What is my girlfriend doing? 8 years together ignoring me

[cameroona]

Hi everyone,

 

I have made a thread here a while back but this is kinda an update and I need some advice.

I really need some external insight on what is happening in my life at the moment.

 

Basically I have been with my girlfriend for nearly 8 years, I am 30 and she is 26. I met her when she was 18 and I was 22.

 

For the first 4/5 years we were really in love, she constantly looked for my attention and was always texting calling me and loved being around me.

However I started to take her for granted, quite severely. Im embarrassed to say that in particular I was very sexually selfish , I very rarely had sex with her after this point and it was quite one sided. I play a lot of sports and often would come home tired and not in the mood.

I would go as far to say that she cooked cleaned and I took her very badly for granted.

 

A month ago I found a bombshell in her phone that she had a one night stand when out drunk , I actually remember the night it happened as I was curious why she didnt come home but just reckoned she stayed at her friends house. I was absolutely devastated and still am that she could do this after all this time.

 

It wasn't untill I confronted her that she finally admitted it. I asked her if she still loved me at the time, she said she did but not as much as she used to.

 

She is staying at her mothers and has said that she wants us to work out and work on things but wants her own space. She mentioned that she wants to rent out a property for a while a swell as she has never really had her own place, that she would like to do this for 6 months or so and I could come over etc.

She says she wants a fresh start with me but I can tell she isnt the same as she was with me.

 

The thing is she is being very distant in texts and doest really make plans with me , its always me making the plans. I feel as though that the relationship is now on her terms.

Our sex life is actually the best it has been in years though and we are trying lots of new things.

 

Can I win her back as I am willing to make things work. The one thing that I guess I dont quite understand is that I would prefer her to move back and us to actually see if we can make it as a couple after what happened, as

 

Any advice is greatly appreciated, as my feelings are constantly all over the place.

otherwise I feel I am wasting time on seeing each other 2/3 times a week .

Thank

[Satu]

Attention is a food that we all need.

 

You underfed her.

 

She got hungry.

 

Hence your current situation.

 

Give this some serious thought, and find ways of being more attentive.

 

If you don't, its over.

Edited September 2, 2015 by Satu

[PaperCrane]

She's breaking up with you slowly.

 

Let her go and end it now. This doesn't bode well for the future at all.

[cameroona]

Satu, I appreciate your response.

 

Can you provide a bit more insight?

[SSJROMANCE]

You guys were young when you met and sometimes when you are that young and committed to a long term relationship you wonder what else is out there. She hasn't experienced many other guys and that's what happened to your girlfriend. It happens - it happened to me after 8 years of dating. But for me I didn't know what was going on but I knew something was. So when she left I didn't call her and beg for her to come back. I just let her go if that was what she wanted.

 

You need to make a decision about whether you can trust her in the long run or not. Is she once again someday going to wander out behind your back and have an affair? Once a cheater always a cheater. I feel for you. I agree 8 years is a long time to throw away but then again your girlfriend apparently doesn't mind throwing it all away.

[WomenWubber]

I'm sorry to say this, but this relationship may be twisted beyond repair.

 

Her good behavior towards you got her nothing but indiference.

 

Then she cheated on you, and she finally has you exactly where she wanted. But now it turns out that she doesn't feel the same as before, which in turn makes you want her more.

 

I think I can see this train wreck coming a mile away.

[xUnknown]

End it with her before she ends it with you. Leave with your pride.

[cameroona]

Thanks for the response guys.

 

I think the toughest thing is that I have been with her for this length of time-8 years.

 

Her friends have all just left travelling around the world , she couldnt go as she couldnt afford it.

 

I guess I know in my mind the best thing for me to do is to end it but I just cant:(.

 

Its really tough at the moment, she has said last night that she would try and move in at some point for a few nights a week to see how we are getting on?

 

It definately is a rollercoaster as one minute I think god she isnt interested and the next she will text me or when we meet its actually pretty good.

[craw]

Let her go.

 

Why should she stick around?

 

Incase you go through another one of your fazes of not being attentive and one side sex? jeez.

 

Imagine what it would be like once you decide to have children.

[craw]

Thanks for the response guys.

