Carm Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 I was out a couple of nights ago with a couple of girlfriends and we were discussing a relationship topic. Simply put, jealousy in a relationship. One of them is in a relationship with a man for 18 months and they both are not jealous of one other, even though men have tried to pick her up when he was in the same room (albeit these men did not know she was already taken). I've been with my bf for 9 months and we are both known to be a little jealous. He's a tall, dark & handsome man and me myself have never had a problem turning men's heads and men have been obvious with their immediate attraction toward me (in front of him). Here's the scenario, one of my gf's wanted me to go to a Singles meetup with her (just the two of us, but we knew other people there). My bf didn't tell me not to go, told me that he trusts me BUT he does not feel comfortable with men trying to flirt with me especially if he isn't around. Out of respect for his feelings, I told my gf that I was not going to go. I feel I did the right thing. However, they both are telling me that jealousy in a relationship is wrong. I'm not talking about controlling kind of jealousy but I disagree, I think a little bit is healthy. What do LS think? Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 Learned that Envy- Which is a desire to admire a trait or a habit is healthy. Jealousy is the negative of "to envy". I personally have no place for jealousy, it corrodes relations and keeps intimacy at bay. Your BF sounds like a keeper, wise to understand human nature and carefull enough to respect your sense of commitment . 2 Link to post Share on other sites
mammasita Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 He sounds well within his boundaries IMO. Jealousy would have been forbidding you to go because the thought of other men looking/flirting with you made him crazy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Carm Posted March 30, 2015 Author Share Posted March 30, 2015 He sounds well within his boundaries IMO. Jealousy would have been forbidding you to go because the thought of other men looking/flirting with you made him crazy. Totally agree. They (my gf's) were trying to make me believe that ANY jealousy in a relationship is a bad thing. I remember with my last bf I felt zero jealousy with him....it took me awhile to realize that I was never that into him that sparked any sense of jealousy. Link to post Share on other sites
mammasita Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 Not to mention, kudos to him for communicating his feelings to you in that way.....and to you for respecting his feelings about it. Sounds almost like a fairytale, like you live somplace where perfect relationships are made lol 2 Link to post Share on other sites
blackcat777 Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 I think to feel some jealousy is natural, perhaps even biological/territorial. HOW ONE ACTS in response to that impulse, however, is what makes it or breaks it. If a girl acts psycho and insecure, snoops through a guy's phone while he isn't there, etc... this is destructive to relationships and very bad. Same with guys who "forbid" their girlfriends to do things. If anyone does any of these things in a relationship (read: ACTS on jealousy in a harmful way), that's my cue to pack my bags and run for the hills. If I feel a passing twang of jealousy, I ask myself: am I being the best person I can be? Am I staying fit? Am I happy? Am I doing everything I can to keep my relationship fun? Am I appreciating my man? If I were to see something that makes me feel threatened, I would take it as a wake-up call to not be lazy with my relationship. I think that's the positive way to flip feelings of jealousy in a relationship. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Frank2thepoint Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 they both are telling me that jealousy in a relationship is wrong Your friends don't seem to understand that jealousy is a normal human emotion. A little is good, the one your boyfriend exercised, because he is expressing his desire for you. If he didn't show any jealousy, you might think he doesn't care if you go and get hit on by guys. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 Jealousy happens. It's one thing to have a fleeting thought. It's something else altogether to act on it & go nuts on your partner because of it. One of the best ways to reduce or avoid jealousy is to act respectfully & honorably toward your partner. Going to a singles event is a bad idea. It's unfair to the men you meet while there who may like you. It's just setting up a bad situation. Going to a bar or having a GNO because the point of those is not only to meet new people to date. There is a difference. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 If you are jealous they are probably cheating and made you that way. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Carm Posted March 30, 2015 Author Share Posted March 30, 2015 Your friends don't seem to understand that jealousy is a normal human emotion. A little is good, the one your boyfriend exercised, because he is expressing his desire for you. If he didn't show any jealousy, you might think he doesn't care if you go and get hit on by guys. Exactly. I had trouble understanding how my gf's boyfriend saw men flirting with his gf and didn't react at all! I think if my bf saw this and did not react, I would feel like he didn't even care. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Carm Posted March 30, 2015 Author Share Posted March 30, 2015 If you are jealous they are probably cheating and made you that way. Serious? I love how people inject their own personal life experiences and paint everyone with the same brush. No. He has never given me an actual reason to feel jealous and nor have I with him other than we both see the opposite sex stare at either of us when we are out and about. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 I guess it depends on how we define jealousy; the way I define it it's me being protective of the relationship and expecting respect for the relationship, not a negative. Quick example: my wife and I have been married for over 30 years, but she still turns heads. She and I were out for ice cream, and one guy let his head turn just a little bit longer than I was cool with. I looked at him, and when I finally caught his eye he started looking a little sheepish. He got the message. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 Exactly. I had trouble understanding how my gf's boyfriend saw men flirting with his gf and didn't react at all! I think if my bf saw this and did not react, I would feel like he didn't even care. You are encouraging the jealousy. Jealousy comes from insecurity. It is not an indicator of love. If the men were flirting with the GF but the GF didn't do anything, there was nothing for the BF to react to. The GF had no control over how those men she didn't know behaved. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Male Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 I think just a little bit of jealousy is OK. Just enough to voice your opinion, but not enough that it changes your actions or that of your SO. I feel a lot of women actually like their man to be a little jealous. In their mind, that shows that he "cares" for her. These women like to be under the thumb a bit. I am the type that always let my ex wife go out with her friends. I never complained, or followed her, or sent crazy text messages asking where she was or when she'd be home. But theres a lot of women that think thats odd if their man doesnt do any of that stuff. That little bit of jealousy is sometimes sort of a security blanket for some people. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Carm Posted March 30, 2015 Author Share Posted March 30, 2015 Donnovain.... I disagree. The gf did not do anything to shoo them away so in my eyes that wasn't right. I feel that a little bit of jealousy is fine. When I was with my last bf, any girl could have approached him and I actually wouldn't have cared. One day I realized that I just didn't care enough for him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Carm Posted March 30, 2015 Author Share Posted March 30, 2015 I think just a little bit of jealousy is OK. Just enough to voice your opinion, but not enough that it changes your actions or that of your SO. I feel a lot of women actually like their man to be a little jealous. In their mind, that shows that he "cares" for her. These women like to be under the thumb a bit. I am the type that always let my ex wife go out with her friends. I never complained, or followed her, or sent crazy text messages asking where she was or when she'd be home. But theres a lot of women that think thats odd if their man doesnt do any of that stuff. That little bit of jealousy is sometimes sort of a security blanket for some people. I'm not talking about controlling type of jealousy. I went out with a man a few years ago (for one month). One day, I told him I was heading out for dinner with a male client (we have been friends for many years and he's 20 years older than me), he told me I couldn't go and that if I wanted to go to that restaurant he would take me himself. I gave him the boot right then and there. That is wrong and it is not what I'm talking about. I go out with my gf's quite a bit, that same client I was just talking about and he says nothing and likewise, him going out with female clients or with the boys for a drink, I say nothing. We trust each other. To have ZERO jealousy to me means you just couldn't care less. Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 Serious? I love how people inject their own personal life experiences and paint everyone with the same brush. No. He has never given me an actual reason to feel jealous and nor have I with him other than we both see the opposite sex stare at either of us when we are out and about. Actually I was being facetious. I think there are people who really DO see a cheater under every placemat and think, "if they are jealous, you must be doing something." Those people indulge paranoia becauwse of THEIR projection issues. Some people have controll issues and are jealous for zero reason. Just like some people consider 2 "how ya doing old friend" emails an emotional affair. There's a whole industry that supports that paranoia. Link to post Share on other sites
kayla73 Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 Your boyfriend seems like a great guy. Your friends are not respecting your relationship, they are wrong. Jealousy is going to occur, it's normal to a certain extent. Your boyfriend is normal in the way he reacted. He trusts you, but doesn't trust the men that will be there. My boyfriend trusts me completely, but also wouldn't be comfortable with that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
clia Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 To have ZERO jealousy to me means you just couldn't care less. I disagree with this. I think jealousy stems from a place of insecurity in the relationship, and it would be normal to feel little to no jealousy if you are secure in your relationship and your partner. What is there to be jealous about unless you think the girl might actually leave the relationship for the other guy (for example)? People who are secure in the relationship aren't going to worry about that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Carm Posted March 31, 2015 Author Share Posted March 31, 2015 I disagree with this. I think jealousy stems from a place of insecurity in the relationship, and it would be normal to feel little to no jealousy if you are secure in your relationship and your partner. What is there to be jealous about unless you think the girl might actually leave the relationship for the other guy (for example)? People who are secure in the relationship aren't going to worry about that. Admittedly, we both of been burnt in past relationships and both of us are totally over it. I think there is a small degree of carry over from being betrayed but it's been years for me (and him). Regardless, very small doses of jealousy is not unhealthy but that's my opinion. I'm not jealous when he takes female clients out for dinner and nor is he jealous when I go out with male clients of mine. I'm not talking about extremes here. Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 I disagree with this. I think jealousy stems from a place of insecurity in the relationship, and it would be normal to feel little to no jealousy if you are secure in your relationship and your partner. What is there to be jealous about unless you think the girl might actually leave the relationship for the other guy (for example)? People who are secure in the relationship aren't going to worry about that. Thank you for bringing this to light (insightfullness!). It ires me that folks are basically equating jealousy with love/concern. its not. I really do sense that the Op is a wise lady and blessed to have a sweet guy! Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 I am a very jealous possessive person by nature...always have been. I think it has to do with my own insecurities. My husband tends to not be jealous...but he is also much more secure than i am. SO is jealousy a result of insecurity of the person who experiences the jealousy? Link to post Share on other sites
Nikki Sahagin Posted April 1, 2015 Share Posted April 1, 2015 I think a little jealousy is healthy and sexy. I think when you really value your mate, and think they are gorgeous, sexy and amazing, you do get a little jealous at the thought of losing them. It keeps you on your toes. Some people just aren't the jealous type at all. They are probs the lucky ones But I don't think jealousy is wrong. Some jealousy stems from personal or relationship insecurity; other jealousy is just a natural reaction. Chronic jealousy though is another story altogether... Link to post Share on other sites
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