movingforward2013 Posted April 6, 2015 Share Posted April 6, 2015 (edited) The OW in my previous situation never responded to me when I contacted her via phone and text. Back story is, my now XWH met OW while she was in med school. We were living apart because of his new job and me finishing school and when he got a taste of freedom- he forgot his responsibilities to our family. He eventually fell in love with the OW and gave me the ILYBNILWY speech. I eventually found out he was seeing her which ultimately led to our demise. We were newly married too so it was just a big mess. Now 2.5 years later, I have heard he is still with OW. She has now finished med school and will be moving 3 hours away from him to do her residency. I only speak to my ex when it concerns our son. He has tried to be friendly with me but I figure he wanted a soft spot to land and the option to come back if he wanted. I deserve more than that so NC it is. One thing that I always wondered though- why did OW never respond to me contacting her. Apparently she didn't know about me or my ex's marriage so I couldn't really blame her. She was dating a guy that turned out to be newly married. I am kind of surprised she stuck around after finding out but he probably fed her lies and she was happy with the money he spent on her to rock the boat. The money has since run out due to child support but by now I would expect there to be an emotional connection so she wouldn't leave. I also wonder if my ex would try to come back after OW start her residency and won't have much time for him. There is a 9 year age difference between the both of them with my ex being 36 so I kinda hope she falls in love with a doctor coworker and leave my ex broken hearted just like he left me in 2012. Thanks in advance- I am just trying to get an OW perspective on this. It destroyed my family. I am a single mother now struggling to raise our son. Edited April 6, 2015 by movingforward2013 Link to post Share on other sites
minimariah Posted April 6, 2015 Share Posted April 6, 2015 One thing that I always wondered though- why did OW never respond to me contacting her. Apparently she didn't know about me or my ex's marriage so I couldn't really blame her. how do you know this? i'm not an OW but i assume she didn't answer your phone calls because in reality - she doesn't owe you any answers and she probably didn't want to deal with all the drama; the OWs who were in the that situation will probably give you more answers. one thing - my advice to you: move on. and by moving on i mean this - stop hoping his relationship with the OW will eventually fail. trust me, that's more damaging to your healing than you think. is he at least a good father? who has the custody and how often does he see the child? did the child meet the OW? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted April 6, 2015 Share Posted April 6, 2015 In general, in life, responding to any random contact from another human being is a choice and such responses are not legislated nor compelled so everyone exercises free will. Only the person in question knows one, if they actually received a contact and two, why, if received, they didn't respond. In general, I could sum up my perspective as follows: I don't respond to people in real life, generally, because I don't care enough, either about the topic or the person, to take my time and effort to respond. This could be business, it could be personal, it could be relationship-related. I'm at an age now where I know I'm not going to get attaboys from God at the pearly gates from supplicating to the wants and proclivities of fellow humans. I'll just get dead. So I do what I want. That's one opinion from a fMM and fOM. Link to post Share on other sites
Author movingforward2013 Posted April 6, 2015 Author Share Posted April 6, 2015 I know this because ex admitted it to me. She had no idea until I texted her our wedding photos. No he is not a good father- but I have him on child support so that I can receive some help. He is more preoccupied with spending time with her since she is about to leave for her residency than spending time with his son.... But that is what usually happens with affairs. I definitely let it go last year. I filed for divorce in 2013 and everything was finalized in December 2013. I just recently browsed this forum and saw they added the OW/OM section (which is where I originally posted this). This was a question on my mind that never got answered so I posted. Link to post Share on other sites
Author movingforward2013 Posted April 6, 2015 Author Share Posted April 6, 2015 (edited) I have custody. He sees our son once a month. He did introduce our child to OW and had her baby sitting him while he worked but once I found out, I contacted her and told her to stay away from our son- she blew up my marriage and helped break up our family so I would appreciate if she stayed away from my kid. She never responded but from what I know, she hasn't been back around my son. Edited April 6, 2015 by movingforward2013 Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted April 6, 2015 Share Posted April 6, 2015 I've never been the OW, thank God, but I would have thought fear would play a big part in this. Who would want to speak to BW who is likely to be furious and wanting to vent her anger? Another angle might be that if she spoke to the BW, she might hear more of the true story behind her exciting new partner's life than she wants to acknowledge. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
