Snakeoil Posted September 4, 2015 Share Posted September 4, 2015 If you as a woman have a crush on a guy and if you want him to ask you out and you know he likes you but isn't doing anything about it then how much time do you give him before a friend-zone deadline? Is it weeks or months? Not all guys can act on their interest right away. What if after you friend-zone him for not making a move he begins to avoid you because seeing your face is too painful for him? Link to post Share on other sites
PaperCrane Posted September 4, 2015 Share Posted September 4, 2015 As a rule, guys rarely friendzone a girl unless he's been slighted or hurt. It's all on you to decide if you want to friendzone him. Overthinking things shortens that timeframe. If you want him, go 90% of the way for him to make a move, make it obvious but let him take the final step. There could be a plethora of reasons why he isn't. He could have been hurt deeply and fears making a move. If you think he's worth seeing, it's not worth putting it in jeopardy over who initiates first, because down the line that doesn't matter. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Frank2thepoint Posted September 5, 2015 Share Posted September 5, 2015 I'm not a woman, but as a man, and knew what you just said, then I wouldn't even want to try to make a move on you. The question you should be asking yourself is what have you done to encourage him to initiate? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted September 5, 2015 Share Posted September 5, 2015 I don't think there is a "friendzone deadline" as such. If I had a crush on a guy and I was warm towards him and he didn't ask me out after a few occasions of chatting and getting on well, then I'd assume he didn't like me that way. I wouldn't 'friendzone him', but I might feel hurt and decide I'd better keep away from him and focus on other people. If he suddenly started showing interest then, I think I'd be confused. If he explained he'd felt shy or whatever, then I would probably understand his apparent lack of interest initially. Basically though, it's best he get to know the woman a bit and then ask her out when trust has been built. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gloria25 Posted September 5, 2015 Share Posted September 5, 2015 I don't know what to tell you... I mean, why isn't he making a move on you? I think that would explain what's going on and how you should handle it. Cuz, IMO, if a guy isn't making a move on you - no matter how much he's attracted, it isn't enough to push him to act on it. So, what do you do? Wait a day, month, year, etc? In my situation, I believe I know some reasons he won't make a move... So, I empathize with him at times. But, my frustration is where he - instead of just forgetting about me and letting it go, seems to want me to be the imaginary gf and he now and then sorta does little "gestures/mirroring" that make me think I still have a chance at him and then "nada". There's times like you, he also avoids me cuz I guess he doesn't wanna let me catch him looking. Not sure if it's cuz it's painful for him and/or he gets the frustration I get - so, he tries to look at me w/o letting me know he's doing it What do I do when he does the whole "avoiding" me thing? I get angry and throw a tantrum like a little kid. I hurl insults and what-not. I highly advise you against doing that cuz after I chill out, I feel horrible for acting the fool, showing my arse and lashing out with intent to hurt him. So, I don't know what to tell you to do. I've tried everything I can to coax my guy out of his shell where I hoped he could get comfy in just having a 1 min convo with me w/o avoiding me and us simply getting to a level where we can get along on a friendly level...but, I guess sometimes it's hard for people to just be "friendly" to someone they are attracted to. I guess you can just smile, be polite, and that's about it. I mean, cuz if you try to pull him out of the friendzone, I sometimes believe that is a futile task/endeavor. Cuz, I've tried pulling out my dude from the "beyond friendzone" (where I try to just pretend he doesn't even exist) and nah, he still won't make a move and/or simply have a 1 min convo with mua Maybe try to pull him out of the friendzone once and see how it goes? But meh, don't be like me and try to do it over and over...cuz, it's been a year now and I've wasted a lot of time and almost got used to being the "imaginary gf" - to the point where I actually started to "accept" being in that role and playing 2nd fiddle to him being with other women while I sit on the sidelines. Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted September 5, 2015 Share Posted September 5, 2015 The friendzone does not come out of a choice. You friendzone someone because you are not attracted to them, which is not something you can choose. Now one thing you can do is move on from someone if they are not right for you, for whatever reason, in which case I recommend NC. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Snakeoil Posted September 5, 2015 Author Share Posted September 5, 2015 I'm not a woman, but as a man, and knew what you just said, then I wouldn't even want to try to make a move on you. The question you should be asking yourself is what have you done to encourage him to initiate? I'm actually a guy. I'm the one who has a crush on a female work colleague and this has been going on for 13 months. I have not asked her out yet. There are some indications she might be interested but the signals are kind of ambiguous. I don't want to make a move and risk reading her wrong and then embarrassing myself. In the last 3 months the signs I have noticed more is she would mimic my behavior. If it was just once or twice I would just brush it off as a coincidence. As soon as I update my dress attire she does the same thing a week later. She has made more of an effort to choose to work beside me when she has other options. She has gone so far as to buy me candy and suggested how we should try different snacks and stuff. The thing is I have been in this pattern of doing little gestures for her like helping her out more and sharing my food but I never accept any gestures back from her. I've purposely been playing hard to get with my crush by not accepting her gestures. Like when she offers to buy me a drink or candy bar or a burger I always say no thank you. I have also done a good job of avoiding looking at her for the last 2 months. Whenever she asks me about my life outside of work I keep my answers short and generalized. I purposely made it a point to not tell her about my birthday when she would ask me what I did that day since I wasn't at work on my birthday. It is her responsibility to do her own private investigating and learn about when my birthday is if she is really interested. That's why I hid that information from her. I figure playing hard to get with my crush is playing it safe. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Snakeoil Posted September 5, 2015 Author Share Posted September 5, 2015 I suffer with this crush feeling everyday going to work and seeing her face. Just seeing her face is enough to feed the crush. I don't even have to talk to her. I can't always hide from her because I have a job to do. I don't think the crush is going away anytime soon. Link to post Share on other sites
