Dating an older woman with kids

[VRRS1990]

I’ve Googled this question and there is plenty of opinions out there but I thought I’d ask on forums so I could bounce some ideas around and get feedback.

 

I’ve been seeing an older woman for about two years now and although we have only been casual I have not even wanted to see anyone else during that time. She is 36 (would easily pass for 10 years younger) with a 10yo and a 5yo and has been divorced 3 years. Everything is amazing with her, we are ultra compatible, and I would like to make a more serious commitment but I am worried the age difference could cause problems that I can’t foresee.

 

I get along well with her kids and parents and most of her friends but her ex hates me (and honestly scares me a little). My friends love her but my parents think she’s a gold digger (no idea why, I’m not rich). I just feel she is the one for me and when I have called her my girlfriend a few times in general conversation she has made comments like “you haven’t asked me yet” so I’m pretty sure she will be receptive if I ask.

 

One of her friends has warned me off telling me I am there for sex only but two others I have tested the waters with have given me their blessing but with a huge ultimatum that I stick around and don’t hurt her like her ex. Of course that’s my plan but now I am worried that there may be things I am not seeing and I may end up (unintentionally of course) hurting her if things sour.

 

She rents and I own my own home, for the last six months she has spent more than half her time here and the kids have their own rooms set up. We live well together, we even fight well together. The odd fight we have had we have been able to talk it through and resolve it quickly without yelling and screaming and carrying grudges.

 

I can’t see any reason not to give it a go, I am certainly going in with good intentions but the warnings from a few friends and conflicting advice everywhere have caused me to hesitate.

 

So I am here with open ears. Anything you can share, either positive or negative, will be a great help.

[Gloria25]

Several things...

 

-Her using you for sex? Well, depends. Either she's doing what I recommend - which is see you on the weekends for hamburgers w/o exposing her kids to some guy she's dating. But, then again, you said you already have room in your house for your kids. So, I wonder if she's using sex to butter you up....which leads into your question about Golddiggers.

 

-Golddiggers. Well, over the years I've learned that there are different classifications of "golddiggers" which means they all aren't looking for someone making six figures or more or whatever. Lol, on ID's "Cause of Death" they called a chick a "full time prostitute" cuz she took guys on a ride for their money. And nope, the guys weren't rich.

 

I guess you can call them "blue collar golddiggers" and then there's "dependas" (they chase military guys). These women aren't looking for riches, but pretty much a guy to spend money on them for "anything" - even if its just getting buy.

 

One woman I worked with...married to one guy, she worked a 9 to 5...yet, was shaking down old guys. One of them even brought her lunch one day. See, she's got one guy giving her 20 bucks, one paying her light bill, one giving her rides to/from work. Get my drift?

 

-Lastly, but most importantly: the kids. IMO, she shouldn't have exposed her kids to you (a stranger)...much less set up a "room" in your house when you are some guy she hasn't been even dating for two years. She doesn't even know if you're a pedophile (I'm not saying that you are one). To me that shows she's desperate to find someone to take on her kids and/or poor judgment.

 

IMO, you should not have been exposed to the kids (well, maybe introduced as a "friend"...but never let them catch you kissing her and/or sleeping over) unless you plan to go all the way - which is marriage.

 

For you to have created an emotional bond with these kids and now are "guessing" if you want more with her is just wrong, IMO. The kids are gonna be heartbroken cuz they already suffered a loss of their original mom and pop not being together and now you drop them.

 

I say, if you have no plans of marrying her, let her go NOW and don't move her in. And when I say "plans of marrying" that does not mean move her in then wait to see if one day you wanna marry. I say marry her first, then move her and the kids in.

 

So, in sum, do what you wanna do...but you sought my opinion and I think this stinks all over - especially for the kids. I would say back out now if you have no plans to marry her.

[VRRS1990]

Several things...

 

Thanks for your input but I'm not sure I follow all of what you have said. Your points re golddiggers are reasonable however I don't think they apply here, in fact I am certain she is not a golddigger.

 

Your point re the kids is also very valid given we are only in a casual relationship but truth be told the reality is very different. We both decided separately from each other that we would not see other people so for all intents and purposes we are gf and bf. We have virtually lived together for the last six months. I certainly would like to make it official and I am confident that she will feel the same way. Of course the kids would be hurt if we split but I think the chances of that are minimal, or maybe best to say I would be going into this relationship with a view to it being permanent, I'm not sure I could promise anything more.

