Am i being controlling?

[Bobobobi]

Me and my girlfriend are 22, and are both attending med-school. We both love each other, and have promised never to leave one another. Lately however, we have been having some serious issues.

 

I am a very openminded guy, not very religious at all. I do however, not drink, and dont want my girlfriend to drink either. We have talked about this topic several times, and i told her that i get really uncomfotable whenever she drinks, be it with or without me. I get anxious, and cant get the picture of her drinking out of my head(i just find it very very unattractive)

 

She already had an idea of me not liking alchohol, and told me that if i wanted to, she would quit without hesitation, because drinking was not a big deal for her. So i told her how i felt, and she agreed on not drinking and both were happy about it.

 

So far so good right? 4-5 months later however, hell broke loose..

 

She suddenly started to accuse me for controlling her, mostly about the drinking. She said that she would not date me from the beginning if she knew i was like this, and qontinued saying that she is dissapointed because im not the person she thought i was. Basically putting our relationship on the line. Hearing all of this from her really hurt. She said that i have changed, but in my eyes she is the one who changed right? From being a non-drinker to suddenly craving alchohol again.

 

I am however very understanding, and told her we could find a solution that works for both. We both agreed upon 1 drink max per night-out. I would respect her drinking, if she repected my limits.

 

Then again... a few days after our new 1-drink-deal, she told me she and her freinds went out, and she had 3-4 drinks that night. She did this despite our fresh agreement.

 

So first of all she breaks the promise she made of not drinking. Then a few days later she breaks another promise about not having more than 1 drink, without any regrets.

 

Am i right to be upset? I know that people change, and that its up to her what she drinks. However she should have been honest about it from the beginning, instead of acting like the victim and making me look like the bad guy? Or am i the bad guy? I am really really confused and a little insight would be nice.

[anna121]

Me and my girlfriend are 22, and are both attending med-school. We both love each other, and have promised never to leave one another. Lately however, we have been having some serious issues.

 

I am a very openminded guy, not very religious at all. I do however, not drink, and dont want my girlfriend to drink either. We have talked about this topic several times, and i told her that i get really uncomfotable whenever she drinks, be it with or without me. I get anxious, and cant get the picture of her drinking out of my head(i just find it very very unattractive)

 

She already had an idea of me not liking alchohol, and told me that if i wanted to, she would quit without hesitation, because drinking was not a big deal for her. So i told her how i felt, and she agreed on not drinking and both were happy about it.

 

So far so good right? 4-5 months later however, hell broke loose..

 

She suddenly started to accuse me for controlling her, mostly about the drinking. She said that she would not date me from the beginning if she knew i was like this, and qontinued saying that she is dissapointed because im not the person she thought i was. Basically putting our relationship on the line. Hearing all of this from her really hurt. She said that i have changed, but in my eyes she is the one who changed right? From being a non-drinker to suddenly craving alchohol again.

 

I am however very understanding, and told her we could find a solution that works for both. We both agreed upon 1 drink max per night-out. I would respect her drinking, if she repected my limits.

 

Then again... a few days after our new 1-drink-deal, she told me she and her freinds went out, and she had 3-4 drinks that night. She did this despite our fresh agreement.

 

So first of all she breaks the promise she made of not drinking. Then a few days later she breaks another promise about not having more than 1 drink, without any regrets.

 

Am i right to be upset? I know that people change, and that its up to her what she drinks. However she should have been honest about it from the beginning, instead of acting like the victim and making me look like the bad guy? Or am i the bad guy? I am really really confused and a little insight would be nice.

 

You can't change your feelings but you also can't insist that someone else conform to your way of thinking. In our society moderate drinking is socially acceptable and many people would be unwilling to give it up simply because their partner dislikes it.

 

You said you find it "unattractive" which is an interesting choice of words. Why is it unattractive?

 

Your GF is clearly highly resentful. As the person with the more stringent requirement it is up to you to decide if this is a deal breaker if she decides to drink more than you approve of.

