When people pursue the obviously wrong choice.

[Phoe]

Ever since I was in say... middle school? I've always noticed that people seem to be attracted to and will pursue, absolutely 100% obviously WRONG people.

 

And it's a theme I see regularly on the forum, most commonly men ranting about the women who like the "bad boys" and then "settle" for the "good guys" after they've gone wild and been "used up".

 

Obviously, I've seen such things. Men who are blatant jerks, blatantly seeing multiple girls, have a reputation... they have no shortage of women. All my life I've watched things like that happen and scratch my head in confusion.

 

Over the past few years at my workplace, I've watched a similar thing happen with maybe a dozen or so different women.

 

There's about a dozen women at my work who are regularly pursued by fellow coworkers, regularly sleeping with or dating a coworker (or several). It's always this same group of women. And all the men know it. Yet they still go for these women.

 

I don't quite like saying nasty things, but I don't consider these women to be the most quality individuals. They are known for sleeping around, being dramatic and bitchy, partying and drinking way too much, making fools of themselves on facebook. They may not have the greatest hygiene, might have some weight on them, and one of them smells every day. Every. Day. Not one of them is particularly intelligent or hardworking, and will use and abuse and find shortcuts or ask for favors to get off of working as hard as they should.

 

And men pursue them. And do favors for them. And fall in love with them. I've watched 2 men in my workplace be in love with the same girl while she bounced back and forth between them, while also propositioning another coworker who says he considered it, but ended up saying no.

 

It boggles me that these men compete with each other for these women, and that these men will gladly continue to pursue these women despite knowing full well how they are.

 

A girl like me gets ignored though. My coworkers pursue these bad choices and just be friends with me.

 

Sure, I'm not the greatest. I'm not the prettiest or most attractive or the kindest or smartest person, but I'm not a walking train wreck. I'm a decent person and am easy to get along with and am pleasant to date. Yet no one who knows me wants to try dating me.

 

Sure, when a person, man or woman, pursues a bad choice, it may just be more exciting. The nice option may just be too boring. Can there be more to it though? Why do people willingly make these lousy choices?

 

In every case, everyone knew what would happen, that it would be a disaster, and it was a disaster, yet they all go for it anyway. Why do people walk into disaster?

[USMCHokie]

Because it's easy. Path of least resistance. Either the women are actively engaged in "pursuing" the guys, or they put up the least resistance when the guys "pursue" them.

 

And when word spreads that the girls spread, then it just becomes that much more appealing.

 

Are they hot?

[Redhead14]

Ever since I was in say... middle school? I've always noticed that people seem to be attracted to and will pursue, absolutely 100% obviously WRONG people.

 

And it's a theme I see regularly on the forum, most commonly men ranting about the women who like the "bad boys" and then "settle" for the "good guys" after they've gone wild and been "used up".

 

Obviously, I've seen such things. Men who are blatant jerks, blatantly seeing multiple girls, have a reputation... they have no shortage of women. All my life I've watched things like that happen and scratch my head in confusion.

 

Over the past few years at my workplace, I've watched a similar thing happen with maybe a dozen or so different women.

 

There's about a dozen women at my work who are regularly pursued by fellow coworkers, regularly sleeping with or dating a coworker (or several). It's always this same group of women. And all the men know it. Yet they still go for these women.

 

I don't quite like saying nasty things, but I don't consider these women to be the most quality individuals. They are known for sleeping around, being dramatic and bitchy, partying and drinking way too much, making fools of themselves on facebook. They may not have the greatest hygiene, might have some weight on them, and one of them smells every day. Every. Day. Not one of them is particularly intelligent or hardworking, and will use and abuse and find shortcuts or ask for favors to get off of working as hard as they should.

 

And men pursue them. And do favors for them. And fall in love with them. I've watched 2 men in my workplace be in love with the same girl while she bounced back and forth between them, while also propositioning another coworker who says he considered it, but ended up saying no.

 

It boggles me that these men compete with each other for these women, and that these men will gladly continue to pursue these women despite knowing full well how they are.

 

A girl like me gets ignored though. My coworkers pursue these bad choices and just be friends with me.

 

Sure, I'm not the greatest. I'm not the prettiest or most attractive or the kindest or smartest person, but I'm not a walking train wreck. I'm a decent person and am easy to get along with and am pleasant to date. Yet no one who knows me wants to try dating me.

