Suicidal 23 year old, never had a girl friend, can't get over past

[JamesTaiwan]

Hey guys, nice to meet you all here. My name is James and I'm a 23 year old male from Singapore and am currently studying abroad in Taiwan, will be going home soon though.

 

Anyway I really need some help regarding a certain issue I'm facing, in fact I usually never post on forums but I'm at my breaking point now, so why not.

 

So a little background about myself, I am 23 years old, recently graduated and up till now I haven't had a single girlfriend! To think that not only have I missed out on teenage love but also college love has made me extremely unhappy. I have been blessed enough to have had the opportunity to experience many beautiful moments in my life and travel to many beautiful places, these blessings however are extremely bittersweet and I can't help but feel it was all a complete waste, that these experience could have been so much better if I had someone to share them with.

 

Although a little bit shy, I consider myself to be fairly attractive in looks and personality. Have actually gone on a couple of dates but they never led to anything. Thanks to a couple of PUA techniques I also manged to get a few women quite interested in me (I think.) but sadly they lost interest after the facade faded away and they see how needy I actually am. The furthest I've gone with women is being friends and getting a handjob from a massage lady (lol fml).

 

My social life is quite limited because I don't really put myself out there however I'm gonna change this and meet more women by using tinder, joining meetups and going to dance classes when I go home to Singapore.

 

Some time ago, there was a friend I had deep feelings for and I made it pretty obvious to her, she initially showed signs of attraction to me as well but after awhile it became obvious that she just wasn't interested in me that way and once again I was friendzoned. And I get all these thoughts about her ex boyfriend, about how he cuddled with her, kissed her and was loved by her and it absolutely kills me inside to know that where one man succeeded, I have completely failed. To know that he had something I would do literally anything to get, something I can only dream about. Thinking about this and my past failures completely obliterates my spirit.

 

And now, I simply no longer have the will to go on anymore. No matter what I do, no matter where I am, this issue is constantly on my mind. Whether I'm at work, traveling, hanging out with friends or working out at the gym, I end up asking myself. What's the ****ing point?? Because deep down inside, I don't really want to be doing any of these things, all I want is to be with the girl I love. And if this cannot come true, I simply cannot bear to be alive anymore. The only thing that numbs my pain and gives me a semblance of happiness is smoking a **** load of cigarettes. I may be harming my health but honestly, at this point I really don't care if I live or die. I cannot kill myself because I don't want to hurt the people who love me but I'm at my wits end and cannot bear to live with this amount of pain in my heart for much longer. Although I'm not giving up and plan to take steps to amend my situation, till this issue is resolved, every single day and every single minute of the day literally hurts like ****.

 

In all honesty, I really want to kill myself and think of it daily but it is simply not something I can afford to do right now, not while my parents and friends have such high hopes for me. (I'll let myself live till the age of 25, if I don't get a girlfriend by then, I'm definitely going to do it.)

 

Please help me guys, what can I do to stop obsessing about this. I've tried everything from meditation, therapy, music, lifting, friendship, religion, studying, reading, immersing myself in work. But nothings worked, I am unable to enjoy any of these activities and I simply cannot stop thinking about having a girlfriend. Besides actually getting one or swallowing a bunch of pills to end my life, I really cannot think of any way to snap out of this.

[Robert Z]

When you say having a gf, do you mean sex? If so, go see a prostitute.

 

 

It may sound drastic but so is suicide.

[JamesTaiwan]

No I don't mean sex. In fact, if she wants, I'm alright with waiting till marriage. I'm talking about actually having my feelings and affections returned for once.

[elaine567]

I could be wrong but I think he means someone to share his life with not just sex.

[The Poster]

James, I didn't kiss my first girl OR have a girlfriend until I was just a few days shy of turning 23. The girl came into my life by happenstance. I didn't go searching for her, it all just happened.

