Nervous about that to do

[Hillary H]

Husbands phone is now connected to our family plan since he left his job and no longer has company phone. I get call detail on all our texts, voice, and data.

 

I was looking at the detail this week because, well I do not know why exactly...just felt something in my gut. When I got back into town.

 

Twice there was a text message exchange during weekends that I went out of town between my husband and some number which I did a search on and it came up as a helping hands personal services massage service.

 

What would you do?

 

We've been together 14 years.

 

Thanks,

I am brand new here.

[preraph]

I'm sorry to hear your husband is seeing prostitutes. Well, first of all, you will have to address it and you should demand you both go get tested (at those testing centers - not too expensive) for AIDS and all other stds. Hopefully, they used a condom, but you can get some things even from oral sex, which is usually what guys ask for with prostitutes.

 

So it's really not an option to just let it go. Whether you want to break up with him after 14 years for it is something only you can decide. You can ask him why, but all guys just like variety sex, so that is usually the honest answer you will never hear from them. He will likely just try to make it your fault he went elsewhere for sex, but don't let him do that. He's the cheater, not you. He took a vow. You kept yours. He didn't.

 

Obviously, send the kids to grandma's for a day or two while you have this talk with him because you don't want them to hear any part of this. If I thought any of your kids already knew he was cheating, I'd say you must leave him just to set that example that that's not how you let people treat you. But as long as they know nothing, it's between you and him.

 

Keep that phone just the way it is and tell him it's got to stop because you shouldn't have to live in fear of disease and with the way he has disrespected and lied to you. If you stay, his phone should be an open book to you and he should promise to stop and sound sincere. You might need counseling to get through this as a couple. So he should agree to that as well. So sorry he did this to you. You think someone cherishes you and they risk it all to stick it in some skank and pay them for the privilege. I'll never understand how anyone can do that to someone they supposedly love.

 

Good luck.

[Hillary H]

Has this happened to you before? Anyone? I don't really understand why a man would do it. But given I am just now able to peak into his texts and see it twice in the pas couple of months chances are that it has happened before then also? I feel I am so naive. I should confront him, but what if I've got it all wrong?

 

I feel like he's been fooling me for a while and that makes me untrusting of him....at a time when I felt we have been so close. This is so tough I don't know what to do. Do wives typically hear out their husbands, forgive, say don't do iti again and move on? Or is it a deal breaker? I feel paralyzed and don't know what to do

[CarrieT]

Google "gaslighting" because if you confront, it may be likely that he will make YOU look like you are imagining things.

 

It is a common practice. You could also research Voice Activated Recorders and continue to do more snooping to see if he does this often.

 

A lot depends on if you want to continue in a marriage with someone that does this sort of thing. If not, continue to investigate and gather evidence in preparation for a divorce.

[preraph]

I think nearly everyone has been cheated on at one time or another by someone who they thought loved them . I mean, logic tells you that if someone loves you, they wouldn't want to do anything to hurt you. Logic tells you if he didn't want to be faithful, why get married. But the reality is a whole lot of men cheat if they can get away with it because, I guess, sex is so much more their focus than love it. They cheat because they want variety usually and they also want sex without having to earn someone's love, which I think is fine for single people.

 

I mean, look at the highly publicized Tiger Woods cheating scandal. If any good came out of it, it's that it is proof that how perfect their wives are has zero to do with why men cheat. It's about their own ego. It's about them being little boys and having to have what they want under their own terms, which is without responsibility, it's about needing ego validation, and it's about being unable to set boundaries for themselves.

 

Men who see prostitutes, these women not only have sex with them, but they are trained to pump up their egos and tell them things like You deserve better, You're so sexy and there's something wrong with your wife if she doesn't have sex every time you want it. They ask for nothing in return but cold cash. The main thing they provide is ego stroking. Some guys need constant validation that they are great and are sexy. It's a weakness in themselves that often has nothing to do with you personally. These men would cheat if they already had the most beautiful, sweetest woman in the world.

 

But the disconnect between the sexes comes because men don't understand why women take it personally. Women take it personally because if they really love someone, the last thing THEY would ever want to do is hurt them. Cheating spouses (male or female) don't know what love that deep is or they'd understand that.

[Hillary H]

Thank you, I really appreciate the thoughtful and sound response. I'd love to hear from others...Any men out there have any thoughts? Other wives this has happened to? I'm not sure I want to have sex with him ever again. I'm still kind if in shock. I am not acting normal with him but don't want to approach him about it until I have my thoughts collected, and not sure what I want or expect. Please help with any thoughts you may have. I'm sad and confused. Thank you.

[preraph]

Enigma, If it was "just a massage," he wouldn't be hiding it from her. He'd be taking her with him. And they wouldn't be texting him. Plus it's called "personal services" massage.

 

 

Hillary, by all means take as much time as you need to sort through all this. What a mess. So sorry. Hold your head high and don't let him deflect blame.