Seeing friends while in a RS

[Gingerlocks]

hey guys.

 

I've been thinking about something, and spoke to a few friends about this...

 

In my last relationship (now broken up) (my story; girlfriends break during exams led me to false hope)...

 

I was not aloud to spend time with my friends, or even my own brother at the weekends. She expected ALL my freetime to be with her. My brother would come home from boringschool at some weekends, and ofc he would have loads of stuff to tell, and also wanting to hang out with his brother (me) playing guitar, and just catching up... If I asked my EX if I could come on the Saturday instead of the friday, she would go ABSOLUTLY mental. So I quickly pushed my brother aside The same with friends. If there was a birthday party, BBQ or something, and I wanted to go, lets say on the saturday. So I'd ask If I could come on the friday, but leave saturday afternoon, same story. She'd get pissed at me. So again, I forgot my friends, and all of a sudden, they didn't ask if I wanted to go to town or anything with them no more...

 

There was one time, while I was on anti-depressants, and I had forgotten to bring enough, so I couldn't stay at hers from the friday to the monday as she wanted me to. So I told her I had to go home Sunday evening, as I needed to get my medication... Again. I was not aloud to leave, she would get SO pissy? I mean, I had to get my medicine. So I stayed, which resulted in me puking and getting a huge fever... gosh, i sacrificed a lot for that girl.

 

I mean. That WAS wrong of her right? not giving me ANY space?

[TunaCat]

Yes it was totally wrong of her to do that to you. She sounds controlling, needy, and a royal pain in the ass.

 

I have to ask though, why did you allow her to do this to you. Why did you allow her to dictate when you saw your friends and family?

 

Your feelings matter too. Please know that.

[Gingerlocks]

I was in love I guess... But looking back. I should have put my foot down. I mean. She had so much control over me?

Edited September 4, 2015 by Gingerlocks

[elaine567]

There is a trick to managing friends and gfs/bfs.

 

Gf/bfs like to be seen as priority, you supposedly love them, the assumption is that you would move heaven and earth to be with them.

 

So when you said "I want to see my brother on Friday and I can move you to Saturday", you were telling your gf, she is NOT your priority. Your priority is seeing your brother first and foremost and you can slot her in later. She is hurt, you do not love her as you are supposed to, she gets angry and upset and you feel bad.

 

Most mature people can take this, they realise that the world is not going to end if the date is moved to Saturday, but you have to start thinking of your gfs feelings here too.

 

If you had planned to go out on Saturday night and your gf said last minute, no I am seeing my gfs Saturday as there is a party, I can maybe fit you in Friday or Sunday, you wouldn't feel that great or particularly special in her life either. The implication is, that her gfs come first and you come a poor second.

 

In order to manage friends and gfs well, you need to think well ahead and stop the double booking.

If you do double book you have to make your gf the priority or convince her she is your priority. If you know your brother is coming home Fridays, then do not organise to go out with your gf on Fridays and then have to put her off. Organise your diary better. Make time for your gf, make her feel appreciated and special and she then cannot moan if you then organise to spend some time with your brother/friends. YOU made it a competition, which your brother won and that was never going to make her feel good.

Include her in your plans too, if you are a couple, then be a couple, take her along to the BBQ/party, she can meet your friends and you can then see both your friends and gf at the same time.

Otherwise she feels you do not love her, she doesn't feel she is important to you, your friends/brother come first, and it all gets messy.

[Gingerlocks]

I wouldn't double booking my weekends. She just expected me to come to hers every weekend... And if I wasn't doing anything, I would. But I would tell her a week, or some days before, that my brother was coming home, or my friends had invited me to a BBQ...

[Gingerlocks]

Anybody?

[d0nnivain]

In a healthy relationship there is balance. Time for the SO, time for friends & time with both together.

 

 

I usually tried to reserve Saturday night for my SOs.