 

I can understand being upset and frustrated about it, but you are still so young and seemingly on the rise in your life. I promise you the moment you stop obsessing and yearning for a girlfriend, someone special will appear in your life. That's usually how it goes. In the meantime, keep doing you and living your life. Go out and have fun, explore new things, and don't think about finding a girl. Just be you. It will happen when you least expect it.

 

Good luck to you. I look forward to an update from you in the future telling LS about the great new girl you're dating.

[d0nnivain]

Do not kill yourself That won't solve anything & it will devastate your family who loves you.

 

You clearly have something going on. You said you are attractive. You mastered the PUA technique but get clingy after that. You got some women to date you but you are focus on one girl who you didn't get to date.

 

First understand that you don't love her. You can't love somebody you haven't dated because you actually don't know her for real. You only know who you think she is and that is not necessary who she actual is.

 

Second, make a choice to be happy. Do things you enjoy. Follow up with your plans to put yourself out there more such as what you plan: tinder, meetups & dance classes.

 

Third, go back to therapy.

[Robert Z]

No I don't mean sex. In fact, if she wants, I'm alright with waiting till marriage. I'm talking about actually having my feelings and affections returned for once.

 

 

You sound awfully desperate for someone who is only 23. That's why I was thinking this is about sex. Give it time. I don't know what else to say... Start putting yourself out there. Be bold, be daring, be fearless. You have nothing to lose, right? Expect rejection and consider that just another step closer to meeting the right person. Seek out every opportunity you can to meet new women. Join clubs or groups. Practice your social skills every time you get a chance. Immerse yourself in women any way that you can and pursue every opportunity.

 

The is a lot to be said for reckless abandon.

 

Here is one that my sugar baby taught me: Don't be attached to the outcome.

 

When we want something, we become attached to the idea of how we want things to go. This puts a lot of psychological pressure on us to succeed in the way we want and leaves us feeling defeated if it doesn't work out. That in turn makes it more difficult to succeed the next time. So expect nothing. If you don't mind me deferring to a cheesy advertising slogan: Just do it.

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

James, I didn't kiss my first girl OR have a girlfriend until I was just a few days shy of turning 23. The girl came into my life by happenstance. I didn't go searching for her, it all just happened.

 

I can understand being upset and frustrated about it, but you are still so young and seemingly on the rise in your life. I promise you the moment you stop obsessing and yearning for a girlfriend, someone special will appear in your life. That's usually how it goes. In the meantime, keep doing you and living your life. Go out and have fun, explore new things, and don't think about finding a girl. Just be you. It will happen when you least expect it.

 

Good luck to you. I look forward to an update from you in the future telling LS about the great new girl you're dating.

 

What do you mean it just happened for you? Was she the one who actively pursued you? As for the OP, I'm 27 and still in the same boat as you, I will admit, the lack of a girlfriend for me all these years has made it difficult for me to focus on other areas in my life

[The Poster]

What do you mean it just happened for you? Was she the one who actively pursued you? As for the OP, I'm 27 and still in the same boat as you, I will admit, the lack of a girlfriend for me all these years has made it difficult for me to focus on other areas in my life

 

I mean, I went to a friend's house one night and she was there. She worked with him and I had never knew her before that night. We just started talking and then a couple weeks later I saw her again and we talked more and more and within a month we were dating. She did pursue me somewhat. But I certainly wasn't going to my friend's house that first night expecting to meet a girl. Like I said, it just happened.

 

It's something I feel is common with a lot of people. Hell, you could leave your house tomorrow morning and there could be a girl outside with a flat tire who needs help. You never know what could happen, but I know thinking about it all the time and hoping to meet your soul mate everytime you go somewhere just robs you of enjoying the moments of your life.

 

I have a friend who does this all the time. He can't be happy without a girl by his side, and can rarely have fun without one. This is a common thing for a lot of people to go through. We all want love and romance and those gooey, warm feelings. We all want someone to share our lives with. It's understandable to get frustrated, but you just have to live your life without thinking about it. Because it's usually at that moment someone comes along.

