guys meet women? At some point, one of your guy friends took the dive to get something he wanted and got rewarded for it. What have you done?

 

These are skills you should have learned and honed through your own trial and error, like everyone else. No one holds your hand during the process. You step out of your comfort zone, you take a chance, and you get rewarded or dismissed for your action. You learn from your experience and you adjust your behavior next time after you see what works and what doesn't work. Repeat. What'd you learn from your interactions with women in middle school, high school, college, and beyond? Why aren't you applying it?

 

The bigger question is, what, if anything, are you doing about it besides waiting for someone else to just hand you a girl? It's like saying "I'm always broke because no one ever gives me their money." Why don't you go work for some? A big problem is that you're not proactive, you just expect things to be given to you purposelessly. Not a recipe for success, in my opinion.

[Chris2016]

Same as your bro, except I'm turning 40 soon.

 

Focus on the present. Be proactive now. Do not let time pass by anymore, like I did. It will pass by.

 

I want to start a family, but as I get older and older the pool of child bearing women my age group goes down and down. It sucks. But got to focus on the now.

 

Google site:nicknotas.com exercises

 

His writings work well with me. Hopefully youll find him beneficial also. He has some exercises that can be practiced.