 

Sure, when a person, man or woman, pursues a bad choice, it may just be more exciting. The nice option may just be too boring. Can there be more to it though? Why do people willingly make these lousy choices?

 

In every case, everyone knew what would happen, that it would be a disaster, and it was a disaster, yet they all go for it anyway. Why do people walk into disaster?

 

Because they are incomplete men and women. They are not focused or centered on their lives and the consequences of their actions for the long run in their lives. These are temporary fixes or band aids for things that are wrong or lacking in their lives. There will come a time when their past behaviors will come to haunt them and will cause them to stay rooted in these things or make them stronger people and push them forward to achieve what it is they really want for themselves and their lives.

[JuneJulySeptember]

I agree.

 

Mostly it's because of looks. People want react instinctively to what they are attracted to physically. It compels them and brainwashes them.

 

I also believe women react instinctively to men who exhibit masculine characteristics. It compels and brainwashes them.

 

But you really can't call in brainwashing per se because love is primarily based on things like physical/sexual attraction and provider/protector instinct.

 

When you say a person 'who is right', you may think friendship/compatibility, but that is actually quite low on the ladder.

 

It's what 'love' is so to speak.

[Phoe]

I agree.

 

Mostly it's because of looks. People want react instinctively to what they are attracted to physically. It compels them and brainwashes them.

 

See, this would make TOTAL sense, if these women were really attractive.

 

Like I said before, I hate talking down about their looks, but there just isn't much attractiveness there. Bad hygiene, smelly, weight issues, very badly damaged hair from dying it and bleaching and frying it, teeth uncared for.

 

And I can also see people looking past that if these women were sweet, kind, or intelligent or something of the sort. But they don't have that either. They are very bitchy or mean to others, and quite lazy.

 

The only redeeming quality I can really find, is that these women are fun. They party and drink and smoke and do drugs and are I guess just a lot of fun to party with.

[Phoe]

There's a woman who worked at my work for several years but is no longer there.

 

She was stunning. Beautiful face, perfect teeth, nice hair, nice body, very sweet and funny personality.

 

Not once did I ever see a man pursue her or hear a man at work talking about her. She totally flew under the radar at work.

[Phoe]

Because they are incomplete men and women. They are not focused or centered on their lives and the consequences of their actions for the long run in their lives. These are temporary fixes or band aids for things that are wrong or lacking in their lives. There will come a time when their past behaviors will come to haunt them and will cause them to stay rooted in these things or make them stronger people and push them forward to achieve what it is they really want for themselves and their lives.

 

It makes no sense to me.

 

People who are incomplete and have something wrong or lacking, you'd think they'd look for someone/thing that will bring good to their lives, bring something better and improve things.

 

I never was interested in the bad boy types. Luckily nor were they interested in me. I was always interested in the quiet, sweet nerdy type. Now, that did not exactly work out in my favor, as they ended up being jerky and abusive in the end, but at least my desire to be with men who appeared nice and sweet and polite, seemed logical in the first place.

[mammasita]

They're probably intimidated by the women that are "worthy" if you get what I'm saying. You for instance and the woman you just describe.....seem unattainable to most.

[JuneJulySeptember]

See, this would make TOTAL sense, if these women were really attractive.

 

Like I said before, I hate talking down about their looks, but there just isn't much attractiveness there. Bad hygiene, smelly, weight issues, very badly damaged hair from dying it and bleaching and frying it, teeth uncared for.

 

And I can also see people looking past that if these women were sweet, kind, or intelligent or something of the sort. But they don't have that either. They are very bitchy or mean to others, and quite lazy.

 

The only redeeming quality I can really find, is that these women are fun. They party and drink and smoke and do drugs and are I guess just a lot of fun to party with.

 

I created a thread a while ago that asked what type of man/woman people would pick out of a few choices.

 

And many people (mostly women, but some men too) responded that they would prefer a man/woman who presented and brought friction, high intensity fights and conflict over other flawed options.

 

YOU think that people value friendship type compatibility, nice persons, and puppy dogs and ice cream because you want that. I want that too. But half or more of people probably don't. They want looks, money, excitement, power, sex, who knows what else.

 

The #1 mistake you can make when dealing with romantic and non-romantic relationships alike is to assume people think like you.

Edited January 20, 2015 by JuneJulySeptember

[Phoe]

They're probably intimidated by the women that are "worthy" if you get what I'm saying. You for instance and the woman you just describe.....seem unattainable to most.

