Why am I this way? Breaking up for everything!

[MissLilly]

I knew this time would come, and I thought of this for so long but now maybe is the first time I'm really beating myself with this annoying thing of mine. I wanted to UNDERSTAND why I am this way and I see this as such a complex thing I know I maybe can't find help in here, but I'm venting because it's bothering, not only me but the persons I love and loved.

 

I'm not going to write a lot about my relationships, but I must say I had 3 serious ones in my life, never had one night stands or never went to the FWB status... I lived only 3 real relationships in my life and they were long... and unstable. They were the only men I knew, and I never had casual sex with anybody, just with these 3 partners of mine, never had meaningless flings, etc.

 

The thing that is bothering me is... I break up, broke up with them for everything. I mean, everything. And I KNOW it's wrong, was wrong, because they were (except the second one who was violent towards me) nice men, never cheated or NEVER did anything bad to harm me.

 

I don't understand why I have these bad impulses of breaking up with my partners for the smallest annoyances. I know it's wrong and I push them more and more away from me every time i do this. Is just something I can't seem to control!

 

At the time I decide this i always think is the best thing to do, for the smallest reasons! I think I decided the best for us, etc etc... but one day later i realize, after they tell me I'm being unfair, that I'm truly overreacting and yes, they are right. And he is so loving and patient he takes me back, until the next fight happens again, wash, rinse, repeat.

 

How, i beg, how do i stop? Is this some kind of personality disorder I have?

 

My mom asked me "why don't you solve your problems like any other woman in a relationship and you are always breaking up with your boyfriends for every little thing? And why do you regret one day later?" I don't know what to answer her. I know it bothers me. To death!

 

I don't even have anymore words to apologize to my boyfriend for my last "show". I just confessed to him it's not him, it's me I'm so aware this makes anyone think we don't love them, I KNOW, you all can be harsh to me if you want... but how do I put these words into actions to CHANGE? If I love him, and I do, I WANT him in my life, not letting him go, not pushing him away from me

 

I'm going to a therapist next wednesday and i'm going to ask him what is it, but right now i'm struggling with the PAIN i'm causing to my boyfriend with these actions I take. I love him and i'm tired of making people suffer. I truly am. And i am ashamed, so much.

[Downtown]

How, i beg, how do i stop? Is this some kind of personality disorder I have?

Lilly, a personality disorder is not something -- like chickenpox -- that a person "has" or "doesn't have." Rather, a PD is simply a set of basic human behavioral traits that everyone has to some degree. This is why PDs are said to be "spectrum disorders." These traits become a problem only when they are so strong and persistent that they undermine one's ability to sustain a mature LTR with another adult. At issue, then, is not whether you are exhibiting PD traits. Of course you are. We all are.

 

Rather, at issue is whether you are exhibiting PD traits at a moderate to strong level, i.e., whether you are on the upper end of a PD spectrum. Not having met you, I cannot know the answer to that question. I mention it, however, because the emptiness you feel and your propensity to start arguments over very minor issues are two of the warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Exhibiting only two of these warning signs, however, does not imply you are exhibiting a full pattern of BPD behaviors.

 

I therefore suggest you take a look at 18 BPD Warning Signs to see if most of them sound very familiar -- either with respect to your own behavior or that of your exBF who recently has been suicidal. If those signs seem to apply, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would suggest you discuss them with your therapist. And, if you like, I would be glad to discuss them with you here in your thread. Take care, Lilly.

[MissLilly]

Downtown, thank you for your reply, for not being judgmental and for going straight to the point.

 

Before coming back here BPD clicked in my head. I already know a lot of personality disorders because I have to deal with depression for many years now, so I used to read everything.

 

Checked lots of articles online (in english and portuguese, my native language) and identified myself with a LOT of traits. I don't want to diagnose myself, specially through here, but I must say your posts were the cherry on the cake.

 

1. Black-white thinking, wherein she categorizes everyone as "all good" or "all bad" and will recategorize someone -- in just a few seconds -- from one polar extreme to the other based on a minor comment or infraction;

 

I used to be this way, pretty much, but I tried to not speak anymore out loud because I became aware of the damages it causes to persons I care. But inside yeah, pretty much "he's perfect for me" when we are good and "I want him out of my life" when minor things happen and I don't feel well about them;

 

2. Frequent use of all-or-nothing expressions like "you always" and "you never;"

 

Same as above, i used to say a lot but started to internalize it more for fear of hurting. Still think a lot tho.

