Lost and Hopeless

[phillymoose]

Most stressful time of my life! I am 34 yrs old and my now ex gf is about to turn 30. We live 30 minutes apart. Knew each other for 9 months, and were in a serious, committed relationship for 7 months (Vacations, family, friends, everything). I'm going to try and keep this as short as possible, but it will be long with all the details.

 

The last week of April, my gf asked me about a key to my condo, and I never giving it much thought said I wasn't ready. I've never lived with a woman before, and I assumed we would just move in together when the time is right (probably at 1 year). Immediately when she had asked, I knew it would not go well, and just like I thought, she felt rejected, insecure, and disbelief that the man who says he loves her more than anything (and I did) would strongly reject the idea at this time.

 

A couple days roll by to May 1st, I was grouchy about the whole key discussion. We had a concert event planned with her family, and I was very late and not being myself because I was very grouchy. However, I was not a horrible person by any means that night. Late that night my gf accused me of checking out another woman (I never do, nor has she ever accused me - this was because of the key I am sure). After she accused me, I said to her, 'this is the beginning of the end" because I knew what was going on because of the key situation. She ran off outside, I went looking for her and sat by her, we talked calmly, and she was drunk by this point. Something I said made her run off again, but this time after midnight, alone, drunk, and in a terrible area. I followed her of course to keep her safe. At that point she started treating me like I've never been treated before and as if she didn't know me as I followed her, she yelled "rape, stalker, etc." and yelled "F U" to me, even threatened to call 911, all while in front of other random people. In the end, I followed her to the place we were staying and made sure she got to her family, and I left without further incident.

 

We had a 3 hour phone call the following day and seemed to have worked it out. Btw, she never apologized for the way she treated me the night prior, I had to ask for an apology. Later that evening all via text, we argued, and she had an attitude, I replied, "well we're broken up now. and silence until the next night when I drove over her house and left a hand written note on her car, we were then together for several days until she came over May 7th, and stormed out after we argued more. So I guess we were officially broken up. Between May 7th and May 15th we talked almost daily via phone, text, and email. "I love you's", "I miss you's" etc were shared as we tried working it out. She also mentioned several times about how when somebody truly loves somebody that these things are tough and take a while to get over.

 

Friday night, May 15th I get drunk texts from my gf about how she wanted me to come pick her up and make love etc, but she was so drunk and got an attitude when I needed an extra 20 minutes to get myself together. Then before I could leave she text me, " When you have a woman dick whipped, don't keep her waiting for your **** when there are plenty of other men ready and willing". I was disgusted! She then called me and said the same thing, "I could text a bunch of men right now to come satisfy my vagina". Again, I was disgusted and said goodnight.

 

I expected a call to apologize the next day but I never heard anything, I was so upset and stayed in bed all that evening thinking about her and us. The next day I contacted her, we ended up speaking on the phone, and I suggested now that shes sober to come over and be together and see what happens. After an hour of trying to convince her, she says that she went on a date the day prior! A day after begging me to come over and make love to her, and her telling me she loves me and misses me, and also the message she sent about having other men lined up.

 

So naturally I ask about her date, and she said she called up a former friend with benefits and he came to her house right away and they went to a beach bar, and he dropped her off by 8pm, and that was it. No kissing, no nothing. So after me raising my voice and using a few choice words, she ended up coming over the very next morning, I had her look me in the eyes and promise me nothing else happened and no sexual contact, we then had sex. The next day she started turning on me about the few choice words I had for her after finding out about her date. I then started to question what really happened because it all sounded fishy, especially with the type of man (former friend with benefit) that took her out. She finally via text tells me that it was in fact a lot more that a friendly trip to the beach. She says she went back to his house and he made an innapropriate sexual pass at her and she ran home and that was it. In that same text she said for me to not contact her again. So I didn't the following day. All that week she had also been saying she needs counseling and wants us to go to counseling. I agreed and said I would too. Well this past Friday morning I made an appointment for us, she texted back saying she didn't know what good it would do us. I was confused. She then via text again told me that she did in fact kiss the man, and she had passed out drunk in his bed watching a movie to wake up finding him naked beside her. Then she ran out and nothing else sexual occurred. *Note earlier in the week when we made love she had bruises on her inner thighs (She says they were from when she sat in the child seat in a Walmart shopping cart while drunk - had a pic of this too from a few days prior).

