OLD Has Made Me Jaded

[KatZee]

I've been single for three years now. The first year was intentional. I had come off a really bad relationship and needed time to myself.

 

I slowly started dating again and jumped into the OLD scene due to so many of my friends on it and so many people telling me that they had a friend, who had a cousin, who had met their current boyfriend/husband from OLD.

 

I've been on countless dates. 90% of them resulted in zero connection from my end, the other 10% are guys I am interested in, but who for one reason or another wound up stringing me along, saying they weren't ready for a relationship, typical crap.

 

This is what I notice when I look around: I see some gorgeous women dating average, even below average looking men.

 

I know I'm not a 10 by any means, but I'm not an ogre, but for the life of me, I can't get anyone to seriously date me and I've come to this conclusion:

 

If an average/below average guy can get a gorgeous women, why would anyone even date ME? Every time I go on a date I feel like these guys have had hotter ex-girlfriends and I'm somehow a let down.

 

I've cancelled my OLD account because it literally feels like a lame version of The Bachelor. Always having to compete with the hoards of other women these guys are talking to, and having to endure them multi-dating while just trying to find one honest, person in the crowd.

 

I'm 30 so it's not that easy to find single men to date. I go out with my friends, we do "events" and things, but most men we come across are out with their girlfriends, or guys won't even approach us. Also, most are engaged/married by now.

 

Now I'm over here not really knowing what is wrong with me that there is literally not even one person on this planet interested in dating me, or even getting to know me beyond the first date.

[Woggle]

First off I am sure you are more attractive than you think and second of all contrary to popular belief it is about much more than looks when it comes to men. We are not as shallow as popular culture likes to depict us. Personality matters a lot to any guy who is serious about finding a quality woman.

[TigerCub]

I'm sorry dating has got you down:(

 

I totally get what you're saying.

I can't seem to find a decent guy either - but I actually notice that it's not that gorgeous girls are with mediocre guys - I also notice not so pretty girls with guys and so I don't really fixate on that.

 

I go on a LOT of dates, but I think I have a very very low threshold for bull**** and so I don't stick around.

 

But I totally get what you're saying - most guys in their 30s are married or have kids, and a lot of those that don't wanna play games, or aren't a good match or whatever..

 

It sucks at times

 

But keep going out with your friends like you do - and keep trying - cuz really, there is no good alternative.

 

Hopefully the tide will turn and things will get better.

 

I'm kinda in the same boat, so I can't offer a solution - just support

[endlessabyss]

I share your pain.

 

 

At least you're getting dates lol.

[BluEyeL]

I think you should read the book titled "The Science of Happily Ever After". It helped me understand better how to look for a partner and soon after, I found my partner on OLD. It will make you understand that often the reason we don't find a good partner is because our flawed criteria make it mathematically impossible to find a suitable partner that would make us happy on the long term.

[Auspecial]

OLD is not healthy. It works on a rare basis, and for those I am happy for.

[Imajerk17]

I am sorry to hear KatZee. I always enjoy reading your posts and your level-headed perspective.

 

I also agree w BlueEyeL though. 90% just seems to me to be a really high percentage of guys whom you feel "zero connection with". OLD is indeed a contrived way to meet someone and many good guys just don't know how to make a connection w a stranger over a first meet. (The 10% who *are* good at making a connection--which I will guess is pretty much the guys you are interested in--tend to have other girls interested in them as well and tend to not be in a rush to settle down.) Anyway, I do wonder if you had already met more than one guy who would have been awesome for you except he isn't that good on first dates.

 

So, what if you were to give say the top 20% of the 90% a second date....

Edited March 7, 2015 by Imajerk17

[bu2002]

How much depth did your OLD profiles have?

 

Some girls hardly put effort into their profile with just a couple of pictures and a couple of generic sentences. That will attract a wide pool guys that you may not be interested in.

 

So the issue isn't so much attracting guys, it's actually weeding them out based on what you write and creating more valuable pool to date from online.

[contact1]

I'm a bit curious, how did 90% of your date end up being no connection on your side? Seems rather steep, either not enough filters when setting up dates or expecting too much on a first date?

[BluEyeL]

I think looking for a "connection" on the first date is the wrong approach and in a good part keeps people single. A connection is built in time.