 

3. Irrational jealousy and controlling behavior that tries to isolate you away from close friends or family members;

 

Yes

 

4. A strong sense of entitlement that prevents her from appreciating your sacrifices, resulting in a "what have you done for me lately?" attitude (e.g., not appreciating all the 3-hour trips you made to see her for two years) and a double standard;

 

Check. Then, a huge guilt takes all over and I can't stop thinking how much ungrateful and bad I was. For very long periods of time (still feel guilty from things that happened 1 yr ago);

 

5. Flipping, on a dime, between adoring you and devaluing you -- making you feel like you're always walking on eggshells;

 

Yes. Today wrote him a letter apologizing for making him walk through a field full of mines i lay.

 

6. Frequently creating drama over issues so minor that neither of you can recall what the fight was about two days later;

 

yes.

 

7. Low self esteem;

 

Yes, i feel i'm never good enough, specially because even if he has his problems, he is for real an honest, kind, gentle, lovely person. I don't think I can make him happy at all.

 

8. Verbal abuse and anger that is easily triggered, in seconds, by a minor thing you say or do (real or imagined), resulting in temper tantrums or cold sulking that typically start in seconds and last several hours;

 

I pretty much feel the anger over minor things but I avoid verbal abuse. But we had big fights when we said very, very bad things to each other... and in temper tantrums i broke things, mostly non valuable objects but still did

 

9. Fear of abandonment or being alone -- evident in her expecting you to “be there” for her on demand, making unrealistic demands for the amount of time spent together, or responding with intense anger to even brief separations or slight changes in plans;

 

I never demand attention but I feel a very extreme anxiety (I almost panic, fast heartbeats and difficult breath) if I don't know where he is or if he doesn't at least say something to me to show he's alive and still thinks of me I live in a constant fear of him leaving me, and I already broke up for NO REASON, just because of this fear.

 

10. Always being "The Victim," a false self image she validates by blaming you for every misfortune;

 

Pretty much feel this way but when things calm down I blame myself for everything, for real, to make things go well again

 

11. Lack of impulse control, wherein she does reckless things without considering the consequences (e.g., binge eating or spending);

 

Yes! Also mention here I had a severe case of anorexia when I was 13, 14, of course not related to any relationship at the time, only related to my self image.

 

12. Complaining that all her previous BFs were abusive and claiming (during your courtship) that you are the only one who has treated her well;

 

Is true; but one of them was really abusive, my 2nd boyfriend, that's why I left him. Funny thing is the first time this one became physical abusive was exactly because I tried to break up over something minor, a misunderstanding.

 

13. Mirroring your personality and preferences so perfectly during the courtship period (e.g., enjoying everything and everyone you like) that you were convinced you had met your "soul mate;"

 

Partially true because We truly enjoy the same things, from food to music, life habits, dreams and everything... It is this way since I met him because we truly like the same things, that's why we started dating, and we enjoy doing things together a lot, because we have naturally very similar personalities in a lot of things.

 

14. Relying on you to center and ground her, giving her a sense of direction because her goals otherwise keep changing every few months;

 

Partially true... he's currently the center of my life because we are LDR. I'm away to visit my parents, so i'm not working here and I try to center my life on skype, internet so I can be always around if he needs me (he is depressed too right now).

 

15. Relying on you to sooth her and calm her down, when she is stressed, because she has so little ability to do self soothing;

 

I can become calm by myself but I need a while for this to happen, and almost always I regret anything I say even if i was 'right', and I just feel calm if we are stable again as a couple and not fighting.

 

16. Having many casual friends but not any close long-term friends (unless they live a long distance away);

 

Correct, I don't have friends, specially close ones, and I never could keep friendships. I'm better friends with males than females, because I prefer to talk about funny things and not about make up, babies, fashion etc.

 

17. Taking on the personality of whatever person she is talking to, thereby acting quite differently around different types of people; and

 

Kinda true but I have my own personality, except that sometimes I question certain aspects of it and always think "maybe if being this or that would make me a better person/feel prettier/feel better because it seems better than who i currently am"

 

18. Always convinced that her intense feelings accurately reflect reality -- to the point that she regards her own feelings as self-evident facts, despite her inability to support them with any hard evidence.

 

Sadly true. But it doesn't last and I, again, become guilty-filled! All over.

 

Answers in bold... I will read a bit more, tomorrow I have therapy and will talk to him about this. This is destroying my life and I don't wanna be this way I don't wanna break up with my boyfriend, I don't wanna make him feel I don't love him!! It's like I always have a strange need to run away when things are bad, but omg, why can't I just be quiet and wait for the storm to pass, why do I need to call him and say, time after time, "it's over" when it is not, NOT what i want???