 

Keep in mind that my comments relate to moderate levels of drinking only.

 

So no IMO it is not "reasonable" to ask an adult to abstain from drinking. But the more impt thing is to recognize essential incompatibility, and not try and paper it over.

[Friskyone4u]

It is NOT reasonable to demand that your girlfriend just completely not touch alcohol just because you do not drink unless you are making this demand for religious reasons and she knew that before you got involved.

What is not unreasonable is for you to tell her you hold her accountable for her actions when she goes drinking with her friends and that you are NOT going to accept any inappropriate interactions with other men or whereabouts that will use alcohol consumption as an excuse. In other words , if you are in an exclusive relationship she better not tell you she is sorry because she was drunk

If she is smart enough to be in med school she should understand that easily

[GemmaUK]

I don't think we have the full story here.

There were other things aside from the drinking.

Controlling behaviour is slow, gradual and little things here and there.

 

 

I only know because I've experienced that behaviour from a man.

 

And yes, you are being controlling over the drinking.

I suspect you have been controlling over many more things though too in all this time.

[wizer]

Yes it's very controlling of you to make rules that your girlfriend must follow in regard to her drinking.

 

Unless of course she's got a drinking problem, which you do not say anything about.

 

She's an adult, capable of making her own decisions.

 

It's not your call and I totally get where she's coming from.

 

Am i right to be upset? I know that people change, and that its up to her what she drinks. However she should have been honest about it from the beginning, instead of acting like the victim and making me look like the bad guy? Or am i the bad guy? I am really really confused and a little insight would be nice.

 

So the answers to your questions above are as follows:

 

Do you have a right to be upset? Sure you can be upset, there's no law that says you can't be. I think you're being unreasonable and for you to be upset about her drinking indicates that you are a really uptight, controlling sort of guy with boundary issues- you don't know when to let things go that are not your call. She "should" have been honest? Why there's no law about having to be honest. The bigger problem is that she feels she cannot be honest with you- and you need to figure out why- because if she feels she can't be open and honest with you then the relationship is in big trouble. She's probably concerned that you will be critical or disapproving or outright mad- so she avoids the confrontation. And that's on YOU, not her. Yes, you are the "bad guy" by trying to put limits on another adult.

 

It's of concern that you seem to be totally unaware of any of this.

Edited July 11, 2015 by wizer

[spiderowl]

You made an agreement with her and she broke it (I'm assuming here that you both agreed that even if you were not present, she would not have more than one drink?). If someone breaks an agreement then, fair enough, you should break up with her. Yes, you have a right to be upset if someone breaks an agreement you both made.

 

But, I very much doubt many women would be happy about making such an agreement in the first place. I certainly would not. I drink socially, say one drink on an evening out. I probably go out once a week if that, so hardly a big drinker. There is no way I'd want a guy to tell me how much I could drink. Also, I would not understand his point of view. What's the big problem with having one or two drinks? I can understand it if it's against your religion but if not, then it's something that bothers you and I guess you need to find a woman who does not find that restrictive.

 

I do not know you, OP, but if there is no really good reason why you object to your girlfriend having a drink, then I suspect you must be quite controlling. People aren't usually only controlling in one area. Are you also laying down the law in other areas? If your girlfriend is complaining you are controlling, maybe you should ask her in what way - and listen! If things don't work out with her, then either you need to find a very compliant girlfriend or address your need to control your girlfriend's behaviour to the minutest detail when it comes to alcohol.

[spiderowl]

Further to the above, I just read your other post OP and I had almost guessed you would be the same guy that posted about his girlfriend and complained that the shorts she was wearing were too revealing. You are controlling, full stop. I think you might be better off seeking counselling for why you feel the need to control what your girlfriend wears and does. She might well be moving away from you and you could be sensing this, but seriously any girl is going to end up moving away if you are this controlling. You can't tell an adult what to wear and do without them becoming resentful and rebellious. It just doesn't help you.