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

I mean, I went to a friend's house one night and she was there. She worked with him and I had never knew her before that night. We just started talking and then a couple weeks later I saw her again and we talked more and more and within a month we were dating. She did pursue me somewhat. But I certainly wasn't going to my friend's house that first night expecting to meet a girl. Like I said, it just happened.

 

It's something I feel is common with a lot of people. Hell, you could leave your house tomorrow morning and there could be a girl outside with a flat tire who needs help. You never know what could happen, but I know thinking about it all the time and hoping to meet your soul mate everytime you go somewhere just robs you of enjoying the moments of your life.

 

I have a friend who does this all the time. He can't be happy without a girl by his side, and can rarely have fun without one. This is a common thing for a lot of people to go through. We all want love and romance and those gooey, warm feelings. We all want someone to share our lives with. It's understandable to get frustrated, but you just have to live your life without thinking about it. Because it's usually at that moment someone comes along.

 

 

pursue you somewhat, as in who broke the ice first, who initiated conversation first? I assume it was you, since 95 percent of the time it is the guy

[JamesTaiwan]

I mean, I went to a friend's house one night and she was there. She worked with him and I had never knew her before that night. We just started talking and then a couple weeks later I saw her again and we talked more and more and within a month we were dating. She did pursue me somewhat. But I certainly wasn't going to my friend's house that first night expecting to meet a girl. Like I said, it just happened.

 

It's something I feel is common with a lot of people. Hell, you could leave your house tomorrow morning and there could be a girl outside with a flat tire who needs help. You never know what could happen, but I know thinking about it all the time and hoping to meet your soul mate everytime you go somewhere just robs you of enjoying the moments of your life.

 

I have a friend who does this all the time. He can't be happy without a girl by his side, and can rarely have fun without one. This is a common thing for a lot of people to go through. We all want love and romance and those gooey, warm feelings. We all want someone to share our lives with. It's understandable to get frustrated, but you just have to live your life without thinking about it. Because it's usually at that moment someone comes along.

 

The thing is though, its very hard to not think about it especially when you're constantly bombarded with reminders about your failure. You turn on the TV, and you see couples kissing, you walk down the street and you see another couple lovingly walking hand in hand, man even if you go to the gym, there are couples working out together.

 

Thank you for your post though, reading your story really gives me hope. I've always felt so weird and shameful about not knowing how it actually feels to have a girlfriend. Before you met her, were you happy? How did you manage to stop thinking about it.

[JamesTaiwan]

What do you mean it just happened for you? Was she the one who actively pursued you? As for the OP, I'm 27 and still in the same boat as you, I will admit, the lack of a girlfriend for me all these years has made it difficult for me to focus on other areas in my life

That's tough man, hats off to you. I don't know how you're able to do it but you're a hero in my eyes for surviving so long without one.

[The Poster]

The thing is though, its very hard to not think about it especially when you're constantly bombarded with reminders about your failure. You turn on the TV, and you see couples kissing, you walk down the street and you see another couple lovingly walking hand in hand, man even if you go to the gym, there are couples working out together.

 

Thank you for your post though, reading your story really gives me hope. I've always felt so weird and shameful about not knowing how it actually feels to have a girlfriend. Before you met her, were you happy? How did you manage to stop thinking about it.

 

I understand it's hard not to think about it. However, calling yourself a "failure" is being very, very hard on yourself. Not having a girlfriend does NOT make you a failure. Look at all you've already accomplished in your life. You're still so young too. Romance will come. A lot of people are late bloomers and there is nothing wrong with that. Keep improving yourself and keep putting yourself out there and something good will come.

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

That's tough man, hats off to you. I don't know how you're able to do it but you're a hero in my eyes for surviving so long without one.

 

there are some guys on this site who are over 30 and still single, never had a gf.