 

I also smoke a lot, I don't drink often but when I do go for A LOT, and I used some drugs in life (marijuana, coke), for a short amount of time. I felt I needed a scape. Never was promiscuous tho, because I have strong personal boundaries, shyness and discomfort in being around persons I don't know so well. I feel empty! The pills are not working, feel they made me feel much worse. Thank you so much for your reply again.

[Els]

I think you probably need to get yourself out of the habit of acting on impulse. Hopefully your therapist will be able to help delve deeper into the how and why of your actions. But for now, IMO, a simple solution is to just make yourself wait a couple of days before acting on your breakup thoughts. Regardless of how badly you are feeling about your relationship at the moment, unless your health or safety is in danger, tell yourself you will not do anything now and re-evaluate in 2 days' time.

 

Of course, this is assuming that the problem does lie with you and not with your partner or the relationship. If you are getting these impulses often, even if it's over something 'minor', it's possible that you are in an incompatible/unhealthy relationship and that you really SHOULD leave.

[Downtown]

Before coming back here BPD clicked in my head. I already know a lot of personality disorders because I have to deal with depression for many years now, so I used to read everything.... I don't want to diagnose myself....

Lilly, you are wise to realize you cannot diagnose yourself. Only a professional can do that. You nonetheless are capable of spotting strong occurrences of the BPD warning signs. There is nothing subtle about behaviors such as irrational jealousy, lack of emotional control, and inability to trust your partner.

 

This is why hundreds of mental health centers have posted BPD symptoms (as well as other PD symptoms) online to educate the public. They know that your being able to spot warning signs will greatly increase the chances you will seek professional help and will do so quickly. For the same reason, they post the symptoms for breast cancer, heart attack and stroke. They don't expect the public to self diagnose but they do want the public to realize when they have serious problems so they will seek help quickly.

 

Keep in mind that BPD is not considered to be a disease. Rather, it is only a set of basic human ego defenses, i.e., a group of behaviors. Hence, if you are exhibiting strong and persistent traits of BPD, you are -- by definition -- exhibiting BPD behaviors. The reason is that BPD is simply a set of behaviors. The issue then becomes how strong they are and how long they have persisted. Persistence is an issue because everyone gets occasional temporary flareups of BPD traits, as can occur during adolescence, pregnancy, postpartum, PMS, perimenopause, or any other strong change in hormones.

 

But inside yeah, pretty much "he's perfect for me" when we are good and "I want him out of my life" when minor things happen and I don't feel well about them;

Lilly, if you frequently do black-white thinking, you may have experienced a trauma (e.g., abuse or abandonment) in early childhood that caused your emotional development to freeze at that point. If so, you never had the opportunity then to integrate the good and bad aspects of your own personality. That is, you never realized that you can be an essentially good girl despite the fact that you occasionally do bad things or have bad thoughts. The result would be that you will sometimes think of yourself as "all good" and sometimes as "all bad." Recognizing you made a mistake -- even a minor mistake -- can cause an instant flip to perceiving of yourself as "all bad." And, of course, you would view other people in that same black-white way too because you would be very uncomfortable trying to deal with ambiguities, uncertainties, strong mixed feelings, or other grey areas of interpersonal relationships.

 

Then, a huge guilt takes all over and I can't stop thinking how much ungrateful and bad I was. For very long periods of time (still feel guilty from things that happened 1 yr ago);

Being convinced you are "all bad" can cause enormous guilt. On top of that, you carry with you enormous guilt from early childhood if you are a BPDer (i.e., have strong and persistent BPD traits). Indeed, you would be filled with so much intense shame that your subconscious would be working 24/7 to protect your fragile ego from seeing too much of reality. The result would be that your subconscious is projecting thoughts and feelings onto your partner -- thoughts and feelings he really does not have. Because the projection occurs entirely at the subconscious level, your conscious mind will be convinced that those thoughts and feelings are coming from HIM.

 

Importantly, these types of thought distortions occur to ALL of us anytime we experience intense feelings. This is why we all know that our judgment goes out the window whenever we are very angry or infatuated. This is why we try to keep our mouths shut when angry and try to wait two years before buying the engagement ring. If you are a BPDer, the difference between you and nonBPDers is that, because you lack good control of your emotions, you experience those intense feelings far more frequently -- and you have only a primitive set of ego defenses to use in trying to recover from them.

 

Irrational jealousy. Yes.