Edited July 12, 2015 by spiderowl

[La.Primavera]

I also read your previous post and I am going to quote the letter you wrote to her because I think it is relevant to your question about whether you are being controlling and I think it will provide other posters with more insight into your situation.

 

"Dear Maria, let me put it this way.

Whenever i describe you to myself or others, i always use the word "modesty". An modesty can be everything from your personality, values, relationships and even the way you dress. I also believe that you are a lady who values self-respect, a adult women with respect for herself and her body. These qualities: modesty and self-respect, are what seperates you from other women in my eyes. I really appreciate these qualities, and its the reason i dont want you to wear such short shorts Maria. I am fully aware thats its your choice what you wear and dont wear, but please try to see things from my perspective: I dont want to change who you are, your personality, your values or your relations. Rather, i whould never tell you to change who you are for me, because i love you for excatly who you are. The only thing im asking of you, is that you try not to wear clothes that are so revealing. In my honest opinion, those short shorts of yours are out of my comfort zone. Maria we have been together for almost a year now, and i know you well enough to tell you that clothes like that dont reflect your beautiful modest personality. Whenever i think of you, i think of modesty and humbleness, not short shorts. I think your other clothes, such as your knee-length shorts are very good looking, they dont show too much, yet they are comfy to wear in warm weather. Short shorts might be fashionable, but you wearing them makes me feel a little uncomfortable. It might seem like im making a big deal out of a small bagatelle, but for me this is actually a really important topic. Im not aking you to make big changes, im just asking for a little adjustment in your clothing. And im not forcing you into anything, i will love you whatever your choice might be. I whould however, really appreciate it if you understand me and are willing to compromise, it would mean alot to me Maria.

 

Love, your lover."

 

This letter is really disturbing to me. It is extremely manipulative, even though it claims to be the opposite. Like the drinking issue, it suggests you want her to conform to your ideals of what you want her to be. You don't get to make those decisions for her.

 

I think it is great that you are reaching out for advice because I think you could really benefit from other people's insight. In answer to your question, yes I think you are being very controlling and I think it comes from your own insecurity. If you can work on that it will really help the issues in your relationship.

 

Am i right to be upset?

 

It was unreasonable to expect her to keep this promise. Whether she has one drink or three, it wouldn't be an issue if you weren't feeling insecure about yourself and the relationship. That is the real issue here.

 

Your insecurity is going to destroy your relationship if you don't address it now. It will eat you up inside until you can't cope unless you have control of every aspect of her life, from what she thinks to wear she goes and who she spends time with. It will only get worse. You will drive her away and make her resent you and you will hurt yourself in the process.

 

You need to figure why you are feeling this way and what you can do to fix it. Trust me, it will be the best thing you ever do.

 

All the best.

[Clarence_Boddicker]

Yes you are & need to stop entirely if you wanna keep her. She's not pregnant or an alcoholic, so you have no legitimate reason to control what she does or can do. I'm assuming that you're not a recovering alcoholic either. Your insecurities should not impact others lives.

[MissBee]

Me and my girlfriend are 22, and are both attending med-school. We both love each other, and have promised never to leave one another. Lately however, we have been having some serious issues.

 

I am a very openminded guy, not very religious at all. I do however, not drink, and dont want my girlfriend to drink either. We have talked about this topic several times, and i told her that i get really uncomfotable whenever she drinks, be it with or without me. I get anxious, and cant get the picture of her drinking out of my head(i just find it very very unattractive)

 

She already had an idea of me not liking alchohol, and told me that if i wanted to, she would quit without hesitation, because drinking was not a big deal for her. So i told her how i felt, and she agreed on not drinking and both were happy about it.

 

So far so good right? 4-5 months later however, hell broke loose..

 

She suddenly started to accuse me for controlling her, mostly about the drinking. She said that she would not date me from the beginning if she knew i was like this, and qontinued saying that she is dissapointed because im not the person she thought i was. Basically putting our relationship on the line. Hearing all of this from her really hurt. She said that i have changed, but in my eyes she is the one who changed right? From being a non-drinker to suddenly craving alchohol again.