 

I don't get how anyone could consider me unattainable. It's so illogical and backwards. I'm nothing special, I'm just an average, nice girl. Nothing crazy about that! Hah

[Redhead14]

It makes no sense to me.

 

People who are incomplete and have something wrong or lacking, you'd think they'd look for someone/thing that will bring good to their lives, bring something better and improve things.

 

I never was interested in the bad boy types. Luckily nor were they interested in me. I was always interested in the quiet, sweet nerdy type. Now, that did not exactly work out in my favor, as they ended up being jerky and abusive in the end, but at least my desire to be with men who appeared nice and sweet and polite, seemed logical in the first place.

 

In many cases, a woman, for instance, is drawn to a man because they are like their fathers or brothers or someone close to them. They aren't really looking at that person, but the idea of that person.

[Phoe]

I created a thread a while ago that asked what type of man/woman people would pick out of a few choices.

 

And many people (mostly women, but some men too) responded that they would prefer a man/woman who presented and brought friction, high intensity fights and conflict over other flawed options.

 

YOU think that people value friendship type compatibility, nice persons, and puppy dogs and ice cream because you want that. I want that too. But half or more of people probably don't. They want looks, money, excitement, power, sex, who knows what else.

 

The #1 mistake you can make when dealing with romantic and non-romantic relationships alike is to assume people think like you.

 

The last thing I do is assume anyone thinks like me. I assume most people DON'T think like me, because I'm a bit odd and tend to view things in ways that others find strange.

 

I just assume that most people will try to make good choices. That most normal and healthy people will try to make choices that are good for them, and avoid choices that are clearly bad. Most people touch a hot burner and immediately pull their hand away, because it's hot and dangerous. People who deliberately make ridiculous dating choices are like the person who puts their hand on the hot burner and just leaves it there. Why are you not pulling your hand away?!? Stop it! This is bad for you and you know it!

[Redhead14]

The last thing I do is assume anyone thinks like me. I assume most people DON'T think like me, because I'm a bit odd and tend to view things in ways that others find strange.

 

I just assume that most people will try to make good choices. That most normal and healthy people will try to make choices that are good for them, and avoid choices that are clearly bad. Most people touch a hot burner and immediately pull their hand away, because it's hot and dangerous. People who deliberately make ridiculous dating choices are like the person who puts their hand on the hot burner and just leaves it there. Why are you not pulling your hand away?!? Stop it! This is bad for you and you know it!

 

People do things they know are bad for them, like smoking, for instance and they keep doing it because they aren't ready to quit, because it's easier, than quitting.

 

People continue in bad relationships or stay with people they know are not right for them because it's easier to stay than get the strength to do what needs to be done.

 

People stay in abusive relationships even though it's painful because they've become comfortable with pain and don't understand that they don't have to have it that way. Again, it's negative attention, but it's attention nevertheless.

[JuneJulySeptember]

People do things they know are bad for them, like smoking, for instance and they keep doing it because they aren't ready to quit, because it's easier, than quitting.

 

People continue in bad relationships or stay with people they know are not right for them because it's easier to stay than get the strength to do what needs to be done.

 

People stay in abusive relationships even though it's painful because they've become comfortable with pain and don't understand that they don't have to have it that way. Again, it's negative attention, but it's attention nevertheless.

 

It's mostly like that.

 

People want cigarettes because it makes them feel good and after that because they instinctively crave it.

 

Just like people want bad relationships but it's BECAUSE it provides them with whatever else they want. Either that abusive person is good looking, exciting, rich, etc.

 

90% of women and maybe 60% of men could be in a relationship with a wonderful person who was compatible with them and stable. But they are unattractive, so it's not an option. So, they choose an attractive person with a major flaw instead.

 

This is only counting the level headed people who are dating abusive people. Of course, outside that, there are d-bags who date d-bagettes. Etc, etc.

[TouchedByViolet]

It's probably a combination of drama, looks, and craziness that some people are into. I have never found drama and general insanity interesting... maybe you don't either and they pick up on it so don't approach you. The honest life might be boring for them.

[carhill]

Why do people walk into disaster?

 

Sometimes they're young and inexperienced.

 

Sometimes the disaster has a nice paint job on it.

 

Sometimes they're vulnerable to a disaster occurring.

 

Sometimes that's just how life works out.