goodyblue Posted April 6, 2015 Share Posted April 6, 2015 (edited) I was OW and am now in an open relationship with my former affair partner. It was a short affair, but to answer your question, my guy was miserable in his marriage and was looking for a way out. His ex called me one time with her adult daughter on speaker phone screaming at me like a banshee. I referred them back to my guy and hung up. After a couple of years of her emailing my guy while she was drunk and calling us both names, I finally sent her a reply that we were happy, that I was sorry for her pain, but it was over and to move on, that there would be no more communication and that was that. We just want to live our lives. He stayed with her to raise their daughter. He has not loved her in a long time. The demise of their marriage came from him not wanting to be with her any more. That is his baby to rock, not mine. I do not have anything to say to her. He could answer her questions, and did several times. It is really that simple for me. I also want to say that you really can't keep your son from them either,especially if they marry. If she is not abusing your son, he can have her around the baby. Good luck. I am sorry for your pain and hope you find peace. Edited April 6, 2015 by goodyblue 2 Link to post Share on other sites
purplesorrow Posted April 6, 2015 Share Posted April 6, 2015 Why would expect common courtesy from someone who is screwing your husband behind your back? Just like he wasn't thinking about you neither was she. Don't waste any more of your precious time thinking about her. It sounds like she's about to be in the same shoes you were in. She will probably think about you then. As for your child, sadly you have no say so in who your ex has around him. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted April 6, 2015 Share Posted April 6, 2015 I didn't know whether to laugh, cry, or say a swear word in response to the "tough luck, she doesn't owe you anything" remark. I guess when someone is that callous, they aren't going to give a crap about the pain they chose to help put you through. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted April 6, 2015 Share Posted April 6, 2015 I contacted her and told her to stay away from our son- she blew up my marriage and helped break up our family so I would appreciate if she stayed away from my kid. Excuse me but if she had no idea he was married, how did she "blow up your marriage and help break up your family"? That's on your cheating husband; he's the one who did that all on his own. If I were her I would not reply either, if I were being accused of that by a BS I didn't even know existed, when I was lied to and deceived by a married man. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Author movingforward2013 Posted April 6, 2015 Author Share Posted April 6, 2015 Excuse me but if she had no idea he was married, how did she "blow up your marriage and help break up your family"? That's on your cheating husband; he's the one who did that all on his own. If I were her I would not reply either, if I were being accused of that by a BS I didn't even know existed, when I was lied to and deceived by a married man. She knew after the fact.... An honorable woman wouldn't have anything to do with a married man. She got a pass at first since she didn't know but once she knew, she decided to stick around knowing her presence would cause a young son to have his family blown up.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author movingforward2013 Posted April 6, 2015 Author Share Posted April 6, 2015 I didn't know whether to laugh, cry, or say a swear word in response to the "tough luck, she doesn't owe you anything" remark. I guess when someone is that callous, they aren't going to give a crap about the pain they chose to help put you through. Ya know- people really just don't give a **** about one another any more- this is how these affairs start in the first place. But Karma is a bitch and in my case, my ex is paying dearly. How unfortunate- it was all good 3 years ago. *shrugs* 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author movingforward2013 Posted April 6, 2015 Author Share Posted April 6, 2015 Why would expect common courtesy from someone who is screwing your husband behind your back? Just like he wasn't thinking about you neither was she. Don't waste any more of your precious time thinking about her. It sounds like she's about to be in the same shoes you were in. She will probably think about you then. As for your child, sadly you have no say so in who your ex has around him. You are absolutely right- I have no say. Fortunately for me, she seems to be scared of me and stopped coming around him. I don't care about the new girlfriends my ex will bring around but it is something about that one. I guess cause she knew what was going on. But like you said, she will one day be in my shoes because my ex damn sure hasn't changed. Before our divorce was final, we almost slept with one another- yet he was still seeing her. She wasn't happy when I told her but she stuck around for another year. I have no idea why, but then again, I would never continue to **** a man who didn't reveal to me he was married. Infidelity is an interesting topic. I am glad this forum has the OW/ OM section. I go in there daily to read what they post... Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted April 6, 2015 Share Posted April 6, 2015 There are many reasons she may not have responded... - your ex told her you are insane - your ex told her not to talk to you - she wants to avoid the drama - she didn't see anything wrong in what she was doing I'm sure there are lots more reasons. It doesn't matter. If they are still together 2.5 years later, your best option is to be polite and cool. She may end up as your son's step-mom, so it is time to move on. Focus on being a good mom. Focus on letting go of him and any anger toward them. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Quiet Storm Posted April 6, 2015 Share Posted April 6, 2015 I wouldnt sweat it. She had a role in the breakup of your family, but you and your son are a family, too. Don't let your anger rain on the good things that you do have. My guess is your ex told her not to respond to you. I've noticed that most MM do not want OW and BS to compare notes. He may have even told her you were a crazy alcoholic. Most OW feel loyalty to the MM and don't want to get him in trouble, so they won't be honest anyway. If you told her all about his negative traits, she would think that you bring that out in him, and that he would never do those things to her because she makes him happy. She'll see his affair as situational and not character related. You'd think a doctor would be smarter than this, but it doesn't surprise me. She'll realize his true character soon enough. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted April 6, 2015 Share Posted April 6, 2015 She knew after the fact.... An honorable woman wouldn't have anything to do with a married man. She got a pass at first since she didn't know but once she knew, she decided to stick around knowing her presence would cause a young son to have his family blown up.... You have no idea what he told her. He could have said he left you because you were a crazy loon. He could have said that you were abusive to him. He could have said he left you before he started dating her and that you were just bitter about it. He could have said you refused to ever give him sex and he was leaving you anyway. He could have said you both agreed to a separation but you changed your mind. The list is endless. I will tell you that I was in almost the exact same position as her (heck - I even have the same career as her) and he fed me (and his wife) half-truths and outright lies and total fantasies to get us to both stay where he wanted us. Not that it wasn't my fault for not realizing the situation until too late. And I consider myself an "honorable person" - and I think most others on this forum who know me would agree (I hope) - you don't have to agree. Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted April 6, 2015 Share Posted April 6, 2015 Fortunately for me, she seems to be scared of me and stopped coming around him. Ah, so she did distance herself from him. Maybe she's not such a horrible person after all. I doubt she is scared of you. She probably just realized he is a jerk, same as I did in my situation. Sometimes it takes awhile to sort through and disengage from all the crap these men create, especially when emotions are involved. Link to post Share on other sites
cocorico Posted April 7, 2015 Share Posted April 7, 2015 Perhaps, like many OW, she didn't feel the need to expose herself to the hysterical rantings of some woman who means nothing to her (and as good as nothing to her BF). Why expose yourself to abuse and aggression unnecessarily - especially from someone who mattered so little to your BF that he chose to forget she existed? I don't know this OW, or the details of the R, but as a fOW I would certainly not have entertained any communication from the XBW had she attempted any. I choose to surround myself with sane, good people, and I don't need the kind of drama she courts, or the toxicity she gives off. Luckily my H feels the same way and he effectively blocked her from any form of communicating with us. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
beatcuff Posted April 7, 2015 Share Posted April 7, 2015 OP, please reconcile: One thing that I always wondered though- why did OW never respond to me contacting her. AND He did introduce our child to OW and had her baby sitting him while he worked but once I found out, I contacted her and told her to stay away from our son- it appears you did have contact. and after that encounter i would not bother to contact you again either. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted April 7, 2015 Share Posted April 7, 2015 (edited) From the POV of the BS, the OW needs to be humble, she need to accept what she did was wrong and wear the hair shirt and beat herself up daily over how bad a person is. She needs to accept the wrath of the BS, in an unquestioning way. However that is not always the reality. The OW in this case "won", she is the victor, she is the one that landed the prize, she is therefore the one with the power. The BS here needs to accept her lot, as she has no power. That is why the OW never replied. Why should she? It is not to her advantage to engage with the BS. She is not going to put herself through that trauma. She is now the partner of the WS, she is not going to gang up on him behind his back, is she? That may not be fair, that may rankle and annoy, but that is the way it is unfortunately for the OP. Edited April 7, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Erised Posted April 7, 2015 Share Posted April 7, 2015 This is how I see this having gone down. She didn't know. She got emotionally attached. You send wedding photos Your ex tells her, yes we were separated and I wanted a divorce but she is crazy/threatebed suicide/ we needed the year living apart to start the process. I am so sorry I lied but I was single but a piece of paper and you are so amazing I couldn't risk losing you. Ill do whatever it takes to prove this you. He is with her not you so he follows through and is emotionally attached so forgives the lie just like many BW forgive WH. Later she's doing something people in relationships do and seeing his kid, and you call and freak out despite her not having knowingly involved with a married man and she might believe still wasn't after wedding photos if he said crazy and separated.... This type of behavior from you outright confirms the crazy story she was told. It is really out there behavior after its been decided and moving on should have happened. This helps her believe him more and probably helped them stay together. You might have benefited your XH there. She doesn't want the drama; distances from the kid (sadly because if they do marry that hurts the relationship between your son and his dad just from a time standpoint etc) and decides not to engage what she has been told and seemingly confirmed is a XW who can't move on and might be a threat to her person and certainly her peace. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
purplesorrow Posted April 7, 2015 Share Posted April 7, 2015 That may or not be true but Coco-rico does have a point. From the POV of the BS, the OW needs to be humble, she need to accept what she did was wrong and wear the hair shirt and beat herself up daily over how bad a person is. She needs to accept the wrath of the BS, in an unquestioning way. However that is not always the reality. The OW in this case "won", she is the victor, she is the one that landed the prize, she is therefore the one with the power. The BS here needs to accept her lot, as she has no power. That is why the OW never replied. Why should she? It is not to her advantage to engage with the BS. She is not going to put herself through that trauma. She is now the partner of the WS, she is not going to gang up on him behind his back, is she? That may not be fair, that may rankle and annoy, but that is the way it is unfortunately for the OP. Are you a bw? Because I as BW didn't think my wh's ow needed to do anything. I didn't call her to tell her what an awful person she was and how awful her actions were. Her feeling bad would have had no effect on me. But when she called me, I wished her well in life and told her I hoped she could find healing from any hurt and pain she was suffering. I certainly didn't call her to gang up on WH! She was the last person I would turn to for support. Sounds like a Hollywood movie plot. There is no 'power' to be lost. That implies one can control another... Link to post Share on other sites
Toodaloo Posted April 7, 2015 Share Posted April 7, 2015 I have custody. He sees our son once a month. He did introduce our child to OW and had her baby sitting him while he worked but once I found out, I contacted her and told her to stay away from our son- she blew up my marriage and helped break up our family so I would appreciate if she stayed away from my kid. She never responded but from what I know, she hasn't been back around my son. This is not moving on and the fact you "blew up" after she took care of your son while your ex worked... well that right there is your reason why she doesn't respond. Hate to say it but your husband cheated very quickly into your marriage. If I were you its time to heave a sigh of relief that you got rid of him. If his relationship with this woman continues then I am afraid she will be around your son. What do you want your ex to do? Stay single forever? Are you going to fly at any woman he ever introduces his child to? No wonder he avoids his son if spending time with him is going to cause this hassle... Time for you to move on and find someone more worthy of you and let them get on with it. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author movingforward2013 Posted April 8, 2015 Author Share Posted April 8, 2015 OP, please reconcile: AND it appears you did have contact. and after that encounter i would not bother to contact you again either. I contacted her- she never responded. I have yet to her side via words, text, phone, email. She has never once responded to me. The last contact I made was telling her to stay away from my son. He never responded but she stayed away. Link to post Share on other sites
Author movingforward2013 Posted April 8, 2015 Author Share Posted April 8, 2015 Thanks for the responses.... My ex husband contacted me today And he wants to talk..... About her and the situation. I wonder what he is going to say. I will ask this question directly to him.... Thanks again Link to post Share on other sites
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