deadelvis Posted October 5, 2015 Share Posted October 5, 2015 I've been wondering about this... If you're in a relationship/married how much of the following is ok? Healthy? Normal? 1. Checking out someone else without them knowing (like when I'm alone and an attractive person walks by, is it ok to check them out if they don't see me looking?) I personally think this is normal and everyone does it. 2. Blatantly checking someone out. (when I'm at a bar and an attractive person walks in, we exchange a few looks and smile at each other but never speak to each other) 3. Flirting (having a verbal interaction with someone of the opposite sex, but there is a lot of smiling and it's clear we're attracted to each other, conversation remains non-sexual) 4. Flirting with sexual innuendos. (heavy flirting, sexual innuendos. If my partner was around they would feel uncomfortable by the interaction) 5. Flirting with someone who is hitting on you. (flirting reaches the point where the other person is asking for your phone number, or obviously hitting on you, but instead of walking away you continue to chat with them) Obviously these boundaries change a bit when your partner is sitting beside you... but I'm asking about you're alone. Or at least when you're partner isn't around I'm just curious where the boundaries are. I've seen some interesting variations depending on different relationships. Some people engage in heavy flirting but don't see it as wrong. Other people don't even sneak a glance as an attractive person walks past. Where is the healthy line? I think the real problem is when the couple are not on the same page with each other, meaning one flirts and the other doesn't. It's hard to know how flirty your partner is when you're not around. I don't want to be the sneaky one who flirts even though I'm in a relationship, but I also don't want to be the one who won't make eye contact with the bartender because I'm in a relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted October 5, 2015 Share Posted October 5, 2015 Different people will draw those boundaries different places. You have to find somebody who draws them where you do. Personally I draw the line somewhere between 3 & 4. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author deadelvis Posted October 5, 2015 Author Share Posted October 5, 2015 I personally never go beyond #1. I once dated a girl who did #1-#5 all the time. I guess she had low self esteem or something, but it was a major dealbreaker. Link to post Share on other sites
Shepp Posted October 6, 2015 Share Posted October 6, 2015 Normal for just about everything tends to be somewhere in the middle.. Healthy is simply a level that makes both parties happy in that particular relationship. For me: #1: No worries. #2: Borderline cool. Wouldn't be happy with much of that! #3: No worries. I do think it depends on the girl your with - if i was really reserved girl and she was doing this i might be like 'whaa?' but within the contex of my relationship, my missus is a flirt - she can't help herself, i don't think she always knows she's doing it its just like she gives off that vibe! My mum refered to her as a flirt at a family do the other day and she was all 'i'm not a flirt' and then turned right round and flirted with my 82yr old granddad. but the thing with it is I know it means nothing to her. Theres more to her than that. I don't think im a flirt but im a pretty friendly guy, that can be misconstrued ...and im not above flirting my way out of something #4 & #5: totally out of line! Link to post Share on other sites
almond Posted October 6, 2015 Share Posted October 6, 2015 My partner and I both agree that it is disrespectful to go past #1. I can honestly say that since I have been with him...7.5 years now, that I have never once gone any further than #1. I trust that he hasn't either. This is just what works for us, and as the OP said - different couples draw different lines on different sand at different beaches. Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted October 6, 2015 Share Posted October 6, 2015 I've been wondering about this... If you're in a relationship/married how much of the following is ok? Healthy? Normal? 1. Checking out someone else without them knowing (like when I'm alone and an attractive person walks by, is it ok to check them out if they don't see me looking?) I personally think this is normal and everyone does it. 2. Blatantly checking someone out. (when I'm at a bar and an attractive person walks in, we exchange a few looks and smile at each other but never speak to each other) 3. Flirting (having a verbal interaction with someone of the opposite sex, but there is a lot of smiling and it's clear we're attracted to each other, conversation remains non-sexual) 4. Flirting with sexual innuendos. (heavy flirting, sexual innuendos. If my partner was around they would feel uncomfortable by the interaction) 5. Flirting with someone who is hitting on you. (flirting reaches the point where the other person is asking for your phone number, or obviously hitting on you, but instead of walking away you continue to chat with them) Obviously these boundaries change a bit when your partner is sitting beside you... but I'm asking about you're alone. Or at least when you're partner isn't around I'm just curious where the boundaries are. I've seen some interesting variations depending on different relationships. Some people engage in heavy flirting but don't see it as wrong. Other people don't even sneak a glance as an attractive person walks past. Where is the healthy line? I think the real problem is when the couple are not on the same page with each other, meaning one flirts and the other doesn't. It's hard to know how flirty your partner is when you're not around. I don't want to be the sneaky one who flirts even though I'm in a relationship, but I also don't want to be the one who won't make eye contact with the bartender because I'm in a relationship. How would you want your SO to act when you are not there? I would assess the same standards to yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted October 6, 2015 Share Posted October 6, 2015 Hum.... I think 1 & 2 are a safe zone. I would have no problem with him doing it - I feel like its harmless if I do. 3 - Okay with this as well. At parties and bars etc, I am MUCH more likely to strike up a conversation with a guy than a gal. I have a number of "guy friends" / tend to have more common interests etc. Now - sometimes I can tell that they are attracted / flirting, and I just don't flirt back - or will move on if he doesn't get the hint. My BF is out with me at these social events. And on the same token, I have no problem with him chatting with girls (we often split up and work the crowd ) 4 & 5 is some slippery slope s****. I can't do it safely, would prefer that he didn't. Link to post Share on other sites
Davey L Posted October 6, 2015 Share Posted October 6, 2015 Presumably No. 6 would be actual physical cheating? Personally I'll go to 4 but not 5, but I know I shouldn't really go as far as that and should stop at 2-3. Link to post Share on other sites