 

 

Myself, my first two 'love' disasters happened when young and believing people too blindly, so I ended up enmeshed with a couple folks who turned out later to be MW's. Those experiences taught some harsh lessons and I really can't point to a subsequent disaster. Sure, sometimes things didn't work out but that's how life goes. I had relationships with three mothers, varying in profession from secretary to doctor, and married a hair stylist. All in all, no really negative or 'disastrous' memories.

 

If any interactions trended to disaster and I actively pursued them, I'd opine it was simply due to my own boundaries being inadequately formed and patrolled. The other persons were merely being who they were/are. I see it all as part of life's lessons.

[Ruby Slippers]

I think most people are romantically drawn to people who provide the right agitation or counterbalance to their own issues. I can certainly say it's true in my case. I've always been conscientious in pursuing good, honest love, but like everybody I'm drawn to the right medicine for me - or poison, depending on the point of view.

 

If the men at your workplace are not pursuing the quality women, I think it's because those men know they're not that serious and aren't offering quality themselves. As I've mentioned before, I think you'd benefit a lot from finding ways to meet more quality men on your level - whether through travel or whatever means necessary!

[clevelander321]

I think it is simple..

 

When we date it is a two way street. We cannot pick who loves us..

 

So, sometimes it is the aggressive/unstable/crazy type that falls for us. They pursue.

 

The stable guy or girl might have something the other needs on a conscious or subconscious level.

 

I think it is why you see good stable men with crazier women, and good stable women with guys they need to take care of more.

[todreaminblue]

I remember this guy who was chasing me hardcore when i was young a real bad boy.... a doorman who had women propositioning him all the time, he was aggressive and never gave up, often resorted to negging me.....

 

 

i ended up dating his co worker ...a guy who asked me once politely for a date and when i declined backed off and would always treat me like a friend...one day when i walked to work i walked past them on the door....i winked at the guy i was dating and said hello to the both of them.....and kept walking.....bad boy started calling out stuff like he usually did at my back.....he later said to the guy i was dating......do you know much about her, she is so stuck up, i have been trying to get that ass for months...he said yeah i know her......i am dating her.....apparently the look on the guys face was priceless......

 

 

i dont date bad boys.....i do understand its a popularity thing a challenge thing among women to tame the bad boy...what i have a problem with is guys who know i dont date bad boys and behave until the six month mark and then revert...... i talked to my daughter wanting to understand the pull of a bad boy who basically makes you feel well....bad and insecure......

 

and she told em they are sexy as hell......and they are not pussies or cowards they protect their women......and i said yeah but its more like a harem than just one woman......apparently a bad boy to my daughter is a nice guy who plays it cool and isnt a push over when other guys are around...she has alittle twisted view of what nice actually means and what bad really means...and a dickhead is just a rotten guy to her...and sometimes its hard to tell the difference between a bad boy and a dickhead....her words

 

i dotn think at all that a lower class of women are attracted to bad boys it can happen that you are attracted to someone without even really knowing them......i would think though a self respecting and gracious woman would eventually see through the facade......

 

as far as bad girls go.....i dont know.....i had men chasing me......i wasnt a bad girl at all......just one who didnt date easily or often......even now...i present a challenge for certain types of men......they eventually give up.... i am not a challenge at all really...i am just waiting for the right guy.......men figure that out after a while.....and they leave me alone.....

 

 

as far as the descriptions go phoe on the women you work with.....a little mean....do you really know them all that well to judge them so..some women open their legs for a man often when they have not gotten affection in any other way......and to me anyone who abuses alcohol on a regular basis often has a lot deeper issues going on....the same with promiscuity...alcohol and promiscuity go hand in hand..........deb

Edited January 20, 2015 by todreaminblue

[ascendotum]

There's a woman who worked at my work for several years but is no longer there.

 

She was stunning. Beautiful face, perfect teeth, nice hair, nice body, very sweet and funny personality.

 

Not once did I ever see a man pursue her or hear a man at work talking about her. She totally flew under the radar at work.

 

This seems weird. No pretty women fly under the radar at work sites I work at. The ones I can think of were the women did get left alone, the women were quite serious & aloof in nature or had an attitude from getting cheated on too many times/too many of the wrong guys. They didn't fly under the radar though, most guys would have tried to chat them up at some stage and picked this up and left them alone.

