charlezz Posted April 25, 2015 Share Posted April 25, 2015 Dear brothers, I will try to keep this short. Our relationship is complicated and somehow full of dramas.. It all started from my mistakes and inability to realize and change for the better - together for 3years (I'm 33, she's 29) - I have been quite lazy for the past one year and neglected her.. Eg. Addicted to drinking with friends and playing video games and always leaving her to sleep alone.. - she is always angry with me when I pay her not much attention.. - at the end of the relationship.. She's fed up with all the problems and my inability to realize my mistakes and finally we had a big fight and quarrel and we both decided to break up.. She actually wants marriage and I'm incapable for giving her that at the moment. (Quarrels have been frequent for the past 2months.) - 2weeks of no contact from both parties. (Last contact was ended as "let's move on", with anger and hatre) - I realized my mistakes in the relationship (neglecting her and paying enough attention on her) - I have changed and determined to make a change to my life in a positive manner and quoted video games Today I break no contact and send her a sincere apology text stating my mistakes and my realization and my determination to change for better. In the text, I didn't say things like.. "please come back to me, will you forgive me etc" nothing about begging too.. Look.. Now I realized and I want her back and determined to change for the better for myself and her. What can I do next since I have send this apology? Do I check in once a while with messages like, "I just passed by ***** and I thought of you and made me smile.. " Thanks.. I'm not sure if this is the section to post.. Thank you *ps* there are rumors that she has a new bf.. Link to post Share on other sites
Col1 Posted April 25, 2015 Share Posted April 25, 2015 *ps* there are rumors that she has a new bf.. Three years together, and two weeks out she's already in another relationship? That will blow up soon enough, as she'll over-talk him about how you wronged her ("I want to get married"), until the new guy never calls back. So, don't contact any more so you don't look too desperate. She may very well consider your apology. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Col1 Posted April 25, 2015 Share Posted April 25, 2015 If she calls: you offer to go to relationship counseling with her and do everything the therapist recommends. That will show you are committed to change. Otherwise she'll envision you returning to your old ways soon after reconciling. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted April 26, 2015 Share Posted April 26, 2015 Why is that you couldn't work with her on these things before the breakup but now you're desperate to change to make her happy? Don't you think she's going to consider that she had to completely kick you out of her life before you'd consider trying to meet any of her needs? No one wants to have to work that hard to just get some attention from someone. She can get it elsewhere, and has done so. Leave her alone now. You had your chance. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
devilish innocent Posted April 26, 2015 Share Posted April 26, 2015 Trying to send random messages to an ex to get them to start talking to you again doesn't work. It only leads to messy situations. I agree with preraph. You had a long time to change if she was important to you. When she reached the breaking point during the last fight, you agreed with her that the relationship wasn't worth saving. Now, all of a sudden after two weeks, you suddenly decide that you want to do whatever it takes to make it work? I have to wonder if it isn't just because you are jealous that she is seeing somebody new. If she wants to give the relationship another shot, she'll let you know. Otherwise, it means that the relationship has run it's course and that it's time to move on. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted April 26, 2015 Share Posted April 26, 2015 You are going to have a struggle with this because if she tried to communicate to you lots of times and you ignored what she said, she will have got angry. Eventually, anger turns into dislike and people switch off at that point. You might have changed, not that people usually do, but even if you have it may be too late. You could try to get her back but I expect she's moved on. Any sane woman would not go back into a situation they were unhappy in. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted April 26, 2015 Share Posted April 26, 2015 This reminds me of women who break up with their boyfriends who say they are not ready to get married. Many times when a woman breaks up yes she is taking steps to move on but she is holding out some hope that the breakup will be a last ditch effort to open the guy's eyes to the fact that she is the one he needs to marry and that he can't live without her. Sometimes couples break up for 6 months and then reconcile and marry and that 6 month separation was an essential tool to wake the guy up and make him realize he doesn't want to live without her. I wonder how common that is though, really? Leaving a partner, especially one you might be living with already, is a huge and stressful step. If I had got to the point of having to leave such a relationship, there is no way I would go back. The hurt that got me to that point would have been too great. Why would I go back to a guy that has been so thoughtless and caused my life to be so stressful and then disrupted? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 26, 2015 Share Posted April 26, 2015 Are you changing because you hope you'll get her back or are you changing for yourself? Focus on you, quit the drinking, find healthy and active hobbies to keep you busy, exercise and eat well. If/when the time comes you talk to her, don't go asking right away if she'll take you back. She has to 'see' the differences in you, hear about them from others (if you have mutual friends)...With that said it may not be enough to bring her back to you. You really hurt her and made her feel bad. If she is still in love with you it's possible. If the feelings on her end are gone, there's no chance. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author charlezz Posted April 26, 2015 Author Share Posted April 26, 2015 Thank you for all the comments I am actually changing more for myself and of course, I want her back too if it's not too late. The thing is.. To get her back.. Do I go all out? Or limited contact? Or just give her space? Since I have already send the apology message Link to post Share on other sites
