spiderowl Posted June 29, 2015 Share Posted June 29, 2015 I think I need a bit of perspective here from people wiser than me I'm on an online dating site and got exchanging messages with a guy. I find I rarely go beyond 2 or 3 messages before I don't want to continue. It has been different with this guy. Not only is he attractive to me but he seems really sweet. He's been decent, polite, warm and loving. We texted at first then he phoned me. We got on well on the phone and by text. He hasn't phoned since though, just texted. We've only been in touch about 3 or 4 days. Well, I really love to read his texts and he seems so nice and genuine. He tells me about himself too and we've shared a fun evening keeping in touch. So, you might think, what's wrong? Well, he's some distance away, a few hours drive, which is always a concern. He seems to feel it's OK and he doesn't mind where he finds the right woman for him. That may be the case but in practice many of us know a long-distance relationship has its problems. Second issue, I am really starting to like him. He hasn't asked to speak to me again, so maybe he's cooling off or not that bothered? He texts mostly in the evening but occasionally during the day. He is working as am I so seems normal to me. He didn't text so much today and neither did I. Quite frankly, I am getting stressed. It's because I really like the sound of this guy and I don't know if he feels the same way. I feel I've reached a point where I need a better idea of what he's thinking. Meanwhile he asks me how I'm feeling - not about him specifically but just in general I guess. He asked for a photo. I hate it when guys ask for a photo. Why is it not sufficient for them to look on the dating site and see it? I feel uncomfortable about getting into a photo exchange situation. I suddenly feel like I'm being scrutinised from a distance. Is he keen or not? Why hasn't he asked to speak again or just called? Is he genuinely interested or just having a bit of fun chatting to someone online? I guess these are often the questions guys ask of me and then I usually get paranoid about them trying to confine me, but I can understand where it's coming from. I'm actually feeling panicked. I let him know I wasn't comfortable with the photo thing and have heard nothing back. It's only minutes, but well ... Honestly, I wish I'd never started chatting to him and liking him. Now I'm going to be stressed out about what we are doing here and what it means to him. I don't have huge amounts of confidence so I never understand why guys want photos and some want them for dubious reasons anyway. I don't know what to do now, except give up on him and drown my sorrows. I can't cope with this uncertainty. You might think why not ask and see? But I don't feel the woman should have to do that. If a guy is interested, surely he would make it clear? I don't know, I def need some perspective. I feel like giving up on him because I can't face being hurt, stupid though that might sound. Link to post Share on other sites
RedRobin Posted June 29, 2015 Share Posted June 29, 2015 What kind of photo did he ask for? Maybe your online photos are blurry or aren't descriptive enough? If he lives far away, I imagine that he just wants to make sure that the profile is representative of the person before he agrees to meet. If he asked for something racy, then nah, no way. Move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author spiderowl Posted June 29, 2015 Author Share Posted June 29, 2015 He didn't ask for anything specific, just a photo. My photo is very clear and he seems to have liked it. Link to post Share on other sites
StalwartMind Posted June 29, 2015 Share Posted June 29, 2015 Sometimes we can get ahead of ourselves, which can cause problems, I do feel it's important to tell you that, just because you think it may sound stupid to others, doesn't mean what you feel isn't real. It's posts like these, that resonates the most with me, my words may not offer much help, but I do know the importance of being able to reflect on things from different perspectives. It has the very least helped me understand others better, and being able to do that is no easy task as it requires effort, which can be hindered if one perhaps doesn't have high confidence or enough composure. Many men will ask for photos because most of us are visual beasts. That doesn't have to mean that we are all obsessed with this, or that the photos one may request, need to be of the sexy nature. Sometimes people will request a photo because they want to know if the person they speak to matches the profile image. I doubt you are of the deceptive kind, at least from all I've read and remember, but even so there theoretically is no guarantee that the person you are speaking to, is really that person. Everyone have different comfort levels, some find it very intrusive and too direct when they receive such a request as you did. I can't fault anyone for feeling that, but at the same time, I also know that not everyone have the same patience as myself. This guy might genuinely just want to see "another" photo of you, because he is smitten by you. It can be a valid cause for concern too, when you went from texting to phone call and back to texting. However this doesn't have to mean something is wrong or bad, some people