[insert_name]

I think looking for a "connection" on the first date is the wrong approach and in a good part keeps people single. A connection is built in time.

 

People are only as honest as their options. No disrespect to the OP but if she has enough dates to be able to calculate that she has a 90% non connection rate then she probably has enough leverage to know that another one will be along soon and she can roll the dice again.

 

I was at the other end of the scale on OLD. I had 4 dates off OKC and one in particular was the best fit for me, she wasnt perfect but ticked most of the boxes and after 4 hours of conversation where she looked to be enjoying herself I got the 'dear John' text that there was no spark! I wondered how she could be so sure after she had seemed so engaged and stayed so long on the date at her own insistance and I felt really let down and disappointed by that.

 

On reflection the truth was that she wasnt that great a fit for me, she was simply the best of the girls I had met and I struggled to get dates as it was so I had to be less discerning about things like 'spark'. She was probably talking to 2 or 3 other guys so she could be as picky as she likes. She deleted her account a couple of weeks later so it obviously worked out alright for her, I havent been on a date since (although the effort I put in to OLD dropped severely after meeting her).

 

So whilst I totally agree that, personally, it takes a couple of dates or more to truly judge how good a fit you are, people (especially women) have so many options to at least get to the 'go on a date' stage that they can afford to take risks whereas some guys are at the other end and cant afford to be too discerning.

 

Either way, OLD usually sucks for all involved.

[KatZee]

I think you should read the book titled "The Science of Happily Ever After". It helped me understand better how to look for a partner and soon after, I found my partner on OLD. It will make you understand that often the reason we don't find a good partner is because our flawed criteria make it mathematically impossible to find a suitable partner that would make us happy on the long term.

 

I am going to have to look into this book, I've never heard of it. Perhaps it will be an eye-opener!

[KatZee]

How much depth did your OLD profiles have?

 

Some girls hardly put effort into their profile with just a couple of pictures and a couple of generic sentences. That will attract a wide pool guys that you may not be interested in.

 

So the issue isn't so much attracting guys, it's actually weeding them out based on what you write and creating more valuable pool to date from online.

 

A lot, actually. And a very high percentage of people who messaged me made sure to point that out, and say that not many women had profiles like mine.

[KatZee]

I'm a bit curious, how did 90% of your date end up being no connection on your side? Seems rather steep, either not enough filters when setting up dates or expecting too much on a first date?

 

Well, like this: I've had a number of guys show up and look much different than their profile pictures.

 

I've had other guys show up (age 31+) and openly state they still lived with their parents, with no real plan to leave.

 

I've had other guys just show up and act pretty rude (either intentional or unintentional) but I wasn't feeling their behaviors. One guy met me at a bar and then pretty much balked when he saw there were tables for eating food. I guess he had zero intention of buying me food and then quite loudly went, "I ATE ALREADY." Then threw a fit when the waitress poured his beer in a glass, and demanded a new one in the bottle. When I ordered an appetizer because I hadn't eaten, he made a face when I offered him a bite and shook his head. Clearly he didn't want to be accountable for paying .10 cents for a bite of food. I paid that bill, and he had the audacity to ask if he could come back to my apartment.

 

One guy was nice enough but stank of cigarettes and that is a deal breaker for me. I would never ask someone to stop smoking, that's his choice.

 

Random other guys were one's I liked but didn't reciprocate.

 

Another guy was super needy/clingy and on date 1 was putting his hands all over me, calling me baby this, baby that. Terrible kiss at the end of the night too.

 

It's not like I don't give anyone a chance, I've gone on a bunch of dates and they all just turn out to be duds.

[KatZee]

People are only as honest as their options. No disrespect to the OP but if she has enough dates to be able to calculate that she has a 90% non connection rate then she probably has enough leverage to know that another one will be along soon and she can roll the dice again.

 

I actually haven't had as many dates as you might think. Definitely more than the 4 you state here, but for some reason men think that women are just inundated with messages, so many that we have no clue what to do with them!

 

This is not true at all, I'll have days where I get ZERO messages. 0! I had a date this past Wednesday, I had him laughing all night, we got a few rounds of drinks, we ate dinner. He was in no rush to leave, at the end of the night he tells me to tell him when I get home, I do, thank him again.