 

So Friday night I wanted to confront her in person to hear it all in person and see her expressions etc. (and her expression was completely emotionless as was her tone - I even had to ask if she wanted me to leave and if I was disturbing her). So after her lies, sleeping with me, and more lies. I stormed out of her home and had a few more choice words. I then was so upset I blasted her two times that night with a ton of text messages that were the meanest and stupidest things I've ever said. The following morning I regret losing my temper and sending those texts. Now, not only am I heartbroken, I am disappointed in myself, two wrongs don't make a right.

 

Ive sent a long email this weekend apologizing for my words and explaining they were out of anger. I explained to her that despite everything I still miss her deeply. I also sent 4 texts.... I haven't gotten replies to anything, its now been 4 days since Friday night. So basically, since the key incident, my gf had flipped completely to a person I don't even recognize.

 

In Summary, we were technically split up for 8 days but talked almost every day via email, text, and phone, we both expressed that we still love and miss each other and she kept explaining that we cant get over true love like this so quickly, and she wanted to have sex the night before she threatened me that she can get laid anytime she wants and then followed through and went on that date. She had lied to me about the details of her date before sleeping with me again, and after. And all signs point to sex had happened but she denies it. When confronting her at her home I even said I need proof and please prove me wrong by showing me your text log with him - she said she deleted it. I then asked to get him on the phone and she refused strongly.

 

So now I stand disappointed in myself for the awful, awful things I said to her after the facts came out. I also am disgusted by her actions! I am willing to forgive, but she wont even communicate with me. Why did she do what she did? Why did she make the threat and then do what she did? Why tell me about it, and then lie about it before and after sleeping with me again? Am I sick for wanting to get back together???

 

Any advice or opinions are much appreciated!! Thanks for reading!!

[Quiet Storm]

You are in a dysfunctional relationship. You want to find logic where there is none. You will never make sense of it, because she is a person that is driven by her emotions, not logic or intellect. This is why she stormed off drunk in a bad neighborhood. She's a slave to her emotions. She didn't even care about her safety (in that moment). She definitely needs counseling. It also sounds like she needs to watch her drinking. She's very immature and dramatic.

 

Girls like this draw men in because men like the positive aspects of her personality- passion, good sex, she's exciting. But as you can see, there are many negative aspects to deal with- impulsive behavior, manipulation, no trust, other guys, drunkenness, etc.

 

You are doing the dysfunctional dance with her. She's downright mean to you, and you go right back for more. You even have to ask for apologies. It's not healthy and once couples get into this drama dynamic, it's very hard to change. So if you get back with her, be prepared for constant drama, babysitting her drunk ass, a steady cycle of breaking up and getting back together, and being miserable.

 

You are better off without her.

[GoBlue]

I am going to ask one simple question, does this sound like a normal healthy relationship to you? Neither one of you seems to know how to treat the other. Getting angry and saying all kinds of nasty things is never excusable or helpful in any way even if you are "angry." Words once spoken cannot be taken back. A woman who is constantly drunk and willing to tell you that she can have her female parts pleased by many different men - well, does that sound like a foundation for a loving and trusting long-term relationship (let alone marriage)? There are serious relational issues that need to be addressed. If she isn't going to that counseling session with you will you go anyway? That would be my recommendation. Do you see any way that this is someone you can build a future with?

[phillymoose]

I am going to ask one simple question, does this sound like a normal healthy relationship to you? Neither one of you seems to know how to treat the other. Getting angry and saying all kinds of nasty things is never excusable or helpful in any way even if you are "angry." Words once spoken cannot be taken back. A woman who is constantly drunk and willing to tell you that she can have her female parts pleased by many different men - well, does that sound like a foundation for a loving and trusting long-term relationship (let alone marriage)? There are serious relational issues that need to be addressed. If she isn't going to that counseling session with you will you go anyway? That would be my recommendation. Do you see any way that this is someone you can build a future with?

Over the course of the last month, no it doesn't sound like a healthy relationship, but I cant seem to get over her. I still care for her very much, Im still in love with her. I've forgiven her and am trying to believe that nothing sexual happened on her "date" as she says and I'm trying to accept that we were technically split up, although in my heart I believe both her and I knew we weren't finished.