[preraph]

Not to alarm you, but nobody knows is dying releases pain anyway. What if you just carry your issues into the spirit world or into your next life? Nobody knows. I feel it's best to really understand that just in case you only have this one life or just in case you carry things to the next, you need to give yourself the gift of happiness and stop giving yourself permission to dwell on things you cannot change.

 

On the plus side, you are only 23. I had not had any serious relationship by that age myself, just hookups. Please realize that though you are rapidly becoming a man, you still have a couple of years before your brain is even fully formed! You are not a lost cause. You are a young person who can make his life into whatever he chooses.

 

Everyone I know has had unrequited love. Everyone I know was hurt by it. Everyone I know lived through it to love again. You must try to realize that sometimes "it is what it is." In the case of the young lady you cannot stop thinking of, you envision her as the perfect person for you who got away. But the reality of it is she has information you do not have because she knows you two are not perfect for each other. You just don't know her well enough to understand why. So she is not the right person for you. It is what it is. If she was, you'd be together.

 

I'm glad you are getting to travel some. Travel is very good to give you perspective on the big world of possibilities out there. You need to just focus on your immediate goals. Stop listening to game players on how to get women. Yes, it might get you a hookup, but you are not a hookup guy. You are a guy who wants to find the right girl. The ONLY way to do that is to be yourself and find the girl who loves you for yourself. But that does not mean that meanwhile, you shouldn't be looking to fortify yourself and rid yourself of fear and insecurities so that you will appeal to more people. Your life is only yours. You can control who you want to be. You don't have to resign yourself to staying the way you are. Don't tell yourself, I'm a needy shy guy and always will be. Tell yourself I'm going to make myself proud by working toward my goals and love myself so much that if need be, I can be alone without fear. And then you will be ready to date someone without fear of losing them because you know you will be alright either way.

 

Good luck.

[Clarence_Boddicker]

Get a job. Move out of your parents or relatives house. Find some social hobbies that are something you want to do & don't care what others think about it. Whatever it is, make sure it's social (not sitting at home playing video games) not something artificial to make yourself look more attractive. For example billiards is a fine hobby, but not for some image. It's a fun game, but requires practice & skill. Find something you can master & be confidently good at. Quit smoking, that's nasty. Get a dog. Learn to take care of someone that's not family related. Dogs are great companions & require a commitment. Take your dog on walks (not wok) often & learn how to play with it. Most dogs love to run & play catch. If you see a girl you like, catch her eye & smile. Don't keep looking, but do glance at her often to see if she's checking you out. Learn to live your own life, not your family's.

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

I also wonder what sets in motion for guys in their childhood, teen years, that causes them to be involuntary celibate throughout their 20's and beyond, that has a snowball effect

[Clarence_Boddicker]

I also wonder what sets in motion for guys in their childhood, teen years, that causes them to be involuntary celibate throughout their 20's and beyond, that has a snowball effect

 

I'd say culture in this case. I think parenting can have a huge affect. Bad or poor (clueless not cashless) parents can really cause issues with some kids.

[Elif]

I had my first boyfriend at 23. (Also lost my virginity at 23). First kiss was 20.

Nothing just ever really happened before, I didnt stay alone by choice. I am a girl. It is easy for others who havent experienced these feelings to say "oh youre just 23, dont be so desperate blah blah". It is incredibly painful, sometimes even physically (not because of sex but lack of affection ).

 

The bar scene is a bit more different in Asia than in Europe (Im European currently living in Asia), so Im not entirely sure what to recommend for you, but thats what helped me to meet people and loosen up, gain experience etc...

 

 

(I went to Taiwan this March, and its an amazing country, even though youre feeling incredibly down, take your time to enjoy it)

[JamesTaiwan]

Thanks for the replies and support everyone. I really needed some perspective.