 

I am however very understanding, and told her we could find a solution that works for both. We both agreed upon 1 drink max per night-out. I would respect her drinking, if she repected my limits.

 

Then again... a few days after our new 1-drink-deal, she told me she and her freinds went out, and she had 3-4 drinks that night. She did this despite our fresh agreement.

 

So first of all she breaks the promise she made of not drinking. Then a few days later she breaks another promise about not having more than 1 drink, without any regrets.

 

Am i right to be upset? I know that people change, and that its up to her what she drinks. However she should have been honest about it from the beginning, instead of acting like the victim and making me look like the bad guy? Or am i the bad guy? I am really really confused and a little insight would be nice.

 

I'm gonna have to say yes, this is controlling.

 

I can't imagine my bf giving me drink limits and me needing to report how much I've drank to him or having to hide it. Unless your gf is an alcoholic, drunk driving, or otherwise drinking irresponsibly, I don't think you should try to set limits for her drinking. She isn't your child. It does make you seem controlling. She should be able to use her own discretion when it comes on to drinking, not yours.

 

Most women will not appreciate you giving them drink limits. If you dislike drinking you should date women who feel the same. But I don't think it will go over well to date women who enjoy a drink socially then say they should only drink one drink max per night out...even saying this sounds like something your dad would say, not your bf.

 

 

It seems like your gf is a normal woman who wants to drink socially, but drinking isn't a big deal for her. I would say I am the same. I drink socially. I like to have drinks when I go out. My limit is when I feel good but am still in control. No other person is some voice in my head saying "MissBee only one drink." I am not an alcoholic neither do I get out of control when I drink so in that sense it is not a big deal...but I do find it a normal part of a night out that I should be able to enjoy more than one drink without being told how much I should drink by another person and would be put off if a man I was dating felt he should have a say in that. It's like telling me how many fries I should eat, how much honey should go in my tea, I mean...I'm grown, I can decide for myself when enough is enough. You have not indicated once that she has a drinking problem, I could probably understand if she's had a history of alcohol abuse, but she doesn't. It seems she initially agreed in the beginning to soothe your anxieties then later realized it was a bit much and now is having regrets and is realizing maybe your anxiety and need for control about this issue isn't something she fully understood when she first agreed and now finds it unpleasant.

[autumnnight]

Bill Gathard, is that you?

 

Yes, this is controlling.

[CarrieT]

Very, very controlling.

 

I would break up with you.

[GemmaUK]

You're shorts guy, I should have guessed..

 

You've put this girl on a pedestal and believed she was perfect.

You don't like it because she is not living up to your pedestal perfect belief, what she is is just a normal person.

You are the one who isn't normal by having idolised her and now trying to control her.

 

I would urge any woman being treated like this by a guy to get away from the guy immediately as it will only get worse and these are early signs of a potentially abusive (emotionally, verbally, physically or all three) relationship with the controlling and manipulative behaviour you're displaying.

[TaraMaiden2]

You're shorts guy, I should have guessed..

 

You've put this girl on a pedestal and believed she was perfect.

You don't like it because she is not living up to your pedestal perfect belief, what she is is just a normal person.

You are the one who isn't normal by having idolised her and now trying to control her.

 

I would urge any woman being treated like this by a guy to get away from the guy immediately as it will only get worse and these are early signs of a potentially abusive (emotionally, verbally, physically or all three) relationship with the controlling and manipulative behaviour you're displaying.

 

And notice how this seems to only be his second post.

 

He never returned to discuss the "shorts" matter. He never came back to the thread, to discuss the issue, or acknowledge any of the posts and comments others made....

But here he is posting yet again, about his GF's behaviour and how he dislikes aspects of what she does, and how he wants to change what she does.

 

Open-minded? Doesn't want to change her...?

 

I dunno.

Something seems distinctly "off" here....

[GemmaUK]

And notice how this seems to only be his second post.

