chastity vs kink

[kivan3x]

chaste monk vs kink artist

 

Hello all

 

well i was last here, many, many moons ago, despairing on my then relationship, and my inability to forget my ex’s past.

 

the whole sordid story is here:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/general/general-relationship-discussion/104243-can-t-forget-past-its-kinda-killing-me-bit-dark

 

(I can’t seem to post from my old username probably due to inactivity)

 

well, that relationship well and truly ended. when she said it was over, it was over. I was broken but I deserved everything I got for being so blind to what we had, and for making her feel so **** for so many years. Needless to say, as soon as it was over, I realised what a total dufus I was - I lost something very special, and there was no going back.

 

So, fast forward 6 years, and here I am, still alone, there’s been nobody since. If I'm honest I do still miss that girl, and the love we had, but I’ve been happy, working on myself, enjoying life, ridding myself of my demons. I’ve been in no rush to find another relationship, I’ll dutifully wait for Love, as I always have.

 

However, there are some recent developments. About 3-4 years ago, I decided to give up porn and masturbation, and indeed all sexual thought. I felt that the last relationship had left me too kinky (we were / I am pretty kinky), and that I needed to reboot myself to make another relationship workable. It went ok, but invariably, after a heavy night of booze and recreational drugs, I’d relapse. And thereafter would follow feelings of guilt and worthlessness. There’s whole movement and a system for men to give up porn - it may sound ridiculous, but please note most men have been masturbating to porn since puberty, and for many it has become an engrained practise and not one so easy to totally erase.

 

anyway, so in spite of the occasional relapse, I felt good - more wholesome, empowered, less kinky. But it felt like I was suppressing something.

 

Then, ironically enough, on one of the forums for giving up porn I used to visit, someone inadvertently mentioned a forum for fetishists. I checked it out and was immediately hooked - all the things I was trying to give up were being celebrated here.

 

then I had the idea to create my own profile picture, and BOOM, I’d created my first ever erotic art piece, my kinks and fetishes as clear and present as all those years ago, after all those years of trying to not think about them. the piece was pretty good too, and garnered a fair reaction. and ever since, there I’ve been, painting my deepest, darkest fantasies, with the view that it might attract my The One to me - the thing with this place is there are almost as many women as men, and it is mostly women who have connected with me through my art. more attention than I get in normal life, invisible as I am and try to be. And online dating doesn’t work for me. And in real life, well, I just haven't met anyone.

 

My hope is that eventually someone, just right for me, who shares some of my kinks, finds me through my art and my words there. Believe it or not, this feels possible.

 

But there is of course an opposite, lurid side to the whole thing - for every intelligent young woman on there there are twenty perverted men. I am hyper aware of the hypocrisy of that statement. (and anyway, isn’t that just life..?)

 

Anyway, at first I found myself very torn, but it has become the norm, creating this work, it getting more attention, motivated by the hope of finding someone. The chaste lifestyle was spiritual and one where I was totally accountable for all of my actions and I felt good. This present path has me indulging my sexuality and fetishes which I haven’t done since my ex, and equally it feels good - people are connecting with me, I’ve met some really amazing people there who are really supportive of me and my artwork, and I am facing and accepting my deepest kinks and desires.

 

I’m not sure what I’m after by posting this here. Will I listen if someone makes the perfect argument for returning to the chaste and spiritual, which I guess deep down in my heart I know to be right? My exes were amazing, kinky lovers, because they loved me, we loved each other, not because we necessarily had kinks in common to begin with. I know this. I don’t know. I don’t deserve nor desire any sympathy. There were some amazing men I made friends with on the giving up porn site, but I don’t feel I can post there any more - my path can only serve as a potential trigger for relapse, it’s not a helpful story for people trying to give up sexual thought - and the view from the fetish community is predictably one sided.

 

Why am I writing this here? Probably for attention, right? to not feel so alone. to not be alone with these thoughts, as before, and to hear the opinions of anyone who might be interested..

 

with love

 

kivan4

Edited August 3, 2015 by kivan3x

[NewLeaf512]

chaste monk vs kink artist

 

Hello all

 

well i was last here, many, many moons ago, despairing on my then relationship, and my inability to forget my ex’s past.

 

the whole sordid story is here:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/general/general-relationship-discussion/104243-can-t-forget-past-its-kinda-killing-me-bit-dark

 

(I can’t seem to post from my old username probably due to inactivity)

 

well, that relationship well and truly ended. when she said it was over, it was over. I was broken but I deserved everything I got for being so blind to what we had, and for making her feel so **** for so many years. Needless to say, as soon as it was over, I realised what a total dufus I was - I lost something very special, and there was no going back.

 

So, fast forward 6 years, and here I am, still alone, there’s been nobody since. If I'm honest I do still miss that girl, and the love we had, but I’ve been happy, working on myself, enjoying life, ridding myself of my demons. I’ve been in no rush to find another relationship, I’ll dutifully wait for Love, as I always have.