Col1 Posted April 26, 2015 Share Posted April 26, 2015 Thank you for all the comments I am actually changing more for myself and of course, I want her back too if it's not too late. The thing is.. To get her back.. Do I go all out? Or limited contact? Or just give her space? Since I have already send the apology message One message is already enough. You've put the word out there. She may make you wait to show you she won't be a doormat. So you be willing to work on her time frame now. May be a few weeks. If she wants to be chased, then she will respond with something pouty or even aggressive anger. That will be a good sign. Then, only then, are you given the green light for another communication (arrange an IN PERSON meet for coffee or dinner... no more apologies through texting). 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author charlezz Posted April 26, 2015 Author Share Posted April 26, 2015 One message is already enough. You've put the word out there. She may make you wait to show you she won't be a doormat. So you be willing to work on her time frame now. May be a few weeks. If she wants to be chased, then she will respond with something pouty or even aggressive anger. That will be a good sign. Then, only then, are you given the green light for another communication (arrange an IN PERSON meet for coffee or dinner... no more apologies through texting). That sounds good. Thank you Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted April 26, 2015 Share Posted April 26, 2015 Examine your relationship with alcohol. It might play a bigger part than is immediately obvious. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author charlezz Posted May 8, 2015 Author Share Posted May 8, 2015 The thread is dead, But i figured I should keep it updated for further advices. Sorry if i am wuss for the following but I am trying to recover... I messaged my ex last night, it has been 2 weeks i didn't contact her since the apology msg. "Hi <Ex gf>, I know you need some space. I hope the best for your future. If there's any problem, you can let me know. All the best" She replied and we had a chat on how's life etc etc. Notable conversation Ex: "Now you should have many girls whom you are talking to" Me: " 1 or 2 of them." Ex: "You mean 1 or 2 girls? Ok Maybe she will be the one that you want" I didn't respond for 20mins although i am online on Whatsapp. Ex: "Why aren't you sleeping?" <Its late night> Ex: Are you playing games again? Me: Nope, I am looking at another chat group Ex: Hmmm or are you playing game now? Just tell me Hahahaha. No need to be scared of me now <In the past she always complain about my gaming habits.> <Honestly, I have quitted the gaming addiction> Me: Haha Nope. Really. Its been 3 weeks the last I played games. Ex: Really, thats great! Me: Many things going on in life, playing game is wasting my time. Ex: So finally you knew about it.. I was having a bad vibe that she's like the lecturer and I am a student.. Not a good feeling.. Me: When are you coming to <My country>? Your Heels are with me. **She's currently another country working whom she's now together with her last Boyfriend. We once broken up for 3 months and she is working at another country <every work trip is 2months> and hooked up with this dude whom apparently loves her a lot. Now they are back together after our break up.. IMPORTANTLY, I found out through a friend and through some technology means. She is hiding the fact that she is with that guy now, I am sure she doesn't want me to know that she's already with this dude*** Ex: You wanna see me? Me: Yes of course =) Ex: If I am at <my country>, you will drive and meet me? For what? Me: We can go cycling. You always love cycling, you can use my bike <When we were together, I broke many promises when i want to bring her out for cycling> Ex: You better keep that bike for your new girl. I dont dare to use Me: Hahah Cute, no girl uses that new bike before (Am i screwing up?) Ex: Its okay, Last time, I am supposed to go cycling, the beach and do many activities but I haven't had chance to do <Because of me>. Quite a poor thing for me Me: Well. That's the regret I had. I know I dont have responsibility that time<of making empty promises on dates> Ex: Like you always said, the past is the past. Good night, I'm sleepy. You can ask you daughter to contact me anytime. Kiss Kiss. Good night 15mins later Me: Good Night Kisses ----Next day <Today>---- Ex: Ohhh! You sleep so late. 7:29am. I didn't reply to that. Will you guys respond? The thing is she's now seeing that dude, how do i go about doing this.. I do want her back.. But I know its just a knee jerk reaction... I know I am also keen to find other girls... But it really kills me to know that that dude is with her now.. I am thinking of not initiating contact... since she's with this new dude... Confusions.. What will you do now if you want this ex back? Link to post Share on other sites
Author charlezz Posted May 8, 2015 Author Share Posted May 8, 2015 And should I just let her know that.. Actually I know that you are already together with that dude. Hmmm sounds like a sour grape... Sounds like I am affected and not cool... Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted May 8, 2015 Share Posted May 8, 2015 Ex: Like you always said, the past is the past. Good night, I'm sleepy. You can ask you daughter to contact me anytime. Kiss Kiss. Good night This is all you need to hear. She doesn't sound like she wants to come back. I think she's with him for the long haul for now. You need to go NC and move on. She's someone elses girl now. Respect that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author charlezz Posted May 9, 2015 Author Share Posted May 9, 2015 Updates, She texted me this morning asking why am I awake so early. I replied that I am going for a buffet lunch at a reputable hotel. She replied :"wow! With your new girl?? So nice! Without me, your life is better hahaha" I didn't respond. Looks like she's jealous. What action will be the best? I am thinking of ignoring her reply and let her imagination play on her Thank you Link to post Share on other sites
Author charlezz Posted May 9, 2015 Author Share Posted May 9, 2015 Updates, She texted me this morning asking why am I awake so early. I replied that I am going for a buffet lunch at a reputable hotel. She replied :"wow! With your new girl?? So nice! Without me, your life is better hahaha" I didn't respond. Looks like she's jealous. What action will be the best? I am thinking of ignoring her reply and let her imagination play on her Thank you Link to post Share on other sites
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