 

I think the toughest thing is that I have been with her for this length of time-8 years.

 

Her friends have all just left travelling around the world , she couldnt go as she couldnt afford it.

 

 

Do you really love her? Are you earning money?

 

Buy her that airplane ticket for her to join her friends.

 

She doesn't need a lot of money and you will gift her a life changing experience.

[Qboro90]

The ONLY way you will ever get her back is if you let her move out into her own place and explore her own identity without you for a while. Just know that it's probably going to be at least a year if she rents a place and also face that it's 90% over so don't put all your eggs in her basket for the future.

 

Begging and promising to change and bring the spark back like it was when you met isn't going to do anything. That's guilting her to stay and she's eventually going to resent you for it. For goodness sake, she cheated on you. She's the one who should be begging and trying to make it work.

 

Even if you weren't the best BF, that doesn't make it ok for her to cheat. If she loved you she would've respected you enough to tell you "hey I'm not feeling the same spark or emotion that we once had and I don't want to do something that's going to hurt or disrespect/embarrass you by staying together" is all she had to say.

 

No contact. Let her live.

[cameroona]

Ive came to the brutal realisation that I have been an immature selfish boy in my previous years and that I love her despite her cheating on me.

 

We are still together but as time goes on she is very cold in replying to my text messages.

 

A few weeks ago she booked a lodge for us in November so that kinda made me feel like she wants things to work on Sunday she asked what dates I wanted to go.

 

However on Saturday night after a few drinks we had a small argument that went into how we are at the moment, things she said were-.

 

She doesn't miss me like she used to, she wishes she did, she wishes that we could be apart for a while and she got miss me again.She actually said she felt like she could apart from me for a week.

 

She did mention that she can't split up with me though and enjoys spending time with me, I asked her how she felt about me and she said she couldn't answer that.

 

 

This is ****ing tearing me apart.

 

I should end it but I cant , I should man up but I can't.

My mental state goes from being depressed and sad to a sudden rush of euphoria when she texts or calls me.

 

In other ways the relationship is fine, we are having really good sex she sends me dirty pictures etc. I feel like the physical part is there but the emotionally part is absent,

Is there anyway to win her back without splitting up with her, I sometimes think that if she moved back in we would be closer,

 

After 8 years which seems like forever, the prospect of being single is extremely daunting.

[perol]

Dude she cheated on you, she's not showing any remorse and conversely, she's backed off and your'e the one chasing. For this to work, she should be the one trying to win YOU back since she's the one that cheated. Your response to her cheating is very weak and girls aren't attracted to weak. What you should have done- what you should still do at this point is pull way back and decide if you will continue the relationship, she is not the one to be in the position of decision making given what has happened.

 

But you can't because you're too weak? You're selling your soul to a woman who no longer values you and the relationship the way she used to. If you don't do as I suggest, the decision will be made for you, and you will be dumped. Its probably too late anyway but you're doing nothing to help yourself here.

 

 

A few weeks ago she booked a lodge for us in November so that kinda made me feel like she wants things to work on Sunday she asked what dates I wanted to go.

 

If the place is booked, why is she asking you what dates you want to go?

That doesn't make sense.

 

After 8 years which seems like forever, the prospect of being single is extremely daunting.

 

Imagine doing that after a 30 year marriage. It happens.. all the time.

 

Lose the fear, get out of the headlights, move forward and be strong. Or roll over and take what's coming to you anyway.

[SoFrustrated]

My boyfriend is currently doing what you say you 'used' to do. He's a selfish ass both inside and outside the bedroom. I went to hospital this morning with bad stomach pain. He has complained all day how annoyed he is that he didn't get to see his friends at the races.

If you're anything like he is, I understand her

[Popsicle]

I think she's over you and wants someone new, but wants to keep you as a back up in case no one else works out. I'm sorry.

[acrosstheuniverse]

Relationships rarely work out when one partner moves out and wants their 'independence' for a while.

 

It's sad that you only realised how bad you wanted her once she cheated on you. You're both in the wrong, you shouldn't have taken her for granted and neglected her, but she could have talked to you about the state of the relationships and asked you to go to counselling or step up your game or she'd leave you rather than being unfaithful, there's no excuse for cheating because the relationship has gone bad when it's so easy to separate without kids or a house.

