Is it possible to revamp your life while in a relationship?

[drunkensquid]

I'm feeling like my life is in need of an overhaul, and I think that needs to include my girl. I need to quit smoking cigarettes, get in shape (not that I'm significantly out of shape, but I want to start taking my health seriously), start focusing on a career and financial goals. I'm 24 and I've had a lot of fun and I'm not struggling terribly to get by, but I really want to start living up to my potential. I am fairly intelligent but I have done next to nothing with this gift. I feel like I'm wasting my life. I've slacked off long enough. I've been with this girl for the last year and a half and as a couple we really haven't moved forward as people and I feel that should be happening constantly at our age. I like the girl, but I don't feel she's at the point where she's ready to make changes to herself or her lifestyle. I feel like I really haven't gotten to explore what I want in life because I've basically been ****ing around. As I'm writing this and thinking about it on "paper", I feel like I'm answering my own question.. I should ditch this chick and get my **** together, eh? The problem here is I've developed feelings for her and it's difficult to commit to the break up. So how should I do this? Just cut all ties?

[eye of the storm]

If you want to make some changes in your health and to start getting serious about your future, unless she is holding you back I am not sure why you would break up with her.

 

But if she is actively holding you back, then yes you two may be in different phases of your life and it may be in both your interests to split.

[Emilia]

Talk to her. It's possible that she will surprise you and I'm sure she deserves a chance. Tell her you want these changes in your life and that you need her to be on board because you are going to be a different person. She might embrace it, if she doesn't, you'll have to start thinking about moving on. You are only 24, your whole life is ahead of you.

[drunkensquid]

If you want to make some changes in your health and to start getting serious about your future, unless she is holding you back I am not sure why you would break up with her.

 

But if she is actively holding you back, then yes you two may be in different phases of your life and it may be in both your interests to split.

 

 

She is, in some ways, holding me back. She's not really interested in quitting smoking and it makes it very difficult to quit when you see someone else lighting up or even smelling like it. She doesn't seem to take a particularly great interest in furthering her education and seems content with her part-time, minimum wage job. I don't mind supporting her to some degree but a little help would be nice. At the same time, I am relatively codependent and I want to develope more independence.

 

There are a few other issues that are present. She has a son with her ex and I knew him decently well. I can't seem to really bond with him on an emotional level and it may be because I don't believe wholeheartedly that this is going to be long-term. Also, her and I were friends for a few years before we got together and we talked about everything. And I mean everything. I know a LOT of things about her that I wish I didn't. Three ways with 2 guys when she was 15, screwed a cop when she was 16, etc. For some reason it didn't bother me before we started dating but I think my mindset has changed and now this really gets to me. Not for the usual insecurity reasons most guys have, but because it makes me question her decision making. I also know she cheated at basically every opportunity she had with her ex. She even spent a month living with another guy, just for sex, when her ex went out of state for said month. They got back together and she denied it right to his face. They continued dating for a couple years after that. I'm not looking to be cheated on or lied to and I worry if it's and inevitability.

[drunkensquid]

Talk to her. It's possible that she will surprise you and I'm sure she deserves a chance. Tell her you want these changes in your life and that you need her to be on board because you are going to be a different person. She might embrace it, if she doesn't, you'll have to start thinking about moving on. You are only 24, your whole life is ahead of you.

 

 

She's a nice girl, and I want to believe that she has changed over the last couple years, but I found out recently that in the very few weeks between her ex and myself she even managed to sleep with a coworker. She says she's grown up and she doesn't want to sleep around.. but damn... I mean she was literally with her ex one week, this coworker the next, and me the next. There may have even been some overlapping..

 

Sexual issues aside, I think I can work past all of this giving enough time.. but I don't want these things lingering in the back of my mind forever.

 

I have talked to her about moving forward with our lives and she says she wants to do all of these things, but she said that a year ago too. It has to be both of us, or just me. It's hard to make progress in a relationship when the other person doesn't want to get the ball rolling. Or should I just start working on myself and see if she follows?

[alphamale]

So how should I do this? Just cut all ties?

first, stop smoking...second, deal with the broad

 

remember, baby steps

[blackcat777]

Changing your life doesn't necessarily equate to changing partners--it depends on whether the person wants to lift you up or drag you down.

 

My boyfriend left me when he moved away to college and I was devastated. I felt like he threw the baby out with the bathwater, he wanted to cut all ties to everything related to his hometown, and cut something really profound away in the process.

 

Fortunately, he felt the same way, and one of the biggest reasons he came back was that he realized he wanted to grow and change WITH me.

 

He realized I'm dazzled to watch him fly... and because he's hell bent on improving his own life, seeing what he can become, it keeps me on my toes, too. It's a positive feedback loop.

 

If you think about it, the body is made up of entirely new cells every seven years, so people who have been married for decades are literally several times over completely different people.

 

I'm not saying it's impossible... but you both have to want it.

 

I'm not sure how much she wants it, from what you said. A heart to heart never hurts before pulling the trigger.

 

Never stop reaching for your dreams, and never be afraid to know you can reach for a love that supports you reaching for your dreams.

[Quiet Storm]

It's true that people can bring you down, and it won't work if you are putting all this effort into changing your lifestyle, and she is content with life as it is. You don't want to end up resenting her, just because she's no longer compatible with you.

 

I would tell her what your goals are and see if she is supportive. See how she reacts to your changes- is she positive and genuinely happy for you? Does she go along with eating healthier? Or is she blowing puffs of smoke in your direction and stocking the fridge with junk, hoping that you'll fail?

 

Change comes from within, and while she may be content with this now, seeing you make improvements could prompt her to genuinely want to change for the better, too. My parents actually changed their lifestyle together. My dad was an addict, my mom a codependent and they stayed together and both worked on their issues. They worked hard individually and also on their relationship. They are both happier people now. (I must admit that my dad still smokes cigs and weed, but it's a huge improvement from his booze & coke days of the past).

 

If you really love her, I would try to do this as a team. If you find that she is holding you back or trying to sabotage your progress, then let her go.