 

He never returned to discuss the "shorts" matter. He never came back to the thread, to discuss the issue, or acknowledge any of the posts and comments others made....

But here he is posting yet again, about his GF's behaviour and how he dislikes aspects of what she does, and how he wants to change what she does.

 

Open-minded? Doesn't want to change her...?

 

I dunno.

Something seems distinctly "off" here....

 

Yes, I noticed that too.

I don't think he came for advice, I think he came for validation.

Controllers don't like to be disagreed with.

[Qboro90]

To be perfectly up front and honest, you sound like you need to seek counseling/therapy ASAP. Your posts are extremely manipulative, saying "you love her and respect her for who she is and would never change her" then you label why you like/love her "modesty". These are your words and not how she may see herself. There is no evidence that she's an alchoholic, or turns into a bad person when drinking whatsoever. Saying that "you're allowed 1 drink per night" is like a prison guard saying "you're allowed 1 toothbrush but that's it".

 

If this girl is in med school she should be smart enough to see what a dangerous person you are and would separate herself from you. "I don't want you to wear short shorts because they're too proactive.... I don't want you to drink". This will eventually turn into "I don't want you talking to that friends of yours anymore". "I don't want you taking that job because it's not right for you/us". The list goes on.

 

I'm actually more bothered by this post than any I've ever read on her by how

Nonchalant you seem to be about this. My first impression when I read your OP and then saw your other post about her shorts was "this guy is bad news"

 

For goodness sake she's in Med school, she deserves a drink every now and then... You do too for that matter. The only time you can ask her to not do something is if you see it's negatively affecting her. Like if she drank and threw up, or drank and got in her car, or argued with you/her friends when she drinks. Having 4 drinks with friends is what 22 year olds are supposed to do. YOU are the one that needs to change here, not her

[TaraMaiden2]

It seems logical based on previous experience, that the OP will not return to comment on here either, and furthermore, one of two things will happen:

 

 

He will post another thread at some future point, regarding yet another aspect of her appearance/behaviour that he finds objectionable and unacceptable,

 

or

 

He will return to relate how she dumped him, because he was being too controlling and that she was unreasonable, unfair and unjustified in doing so....

 

OP, I would honestly, in your shoes, terminate this relationship and release the both of you to pursue the ideal relationship you both want.

Because it's not one with each other.

 

I hate to say it, but she will have fewer problems than you, moving on.

 

I think in time you will realise that your attitude will not be acceptable or tolerable to the vast majority of young ladies.

The problem is with you and your views, opinions and attitude.

 

That said, you may well end up with a young lady who submits to your control completely, and always defers to your requests and decisions.

 

But you will lose love, respect and consideration for her. Because you will come to see her as a meek, mouse-like, timid, co-operative, obedient and characterless person.

 

Which in essence, is what you are actually seeking.

[Qboro90]

It seems logical based on previous experience, that the OP will not return to comment on here either, and furthermore, one of two things will happen:

 

 

He will post another thread at some future point, regarding yet another aspect of her appearance/behaviour that he finds objectionable and unacceptable,

 

or

 

He will return to relate how she dumped him, because he was being too controlling and that she was unreasonable, unfair and unjustified in doing so....

 

OP, I would honestly, in your shoes, terminate this relationship and release the both of you to pursue the ideal relationship you both want.

Because it's not one with each other.

 

I hate to say it, but she will have fewer problems than you, moving on.

 

I think in time you will realise that your attitude will not be acceptable or tolerable to the vast majority of young ladies.

The problem is with you and your views, opinions and attitude.

 

That said, you may well end up with a young lady who submits to your control completely, and always defers to your requests and decisions.

 

But you will lose love, respect and consideration for her. Because you will come to see her as a meek, mouse-like, timid, co-operative, obedient and characterless person.

 

Which in essence, is what you are actually seeking.

 

Wow! Incredibly well said. I'm not familiar with this accounts history of the account owner but I hope he's at least reading the replies and taking note. The submissive characteristic seems like it will only grow more important as he gets older.

