Girlfriend Confuses Me

[SSM3]

Hi Guys n Gals

 

Need some help on something, I've been seeing a woman who is baffling me slightly.

We've been hooking up for a few months now, have fun together and get on grand.

 

When we first met contact was daily, but now the contact is just every few days or so. I am fine with this but it's always me who initiates conversation. When I do message her (text or FB) the response is normally pretty quick.

 

We are not in an exclusive relationship as it's early doors between us. We agreed that if there was someone else the other person would tell the other.

 

Anyway, I challenged her last week and asked her why the contact was less, why we'd only hooked up a few times and why its always me who initiates things.

 

I can't work out what she wants and she doesn't show any emotions, nothing. She has had previous relationships where she has been hurt and doesn't want to get hurt again so she shares zero of her feelings.

 

I said I want to just end this because I am wasting my time. She didn't seem happy and said she wants to carry on. I asked her "what do you want then" she replied that she doesn't know....but further into the conversation I managed to get it out of her that she does know but doesn't want to tell me so she protects herself and doesn't get hurt.She doesn't want to tell me because she doesn't want to 'put herself out-there'. She also went on to say that the way she acts has caused problems in other relationships too. I said that I am not going to hang around if I am wasting my time and she said I am not, and she is 'keeping me on my toes'. She is not bored of things and wants to carry things on and I have told her what I want, and some of my feelings towards her so she knows what I am thinking.

 

If I ask her what she is thinking or wants...she just replies 'not saying'.

 

I have challenged her twice on the matter previously and tried to end it but she doesn't want that.

 

What's going through her mind??

Edited July 29, 2015 by SSM3
Thought of something else to add

[TaraMaiden2]

She's already told you.

Previous experiences have caused her to build walls and be emotionally distant because she fears being hurt again.

You're not her therapist.

Either suggest she gets serious counselling or quit this foolishness.

 

Or do both.

 

If she already has counselling, either it's not the right kind, or she's not putting in the work.

 

Quit.

 

Oh, I said that already, didn't I?

[SSM3]

She's already told you.

Previous experiences have caused her to build walls and be emotionally distant because she fears being hurt again.

You're not her therapist.

Either suggest she gets serious counselling or quit this foolishness.

 

Or do both.

 

If she already has counselling, either it's not the right kind, or she's not putting in the work.

 

Quit.

 

Oh, I said that already, didn't I?

 

She won't have had counselling, nor is that an option either. It's just foolishness and immaturity on her behalf. I have no idea what she wants from me, or this relationship and she will tell me. If she sees it as fun, fine...but I have no idea!

 

What I don't quite get though is a few weeks ago she wouldn't leave me alone, now the contact is much less. I asked if she is bored and wants to call it quits and she replied 'no'.

 

I can't put this girl down but for my own sanity I think I am going to back off.

[TaraMaiden2]

She won't have had counselling, nor is that an option either.

Just curious as to why....?

 

It's just foolishness and immaturity on her behalf. I have no idea what she wants from me, or this relationship and she will tell me. If she sees it as fun, fine...but I have no idea!

Frankly, who cares? maybe she enjoys messing with guy's heads by being remote, beguiling and distant....

 

What I don't quite get though is a few weeks ago she wouldn't leave me alone, now the contact is much less. I asked if she is bored and wants to call it quits and she replied 'no'.

Well she reeled you in with apparent enthusiasm and interest... now she's letting the line out and go slack, so you'll keep playing on the bait....

 

I MUST put this girl down but for my own sanity I think I am going to walk away completely and stop being her yo-yo.

Fixed that for you.

[Clarence_Boddicker]

If you think she's worth waiting for, then keep it as a casual but monogamous FWB situation.

 

 

If you can't stand waiting for her to decide on you or let her defenses down, then leave.

 

 

Forcing her to decide or give you answers is not an option.

[SSM3]

Just curious as to why....?

 

 

Frankly, who cares? maybe she enjoys messing with guy's heads by being remote, beguiling and distant....

 

[/i]

Fixed that for you.

 

I don't think she realises that she is doing my head in, she has only had a small number of bf's

[elaine567]

She won't have had counselling, nor is that an option either. It's just foolishness and immaturity on her behalf. I have no idea what she wants from me, or this relationship and she will tell me. If she sees it as fun, fine...but I have no idea!

 

 

That is what happens when you date a woman 18 years younger than yourself. I am presuming this is the same one, the one that chats happily with co workers, but clams up with you. The one who you just went on holiday with.