If you have strong BPD traits, you have only a weak sense of "object constancy." You did learn some measure of object constancy, however. You learned, for example, that mother doesn't cease to exist when she leaves the room or is out of sight. Yet, you never got a strong sense that other peoples' personalities usually essentially remain unchanged from day to day and week to week. If you are a BPDer, your own feelings about people can change greatly from week to week. Hence, until you are able to trust your own feelings to be stable, you will find it very difficult to trust anyone else's feelings to be stable. You therefore will live in fear they will stop loving you and will abandon you as soon as they realize how empty you feel on the inside.

 

I feel a very extreme anxiety (I almost panic, fast heartbeats and difficult breath) if I don't know where he is or if he doesn't at least say something to me to show he's alive and still thinks of me.

Again, you are describing the signs of having a weak sense of object constancy. If you have strong BPD traits, there is also a second reason for hating to be alone. Because you have a weak, fragile sense of who you are, you don't even have "yourself" to keep you company when you are alone. You therefore have a great need to be around someone with a strong, stable personality who will help to center and ground you.

 

Frequently creating drama over issues so minor that neither of you can recall what the fight was about two days later. Yes.

If you have strong BPD traits, abandonment is not your only fear. The other great fear is engulfment, a feeling of being suffocated and controlled by your partner's strong personality. Although you will crave intimacy like nearly everyone else, after a short period of intimacy you will start feeling engulfed -- like your personality is being controlled or is disappearing into that of your partner. When this happens, your subconscious will try to protect your ego by projecting thoughts and feelings onto your partner that he doesn't even have.

 

In that way, you will be prone to creating drama and starting arguments "over nothing" following periods of intimacy. And, at a conscious level, you will be convinced -- at that time -- he truly is to blame for the fighting. If this is happening, you should be finding that your worst arguments with your partner typically occur during, or immediately after, the very best of times (e.g., following an intimate evening or in the middle of a great vacation).

 

I live in a constant fear of him leaving me, and I already broke up for NO REASON, just because of this fear.

When the abandonment fear becomes extremely painful, it is common for BPDers to preemptively abandon their partners before they have a chance to do it to the BPDers. There are two main reasons for this. One, of course, is to simply stop the painful fear. The other is to "test him" by leaving to see if he will seek reconciliation. Indeed, if you are a BPDer, you will be inclined to administer numerous, unending tests to your partner to see if he will pass them (i.e., to see if he truly is loyal and really does love you). Because your abandonment fear will quickly return, you will soon be administering another test to him.

 

I have therapy and will talk to him about this.

Therapists usually are LOATH to tell a BPDer the name of her disorder. One reason is that insurance companies usually refuse to cover it. Another reason is that, because BPDers have a weak sense of identity, giving them a new identity as "The BPDer" can make them start exhibiting 8 or 9 BPD traits instead of the 5 or 6 traits they came in with. Yet, if you tell your therapist that you believe you exhibit most BPD warning signs, he likely will speak candidly with you about BPD if he determines it really does apply.

 

One reason to expect such candor is that, if you have strong BPD traits, you have an amazing level of self awareness. It is rare for a BPDer to be so self aware because the thought distortions have been occurring for so long -- for a lifetime -- they seem perfectly natural to the BPDer herself. The thought distortions therefore typically are invisible to the BPDer, even after she has a chance to cool down.

 

I would guess that only 5% of BPDers have the level of self awareness you seem to have. I mention this, Lilly, because -- if you really do have strong BPD traits -- you have already overcome the biggest impediment to successful therapy: the lack of self awareness of one's own issues.

[MissLilly]

Thank you for your responses, and Downtown, reading your careful insights I started to cry because I could realize many things I've never thought about.

 

As a child I wasn't neglected but my parents (even today!) fought a lot. I was told an episode that happened when I was a toddler (1 1/2 yrs old) that my dad broke a thick whiskey glass on my mom's head and she said I screamed in horror when I saw her head bleeding (she was carrying me at the time and she said she didn't feel the pain but saw me covered with her blood, then she knew). I don't remember this at all, I confess, but my parents always, since I was a kid, spend 3/4 of an year without talking to each other, until today, but they never divorced and even fighting a lot, still live together (don't know why).

 

As a kid I was bullied and spent most of my childhood years alone, or trying to please the other kids so they could like me and let me be their friend.

 

I had anorexia when i was 14 and lost a lot of weight, people asked me at the time if i had aids or something... i struggled with this until my mid 20s, now i'm much better and love food like it's supposed to be.

