ksh Posted November 25, 2015 Share Posted November 25, 2015 This is not a matter of she not in love, this part i know for sure. Just take this as a fact. Also we are not teenagers, late twenties for her and thirties for me, 10 years difference. After getting her into bad, just before starting to undress her (1st try to have sex), she stopped me and told me she doesn't feel doing it and after having a talk she just wasn't able to explain it, but said it is not about nervousness, worry to be hurt, and all the other reasons i can find googling but i just doesn't make her click (probably she meant, arouse her). It is not about foreplay, she explained that did happen to her with some former mens and that she believes it wont change (with us), that's why she wants to break up, even if we didn't, this will kill the relation sooner or later, even more as she want a partner with whom she has sex. We are dating for 3 months and been friends for much longer. One thing that gets into my mind is that i am just too much available to her. Anyone can say something that would help, i have never been in such situation? Link to post Share on other sites
mystikmind2005 Posted November 25, 2015 Share Posted November 25, 2015 Well that's an odd thing? most of the motivations i can think of to not have sex will either occur before going to bed or after going to bed and having sex at least once. But to go to bed and start the process and then suddenly decide you know enough not to bother going any further, and want to end the relationship,, its totally weird? Its like someone going to the cinema to watch a movie, they chose the movie, they buy the ticket, the opening scene pops up and then before it even starts, they suddenly decide they don't like it and walk out?? No one does that, once your already there, even if you think it might be no good, you may as well follow through just to be sure. I'm sorry for you, this woman is no good, fickle, flighty, a relationship with someone like this will be inherently fragile, and to attempt to do so is just like the foolish man who built his house upon the sand. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted November 25, 2015 Share Posted November 25, 2015 This is not a matter of she not in love, this part i know for sure. Just take this as a fact. Also we are not teenagers, late twenties for her and thirties for me, 10 years difference. After getting her into bad, just before starting to undress her (1st try to have sex), she stopped me and told me she doesn't feel doing it and after having a talk she just wasn't able to explain it, but said it is not about nervousness, worry to be hurt, and all the other reasons i can find googling but i just doesn't make her click (probably she meant, arouse her). It is not about foreplay, she explained that did happen to her with some former mens and that she believes it wont change (with us), that's why she wants to break up, even if we didn't, this will kill the relation sooner or later, even more as she want a partner with whom she has sex. We are dating for 3 months and been friends for much longer. One thing that gets into my mind is that i am just too much available to her. Anyone can say something that would help, i have never been in such situation? The problem is hers and it's psychological. You cannot fix her, but if you have feelings for her, tell her she needs counselling therapy, because this is unfair on her and you. But it's not your job to try to repair her, change her or even fit in with what she wants, when it's not what you want. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Gloria25 Posted November 25, 2015 Share Posted November 25, 2015 Ever consider she wants to hold off on sex until she's sure she's in a committed RL? Think about it.... Before you, there were other guys she "dated" who expected sex and eventually they broke up. So, how many guys is she gonna have to have sex with as a requirement in a "relationship" for it to go nowhere. So, lemme ask you (and everyone, IMO, should be asking this by the 3rd date and before sex happens)....Are you looking for a "wife" or companionship. Cuz I don't believe in the "let's just date and see where it goes nonsense many people do. Either you're ready for a commitment (marriage....not shacking up or dating exclusively), or you just want company. Doesn't mean that she's the one, but puts her and any other woman on notice that you are evaluating your dates for the long term and the woman will know where she stands. She probably cannot articulate what I'm saying cuz views like mine are not popular, and she like many women feel "off" about putting another notch on their bedpost, but society says have sex like a man. Now, I'm all for taking someone on a "test drive", but then you don't wanna be labeled a "tease" if you have sex then change your mind and start demanding more of a commitment before you have more sex. Then there's manipulative chicks like Scarlett Johansen's character in Don Jon, where she withheld sex to get what she wanted and it even worked on Don Jon - who could score women all the time. So, IMO, raise this issue that I mentioned with her. Have a frank and honest discussion...if she still cannot/will not articulate what's holding her back, then dump her. Cuz as you can see knowing someone as a "friend" is different from actually "dating" them cuz no matter how long you've known her, until you took three months to date her, you had no idea about her sexual hangups. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ksh Posted November 25, 2015 Author Share Posted November 25, 2015 The problem is that she is not manipulative to me (I have tested her on multiple occasions, before even making a move). This was not a manipulation, i seriously believe, she is in some sort of mental state where i am more then a friend and on the other side not a lover. And she doesn't have problems with sex. This is not a classical case of woman manipulating/testing with sex, and she doesnt have mental issues (or with sex, i know a few stories about her ex.), probably it is more about knowing each other for too long on a friend basis. Beside that, she is extremely intelligent and this could be overthinking or whatever down that line. The problem is that i know that i will probably never again found a woman that fits so well and vice versa. Damn, this is frustrating. Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted November 25, 2015 Share Posted November 25, 2015 (edited) So ....you claim it's a *fact* that she's *in love* with you ...BUT, she doesn't, and has never, wanted to have sex with you (or any sexual contact for that matter) ...and told you she wants to break up?? Please explain how a woman wanting to break up with you (so she can find a man she actually wants to have sex with) is her being *in love* with you. That is not how that works..... Counseling won't help, dude she's NOT feeling it. You say you were friends before .... that's where it should have stayed. She "loves" you ..as a friend. At most! Sorry, but IMO the only thing to do is accept that she wants to break up ....and break up! It's only been three months, find someone who is attracted to you, desires you sexually and who wants a *romantic* relationship with you ....and not just a friendship. Edited November 25, 2015 by katiegrl 1 Link to post Share on other sites
craw Posted November 25, 2015 Share Posted November 25, 2015 (edited) I would break up with her. Dealing with someone with a low sex drive is frustrating and hurtful. Edited November 25, 2015 by craw 1 Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted November 25, 2015 Share Posted November 25, 2015 (edited) I would break up with her. Dealing with someone with a low sex drive is frustrating and hurtful. Agree. The OP said SHE wants to break up anyway. She said she wants to be with a man she desires to have sex with (paraphrasing).....which tells me she knows she IS able to have sex and has those desires within her (she had foreplay (and sex?) with her ex's) .....she just does not want it with OP. This is a friendship. Edited November 25, 2015 by katiegrl 3 Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted November 25, 2015 Share Posted November 25, 2015 I don't disagree with much said here. She broke up with you. Let it go. Don't even remain friends with her - move on. Best for both of you. Not everyone shares the same definition of love. I have learned the hard way someone saying "I love you" does not mean the same thing as when I say "I love you". Love comes in all shapes and sizes. Along this same line of reasoning - sexual desire and love don't always go together. Plenty of people will swear on stack of bibles or polygraph that they love someone (mate, spouse, BF) immensely (and it may be true) but their sexual desire or chemistry are for someone or something else. Love does not always equal sexual desire or compatibility. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted November 25, 2015 Share Posted November 25, 2015 This is a sexual attraction issue. She has probably had wild monkey sex with someone she just met at some point in her life so this is not about feeling committed or secure in the relationship enough. If you were married and had minor children and a mortgage and car payments together, there is a long and arduous process that may or may not result in her finding you more sexually desirable. And even that process often only desire a some of the attraction that has been lost due to a long relationship of paying bills and raising babies etc. In this case she has never been sexually attracted to you so it's doubtful she ever will unless you turn into a completely different person. But the fact you've only been dating a short time and haven't had sex at all, I can't reccommend anything but wishing her well and then moving onto find someone else that may dig you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
casey.lives Posted November 25, 2015 Share Posted November 25, 2015 3 months and your saying you love each other... seems premature. Being in love makes some people extra cautious. Love can be extremely scary and destructive. Sex makes love real.. it's so much harder to walk away with that bond.. you really lose pieces of yourself and your heart and dreams.. 3 months and your saying you love each other... IS premature!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gloria25 Posted November 25, 2015 Share Posted November 25, 2015 (edited) Ok, I re-read this thread. Let her go... There's a window upon which a guy should make a move to "claim" a woman. If you don't do it, you get friendzoned. Sorry, next time don't become that person who hangs out as a "friend" waiting for his chance to score. Lol, I was listening to Chris Rock on the comedy on iHeart radio and he said he never had a "platonic" RL with women cu women who became "friends" were women he for some reason or another couldn't kick off dating with. Edited November 25, 2015 by Gloria25 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted November 25, 2015 Share Posted November 25, 2015 It sounds to me like she's just not that attracted to you and that you should probably move on. She may have some issues otherwise or not, but she pretty much told you she doesn't feel the chemistry. This may just be a friendship or maybe that's all she's capable of. Link to post Share on other sites
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