 

He asks me if I'd want to do it again, I say yes, I'd be down to get together again.

 

- ANNNNDDDD cue the crickets.-

 

ARRRRRGHHHHH.

[BluEyeL]

The problem with OLD is that the people you meet are selected rather randomly, although of course you have some information from their profile and interactions before meeting. But you have no way of knowing that you'll be compatible. The reason it leaves us stressed and jaded is because of this randomness you end up going out with a lot of people that aren't good matches. You raise your hopes up, only to have them crushed either immediately or some time after. Every time you hope that maybe this.

 

However, OLD is just one of the dating tools. You don't have to use it exclusively. If you didn't have it, how would you meet people? Meet people the old fashioned way and use OLD as a supplement to that.

 

I hated it too! I went out with maybe 30 men or so and it was pretty disheartening to have nothing work out again and again and again. People were saying it's a numbers game and I was hearing the words, but I wasn't feeling them. I was only feeling disappointment. Once, after yet another dating disappointment, I came home, laid on the couch and imagined what I actually wanted. Someone to feel close to, someone to go for a walk with around my neighborhood, why can't I just find it? And unexpectedly, because I never do, I'm a tough cookie, I began crying uncontrollably. So the stress was pretty darn high to have me break down. Luckily, three days later I met the man who was finally going to become my BF.

 

If I had to, God forbid, go back on OLD, with the experience I have, I would treat it even more coldly (I say "even more" because I've been accused that I have a rather unemotional approach) and look at it as simply a search process. Initial dates (up to 5 or so!) are just information gathering sessions. It doesn't work out, I would completely feel and know that every no brings me one stop closer to the final yes again! That is, if I know what I'm doing and now I do.

 

Also for both men and women, there is the same exact problem. We go after looks and status. 90% of people chase after the top 10% good looking partners. Both genders. Men more so for looks, but women are just as guilty of this as the men. I know we're whining for different reasons but eventually that's the reason. We chase the wrong people and for the wrong reasons. And we don't have patience, we want it to work out now!

 

Five years ago, when I was newly single, my friends were telling me about a friend of theirs who was single and wasn't finding a girlfriend and they wanted to set us up. They invited us both to a party. I threw a fit afterwards because I found him very unattractive. I told my friends "really? with that guy? how ugly do you think I am? Am I so disgusting that I should go for that guy?". Now I'm ashamed of my then reaction. But I also think the the guy in question is suffering from the same issue and this is why he is alone. He would like a girlfriend so much hotter than him and they react the way I reacted. Not that I'm "hot", I'm not really hot, just OK, and indeed even women who are not really hot can react that way. In fact someone being "hot" or "not" has nothing to do with how happy they can actually make you on the long term.

[KatZee]

BluEyeL-- I feel like we're the same person!

 

I go in with a clean slate every date, with hope, optimism, just to have it come crashing down. AGAIN.

 

I deleted my OLD profile yesterday. I've been on/off for 2+ years but this time I completely deleted it. I think I've reached my threshold for it.

 

"The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results." ~ said some smart dude.

 

So it's gone.

 

My girlfriend and I were discussing doing MeetUp. I think that's more of a "natural" way to meet people, by doing activities we enjoy and meeting people that way.

[BluEyeL]

Meetup is a good idea. Read that book and see if it changes anything for you. Good luck!

[deathandtaxes]

It's easy to get jaded in the dating world..OLD or otherwise. OLD is just a means to an end. I take it in waves. A month here. Take a break.a month there. Another break.

 

Seems your people picked is broken OP if you view such a high percentage of guys as not having a.connection with. Perhaps you are expecting too much on the first meeting?

 

I met my current gf from match. We emailed for a week before meeting. The first date was good.not eye popping good. But decent. Then we texted more. And by god the second date was effing awesome. If I had bailed because of a just good first date, then I would have shot myself. I wouldn't have found out how much we have in common or that we both find each other crazy attractive.

[whatcanitellyou]

The problem with OLD is that the people you meet are selected rather randomly, although of course you have some information from their profile and interactions before meeting. But you have no way of knowing that you'll be compatible. The reason it leaves us stressed and jaded is because of this randomness you end up going out with a lot of people that aren't good matches. You raise your hopes up, only to have them crushed either immediately or some time after. Every time you hope that maybe this.