 

I truly fear rejection, and i'm not doing well today. i feel deeply depressed as if my life never goes anywhere. I'm ashamed of my boyfriend (we talked today and he said he loves me, but is acting cold and reserved, I don't blame him), myself...

 

I'm under pills (i'm sorry if i'm repeating myself but I truly am confused right now, so i'm very sorry) and i was reading somewhere some medication can make us out of control IF we are borderlines (I'm not sure yet but i'm taking Xanax at night by prescription because my doctor saw I was having anxiety attacks and also before it I was not being able of sleeping well), I only know that I never felt so low before and never cried so hard without a proper reason like i'm doing today.

 

Tomorrow I have therapy and I will try to address him my feelings and struggles. I hope it works thank you so much for your time and patience. I just want to be normal and to have a normal and peaceful rest of life.

[MissLilly]

P.S.: You see, by talking to my boyfriend and trying to make amends I almost gave up again today, because of a small thing he said I almost pushed him away for good again. Believe me he was trying to help me and I almost broke it up again. Jeez, i feel out of control

[Downtown]

As a child I wasn't neglected but my parents (even today!) fought a lot.

Lilly, even if you do have strong BPD traits, it doesn't necessarily imply your parents abused you. A large survey of BPDers found that 30% of them reported they had NOT been abused or abandoned in childhood. This is one reason it is believed that the genetic predisposition (to being extremely sensitive to interpersonal relationships) may be so strong in some children that they develop BPD even though their parents are doing nearly everything right.

 

I truly fear rejection, and i'm not doing well today.

Even if you were to learn that you have full-blown BPD, you likely would be told you have a second PD as well. I say this because the survey I mentioned above also found that 72% of BPDers have a co-occurring personality disorder. Given your great fear of rejection, you may want to ask your therapist about the possibility of having AvPD (Avoidant PD) in addition to BPD.

 

I was reading somewhere some medication can make us out of control IF we are borderlines.

No, you likely are thinking of bipolar disorder. It oftentimes is confused with BPD because some people mistakenly use "BPD" to refer to bipolar disorder. Physicians usually take great care in ruling out bipolar before prescribing anti-depressants because such medication can cause a bipolar sufferer to suddenly experience such extreme mania that he will slip into a psychotic state. This danger exists because bipolar is caused by wild swings in body chemistry.

 

In contrast, BPD is a "thought disorder" (i.e., a personality disorder) that is NOT believed to be caused by changes in body chemistry (although hormone changes can exacerbate the BPD traits). This is why medication cannot make a dent in BPD itself. Meds nonetheless are prescribed for BPDers to address the co-occurring "clinical disorders" that often accompany the BPD. These comorbid disorders include depression, anxiety, PTSD, and bipolar disorder.

 

Indeed, it is common for a large share of BPDers to also have bipolar. That study I mentioned found that about 40% of the female BPDers also suffer from bipolar. If you are interested in reading about those study results, see Table 3 at 2008 Study in JCP. Also, if you are interested in reading about the differences I've seen between the typical behaviors of BPDers (e.g., my exW) and bipolar-1 sufferers (e.g., my foster son), please take a look at my post at 12 BPD/Bipolar Differences.

 

Never was promiscuous tho, because I have strong personal boundaries.

Having character and high standards for sexual activity does not imply you have strong personal boundaries. If you actually do have strong BPD traits, you almost certainly have extremely low boundaries. The reason is that, as a BPDer, you would have such a weak sense of self identity that you would rely heavily on your partner to center and ground your unstable personality. This means that your happiness would depend heavily on his being happy and your goals would be greatly affected by his goals in life.

 

In this way, you would feel like you are merging with his personality. Indeed, this merging process would be so strong that it would frighten you, making you feel like your personality is evaporating into thin air -- i.e., like you are losing yourself inside his strong personality. The result is that your personal boundaries would be so low that you would frequently experience the engulfment fear I mentioned earlier. Hence, if you have strong BPD traits, you almost certainly would have low personal boundaries.

 

Tomorrow I have therapy and I will try to address him my feelings and struggles.

Lilly, if it will be your first visit with him, don't be surprised if he takes a lot of notes and doesn't say much. If he eventually determines that you have strong traits of BPD and/or AvPD, he likely will not recommend conventional talk therapy because it doesn't accomplish much with personality disorders.

 

With BPD and AvPD, for example, the main problem is that the client never had the opportunity in childhood to learn the more mature emotional skills. Instead, the child kept a death grip on the primitive ego defenses that are available to young children. These include black-white thinking, denial, magical thinking, temper tantrums, and projection. The usual remedy, then, is intensive therapy (like Dialectical Behavior Therapy) to teach the BPDer those missing skills.