 

After getting some much needed sleep and drinking some good alcohol. I woke up today feeling a sense of hope and detachment for once. In fact, It's the first time I slept without dreaming of said girl. She has left for her home country before I got a chance to at least confess my love to her. But there's no point in caring about that anymore, I'm going to try my best to stop thinking about her for good.

 

As for the culture I'm in, I don't think that's a legit excuse for myself as many of my peers are in happy relationships. My parents are also, despite coming from an Asian culture, very open minded and supportive of me. In fact they're one of the main reasons I chose to go on. So I got no good excuse or circumstance to blame, it's all purely my fault, which makes it that much harder to bear.

 

However I realize now that although part of me wishes for death that I could never commit suicide, not because I'd miss life but because it is simply too selfish a decision. I care too much about the people I love to leave them behind, alone in this cruel world.

 

In fact, having so many blessings in life makes me feel a very uncomfortable mix of gratitude and dread. On one hand, I feel like I have so much to offer the world and that I could really make something out of my life. On the other, it feels like I have been cruelly denied a very fundamental human need.

 

My only hope is that someday soon, after so many years, things will actually change. I realize now the main source of my pain is thinking of the past (Regret) AND the future (Anxiety). So I figured, the best course of action is to live strictly one day at a time. It's easier this way. And I'll definitely follow up on my plans to be more social and meet more women, even though I don't know what to expect nor feel too optimistic about it.

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

I'd say culture in this case. I think parenting can have a huge affect. Bad or poor (clueless not cashless) parents can really cause issues with some kids.

 

I guess its harder to raise sons than it is to raise daughters

[eve_k]

Hey guys, nice to meet you all here. My name is James and I'm a 23 year old male from Singapore and am currently studying abroad in Taiwan, will be going home soon though.

 

Anyway I really need some help regarding a certain issue I'm facing, in fact I usually never post on forums but I'm at my breaking point now, so why not.

 

So a little background about myself, I am 23 years old, recently graduated and up till now I haven't had a single girlfriend! To think that not only have I missed out on teenage love but also college love has made me extremely unhappy. I have been blessed enough to have had the opportunity to experience many beautiful moments in my life and travel to many beautiful places, these blessings however are extremely bittersweet and I can't help but feel it was all a complete waste, that these experience could have been so much better if I had someone to share them with.

 

Although a little bit shy, I consider myself to be fairly attractive in looks and personality. Have actually gone on a couple of dates but they never led to anything. Thanks to a couple of PUA techniques I also manged to get a few women quite interested in me (I think.) but sadly they lost interest after the facade faded away and they see how needy I actually am. The furthest I've gone with women is being friends and getting a handjob from a massage lady (lol fml).

 

My social life is quite limited because I don't really put myself out there however I'm gonna change this and meet more women by using tinder, joining meetups and going to dance classes when I go home to Singapore.

 

Some time ago, there was a friend I had deep feelings for and I made it pretty obvious to her, she initially showed signs of attraction to me as well but after awhile it became obvious that she just wasn't interested in me that way and once again I was friendzoned. And I get all these thoughts about her ex boyfriend, about how he cuddled with her, kissed her and was loved by her and it absolutely kills me inside to know that where one man succeeded, I have completely failed. To know that he had something I would do literally anything to get, something I can only dream about. Thinking about this and my past failures completely obliterates my spirit.

 

And now, I simply no longer have the will to go on anymore. No matter what I do, no matter where I am, this issue is constantly on my mind. Whether I'm at work, traveling, hanging out with friends or working out at the gym, I end up asking myself. What's the ****ing point?? Because deep down inside, I don't really want to be doing any of these things, all I want is to be with the girl I love. And if this cannot come true, I simply cannot bear to be alive anymore. The only thing that numbs my pain and gives me a semblance of happiness is smoking a **** load of cigarettes. I may be harming my health but honestly, at this point I really don't care if I live or die. I cannot kill myself because I don't want to hurt the people who love me but I'm at my wits end and cannot bear to live with this amount of pain in my heart for much longer. Although I'm not giving up and plan to take steps to amend my situation, till this issue is resolved, every single day and every single minute of the day literally hurts like ****.