 

You have been seeing her since April and have not had the exclusivity talk?

[elaine567]

Did you ever get rid of that long term gf or is she still on the scene too?

[SSM3]

That is what happens when you date a woman 18 years younger than yourself. I am presuming this is the same one, the one that chats happily with co workers, but clams up with you. The one who you just went on holiday with.

 

You have been seeing her since April and have not had the exclusivity talk?

 

Yeah I know it's related with her age and experience in relationships, her maturity (or lack of) is now shining brightly

 

We went away (as you know) but when we start talking about exclusivity and feelings she just clams up.

 

I have since found it that she is very quiet at work, and work colleagues. It's only after a couple of glasses she loosens up!

[SSM3]

Did you ever get rid of that long term gf or is she still on the scene too?

 

We are not together

[elaine567]

We went away (as you know) but when we start talking about exclusivity and feelings she just clams up.

 

I do not buy the "I am scared to get hurt", as exclusivity is a forward step, if that was what she was really afraid of.

I am guessing she doesn't really want exclusivity, because she is seeing or wants to see other people. Just because she is quiet, doesn't mean she is necessarily virgin-like in her dealings with men.

 

I think people can say a lot, but their actions are often a truer reflection of how they feel.

She was enthusiastic, now you are doing the running - she wouldn't leave you alone, now she is cool and distant.

I guess she is just not feeling it, but face to face she cannot come out and say it, she loses her nerve, she instead tries to smooth things over, in case it causes anger or upset ie conflict. She is a conflict avoider, she is going with the flow and not rocking any boats, as she cannot cope with that. Better to mosey along in a bad relationship until you finally pull the plug in frustration, than for her to stand up and say for definite "I do not want this."

In this way, she leaves you confused and in limbo.

[SSM3]

I do not buy the "I am scared to get hurt", as exclusivity is a forward step, if that was what she was really afraid of.

I am guessing she doesn't really want exclusivity, because she is seeing or wants to see other people. Just because she is quiet, doesn't mean she is necessarily virgin-like in her dealings with men.

 

I think people can say a lot, but their actions are often a truer reflection of how they feel.

She was enthusiastic, now you are doing the running - she wouldn't leave you alone, now she is cool and distant.

I guess she is just not feeling it, but face to face she cannot come out and say it, she loses her nerve, she instead tries to smooth things over, in case it causes anger or upset ie conflict. She is a conflict avoider, she is going with the flow and not rocking any boats, as she cannot cope with that. Better to mosey along in a bad relationship until you finally pull the plug in frustration, than for her to stand up and say for definite "I do not want this."

In this way, she leaves you confused and in limbo.

 

I think the 'age thing' may be starting to play on her mind, I am not sure. I am realistic and know this will not last the cause. I am not totally comfortable with it either.

 

She has been hurt and cheated by all her ex's so this has made her clam up. 3 of them have cheated and the last one was a jerk, so this has made her who she is.

 

I said last week that I don't know what what I want, on one hand to break it off and the other I don't know. I have given her plenty of opportunities to break things too and said to her a couple of weeks ago lets meet up for a last time...she then replied back and asked 'don't I want this anymore?' She did say the other night that if she didn't want it she would tell me, but her actions are just odd! I have tried to break things off but she doesn't let me. We have agreed that if we did break what we have we would be friends, we have to (but that is another subject!).

 

Well, I am not chasing her no-more.

 

I am a realist and know that age gap relationships don't last, I think this one has ran it's cause.

[Popsicle]

If the roles were reversed (and they often are) this is where someone would exclaim, "He's just not that into you".

[SSM3]

If the roles were reversed (and they often are) this is where someone would exclaim, "He's just not that into you".

 

The thing is, if I say lets meet up or do something at the weekend she always agrees!

[SSM3]

Anyway, I've decided I'm sacking things off. But I am still baffled

[road]

Anyway, I've decided I'm sacking things off. But I am still baffled

Me too.

 

 

When you do not realize that 18 years younger is large of a difference.

[elaine567]

The thing is, if I say lets meet up or do something at the weekend she always agrees!

 

That is what conflict avoiders, emotophobes, people who fear negative emotion, people pleasers do. She wants to keep the peace at any cost, she pretends everything is fine. She doesn’t want to rock the boat.

 

She imagines you will be hurt, annoyed, angry with her if she says no, so she says yes.

