unfoundedly jealous and unreasonable?

[reactivebread]

my boyfriend and I have been together for about 5 months now, and we recently moved in. I met him when he had recently lost his job, his car, and home, a really heartbreaking situation. I've stuck by him through it all and I fell in love with him despite those things. About a month in he said something that hurt me, and I subtly tweeted it, and a guy from the online community related to my blog responded asking what was wrong, and I told him my boyfriend had made me feel unwanted, or something. The guy responded like "oh I'm sorry" and it showed up on my phone, my boyfriend saw it. I apologized for being hasty and immature and didn't think it was that big of a deal. From then on he used that as the first instance of my "infidelity." I didn't even know the guy's real name or who he was really, it was just some random online person who was a regular blog reader of mine. I was super confused. He was making it out to be like I had literally cheated on him.

 

Got worse. He tried to break up with me once because I asked him if he could hurry at the bakery because I needed to go to the bathroom, he blew up at me saying I didn't care about anyone but myself because my bathroom needs were more important. Then when I started crying he said I ruined everything by "creating drama." Another time he pulled the same thing when we were leaving my house on a hot day and I stopped to ask him if maybe we would need to bring jackets. Blew up at me for an hour and a half, said I was wasting his time discussing it and again when I got upset, said I was drama. All this emotional exhaustion had me recounting it to a friend or two, which angered him because he doesnt want his relationship details between anyone but me and him. (So essentially he'd break up with me for writing this.) He brought up the random guy online from months ago as an example of me talking badly about him while also trying to attract (not even the case.) So it was a vicious cycle I couldnt win.

 

Later outside a grocery store I went in briefly and left my phone in the car with him, he broke into my phone and saw that I had texted a guy friend (who I didn't find attractive whatsoever) also related to my blog, just chit chat and talking about our dating lives, me saying "its been a rollercoaster financially" and that was it. Then he broke up with me (for a few hours) because I had now been "unfaithful" to him again by talking to this other kid who was my friend. I begged and cried and sobbed for him to not leave so eventually he didn't until I promised I would not have any more dialogue with this guy anymore. The guy would on and off text me and I didn't want to respond, as to have no dialogue with him..it felt awkward and not worth the energyto confront him with "I can never talk to you again!" but he would text here and there and I would never respond, but enough that I didn't want my bf to see my phone that his name would pop up on the screen and get suspicious, and if I deleted the number, get suspicious of an unknown number. So I changed the kid's name in my phone to some woman's name to avoid the whole deal. He texted me "happy birthday" and I didn't ignore it but just said "thanks." My bf broke into my phone a week later and saw that text, found out of me changing the name in my contacts. All hell broke loose as he called me a cheater and a liar, you would've thought I had snuck the kid in the back room and had sex with him in secret or something it was made out to be. I've never cheated on ANYONE. EVER. And I've had plenty of opportunities to, but doing that sort of thing goes against every fiber in my body and I don't understand people who can. So, why is it ME out of everyone being accused of the worst infidelity?

[eye of the storm]

ummm why do you want to be with him?

[Downtown]

So, why is it ME out of everyone being accused of the worst infidelity?

RB, welcome to the LoveShack forum. The behaviors you describe -- i.e., irrational jealousy, projection (e.g., creating drama and then believing you had created it), verbal abuse, impulsive behavior, controlling behavior, lack of empathy, and rapid flips between Jekyll (adoring you) and Hyde (devaluing you) -- are some of the warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) and, to a lesser extent, NPD (Narcissistic PD).

 

Importantly, I'm not suggesting your BF has full-blown BPD but, rather, that he might exhibit moderate to strong traits of it or another PD. I caution that BPD is a "spectrum" disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your BF exhibits BPD traits. Of course he does. We all do.

 

Rather, at issue is whether he exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum). Not having met him, I cannot answer that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are not difficult to spot because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as very controlling behavior, always being "The Victim," and rapid event-triggered mood flips. I therefore suggest you take a look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs.

 

If you find most of those signs to sound very familiar, and if you're not yet willing to leave your BF, I would suggest you see a psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you're dealing with. I also would suggest that, while you're looking for a good psych, you also read my more detailed description of BPD warning signs at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you.

 

Significantly, learning to spot these red flags will NOT enable you to diagnose your BF's issues. Only a professional can do that. Yet, like learning warning signs for breast cancer and heart attacks, learning those for BPD might help you avoid a painful experience -- i.e., avoid staying in a toxic relationship and avoid repeating the experience with another man having the same issues. Take care, RB.

[Haydn]

RB, Some of this echos my ex. She would behave like this over the smallest of things. I once said exchanged `good evenings` with a girl in a lift. Instead of watching a good movie as planned it led to 3 hours of nasty bitter interrogation. And me stupidly begging her that i was faithful.

 

(The list is endless)

 

RS with possible BPD can be nasty, draining and can strip you of the person you are over time. I know that your feelings can be so `in to him` and you think things will change. I hope they do for you but they probably won`t.

 

BPD`s can be highly addictive RS so getting out can be hard.

 

My suggestion is you read the excellent links provided by Downtown and get familiar with this, as it sounds possible he has BPD.

 

But honestly try to get out of this.......

 

I wish you well.