 

I don't understand the "don't move her in" unless we plan to marry comment, this is 2015 not the 1930's. The truth is that I believe there is every chance I could marry her at some point in the future, I'm not sure waiting until I am 100% is the modern way of thinking.

 

I am very conscious about hurting her and the kids if things sour at some point in the future, in fact that was a big reason I started questioning my future which included started this thread. I am going into this with eyes open and with the best intentions, I'm not sure I could do any more than that, I'm not sure anyone could. If she was 10 years younger people would be telling us to go for it, I don't think we should pass up this opportunity just because she is older.

[Hawaii51]

Some diggers dig just to get by, doesn't have to be be gold.

[VRRS1990]

Some diggers dig just to get by, doesn't have to be be gold.

 

Sure, but do you really believe from what I have said that this might be the case here?

 

She has never asked me to pay for anything, she always offers half if we go out for dinner, she paid for her entire share when we went on a holiday together, she pay all her own bills, when at my place she buys groceries and never asks for money back. It just doesn't ring true to me but my parents are adamant and now two people here express the same views. I'm just not seeing it, can you explain why you think it's the case?

[carhill]

Welcome to LS.

 

Want any children of your own?

 

Current children's father in picture?

 

Does she have a stable work and social life absent dating you?

 

How does she feel about a more serious commitment?

 

You didn't say precisely how old you are but, if significantly younger, you're doing well to be buying your own home; while opinion varies on investment potential, such moves indicate stability and desire to put life's work into a relatively illiquid asset. Even more so if you're of average means. If you are, it's paramount to protect your life's work. Be careful about that part.

 

I dated an older lady with kids just prior to meeting my exW. She was about nine years older and already a grandmother and worked as a doctor at a local hospital. No issues at all and integrated well with her remaining daughter at home. Her ex was a doctor in another part of the country. I didn't see the age difference as a significant issue. I would say the main issue, if there was one, and probably why I chose to marry my now exW, was that this older lady's time for having children had passed (she was 47) and I wanted children of my own.

 

Since you appear to be moving rather deliberately here and are in no rush, continue and see how things go.

[VRRS1990]

Want any children of your own?

 

I have no great desire either way. I love her kids and am happy to be a father figure to them. If she wanted more kids (with me) I would love that but I wouldn't be devastated if she said she was finished.

 

Current children's father in picture?

He the typical "bad guy" that women like to date. He doesn't want to be with her but is not entirely happy that someone else is. He seems to love his kids has them regularly and is up to date with child support payments. He has issues when I make decisions about his kids which I don't blame him at all for and I have picked them up from school on a few occasions which he seems to accept given that we have been together a while but I wouldn't say he's entirely comfortable.

 

Does she have a stable work and social life absent dating you?

I actually met her when she interviewed for a position as my offsider. She didn't get the job but I saw her again that weekend at a nightclub and because we were familiar to each other we started talking and the rest, as they say, is history. She did get another job a week later and has held it since and already had a promotion. She has been offered to go full-time once both her kids are at school.

 

How does she feel about a more serious commitment?

I feel she is open to it. I have called her my girlfriend before and her reply is "you haven't asked me yet" which indicated to me that if I do it will be a positive reply. We also basically live at each others houses and neither of us see other people so it's as committed as a casual relationship could get. It was her idea for us to be casual but her reasoning was that I was young and shouldn't be tied down, I think we are way past that now.

 

You didn't say precisely how old you are

Sorry, I am 24... and a half... lol. Yep, just a baby.

 

it's paramount to protect your life's work. Be careful about that part.

That is true, but the same could be said if I was to move in and get serious with a 24yo, yes? I don't think there's ever a way to avoid that, you just make judgements of the person as you get to know them.

 

Since you appear to be moving rather deliberately here and are in no rush, continue and see how things go.

Well it's true that it has been rather deliberate and I feel the next step is to make the relationship serious and make the commitment and stop the insanity of paying for two households. I thought I would receive unanimous support but now that it's getting serious people seem to change their minds when they were perfectly fine when it was just some "casual fun". Now I'm starting to question whether I am right or they are.

[blackcat777]

I'm in a similar age gap relationship to you with a younger man... and let me say... people are *always* going to judge. Especially if things become more serious. You can't please everyone, and you should never try, especially with an intimate relationship; you have to do what's best for you, and what makes you happy.