 

However, OLD is just one of the dating tools. You don't have to use it exclusively. If you didn't have it, how would you meet people? Meet people the old fashioned way and use OLD as a supplement to that.

 

I hated it too! I went out with maybe 30 men or so and it was pretty disheartening to have nothing work out again and again and again. People were saying it's a numbers game and I was hearing the words, but I wasn't feeling them. I was only feeling disappointment. Once, after yet another dating disappointment, I came home, laid on the couch and imagined what I actually wanted. Someone to feel close to, someone to go for a walk with around my neighborhood, why can't I just find it? And unexpectedly, because I never do, I'm a tough cookie, I began crying uncontrollably. So the stress was pretty darn high to have me break down. Luckily, three days later I met the man who was finally going to become my BF.

 

If I had to, God forbid, go back on OLD, with the experience I have, I would treat it even more coldly (I say "even more" because I've been accused that I have a rather unemotional approach) and look at it as simply a search process. Initial dates (up to 5 or so!) are just information gathering sessions. It doesn't work out, I would completely feel and know that every no brings me one stop closer to the final yes again! That is, if I know what I'm doing and now I do.

 

Also for both men and women, there is the same exact problem. We go after looks and status. 90% of people chase after the top 10% good looking partners. Both genders. Men more so for looks, but women are just as guilty of this as the men. I know we're whining for different reasons but eventually that's the reason. We chase the wrong people and for the wrong reasons. And we don't have patience, we want it to work out now!

 

Five years ago, when I was newly single, my friends were telling me about a friend of theirs who was single and wasn't finding a girlfriend and they wanted to set us up. They invited us both to a party. I threw a fit afterwards because I found him very unattractive. I told my friends "really? with that guy? how ugly do you think I am? Am I so disgusting that I should go for that guy?". Now I'm ashamed of my then reaction. But I also think the the guy in question is suffering from the same issue and this is why he is alone. He would like a girlfriend so much hotter than him and they react the way I reacted. Not that I'm "hot", I'm not really hot, just OK, and indeed even women who are not really hot can react that way. In fact someone being "hot" or "not" has nothing to do with how happy they can actually make you on the long term.

 

That's very true. There is a segment of the population, both genders, that insists on aiming out of their league. If you're one of the few that pulls it off great, but even then you have to live with a partner that has a ton of options. I think it's better to have a partner that brings a similar amount as you do to the table. This is especially prevalent online where dating sites can turn into a shopping experience where people imagine they can always do better.

 

A friend of mine once got fixed up with someone through a dating service for professionals and when they met it was clear he was unhappy from the start. They did talk a little and it became clear that he'd used the service to try for a caliber of attractiveness he couldn't get himself because he wasn't that attractive. He figured the fact that he was a lawyer entitled him to a model.

[KatZee]

It's easy to get jaded in the dating world..OLD or otherwise. OLD is just a means to an end. I take it in waves. A month here. Take a break.a month there. Another break.

 

Seems your people picked is broken OP if you view such a high percentage of guys as not having a.connection with. Perhaps you are expecting too much on the first meeting?

 

Read my previous post on why there has been lack of connection. I don't spend too much time chatting, I think it's a waste of time. I spend maybe 2-3 days talking and then set up a plan to meet.

 

I think talking too much before meeting is what sets expectations up too high. So I then cease speaking to that person until we are scheduled to meet.

 

The things that occur on the dates are things you wouldn't learn by looking at someone online: ie: guy who was reeking like an ashtray, the guys with poor behavior in social situations. And of course, guys I am into who do not reciprocate is lumped into the "no connection" category since it will go no where.

 

Turns out I jumped the gun, and guy from Wednesdays date just asked me out again, so who knows maybe my luck is turning around.

[autumnnight]

Personality matters a lot to any guy who is serious about finding a quality woman.

 

I think this is gold.

 

I agree with your philosophy, OP, of meeting for coffee or something pretty soon. Contrary to what we think in 2015, you really CAN'T build an entire relationship on chat. You have to interact face to face.