 

They can get themselves into trouble with cheating too.

He gives her attention, she doesn't want to disappoint or annoy him, so she ends up sleeping with him, whether she wants to or not, as it is so difficult for her to say no.

[SSM3]

That is what conflict avoiders, emotophobes, people who fear negative emotion, people pleasers do. She wants to keep the peace at any cost, she pretends everything is fine. She doesn’t want to rock the boat.

 

She imagines you will be hurt, annoyed, angry with her if she says no, so she says yes.

 

They can get themselves into trouble with cheating too.

He gives her attention, she doesn't want to disappoint or annoy him, so she ends up sleeping with him, whether she wants to or not, as it is so difficult for her to say no.

 

I am not totally with you on this one, if she didn't want to do something she would say. She is very stubborn, more than I am! I have ended this previously because I didn't think she wanted it, but she replied she did and appeared a little concerned that I didn't so I agreed to carry things on .

 

I have given her plenty of opportunities to end this and walk away, but she won't and I get the answer 'why would I want to end it?' But she is definitely not telling me how things really are.

 

I will not be getting involved with a much younger person again, even though I have enjoyed this recent journey!

Edited July 29, 2015 by SSM3

[Popsicle]

Some people are just boring.

[oldshirt]

I went out with several women in my younger days that acted a lot like this.

 

I wanted a more equitable relationship and didn't want to be responsible for all of the heavy lifting so decided to not pursue them or call them any more. If figured when they wanted to have an equitable give-and-take relationship with me they were perfectly capable of picking up the phone and giving me a call.

 

In the mean time I went on about my business and dated other girls.

 

... It's been over 20 years and I still haven't heard from them yet.

 

My recommendation is to go on with your life and date other women and if she contacts you some day, you can play that by ear and decide what to do at that time.

[SSM3]

I went out with several women in my younger days that acted a lot like this.

 

I wanted a more equitable relationship and didn't want to be responsible for all of the heavy lifting so decided to not pursue them or call them any more. If figured when they wanted to have an equitable give-and-take relationship with me they were perfectly capable of picking up the phone and giving me a call.

 

In the mean time I went on about my business and dated other girls.

 

... It's been over 20 years and I still haven't heard from them yet.

 

My recommendation is to go on with your life and date other women and if she contacts you some day, you can play that by ear and decide what to do at that time.

 

Thank you for your input. I will be ending things later, saying thanks, wishing her well and moving on. I am not stopping around.

 

I need to end things on a good note because there could be a change down the line (I can not say on here) which would could involve us working together, and me possibly being her boss

Edited July 29, 2015 by SSM3

[Diezel]

Her interest level in you is mild. You are just the "thing" that is there whenever she feels like being with someone. If she isn't "HELL YEAH" about you, then move on.

[oldshirt]

Thank you for your input. I will be ending things later, saying thanks, wishing her well and moving on. I am not stopping around.

 

I need to end things on a good note because there could be a change down the line (I can not say on here) which would could involve us working together, and me possibly being her boss

 

Ok I see your point and you have to follow your own conscience, but I don't see where you necessarily dump her and terminate the dating arrangement entirely.

 

Just don't invest anything you aren't willing to lose. If she is good for a Sat night date and she wants to go out now and then, there ain't nuth'n wrong with that.

 

And yes, even an occasional booty call is no foul since it appears she isn't any more invested than you. In fact all indications point to her being less invested than you so if she is agreeing to periodic dates and/or hook ups there's really no reason to pull the plug completely.

 

When the day comes that you either find someone else or she stops agreeing to go out with you, then you can cross that bridge at that time.

 

There's no reason this R can't just fade away like fog clearing in the morning sunshine rather than worrying about how to chop it with an ax.

 

At the rate she's going, she's just going to fade away on her own anyway. No reason you should be the bad guy by being the axman.

[elaine567]

Being her boss at work will be an issue and why you need to clarify this relationship ASAP, with no room for any misunderstandings.

 

Using her as a FB or booty call, is not going to go down well if that is NOT what she wants or expects from you, and she could land you in hot water for sexual harassment at work, if she gets upset and angry at being merely used for sex, by someone who is her direct senior.

 

Be careful.

[Robert Z]

They can get themselves into trouble with cheating too.

He gives her attention, she doesn't want to disappoint or annoy him, so she ends up sleeping with him, whether she wants to or not, as it is so difficult for her to say no.

 

So they are prostitutes to their own emotions.