 

I think if you got together you'd struggle to trust her again and honestly by this point, she's probably struggling to retain her feelings for you. When someone doesn't prioritise you, treats you like second place, doesn't make you feel wanted or loved or needed it's very difficult to keep feeling those same feelings for a partner.

 

I left someone after four years partly because it wore me down that I was always more into him, he was more into video games and his friends, eventually I left because someone else came along I wanted to explore (couldn't cheat so I knew we had to end it) and my partner realised how badly he didn't want to waste four years, wanted me back etc. etc. but it was just impossible to bring that love back.

 

This is a mess, seems you got together too young, don't communicate, you didn't appreciate her and she doesn't have much in the way of commitment to values like fidelity. Walk away.

[cameroona]

An update here guys

 

We are supposed to be going away next weekend for a holiday, and we see each other much more regularly now, like 4/5 times a week. She has said that we are getting on much better and we have begun dating again and affection is much better from her side.

 

The one thing that irks me is that she doesn't ever text me that much, like today she hasnt bothered to contact me at all.Some days she does though.

 

Everytime I feel like I should end it or she has been ignoring me severely she always seems so relaxed and chilled when I get in contact with her so I feel silly for getting so wound up, but surely speaking to your partner at least once a day is reasonable??

 

When I ask her to call me she usually does though and she is staying at her mothers so she is always busy helping her with the kids. Im just struggling with the fact that she used to text several times a day and now Im lucky if I get one when im not with her, it definitely stems from my insecurities of her cheating and I think she does feel it,

 

But then she goes and books us away for a trip at christmas?

 

I have said to her that if she doesn't want to be with me she should let me know, she says she wouldnt be here if she didnt.

 

How can I find the strength to end this ,I know this isnt going to end well, I just feel like such a failure, we have been together for 8 years and everyone still asks me when we are getting married(oblivious to what has happened or what is going on).

 

 

My brain cannot figure out what it wants, how does someone not come across as weak and needy but still demand/take control of a relationship that his girlfriend is now commanding?

 

I feel like since it has been nearly 4 months since she moved out I should ask her to move back and see how it goes. If she isnt ready then I'm not sure what I will do , I feel like I want someone who wants me.

 

I used to have that unconditional love from her, I blew it and now im wondering if I will ever get that back. I know women are much different creatures from men, and cannot simply switch back after such events have occured.

 

I fear that if I ask for a break that it will be over for good,

[Hurtandsad]

I feel bad for you. I'm in a similar situation as I was neglectful for years, and was a terrible husband at times. She finally started talking to a guy she met at our daughters school, and I nearly lost my wife over it all. Fast forward 6 months, and after living in hell, meds to help me sleep, and counselling, plus much hard work by myself, and commitment to change, things are going great for the most part again. It can be done if you want it bad enough. Like you, I panicked, and basically blamed myself for her straying, although hers was just emotional affair as far as I can tell. I became clingy, needy, and constantly anxious. I feel your pain, and hope it works out for you. This is a great site, and helps many people, but there is also too many doom and gloom people here that only give advice from their failures, and forget that every situation is different, as are the people involved. Good luck!

[cameroona]

Hey hurtandsad, thabk you for sharing , means a lot.

 

Can you advise on what helps you when you feel clingy/needy towards your wife ?

 

Because at times I feel like I come across like this since I discovered she cheated

[cameroona]

Another update and would appreciate some feedback on the take you guys have .

 

We went away on a weekend away to the lodge and she made multiple references on that she would like yto get married "someday" at the place we were at and seemed happy .

 

She came round the other day an seemed a bit aloof at first and I gave her some space but she in bed she wondered why I didn't hug her and came in closer.

 

It seems like every time I think she isn't interested she throws a curve ball in.

 

For example this morning she texts me to complain about her work and she hasn't bothered to reply to mine ,this happens a lot what should I do in this instance .

 

I've said to her before that I don't want be in his relationship if her heart isn in it and she said she wouldn't be here if she wasn't .

 

I want to give this a shot but I'm conscious that I don't want to push her away by being too clinging , but I feel needy at times as I'm looking for assurance after she cheated ( ibam aware not to do this )