feel greatly uncomfortable with any type of voice calls, this is the reality, even if it may not be the case here. I'm just trying to provide you with my own experiences as well as what I know, and the truth is we are all so incredibly different. It can be challenging to move forward, when we live in a society that obsesses with what is wrong, as it can make us overlook all the things that are "right". Especially when it comes to communication with other people. I do feel it's logical to have skepticism towards anyone and anything, but never to the degree where it prevents you from attempting to live and enjoy life. I would personally agree with you, that you shouldn't be required to provide another photo, but I am more than aware of that my view on life and situations is not in alignment with how many other feel. I place a great importance on honesty, as I believe it leads to better overall results. I don't think it was the wrong move to tell him you felt uncomfortable with the photo exchange, but he may of perceived it negatively. People can be finicky with how they choose to judge and assume things of others. If he is a decent man and also is understanding, then this shouldn't be an issue. At least I would be concerned, if someone didn't take well to me expressing myself in a civilized manner about any topic. Hopefully he'll not undervalue your previous exchanges that seem to of been delightful, but you never know. Often people will place too big an emphasis on something negative and let that one experience override 50 good ones. While you may not wish to contact him, I don't think it would be illogical to do so. Depending on what the last words you exchanged were, perhaps you can reassure him that, it isn't because you don't want to share things with him, but that it just makes you feel uncomfortable until you get to know each other better. I'm sure you can come up with something that sounds much better, it never hurts to read something written with elegance. In regards to distance between you, yes this is always a concern, but at the same time, if you really hit it off well, and there seems to be a consistent good pattern, then things should naturally progress to the next logical stage. I'm much in favor of things having a natural flow, but even those do offer obstacles you need to overcome. Maybe this is one of them, and perhaps just taking a little time to think about it all, will have granted you more clarity. Link to post Share on other sites
Author spiderowl Posted June 29, 2015 Author Share Posted June 29, 2015 (edited) Thanks Stalwart mind, that's just what I needed to hear. I can tell I'm getting in an anxious mess and that my reactions are coloured by that. I mean what's the point in sharing photos if you are only going to text each other for a while? Just before you replied, I did pretty much what you suggested as I realised my reaction over the photo might have seemed like a rejection or questioning his motives. He replied very nicely. I still feel anxious though. I haven't had a connection with someone like this for a long time. It would almost be less painful for it to end quickly than for me to think something might come of it, get more involved, and then be disappointed. I guess I now understand why guys have started to pressure me to let them know if I'm really interested or just chatting.When you realise you are investing more than just time, but feelings as well, then not knowing gets very scary. Thanks for your considered thoughts which are much appreciated Edited June 29, 2015 by spiderowl Link to post Share on other sites
RedRobin Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 (edited) He didn't ask for anything specific, just a photo. My photo is very clear and he seems to have liked it. What is your concern then? Lots of people post old photos online... Or they only post a head shot. Maybe he just wants to make sure before investing himself more. A lot of people get burned that way online. I would try not to take this personally or be afraid. Sure, he could reject you after seeing more pics... But he could do the same after seeing you in person. If you don't like pics, then maybe Skype or FaceTime? Make a short video? I don't particularly consider myself photogenic, and men always comment that I look better in person. But I still post lots of pics doing things I enjoy because I think it is only fair, plus those are the kinds of profiles I am attracted to as well. Guys who post pics doing things they enjoy even if they aren't model quality. Edited: just saw your last post OP Edited June 30, 2015 by RedRobin 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Yummm Posted June 30, 2015 Share Posted June 30, 2015 Speaking from a guys point of view who is also on a dating site testing the waters with a girl, perhaps he isn't sure if you're that interested in him? Are you giving him the hot and cold treatment? It does always take 2. I'm recently going through a breakup and joined the site initially for $hits and giggles and a little ego boost. I've now been chatting to a girl for the last 4-5 days and although she rarely initiates conversation, she seems to be interested and we've been connecting pretty well. There could be numerous reasons, but you've only been talking for a few days, it shouldn't be playing on your mind this much. He could genuinely be busy, he could be waiting for you to initiate and seem more interested... who knows? Just take it as it goes is my opinion, it's nothing serious yet so you shouldn't be stressing yourself out girl! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author spiderowl Posted July 1, 2015 Author Share Posted July 1, 2015 Hi, thanks for all your comments. With regard to whether I'm giving him the hot and cold treatment, I don't think so. I'm trying not to do my usual thing and put him off. He seems to take things a lot more slowly than most and yet maintains steady contact. I'm not used to this. I suppose because he's not pushing me to meet up soon or talk about more intimate things, I'm wondering if he does like me or not, and yet this is the kind of guy I've been hoping to meet, a gentleman who has self control. He seems to like me, but maybe he's just enjoying chatting and isn't really bothered about more. I know there are so many hurdles ahead if we do get on and stay in contact - getting over any tricky issues, meeting up (that's the big one). It's all pretty stressful when it's supposed to be fun. Link to post Share on other sites
Clarence_Boddicker Posted July 1, 2015 Share Posted July 1, 2015 If he's really interested, he'll make the drive to see you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Keenly Posted July 1, 2015 Share Posted July 1, 2015 Here is a possible reason he asked for a photo. Sometimes people can use outdated photos (were talking pictures taken with a rock and a chisel, here) and by asking for a photo, one that you take on the spot, it proves that your OLD photos reflect what you really look like. Just a possibility on that part. Link to post Share on other sites
90s kid Posted July 2, 2015 Share Posted July 2, 2015 I don't see anything strange about asking for a photo of someone that you're talking to online. He probably wants confirmation that he's attracted to you. If you two wind up meeting up, he's going to know what you look like anyway so why are you so hesitant? Send him a simple photo, it doesn't have to be sexy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author spiderowl Posted July 2, 2015 Author Share Posted July 2, 2015 Here is a possible reason he asked for a photo. Sometimes people can use outdated photos (were talking pictures taken with a rock and a chisel, here) and by asking for a photo, one that you take on the spot, it proves that your OLD photos reflect what you really look like. Just a possibility on that part. I understand what you mean. He didn't ask for one taken on the spot. If anyone did, I'd dump them. I think it's invasive and it shows a suspicious nature. Link to post Share on other sites
Author spiderowl Posted July 2, 2015 Author Share Posted July 2, 2015 I don't see anything strange about asking for a photo of someone that you're talking to online. He probably wants confirmation that he's attracted to you. If you two wind up meeting up, he's going to know what you look like anyway so why are you so hesitant? Send him a simple photo, it doesn't have to be sexy. He can already see a photo on the dating site. I don't like sharing photos. It's all guys seem interested in, photos and sex talk. I can't be bothered with people who are that shallow. In this case, I think he just wanted a photo and would have been happy to have the dating site pic, but I dunno, I think online dating is not for me because the emphasis on pictures just puts me off and makes me feel like an object. Link to post Share on other sites
Author spiderowl Posted July 2, 2015 Author Share Posted July 2, 2015 Actually, I think I'm gonna have to retreat from this because although he seems to like me, he's clearly in no hurry and that makes me lose confidence. I'm not going to push him so we'd end up with stalemate if he didn't take the initiative to meet. I'm better off meeting someone local who has already seen me and knows he is interested. Online dating has its limitations when the other person is some miles away. Link to post Share on other sites
Leigh 87 Posted July 3, 2015 Share Posted July 3, 2015 You just need to focus on the men who are very attracted to you and where you're their " type " I've never had this issue. I only chat to men who fancy me as their type. When I send pics, which they never ask for btw, they are wow and full of praise. Because I am their type and that's why they are chatting to me. Asking you for more pics usually means that they aren't sold on you yet. It's what do anyways for men who I am not totally sure that I'm attracted to. The more attracted I am the less pics I need. I would just focus on men who make you feel like they are really interested. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RedRobin Posted July 3, 2015 Share Posted July 3, 2015 If something makes you feel off about this, then trust your instincts. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted July 3, 2015 Share Posted July 3, 2015 When they already have photos they can see on the site and ask for a photo, I think we both know what they're asking for. Don't do it. That's so gross, a guy asking you for a body shot. I'd tell him, "Only one way to find out, Cowboy." 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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