 

 

I also tended to adopt a philosophy where in the beginning the romance needed to make plans for the weekend. Then it transitioned to the weekend was a given so if one partner wanted to do something with somebody else they had to "give notice" / discuss it before ditching the partner on the weekend. It's not that I would prohibit my BF from spending time with his friends but I wanted some notice so I could make other plans too.

[Got it]

Unhealthy and very codependent. That is not a healthy relationship.

[TunaCat]

I was in love I guess... But looking back. I should have put my foot down. I mean. She had so much control over me?

 

Hindsight is always 20/20. Yes you should have put your foot down. In healthy relationships, you make time for both your significant other as well as friends and family.

 

Yes she had control over you. She seemed to say "jump" and you'd reply with "how high?"

[Gingerlocks]

Bigtime. My friends stopped inviting me into town, asking if she should play football and stuff...

[Gloria25]

There is a trick to managing friends and gfs/bfs.

 

Gf/bfs like to be seen as priority, you supposedly love them, the assumption is that you would move heaven and earth to be with them.

 

So when you said "I want to see my brother on Friday and I can move you to Saturday", you were telling your gf, she is NOT your priority. Your priority is seeing your brother first and foremost and you can slot her in later. She is hurt, you do not love her as you are supposed to, she gets angry and upset and you feel bad.

 

Most mature people can take this, they realise that the world is not going to end if the date is moved to Saturday, but you have to start thinking of your gfs feelings here too.

 

If you had planned to go out on Saturday night and your gf said last minute, no I am seeing my gfs Saturday as there is a party, I can maybe fit you in Friday or Sunday, you wouldn't feel that great or particularly special in her life either. The implication is, that her gfs come first and you come a poor second.

 

In order to manage friends and gfs well, you need to think well ahead and stop the double booking.

If you do double book you have to make your gf the priority or convince her she is your priority. If you know your brother is coming home Fridays, then do not organise to go out with your gf on Fridays and then have to put her off. Organise your diary better. Make time for your gf, make her feel appreciated and special and she then cannot moan if you then organise to spend some time with your brother/friends. YOU made it a competition, which your brother won and that was never going to make her feel good.

Include her in your plans too, if you are a couple, then be a couple, take her along to the BBQ/party, she can meet your friends and you can then see both your friends and gf at the same time.

Otherwise she feels you do not love her, she doesn't feel she is important to you, your friends/brother come first, and it all gets messy.

 

What you mentioned ^^ doesn't work with jealous and/or insecure people - his gf in this case.

 

You can bend over backwards to "accommodate" them and they still will be insecure, controlling, jealous.

 

We don't get into RLs in order to fill a void in our lives. That saying that you "gotta love yourself before you can love someone else" is sooo true. You cannot be open to being in a RL and/or love if you aren't happy in your own life/skin. Cuz, as you see, his gf apparently has no life...HE is her everything. That is sad and sick. What in the world would she do if he got hit by a car? Put a gun to her head?

[Gloria25]

I was in love I guess... But looking back. I should have put my foot down. I mean. She had so much control over me?

 

I don't call that "love", I call that co-dependency. I hate using psychobabble terms like that, but seriously, gotta ask yourself why you'd hang around someone so needy. Did you think you couldn't do better than her? Are you a doormat? Do you spend your life trying to "please" everyone else? Were you just young, naive and turned on by sex and/or a hot chick, first love, etc?

 

Well, I guess you aren't that "unhealthy" and/or co-dependent cuz you got the strength to leave her...but, that makes me wonder why although she's and "ex" you're still pondering "what happened" with her

[katiegrl]

OP, first off, no one should be expected to spend ALL their free time with their SO, and for her to expect you to do that every single weekend is just flat out wrong. Period.

 

She sounds extremely controlling.

 

Second, your mistake was *allowing* her to call all the shots, dictate all the rules.

 

You should not have to *ask* your girlfriend if you can spend time with your brother, or anything else. She is not your prison warden, where you need to ask her permission, sheesh!

 

You make a plan together as to how you will spend your weekend, and if your brother is coming to town (for example) , then she should accommodate your schedule and plan to see you the night you are not with him....and vice versa.