[veggirl]

Combined with your shorts thread, I think you have a big problem, honestly. I'm a little fearful for your gf as to where all this could lead tbh. I am not saying this to be harsh or rude, but I think you need counseling. Qboro is right, you are headed down a very slippery slope here, OP. You are very manipulative. It's up to her if it drinks, you say in your OP. But really? Is it? When you are telling her she can't or how much she can?

Edited July 12, 2015 by veggirl

[acrosstheuniverse]

Yes, you're being controlling.

 

If you HATE drinking, don't drink. If seeing other people drink upsets you, don't hang out with your gf while she's drinking. But unless you actually avoid ANYONE drinking you're being a hypocrite.

 

You have no right to ask her not to drink when she isn't around you. That's her choice. I had a similar issue with an ex of mine where he hated smoking. I wasn't a full-time smoker, but I liked the occasional smoke while out with friends, maybe one or two every few weeks. I would never do it near him but he made me feel like if I ever smoked, I had to tell him immediately or I was betraying him. So, of course, I just didn't smoke, because I didn't want to upset him. This went on for two years until I stood up to him and said I'm gonna smoke when I'm not around you if I want to and unless you ask me (I wouldn't lie) I'm not gonna come to you to disclose it. This is my life to lead and if me smoking once every now and then when it doesn't affect you bothers you that much, leave me over it. He had no choice but to back down, but it was part of a wider pattern of control... first it was the smoking, then not wanting me to wear skirts in public, then he didn't want me to go swimming in case people saw me in a swimsuit, then he was guilt tripping me for seeing a male doctor not a female despite needing emergency care and being in enormous pain. Eventually I just got so suffocated I left.

 

You're being a jerk, and she actually won't stand for this behaviour for long. She will leave you to be with someone who doesn't crush and try to control her. I feel for her so badly, I used to have to go out to clubs with my friends wearing skinny jeans while they all wore pretty dresses because if I wore a skirt I knew my bf would make me feel like crap for it for days, telling me I was being inappropriate, that I was the type of girl to let men see up my skirt, that he wanted a gf who was 'modest' (we weren't even remotely religious). Can you imagine how she feels out with her friends only 'allowed' one drink instead of drinking whatever she likes and enjoying herself?

 

Get some therapy and work on your problems or you'll rightly lose her. Very, very few women will put up with this stuff long term.

[sandylee1]

I wouldn't allow my husband to tell me how much I can drink , never mind a BF. If you don't like the fact that she drinks just find someone else. If she were a big drinker and looses control when she's drunk, that's one thing, but you're treating her like she's your child.

 

I'm not a fan of heavy drinkers and when people get drunk and act stupid it annoys me. If my H were a heavy drinker I wouldn't have married him.

 

You want to control her drinking, her clothes....what next? The make up she wears or the food she eats?

 

For your own good you need to take a step back and think about what you're doing here. This controlling behaviour can get worse till eventually you drive GFs away from you.

 

If my 22 year old daughter told me these things about her BF, I'd tell her to leave him, because it's only going to get worse. I suspect your GFS friends told her this on their night out and she's seeing the light. Initially girls think this control means a guy really loves them.........but it isn't love.......it's control.

[spiderowl]

OP, I think it would help you to work out where this need to control her behaviour is coming from. Do you have a religious background that is influencing things here? If you have been taught from childhood that these things are wrong, then it's not surprising you are struggling with a girlfriend who perhaps does not share the same background.

 

Religions have sought to control women for centuries. They instill a feeling that women are wrong for just behaving as a normal person. There are uncomfortable feeling that come with sexual awareness, those of jealousy, discomfort if people appear to break the 'rules' we were brought up with. You have acknowledged your discomfort, but now it would serve you better to learn about where this is coming from and re-examine your hidden assumptions, rather than blame your girlfriend for the discomfort.

[sandylee1]

Am I the only one who's noticed that the OP was 20 years old on the 28th of June in his first post (of 2) and is now 22 years old just 2 weeks later?