 

DBT teaches skills like how to do self soothing, how to better regulate emotions, how to escape obsessive mind looping thoughts, how to avoid black-white thinking by tolerating ambiguities and mixed feelings, how to be "mindful" (i.e., how to stay in the present instead of escaping into the past or future), and how to intellectually challenge intense feelings (instead of accepting them as self-evident "facts"). Lilly, best of luck tomorrow with your therapist!

[MissLilly]

In this way, you would feel like you are merging with his personality. Indeed, this merging process would be so strong that it would frighten you, making you feel like your personality is evaporating into thin air -- i.e., like you are losing yourself inside his strong personality. The result is that your personal boundaries would be so low that you would frequently experience the engulfment fear I mentioned earlier. Hence, if you have strong BPD traits, you almost certainly would have low personal boundaries.

 

This is SO TRUE, OMG. I felt this way in all my relationships. You see, i usually love rock, but with a boyfriend I had who used to listen only dance music (eurodance, hardstyle, not going to digress here lol), i then saw myself being a fan and downloading everything he liked (and felt I liked too). Same with movies... and other small things. With my current boyfriend, tho, I was lucky to finally find someone who shares the same tastes in music and other things. BUT, you are still very right, Downtown; because this pattern you described I had for most of my adulthood. Then sometimes when they were talking to me, imposing any kind of preference, limit or boundary, I felt the urge to run away.

 

Anyways I apologize because I don't know if this thread is even in the correct place anymore as we are talking about personality disorders... I apologize.

 

Yesterday I had a very long conversation with my boyfriend. He, too, can't forget some minor things that happened in the beginning of our relationship (he and I are very shy, and even with me saying I loved him he restrained saying it for a very long time... in frustration I talked a lot with friends on facebook, privately, and he got jealous of an ex teacher of mine. I was feeling lonely and afraid of a heartbreak, but I never cheated on him! I was only talking to friends but he can't forgive me still i think), and we talked a lot about them last night (again, again... it was not the first nor the second time). I felt like i was going to have a mental breakdown, because I couldn't stop crying.

 

I mean, i love this man, LOVE. Still, we both struggle with so much, plus the long distance, plus these annoyances from the past he can't put down... During the conversation I felt huge impulses of breaking up again, and again. But I held myself strongly, because I know now it's not him, it's maybe me! There is even a huge insane wish I have, if there were time machines... so I could make everything right

 

Today I woke up empty (like feeling as I had lost half of my body) and crying as soon as my eyes opened. Going to therapy in 2 hours.

 

btw forgive my english, is my second language, i forgot to mention before.

[Downtown]

Today I woke up empty (like feeling as I had lost half of my body).

What you're describing is another one of the hallmarks for having strong BPD traits. The emptiness feeling, and the feeling of losing half your body, are a mild form of dissociation. Although this term sounds weird and strange, keep in mind that all adults do mild dissociation many times each day. Do you remember the time you were driving and suddenly realized you could not recall seeing anything during the past ten miles -- not even the three lighted intersections you drove through?

 

Well, that's a mild example of dissociation. What happened was that, while your conscious mind was dreaming a thousand miles away, your subconscious was driving you through traffic and stopping the car for three intersections. The same thing happens when you go to the kitchen and, on opening the refrigerator door, suddenly realize you have no idea what you intended to get. Again, your conscious mind was a thousand miles away while your subconscious was carefully walking you around furniture and into the kitchen.

 

When dissociation becomes a bit stronger, you may have brief periods where you feel fake and not a part of your own body. Indeed, you may even feel at times like you are somehow "outside" your body. Moreover, when dissociation is very strong, a person's personality is so fractured that -- although he has only one personality -- he will appear to have "multiple personalities." When dissociation is that strong, the behavior pattern is called "Dissociative Identity Disorder" or "DID" (what once was called "Multiple Personality Disorder").

 

Significantly, BPDers do NOT have DID. I mention DID only because BPDers generally do experience dissociation more often and more intensely than most other people -- with the result that a BPDer's partner may sometimes feel he's living with a person who is half way to having strong DID traits. Strictly speaking, however, BPDers are not considered to be half way to having DID.

 

Lilly, please let us know how your first day at therapy went.

[Downtown]

Lilly, have you continued to go to therapy since your first appointment on January 28? Has the therapist been helpful, telling you something insightful?