Gloria25 Posted September 5, 2015 Share Posted September 5, 2015 I'm actually a guy. I'm the one who has a crush on a female work colleague and this has been going on for 13 months. I have not asked her out yet. There are some indications she might be interested but the signals are kind of ambiguous. I don't want to make a move and risk reading her wrong and then embarrassing myself. In the last 3 months the signs I have noticed more is she would mimic my behavior. If it was just once or twice I would just brush it off as a coincidence. As soon as I update my dress attire she does the same thing a week later. She has made more of an effort to choose to work beside me when she has other options. She has gone so far as to buy me candy and suggested how we should try different snacks and stuff. The thing is I have been in this pattern of doing little gestures for her like helping her out more and sharing my food but I never accept any gestures back from her. I've purposely been playing hard to get with my crush by not accepting her gestures. Like when she offers to buy me a drink or candy bar or a burger I always say no thank you. I have also done a good job of avoiding looking at her for the last 2 months. Whenever she asks me about my life outside of work I keep my answers short and generalized. I purposely made it a point to not tell her about my birthday when she would ask me what I did that day since I wasn't at work on my birthday. It is her responsibility to do her own private investigating and learn about when my birthday is if she is really interested. That's why I hid that information from her. I figure playing hard to get with my crush is playing it safe. Oh no, do I think I know who this is ^^?!? Nice try though, almost had us thinking you were someone else... The "candy" is a dead give away. Next time, omit any mention of the words "candy", "crush", and/or "cheeseburgers"... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Snakeoil Posted September 5, 2015 Author Share Posted September 5, 2015 Oh no, do I think I know who this is ^^?!? Nice try though, almost had us thinking you were someone else... The "candy" is a dead give away. Next time, omit any mention of the words "candy", "crush", and/or "cheeseburgers"... I wanted to be caught this time. Link to post Share on other sites
Gloria25 Posted September 5, 2015 Share Posted September 5, 2015 I wanted to be caught this time. Oh no, time to call the cops on this one!!! https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/236x/ab/94/1d/ab941d458e073849ab3a10ef849ebc6e.jpg Link to post Share on other sites
Author Snakeoil Posted September 5, 2015 Author Share Posted September 5, 2015 Oh no, time to call the cops on this one!!! https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/236x/ab/94/1d/ab941d458e073849ab3a10ef849ebc6e.jpg Give them my location. I promise to stay where I am until they come take me back into custody. Link to post Share on other sites
newmoon Posted September 5, 2015 Share Posted September 5, 2015 maybe he doesn't like me as much as i think... that'd be what i would think. if he isn't asking... he doesn't like you - at least not enough. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
craw Posted September 5, 2015 Share Posted September 5, 2015 I don't want to make a move and risk reading her wrong and then embarrassing myself. So what's going to happen once you two have had a relationship and there's ongoing awkwardness in the office? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Snakeoil Posted September 5, 2015 Author Share Posted September 5, 2015 So what's going to happen once you two have had a relationship and there's ongoing awkwardness in the office? Well that might be a moot point because I may not be working there much longer or at least I'll be switching to part time on the horizon. If I only needed this job part time that means I would be working with her less often than I do now. I have a feeling that the full time routine will not go on much longer for reasons that have nothing to do with her. I mean the fact that we work together is a big reason I have held back for a year now with her. In hindsight I think I have done the right thing. That being said there's no harm in going out on a platonic date with a coworker provided that it stays platonic. In other words buy her dinner but no physical contact. No kissing or sexual contact. Do everything a guy would do except kissing her. Open the door for her, pull the chair out, pay for the date, etc. No going into her house. Keep all dates out in public. I suppose if we did agree to casually date like going out to dinner once a month and kept it platonic it would be harmless even with full time status. That wouldn't be awkward at work. Link to post Share on other sites
Gloria25 Posted September 5, 2015 Share Posted September 5, 2015 I suffer with this crush feeling everyday going to work and seeing her face. Why do you describe this as 'suffering'? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Snakeoil Posted September 5, 2015 Author Share Posted September 5, 2015 Why do you describe this as 'suffering'? Because it is a form of suffering to have strong feelings for someone and think about them and knowing there's a real possibility nothing will come of it. I've thought about her everyday for the last 13 months and probably every hour. After all these years working with her I never thought about her to the extent that I have in the past year. I can't even eat or watch a TV program without thinking about her. Link to post Share on other sites
RedRobin Posted September 5, 2015 Share Posted September 5, 2015 Because it is a form of suffering to have strong feelings for someone and think about them and knowing there's a real possibility nothing will come of it. I've thought about her everyday for the last 13 months and probably every hour. After all these years working with her I never thought about her to the extent that I have in the past year. I can't even eat or watch a TV program without thinking about her. .... and yet, you treat her (on the surface) like anyone else who didn't have feelings for her would treat her. Look, if you are scared of getting rejected... just do it. Better to know ASAP than keep draggin this out. Link to post Share on other sites
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