 

NOT go ballistic on you and demand you spend all your free time with her. That is ludicrous!

 

Please don't allow this to happen in your next relationship.

 

Establish boundaries and stick to them!

[Gingerlocks]

OP, first off, no one should be expected to spend ALL their free time with their SO, and for her to expect you to do that every single weekend is just flat out wrong. Period.

 

She sounds extremely controlling.

 

Second, your mistake was *allowing* her to call all the shots, dictate all the rules.

 

You should not have to *ask* your girlfriend if you can spend time with your brother, or anything else. She is not your prison warden, where you need to ask her permission, sheesh!

 

You make a plan together as to how you will spend your weekend, and if your brother is coming to town (for example) , then she should accommodate your schedule and plan to see you the night you are not with him....and vice versa.

 

NOT go ballistic on you and demand you spend all your free time with her. That is ludicrous!

 

Please don't allow this to happen in your next relationship.

 

Establish boundaries and stick to them!

 

 

Im better of without her then? If nothing changes?

[Gloria25]

Im better of without her then? If nothing changes?

 

I thought you said this was an "ex"?

 

If this controlling, abusive, and insecure chick is someone you're currently seeing - then it's up to you to make the decision to stick around or not.

 

Some people are like salt and pepper shakers - they're a match.

 

If you enjoy walking on eggshells then sure, stay with her. Just know that you'll never make her happy - even "if" you spend 24/7 with her. It will get to the point that she will be jealous of you even going to work (reminds me of my relative's ex-wifey). If you ever marry her and/or have kids with her - you will be subjecting your child to a sick and mentally ill person.

 

Saw several shows where the women ran off with the kids and/or killed themselves and/or the kids...Why? Cuz, you gotta understand that your gf's actions are controlling and abusive and those controlling ways stem from insecurities. What are those insecurities? Only she and/or her therapist/counselor can get to the bottom of that. She may have daddy issues, feel that she has to "control" other people cuz she's afraid to be alone.

 

I was watching ID the other day. This chick - gorgeous woman - prom queen, intelligent, etc...."bad luck" with love. Well, she met a dude and dated him and it didn't work out. So she faked being preggo, losing her job, and not having a place in the world to go to besides his doorstep. Well, he let her in, and she began fighting with his female friends, changing the answering machine to reflect the two of them, etc. When he found out she lied about the pregnancy, she killed him and "allegedly" tried to kill herself.

 

So, again, it's up to you to stay with this chick - but trust me, IMO, she needs counseling and you and/or any guy is never gonna make her happy as much as you bend to her whims...AND, it will only get worst and may end up in something tragic happening.

[katiegrl]

Im better of without her then? If nothing changes?

 

Why do you ask? You are NOT actually considering getting back together with her, are you?

 

I am gonna be harsh here, but you need to grow a backbone, block her, go no contact and move the hell on....

 

And in your next relationship, establish boundaries, and don't ever allow a woman to have control over you ever again..... she won't respect you, and more importantly, you won't respect yourself!

[joseb]

Im better of without her then? If nothing changes?

 

Is she your gf or your ex?

[katiegrl]

Is she your gf or your ex?

 

joseb, I think she is his ex ......cause in his opening post discussing their relationship ....he says "in my last relationship (now broken up)" .....

 

But who knows.

 

OP, can you clarify please?

 

I hope she is your ex!

[Gingerlocks]

she is my ex yes.

[Gingerlocks]

I guess thats for the best?

[GravityMan]

You did the right thing by breaking up with her. She does not seem like an emotionally healthy person. I'm wondering if she was very hurt from a prior relationship and she was being controlling towards you as a result of that.

 

I mean, for most emotionally stable and mature people...their GF/BF/spouse, their family, friends, career, hobbies, etc are ALL important to them, and they happily extend the same courtesy to their partners. They WANT to see their partners happy and comfortable. Time-wise, they find a way...a balance...to make it work to each other's satisfaction...obviously plenty of time set aside to spend with the partner, but also time to spend with friends and others. And time spent together simultaneously with both the SO and each other's friends and family. Yes, a bit of compromise here and there will probably be necessary.