[fardaxel]

I'm hesitant to suggest that every overly insecure person displaying a**hole behavior is somehow mentally ill.

 

Let's look at the facts: You moved in after 5 months with a guy who had no home, no car, no job, and an issue with controlling his anger. Forget BPD, because all that's going to do is provide you with another excuse to stay with a guy who should have been pinging red flags well before now.

 

No one can diagnose him with any personality disorder without the proper qualifications and a detailed clinical evaluation. Stick to what you know, reactivebread - your boyfriend does not sound like a good prospect, and the future of this relationship requires some evaluating.

 

Good luck.

[Downtown]

No one can diagnose him with any personality disorder without the proper qualifications and a detailed clinical evaluation.

I agree, Fardaxel. That's why I said above, "Learning to spot these red flags will NOT enable you to diagnose your BF's issues. Only a professional can do that." There is a world of difference, however, between making a diagnosis and simply spotting warning signs.

 

Before you graduated high school, you already could identify the selfish and very grandiose classmates -- without knowing how to diagnose Narcissistic PD. You could identify the class drama queen -- without being able to diagnose Histrionic PD. You could spot the kids having no respect for laws or other peoples' property or feelings -- without diagnosing Antisocial PD. And you could recognize the very shy and over-sensitive classmates -- without diagnosing Avoidant PD. Similarly, you will be able to spot strong BPD traits when they occur if you learn what warning signs to look for.

 

I'm hesitant to suggest that every overly insecure person displaying a**hole behavior is somehow mentally ill.

If RB were to determine that her BF exhibits moderate to strong traits of BPD or another PD, it would NOT imply he is "mentally ill." To be considered "mentally ill," the BF would have to have the full-blown PD and this behavior would have to be persistent over many years. As I noted above, BPD is a "spectrum disorder" that we all have to some degree and, at various stages of our lives, our position on that spectrum will change dramatically.

 

During early childhood, for example, we all behave like BPDers 24/7 because we are unable to control our own emotions. During our teens, so many of us start behaving that way again (due to hormones and changing brain structures) that most psychologists will refuse to diagnose BPD until a person is at least 18. Likewise, we may temporarily exhibit strong BPD symptoms during any pronounced hormone changes, which includes not only puberty but also pregnancy, postpartum, or midlife changes.

 

Hence, by learning to spot BPD warning signs, we learn far more than how to avoid marrying a BPDer. We also learn how to better understand our own dysfunctional behaviors at various points in our lives. Unfortunately, most folks are unaware of the power of this BPD information to cast a bright light on their own occasional behaviors. They mistakenly think that BPD traits are only useful for diagnosing whether a person has full-blown BPD.

 

This mistaken view largely arises from the flawed way in which the APA's diagnostic manual -- DSM-5 -- treats BPD (and other PDs) as something one "has" or "doesn't have." For several decades, most of the psychiatric community has known that this dichotomous approach to evaluating BPD traits is absurd because BPD is a "spectrum disorder" we all have to varying degrees. This is why the APA is intending to fully replace this dichotomous approach with a graduated approach that makes it clear we all lie somewhere on that spectrum -- and that our positions on the spectrum will greatly change at various points in our lives.

 

Because so many people believe BPDers have a thought process that is unfathomable and alien, I try to avoid any suggestion that a BPDer (or other PD sufferer) has a different system of logic or thinking. Instead, I keep reminding folks that we all have been there and done that ourselves -- and likely will do so again when we get really angry, very infatuated, or experience a strong hormone change. Sliding to and fro on the BPD spectrum is simply the human condition.

 

Forget BPD, because all that's going to do is provide you with another excuse to stay with a guy who should have been pinging red flags well before now.

Perhaps RB should "forget BPD" -- with respect to her BF's behavior. As I noted earlier, I cannot know whether his BPD traits are strong or not. I've never even met the guy. Hence, I simply pointed RB to a description of the warning signs so she has an opportunity to decide, for herself, whether most of those red flags are present at a strong level.

 

As to your claim that acquiring knowledge about BPD will only "provide... another excuse to stay with a guy," I concede that acquiring knowledge always carries with it the risk that you may use that knowledge incorrectly. That is true for ALL knowledge. I note, however, that there is a world of difference between understanding the BF's behavior and excusing that behavior. I believe RB is sufficiently intelligent to understand this difference. And I believe it is condescending to advocate withholding this information from her based solely on your supposition that she will misuse it.

 

Granted, it is possible that RB will do exactly that. Anything is possible. This means that, if she is absolutely determined to continue living with an abusive BF, she might mistakenly use his BPD traits as one more excuse for staying with him. In that case, however, she would be just as likely to use your term -- "a**hole behavior" -- as an excuse too. At issue, then, is not whether providing her with a label for the behavior gives her "another excuse" for staying. Both labels carry with them that small risk.

 

Instead, at issue is whether RB will start using an educated term that rises above common terms like "a**hole behavior." If RB wants to better understand her BF's anger issues and abusive behavior, it is important to acquire the necessary tools -- i.e., the terms that professionals use to describe the basic patterns of behavior that we all have to varying degrees. Although this knowledge will not allow her to determine whether he is mentally ill or has a full-blown PD, it nonetheless will allow her to protect herself by being able to spot the warning signs. And it will give her a better understanding of her own behavior as she moves through various stages of her life.