 

In all honesty, I really want to kill myself and think of it daily but it is simply not something I can afford to do right now, not while my parents and friends have such high hopes for me. (I'll let myself live till the age of 25, if I don't get a girlfriend by then, I'm definitely going to do it.)

 

Please help me guys, what can I do to stop obsessing about this. I've tried everything from meditation, therapy, music, lifting, friendship, religion, studying, reading, immersing myself in work. But nothings worked, I am unable to enjoy any of these activities and I simply cannot stop thinking about having a girlfriend. Besides actually getting one or swallowing a bunch of pills to end my life, I really cannot think of any way to snap out of this.

 

Look, James, most, most rejection is not personal.

 

You are not someone's type.They still have feelings for someone they have more past with. They think you are out of their league.

 

(You'd be surprised how many woman say I prefer an ugly man, and are too insecure to date better looking, or younger guy...etc)

 

Don't kill yourself, but do re-examine what type of women you approach?

 

No offense but if you want to date models you will get shallow, insecure abused women. They got into it at 15 and never developed a personality, or self esteem.

 

If you want to date lawyers you will get unscrupulous money and power thirsty women...etc...

 

Now, can a model have confidence and self esteem and be a thinker, sure, but it's not likely...

 

So, my best advice is mix up the pool from which you are trying to get a gf.

 

If you are getting that much rejection, you have to be ignoring the women that try to chat you up and going for the same type of girl, you obviously do not click well with.

 

This does not have to be you, maybe they are flawed in a way that prevents them from appreciating you.

 

Chin up, you old beast , there is so many women what would love a guy like you, out there, find one.

 

You sound like you have so much to offer.

[Gloria25]

I guess its harder to raise sons than it is to raise daughters

 

It's harder to raise sons because as feminism has messed with the heads for women for a few decades now - we are seeing the result in the generation of men that are coming out now a days....You also have men/husbands who acquiesed to feminist wives/mothers cuz they don't wanna give up getting vagina - but in the long run they get emasculated and hurt the proper development of their sons.

 

Feminism doesn't teach women to respect the differences between male and female and women raise their "boys" like "girls". Then add the absence of a father in the households now a days and it's even worst.

 

Up to like a month ago, I had to remind my brother's wife that she has a "boy" rather than a "girl" because she just didn't understand why he was playing class clown in some classes in their private school. Years ago, I had to have a talk to her when she was talking about how one of her relatives medicated one of their sons cuz of "ADD" and she was considering doing that to my nephew - when all his is/was is just a "boy".

 

I had to remind her how boys brains work differently, they do not sit down calmly like girls do and pay attention in class. They also don't have ADD, they have "boy". Boys have testosterone. They do better when you do a combo of letting them run around (no 15 min recess and/or lunchtime isn't enough) and learning. Their brains also learn slower than females (although when they mature, they do better in things like maths, science - than females do).

 

Also, males respond better to males disciplining them than a female. When you have a woman who is trying to take on the role of the father, boys become resentful and/or hostile towards women. My fav podcaster has a favorite story where this guy called in about his fondest memory as a boy - where he was sassing his mum and his dad picked him up off the floor by the collar and said like 'don't you ever disrespect MY WOMAN' and from that day, he learned that he will respect his mum.

 

There's just something about the polarity between male/female that influences a child for proper development.

 

So, you have now a days a generation of men who were raised by women who crushed any masculine attributes that these boys needed to become men. So, instead of them having any cojones to have a grown-up convo with a gf about her short-shorts, he's so scared that he has to "write her a letter" as if he's a girl and/or is scared to be a man and man-up to his woman.

 

I could go on and on, but I just wanted to address your post.