 

However, there are some recent developments. About 3-4 years ago, I decided to give up porn and masturbation, and indeed all sexual thought. I felt that the last relationship had left me too kinky (we were / I am pretty kinky), and that I needed to reboot myself to make another relationship workable. It went ok, but invariably, after a heavy night of booze and recreational drugs, I’d relapse. And thereafter would follow feelings of guilt and worthlessness. There’s whole movement and a system for men to give up porn - it may sound ridiculous, but please note most men have been masturbating to porn since puberty, and for many it has become an engrained practise and not one so easy to totally erase.

 

anyway, so in spite of the occasional relapse, I felt good - more wholesome, empowered, less kinky. But it felt like I was suppressing something.

 

Then, ironically enough, on one of the forums for giving up porn I used to visit, someone inadvertently mentioned a forum for fetishists. I checked it out and was immediately hooked - all the things I was trying to give up were being celebrated here.

 

then I had the idea to create my own profile picture, and BOOM, I’d created my first ever erotic art piece, my kinks and fetishes as clear and present as all those years ago, after all those years of trying to not think about them. the piece was pretty good too, and garnered a fair reaction. and ever since, there I’ve been, painting my deepest, darkest fantasies, with the view that it might attract my The One to me - the thing with this place is there are almost as many women as men, and it is mostly women who have connected with me through my art. more attention than I get in normal life, invisible as I am and try to be. And online dating doesn’t work for me. And in real life, well, I just haven't met anyone.

 

My hope is that eventually someone, just right for me, who shares some of my kinks, finds me through my art and my words there. Believe it or not, this feels possible.

 

But there is of course an opposite, lurid side to the whole thing - for every intelligent young woman on there there are twenty perverted men. I am hyper aware of the hypocrisy of that statement. (and anyway, isn’t that just life..?)

 

Anyway, at first I found myself very torn, but it has become the norm, creating this work, it getting more attention, motivated by the hope of finding someone. The chaste lifestyle was spiritual and one where I was totally accountable for all of my actions and I felt good. This present path has me indulging my sexuality and fetishes which I haven’t done since my ex, and equally it feels good - people are connecting with me, I’ve met some really amazing people there who are really supportive of me and my artwork, and I am facing and accepting my deepest kinks and desires.

 

I’m not sure what I’m after by posting this here. Will I listen if someone makes the perfect argument for returning to the chaste and spiritual, which I guess deep down in my heart I know to be right? My exes were amazing, kinky lovers, because they loved me, we loved each other, not because we necessarily had kinks in common to begin with. I know this. I don’t know. I don’t deserve nor desire any sympathy. There were some amazing men I made friends with on the giving up porn site, but I don’t feel I can post there any more - my path can only serve as a potential trigger for relapse, it’s not a helpful story for people trying to give up sexual thought - and the view from the fetish community is predictably one sided.

 

Why am I writing this here? Probably for attention, right? to not feel so alone. to not be alone with these thoughts, as before, and to hear the opinions of anyone who might be interested..

 

with love

 

kivan4

 

Sounds like Fer Life. I personally find masterbation a natural manifeston of human sexuality and most people have an active imagination. Do you need the porn? Being chaste to me doesn't mean not involving yourself with another person sexually. Abstinence means no sexual behaviour.

[still_an_Angel]

 

Will I listen if someone makes the perfect argument for returning to the chaste and spiritual, which I guess deep down in my heart I know to be right? My exes were amazing, kinky lovers, because they loved me, we loved each other, not because we necessarily had kinks in common to begin with. I know this. I don’t know. I don’t deserve nor desire any sympathy. There were some amazing men I made friends with on the giving up porn site, but I don’t feel I can post there any more - my path can only serve as a potential trigger for relapse, it’s not a helpful story for people trying to give up sexual thought - and the view from the fetish community is predictably one sided.

 

 

 

 

Why do you suppress your kinky side? This is who you are, sure aiming to be chaste and spiritual is good goal but you have to truly believe in chastity and spirituality very strongly and have that vision in order to achieve it.

 

 

I guess I don't get why you would stamp down your true self. There's nothing wrong with being kinky, this is just one side of a kinky person. There are a lot out there in the kinky community who are respected people in their own professional fields. Kink has nothing to do with it.

 

 

How can you be happy with yourself knowing you've imprisoned the real you?

[elaine567]

The giving up porn movement is not about chastity, it is about rerouting sexuality back to sex with living breathing humans, and away from being addicted to images on a screen and only being satisfied by masturbation.

[kivan3x]

thanks for the replies..

 

hmm, yes, on the one hand of course it feels good to indulge the fetishes, and this side of me.. but it's the success stories from those who have given up porn, masturbation, and indeed sexual thought, that leaves me unsure - those who have gone a year+ without, seem to have ridden themselves of those porn derived fantasies, and are physically restored to being turned on by, y'know, just the situation of being with someone, as opposed to needing all those kinks and perversions ..

 

The motivation is to be less kinky and fetishistic, so I am open to any relationship. I can't expect anyone to be where I was at with my ex after 8 years of kink, right at the beginning of a relationship..

 

if I follow this fetish path, then it kinda leads me to needing to be with someone with perversions akin to mine.. (which in one way is ideal)

 

on the other hand, if I abstain, I become a 'normal' healthy person, and love will find me from a whole different angle (which from another angle feels more.. 'right'.. )

 

dunno.

 

yours, as ever, undecided

 

kivan3

xx