Popsicle Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 I know some people heal, and some people never do, but I am just wondering how COMMON it is for a person to fully heal? I know it possible (I have healed) but wondering how common? Maybe it's just that I've been on this forum too long but it seems like so many people never heal ever and spend the rest of their lives sad or distrusting etc. because of what they've experienced, and this just makes me depressed. I don't want to be with someone like that. It's a heavy burden and they can't love and it's just not fun. But if it's the case that most older people have had experiences, what are the chances of finding someone who have healed and let the past go? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 I think some people pick their own emotional scabs. If you break your arm, you get a cast, you do some PT, and you get well. Emotional healing has the same potential to follow a physical healing pattern but you have to follow "doctor's orders" and not over-strain the injury / broken heart. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Popsicle Posted September 3, 2015 Author Share Posted September 3, 2015 I think some people pick their own emotional scabs. If you break your arm, you get a cast, you do some PT, and you get well. Emotional healing has the same potential to follow a physical healing pattern but you have to follow "doctor's orders" and not over-strain the injury / broken heart. I love the way you explained this. Do you think there are a fair number of people out there who are healed? Just wondering what my chances are. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Popsicle Posted September 3, 2015 Author Share Posted September 3, 2015 I suppose I am wondering how many single men over 30 have an open heart. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 Being hurt changes you forever, but you learn to move on and learn what you can from it. And if you have trouble with that, as many many people do, don't hesitate to get some counseling to speed up the process. It's easy to get in a downward spiral of depression. Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 I know some people heal, and some people never do, but I am just wondering how COMMON it is for a person to fully heal? I know it possible (I have healed) but wondering how common? Maybe it's just that I've been on this forum too long but it seems like so many people never heal ever and spend the rest of their lives sad or distrusting etc. because of what they've experienced, and this just makes me depressed. I don't want to be with someone like that. It's a heavy burden and they can't love and it's just not fun. But if it's the case that most older people have had experiences, what are the chances of finding someone who have healed and let the past go? In my experience most people heal. Some don't, often because they've defined themselves as a perennial victim, and relate to life and other people from that position. "Nothing ever works out for me. Nothing ever will, because I'm loser." And they are right. As long as they continue to entertain that thought, nothing will work out. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 I'll tell you my husband's story. He hadn't really dated for almost 10 years before he met me. He'd been on a few dates & was looking for someone to date. He got that way . . .all closed off . . . because a woman hurt him. He was in an LTR. He was all set to propose. . . arranged a fancy dinner & had the ring in his pocket. At that dinner she told him that she had concerns about their relationship because she didn't think he was serious enough about her. He listened to all her complaints, paid the bill & took her home, without ever proposing. In his mind he was doing everything to show how serious he was & if she didn't see that, she wasn't the one for him. It really shook his confidence. I don't know what I did to get him to let me in. He says it was because I was very forthright & didn't play games. On my end I did some of the silly stuff people do. If I missed a call, I forced myself to wait to call back so as not to appear too anxious. I got anxiety when he didn't call when I was expecting him to. I intentionally limited the # of times I'd see him per week (which wasn't really that tough because I had a FT job & 2 PT jobs when we met, plus I volunteered on 3 boards). I watched the clock when we were on the phone so I left him wanting more rather than getting sick of me. The night an EX of mine broke up with me, I thought he was going to propose so I was blindsided & really screwed up there. Another relationship ended after over a decade so I spent a lot of time wondering what I did wrong that he wouldn't marry me. My point is everybody has baggage. You just need to keep unpacking until you can get it from a steamer trunk to a carry on. Meanwhile self soothe your own scars 1 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 I know some people heal, and some people never do, but I am just wondering how COMMON it is for a person to fully heal? If one looks around, the vast majority of people are in apparently mutually satisfying relationships, to them, so they've reached a state to engage in and sustain such relationships. Is that 'fully healed'? Unknown. I know it possible (I have healed) but wondering how common? We each perceive possible, what healed means, and what common is, differently. My opinion is above. Maybe it's just that I've been on this forum too long but it seems like so many people never heal ever and spend the rest of their lives sad or distrusting etc IME, people come and go, as is normal in life. It's a path and a process. Sure, some people get stuck for awhile and some perhaps forever, but the vast majority continue on life's path and move on to other things and other relationships. I don't want to be with someone like that. It's a heavy burden and they can't love and it's just not fun. IMO, it's healthy that you have clear preferences about such matters. This makes the mate selection process efficient and little time is spent on incompatible people. But if it's the case that most older people have had experiences, what are the chances of finding someone who have healed and let the past go? IME, being older brings not only experience but opportunity for reflection and gaining personal wisdom from experience. Perfect? Nope! However, time generally brings more opportunities for growth, understanding and truth to be revealed. Those of us who live a long time have plenty of time to figure it out. What we do with that time is up to us. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 I think it depends on what one means by "fully healed." Some people think fully healed means "exactly like you were before." That is impossible. I am not exactly the same last week as I am today. I am not exactly the same today as I was before my marriage died, my friend died, my dog died.... Fully healed means we have moved on, we do not define ourselves by it, we are choosing to be fulfilled TODAY in spite of it, and we do not make our choices now based on it. At least to me. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 After my healing I was much happier than I ever thought I could be. I still am. Life just gets better and better, so the journey through the abyss was worth it. Link to post Share on other sites