Author deadelvis Posted October 6, 2015 Author Share Posted October 6, 2015 Something really messed up I've observed. When I was single I would meet a woman, buy her drinks and engage in all these activities, (#1-#5) and after about an hour I would ask for her phone number. About 75% of the time they would say. "Oh I can't give you my number, I have a boyfriend" Then my answer would be "Ok well can I get his number then? Because I'd like to tell him what a POS his girlfriend is" Then I'd find her on facebook that night and sure enough... she has a boyfriend. Sometimes a fiance or husband. People suck. Link to post Share on other sites
JustGettingBy Posted October 6, 2015 Share Posted October 6, 2015 1 and 2 are okay, as its part of being human 4 and 5 are likely off limits 3 depends on the dynamic of everyone involved, and trust levels Just my opinion of course. Link to post Share on other sites
seekingluck Posted October 6, 2015 Share Posted October 6, 2015 Depends on the person. Personally, I am a chatter box and talk to people all the time. 3 is normal for me, and has little to do with "attraction" in the sense that I want anything more than a conversation in the moment. #4 is too far for me, I am reserved in the sense of joking about sex, so it is not me. But I have other friends who are more comfortable that way, and that is their normal persona. If they are one of those people it wouldn't bother me either. Now if the person in question is shy and reserved and doesn't generally make conversation with strangers, well anything past 2 would be really weird and not OK. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
acrosstheuniverse Posted October 6, 2015 Share Posted October 6, 2015 1. Totally fine. It's normal to look at someone if they're attractive. I'm a straight girl and even I sometimes check out beautiful girls. Beauty is difficult not to look at. It's only wrong if the other person notices, then it's creepy. As a woman it's an awful feeling having someone directly check you out when you're just going about your business. 2. Just catching someone's eye and smiling, nothing wrong with that. 3. Flirting is fine depending on the circumstance, as long as you don't say/do anything you wouldn't be happy with your partner witnessing. Sometimes you meet someone, just get on great, have a laugh and it looks like you're flirting but nobody says anything inappropriate. 4. Totally out of line. 5. Totally out of line. Put it this way... I would never go out of my way to flirt. But if I see a hot guy and he isn't gonna notice me taking a second glance, I don't see the issue. And if I'm out with friends and meet someone and we get on great, have a laugh and are mutually attracted, again I don't see why you should refuse to talk and laugh with someone just because you're both attractive. But once it goes beyond this, saying inappropriate things, sexual things, swapping numbers, pretending you're single, it's a problem. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted October 6, 2015 Share Posted October 6, 2015 . But once it goes beyond this, saying inappropriate things, sexual things, swapping numbers, pretending you're single, it's a problem. That's the big one. A random sexy comment once in a while to or from someone who knows you are taken & knows it won't go farther than the public venue where the comment was made is hardly a deal breaker for me but when people act like they are single that is a problem. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Eternal Sunshine Posted October 6, 2015 Share Posted October 6, 2015 What about a close friendship with someone of the opposite sex, with some flirting.. Where is the line drawn between "just men and women being friends" and "inappropriate"? Link to post Share on other sites
newmoon Posted October 7, 2015 Share Posted October 7, 2015 look at all these various answers... every single person has a different take on it. you have to discuss, communicate, and set expectations together with your partner so you're both on the same page. Link to post Share on other sites
Author deadelvis Posted October 7, 2015 Author Share Posted October 7, 2015 What about a close friendship with someone of the opposite sex, with some flirting.. Where is the line drawn between "just men and women being friends" and "inappropriate"? What you described is called an emotional affair. Link to post Share on other sites
acrosstheuniverse Posted October 7, 2015 Share Posted October 7, 2015 What about a close friendship with someone of the opposite sex, with some flirting.. Where is the line drawn between "just men and women being friends" and "inappropriate"? It kinda depends on the situation I think. I think it depends on what you class as flirting. Like I say, some people say just having a laugh and a joke is flirting. I think it's quite rare for proper flirting between 'just friends' if by flirting you're meaning that you're attracted to each other. I'm not attracted to my friends... if I was, we'd have dated already and be exes. My general rule is that it's not okay if it's inappropriate to the extent that I wouldn't want my partner to know about it. I wouldn't ever tolerate a male friend making sexual comments about me or being suggestive. I've had that happened a couple times and told them once to knock it off, I'm not interested and they're being disrespectful, the second time I've ended the friendship. If it's truly just harmless flirting that means nothing then your partner wouldn't mind being there imo. For example I have a really, really good male friend I met volunteering, he's twice my age, not my type (he's a fantastic person, but he isn't conventionally attractive, he's balding, obese, much older than me etc.) and we hit it off as great friends, we go out for coffee once in a while to catch up and also with our respective partners. Last week my boyfriend and I went out for dinner and drinks with him and his partner as we all get along great, and as we were sat there I said something to my boyfriend along the lines of 'can you pass me this please babe', my friend passed me it instead and we had a laugh about how I really shouldn't call him babe in front of my boyfriend and his partner joked about how he responded pretty naturally to being called babe by me, we giggled and moved on. Is that flirting? Technically. But it's a world apart from say, I'm out on my own, have a male friend I've always had a thing for, we get drunk and end up talking about sexual positions and hinting what we'd do to each other. The latter I wouldn't do in a million years. Friends need to be 'friends of the relationship'. Not necessarily friends with both you and your partner, but respectful of the fact you're with them, and supportive rather than trying subtly or otherwise to cause problems or split you up so they can make a move. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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