Edited June 30, 2015 by Gloria25

[BronzeAgeJaeger217]

It's harder to raise sons because as feminism has messed with the heads for women for a few decades now - we are seeing the result in the generation of men that are coming out now a days....You also have men/husbands who acquiesed to feminist wives/mothers cuz they don't wanna give up getting vagina - but in the long run they get emasculated and hurt the proper development of their sons.

 

Feminism doesn't teach women to respect the differences between male and female and women raise their "boys" like "girls". Then add the absence of a father in the households now a days and it's even worst.

 

Up to like a month ago, I had to remind my brother's wife that she has a "boy" rather than a "girl" because she just didn't understand why he was playing class clown in some classes in their private school. Years ago, I had to have a talk to her when she was talking about how one of her relatives medicated one of their sons cuz of "ADD" and she was considering doing that to my nephew - when all his is/was is just a "boy".

 

I had to remind her how boys brains work differently, they do not sit down calmly like girls do and pay attention in class. They also don't have ADD, they have "boy". Boys have testosterone. They do better when you do a combo of letting them run around (no 15 min recess and/or lunchtime isn't enough) and learning. Their brains also learn slower than females (although when they mature, they do better in things like maths, science - than females do).

 

Also, males respond better to males disciplining them than a female. When you have a woman who is trying to take on the role of the father, boys become resentful and/or hostile towards women. My fav podcaster has a favorite story where this guy called in about his fondest memory as a boy - where he was sassing his mum and his dad picked him up off the floor by the collar and said like 'don't you ever disrespect MY WOMAN' and from that day, he learned that he will respect his mum.

 

There's just something about the polarity between male/female that influences a child for proper development.

 

So, you have now a days a generation of men who were raised by women who crushed any masculine attributes that these boys needed to become men. So, instead of them having any cojones to have a grown-up convo with a gf about her short-shorts, he's so scared that he has to "write her a letter" as if he's a girl and/or is scared to be a man and man-up to his woman.

 

I could go on and on, but I just wanted to address your post.

 

Well I wasn't raised by a single mom, my biological parents have always been married as long as I've been alive, i wonder if my Dad failed me somehow in my childhood and teen years, etc.

 

If he did, I wonder how he did specifically, I know I can't change the past I'm just curious because if I ever have kids someday, particularly a son, I want to make sure he grows up and has a better social life, dating life in his teens and 20's unlike me

[preraph]

Thanks for the replies and support everyone. I really needed some perspective.

 

After getting some much needed sleep and drinking some good alcohol. I woke up today feeling a sense of hope and detachment for once. In fact, It's the first time I slept without dreaming of said girl. She has left for her home country before I got a chance to at least confess my love to her. But there's no point in caring about that anymore, I'm going to try my best to stop thinking about her for good.

 

As for the culture I'm in, I don't think that's a legit excuse for myself as many of my peers are in happy relationships. My parents are also, despite coming from an Asian culture, very open minded and supportive of me. In fact they're one of the main reasons I chose to go on. So I got no good excuse or circumstance to blame, it's all purely my fault, which makes it that much harder to bear.

 

However I realize now that although part of me wishes for death that I could never commit suicide, not because I'd miss life but because it is simply too selfish a decision. I care too much about the people I love to leave them behind, alone in this cruel world.

 

In fact, having so many blessings in life makes me feel a very uncomfortable mix of gratitude and dread. On one hand, I feel like I have so much to offer the world and that I could really make something out of my life. On the other, it feels like I have been cruelly denied a very fundamental human need.

 

My only hope is that someday soon, after so many years, things will actually change. I realize now the main source of my pain is thinking of the past (Regret) AND the future (Anxiety). So I figured, the best course of action is to live strictly one day at a time. It's easier this way. And I'll definitely follow up on my plans to be more social and meet more women, even though I don't know what to expect nor feel too optimistic about it.

 

Things will change if you change them. Don't ever depend on life to give you what you need. You must go out and get what you need. So yes, one step at a time toward your goals. Good luck!