Frank2thepoint Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 what are the chances of finding someone who have healed and let the past go? My personal take on being full healed is I've moved on from my past relationships, but I have not forgotten the good and the bad. From each, I've learned about myself and improved myself. But the improvement is subjective, because what I consider an improvement or refinement, might not be to someone else. For example, from my first ex-girlfriend, I've learned that I do not want to be in another relationship with a woman that is not affectionate. Now this may be endearing to some, while it could be needy to others. From my third ex-girlfriend, I've learned not to tolerate a woman that is maintaining contact with her ex-boyfriend. For me it's a deal breaker, but someone can easily say I have not fully healed because I am unwilling to compromise. I suppose I am wondering how many single men over 30 have an open heart. Speaking for myself, yes I am over 30 and have an open heart. Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 Fully healed? Not sure that's in the cards. I am a permanently changed person. Open heart? Absolutely. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 Fully healed? Not sure that's in the cards. I am a permanently changed person. Open heart? Absolutely. This illustrated my point well. Everything in our lives changes us, and traumatic and major events change us even more profoundly. We can never go back....not without a flux capacitor However, while we do not have the choice to go back, we do have the choice to heal...but it only happens at OUR pace and not someone else's. And yes, count me as another over 30 with an open heart. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 I know some people heal, and some people never do, but I am just wondering how COMMON it is for a person to fully heal? I know it possible (I have healed) but wondering how common? Maybe it's just that I've been on this forum too long but it seems like so many people never heal ever and spend the rest of their lives sad or distrusting etc. because of what they've experienced, and this just makes me depressed. I don't want to be with someone like that. It's a heavy burden and they can't love and it's just not fun. But if it's the case that most older people have had experiences, what are the chances of finding someone who have healed and let the past go? I think you can find them Pops. Not just cheerleading there, I mean literally they're out there. It's true I think that most ppl who've reached their 30s have some baggage, but it all depends on how severe the damage was and how they reacted to it. Not everyone gives up, and not everyone gets killed, and while some ppl who don't get killed still give up, there's still the ppl who survived and don't give up. LOL I guess it's really just a matter of numbers ....the heartache death rate isn't 100%, and neither is the institutionalization rate. So yeah they're out there. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 Fully healed? Not sure that's in the cards. I am a permanently changed person. Open heart? Absolutely. Fully healed doesn't mean unchanged. I'm hardly recognisable as the person I was before. Thankfully... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted September 4, 2015 Share Posted September 4, 2015 I can honestly say we are in the best place in our relationship we have ever been....yes my affair was 32 years ago....but it took us 30 years to jump the final hurdle of healing. triggers certainly still happen...but we both can move past them I am no longer defined by my affair....our marriage is a success....we are both comfortable Relationships have so many dynamics...we go through so many stages.... John and i are in our twilight years...i am 60 he is 63....we are looking towards the sunsets of our lives....so much more behind us than what lies ahead and even though i broke his heart....even though i was evil and vile....we both knew that ultimately what we wanted was to be together.... We have both worked hard toward that goal....hand in hand...pushing forward..past the pain...past the triggers....past the infidelity Our marriage is not perfect...there will forever be a scar to remind us of my infidelity.....but the scar does not define who i am...or who we are as a couple. Healing comes with time....with perseverance...with love....with transparency.... Trust can return...hope returns... The most important thing in a relationship is COMFORT To sit in your most comfortable chair to wear your most comfortable shoes to live in a place of comfort... comfortable in loving someone who betrayed you....who tore your world apart...and yet to put your heart in their keeping and saying...it doesn't matter....because i love you more than the hurt.... that is what my john has said to me...i love you more than the hurt...says absolutely everything...and i will never hurt him again........ 1 Link to post Share on other sites
casey.lives Posted September 4, 2015 Share Posted September 4, 2015 people can only heal if the conditions are right. If you are still in the grinder ... no amount of positive words or denial will resolve your situation. words can actually be meaningless... surprise surprise Link to post Share on other sites
sportygirl89 Posted September 5, 2015 Share Posted September 5, 2015 My ex walked out when I was sick. I don't think I'll ever be healed from it. But I think of it more that I've moved on. Can't judge everyone's story. I've stayed primarily single. Have not met the right guy to open myself to). Link to post Share on other sites
JustGettingBy Posted September 5, 2015 Share Posted September 5, 2015 Here's something I've heard, and then past on to others: Picture your life as a tree, and when someone hurts you it leaves a mark on the tree. Sure, you can cope by clean it up and wipe away a few of the smaller imperfections it caused, which really does help, but you can't make it go away. The mark, however won't grow...but the tree will, meaning that the mark will become a smaller and smaller part of the tree. The question is, what part of that are you focusing on? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gold Pile Posted September 6, 2015 Share Posted September 6, 2015 I suppose I am wondering how many single men over 30 have an open heart. Don't know about my heart, but my pants are always open for the right lady. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted September 6, 2015 Share Posted September 6, 2015 You're fortunate. My zipper never fully healed. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Popsicle Posted September 6, 2015 Author Share Posted September 6, 2015 This thread is depressing. Link to post Share on other sites
Gold Pile Posted September 6, 2015 Share Posted September 6, 2015 This thread is depressing. Poor Popsicle, I feel bad for you. Try look at it this way. Everyone is shaped by both the bad and good things that happen to them. For most of us these events are character forming. To suffer a loss and not be influenced by it, is to have learned nothing from the experience. Think of an older person that you respect for their wisdom and understanding of life. Have they not at least lost their parents and had a broken relationship or 2? Wouldn't they be less wise if they never had a loss of any kind? You are youngish female. You don't get more sensitive than that. You are intelligent and you will cope with life's inevitable issues better and better as time goes on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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