 

I do agree with Elaine on one thing...you need to work on your scheduling skills and social skills, and show stronger commitment in your future relationships. It's not a good look to tell your (future) girlfriend "I want to see my bro on Friday, I can move you to Saturday". Especially if you and your GF already had something planned for Friday. That kind of attitude tends to make many people (both women and men) wonder about your commitment to the relationship. I mean...she's your girlfriend, not your business client. IMO, the converse of this is ALSO in poor taste...i.e. telling your brother "I want to see my GF on Friday, I can move you to Saturday". The thing is...this attitude in general may make people close to you feel disposable and un-valued, and nobody likes that. I think there are far better and more artful and tasteful ways to handle and communicate these kinds of situations.

 

And yeah, you gotta harden up that backbone of yours, dude.

Edited September 7, 2015 by GravityMan

[Gingerlocks]

You did the right thing by breaking up with her. She does not seem like an emotionally healthy person. I'm wondering if she was very hurt from a prior relationship and she was being controlling towards you as a result of that.

 

I mean, for most emotionally stable and mature people...their GF/BF/spouse, their family, friends, career, hobbies, etc are ALL important to them, and they happily extend the same courtesy to their partners. They WANT to see their partners happy and comfortable. Time-wise, they find a way...a balance...to make it work to each other's satisfaction...obviously plenty of time set aside to spend with the partner, but also time to spend with friends and others. And time spent together simultaneously with both the SO and each other's friends and family. Yes, a bit of compromise here and there will probably be necessary.

 

I do agree with Elaine on one thing...you need to work on your scheduling skills and social skills, and show stronger commitment in your future relationships. It's not a good look to tell your (future) girlfriend "I want to see my bro on Friday, I can move you to Saturday". Especially if you and your GF already had something planned for Friday. That kind of attitude tends to make many people (both women and men) wonder about your commitment to the relationship. I mean...she's your girlfriend, not your business client. IMO, the converse of this is ALSO in poor taste...i.e. telling your brother "I want to see my GF on Friday, I can move you to Saturday". The thing is...this attitude in general may make people close to you feel disposable and un-valued, and nobody likes that. I think there are far better and more artful and tasteful ways to handle and communicate these kinds of situations.

 

And yeah, you gotta harden up that backbone of yours, dude.

 

her ex-boyfriend did not treat her nice at all. She told me... Her mom told me that she will never find one who will treat her daughter as nice as i did.

I didn't break up with her btw. She broke up with me.

[rester]

Was it assumed that you would spend every weekend, all weekend with her? That doesn't seem reasonable to me whatsoever.

 

If that was the case, however, and you regularly would try to change plans last minute, I could see why she would get upset.

 

Perhaps better communication about upcoming plans and outings with friends/family will help in the future.

[Gingerlocks]

Was it assumed that you would spend every weekend, all weekend with her? That doesn't seem reasonable to me whatsoever.

 

If that was the case, however, and you regularly would try to change plans last minute, I could see why she would get upset.

 

Perhaps better communication about upcoming plans and outings with friends/family will help in the future.

 

No no, I would tell her DAYS before... So she could make other plans or something.

[Gloria25]

her ex-boyfriend did not treat her nice at all. She told me... Her mom told me that she will never find one who will treat her daughter as nice as i did.

I didn't break up with her btw. She broke up with me.

 

Oh pleeeze, so you're gonna be her "whipping boy" - where she puts irrational demands on who/where you can go?

 

Trust me, the day another guy like her ex pops up and treats her like a wash rag again, she'll cow/tow down and button her lip and take her beatings like a good school girl.

 

In other words, you may think that she's this poor little victim and that's why she's X way with you - but you fail to see chicks like her everyday pick a "patsy" to let out all their fury on and you're it in this case. In other words, you don't have the backbone her jerky ex did and/or another guy would and she's enjoying every minute of "for one" being the one to dish out the whippings instead of being on the receiving end.