 

You have to know what you want, and then pursue the relationship if it aligns with your inner compass.

 

If this woman is it, I'd say go for it! I'd definitely talk to her about your visions of the future, and gauge her receptiveness.

[Hawaii51]

Sure, but do you really believe from what I have said that this might be the case here?

 

She has never asked me to pay for anything, she always offers half if we go out for dinner, she paid for her entire share when we went on a holiday together, she pay all her own bills, when at my place she buys groceries and never asks for money back. It just doesn't ring true to me but my parents are adamant and now two people here express the same views. I'm just not seeing it, can you explain why you think it's the case?

 

I didn't say anything, I'm just saying that not all diggers can dig for gold. I don't know if she's mining you or not.

 

I do question your logic in marrying an old woman who has kids.. being a younger man who doesn't. It's just seemingly something most men/women avoid. If you had kids, no question.

[road]

She without the kids and being divorced once pales when seeing that she is 12 years older then you.

 

 

Too much age and too much baggage. Move on.

[VRRS1990]

I do question your logic in marrying an old woman who has kids.. being a younger man who doesn't. It's just seemingly something most men/women avoid. If you had kids, no question.

 

I didn't set out when this all started with a view to finding a lifetime partner but you know what, feelings develop and where I find myself now those are the feelings I have. Am I supposed to ignore them, am I supposed to walk away? It seems so easy when you're on the outside commenting because you can look at it all rationally with no feelings and no emotions involved. Unfortunately that is not how the real world works.

 

I am happy for this to progress, for this to become something more committed and see where it leads but I have to honestly say I am shocked by the amount of people who's views change as to the appropriateness of this relationship when it goes from friends with benefits to a committed couple. They're happy for us to have a sexual relationship and spend all our time together but as soon as we want to call ourselves a couple it's now somehow something to be wary of.

 

It's made me second guess myself at every turn, I think I may just have to start trusting my own judgement and deal with the consequences, either good or bad, as they present themselves.

[Diezel]

You say the ex scares you? Guess what, you get to deal with him at least 13 more years.

 

Are you ready to be told by your "girlfriend" that you aren't allowed to discipline HER children under YOUR roof? Guess what, this could very well happen.

 

Are you ready to face the possibility that she tells you she wants no more kids? Guess what, it could happen.

 

Are you ready to become "new daddy"? Guess what, she might not be gold-digging, but she very well could be daddy-digging.

 

Also... why do you feel like you need extra commitment? For what reason?

[dichotomy]

Being a father - a step father is a huge commitment, and very very full of pitfalls (i know) but you have already kind of crossed the line by letting them move in 50% of the way.

 

I was once on the fence about kids when I was your age. She is 36 you don't have that luxury. She has maybe 4 years or so of baby making in her .....and child genetic defects (like downs) are more common in children of older women. You have to really really consider this now whether you want to be a dad. If you like the bond with her kids - I say you will want one of your own. Also a 38 year old with a newborn (AND) 2 other kids. Wow, your life and relationship with her will change in an instant. It will put strain on her and you. Your life will be home, step kids, newborn, and not much time for sex or other romance. It will become VERY hard work (not in a bad way just work). Diapers, kids events, her ex husband issues, bdays, laundry, groceries, etc.. will fill your life.

 

Also in 14 years she hits menopause, right in your late 30's. Step kids in college, your child in high school, and her with hot flashes.

 

 

I would say no, young man. You can love many - but finding a compatible life partner is key.

Edited March 31, 2015 by dichotomy

[BetrayedH]

I think Dichotomy's concerns are legit to consider. You need to be forward thinking. I suggest you put some serious thought to the scenario he's presented because it's a very likely one.

 

For me, the age gap wouldn't matter much. But you and I are not the same person.

 

I do recognize people's concerns about the kids. I think you need to further educate yourself on the best path as a step-Dad. Say what you want about 2015. There's plenty of data out there that suggests your path isn't a good one for children of a divorce. Mom and the kids being in and out of her casual partner's home is not what is best for the kids. If you want to date exclusively, great. That would send a message of incremental stability to the kids. But you don't solve your financial problem (separate mortage & rent) by putting the kids at risk. They should only be moving in with you when a permanent commitment has been made and even then I'd suggest it wait until you are actually married. If you care about the kids, don't subject them to the potential for a break-up. They've been there already.