 

I was going to say these co-workers might not be pretty in the face but have nice bodies and dress to show them off, but I see you say most are overweight. I find many women discount that appeal (slim bod but plan face or plain personality) when it comes to other women, just because she doesn't have a pretty face or a chummy 'gets on with the girls' nature. Seems you have to put it down to their fun nature. Also when you say the guys are going for them, don't discount the fact that these guys have no intention of having a LTR with the women. They are accessible (at work with them 5 days a week), are fun, and seem to have a rep for being up for action.

[JuneJulySeptember]

I think it is simple..

 

When we date it is a two way street. We cannot pick who loves us..

 

So, sometimes it is the aggressive/unstable/crazy type that falls for us. They pursue.

 

The stable guy or girl might have something the other needs on a conscious or subconscious level.

 

I think it is why you see good stable men with crazier women, and good stable women with guys they need to take care of more.

 

Good point.

 

I think for some guys this is a major issue.

 

For example, I cannot pick who loves me and there have probably in my life only been less than 5 women who would date me. So, they have come with certain issues. I have been largely lucky though. They have mostly been good people, perhaps by coincidence.

 

I certainly envy people who have chock full of options. But even a woman who has say 100 men as options, only 5 of them might be physically attractive to her, and out of those 5, two might like her back. And if those two are abusive jerks, that's how that happens.

[carhill]

I think it is why you see good stable men with crazier women, and good stable women with guys they need to take care of more.

 

Though never dating or mating with such personalities, mainly due to rejection, I can see validity in the 'pull', primarily from having a caretaker personality. Ironically, caring for one (a truly mentally ill person) until they died cured me of any tendencies I had prior to be a 'caretaker' of women of any sort of mental state. BTDT have the medals and battle scars.

 

However, it was a personality feature for decades, so a valid potential reason for pursuing the wrong choice, in my case unsuccessfully. Today, whenever feeling the 'tug', though rare, I laugh at myself and accept it'll pop up from time to time. That's OK.

 

OP, IDK if this will work for you but it did work for me back when I was younger and the ladies were blowing by me to get at the, er, less than savory contemporaries in my demographic. I decided to accept that those ladies weren't for me and that was OK. It was a choice, respecting that I had zero control over them and 100% control over myself.

[compulsivedancer]

Sounds like these women put out "I'm available" vibes. Guys know they want to be pursued, and they know the women are "easy." Course of least resistance.

 

The girl next door sitting at her desk not making waves would be a risky person to approach. She might not be interested, she might smack them down hard. She might file sexual harassment charges. And they might spend a lot of money on her without her "putting out."

[clevelander321]

I also think, for many men, a pretty face and a nice body with a sad story is VERY powerful. We want to rescue.

 

Let's say I am a stable guy with a good income.. I go on two dates..

 

A. Pretty girl with nice job, life together, stable income

 

B. Pretty girl, life in disarray, poor decisions, bad credit etc.

 

Chances are woman B is going to be all over me. Loving, sexual, caring, etc. She might even just truly respect me for being a responsible man, and I also have something she needs.

 

Woman A does not NEED me. So we might have a few lukewarm dates while she is dating others until it just ends one way or another.

 

if woman A acted like woman B I would take her in a heartbeat. But that just does not seem to be how it works.

[Gloria25]

O

Because they are incomplete men and women. They are not focused or centered on their lives and the consequences of their actions for the long run in their lives. These are temporary fixes or band aids for things that are wrong or lacking in their lives. There will come a time when their past behaviors will come to haunt them and will cause them to stay rooted in these things or make them stronger people and push them forward to achieve what it is they really want for themselves and their lives.

 

I "liked" so far whom I agreed with, but love this one from Redhead41....

 

Phoe, we must be channeling each other cuz I'm having a hard week too...But, now and then I've pondered what you are pondering in your thread.

 

Now, I don't think I'm all that and a bag of chips, but when you see a lot of people going into stuff you can see is gonna fall apart - yet they have this "appearance" that they are in utopia, you can't help but scratch your head and wonder "why not me if all the 'tards are hooking up left and right".

 

Like Redhead41 says, these people aren't really happy, but they sure spend most of their time with endless pictures of them smooshing faces on social media to convince themselves and the world that they are the bomb and you suck.

 

Yeah, I haven't gotten laid in over two years...never had a guy propose to me. And, even whilethere are guys giving their house, income, and commitment to women with baggage and/or don't even treat them like a king (much less do anything with their looks/appearance to show some appreciation for him)...I take comfort in knowing I'm more discerning in who I let into my life, have enough courage to be alone than settle, and EARNED the house I live in, vehicle I drive, etc. (I didn't have to latch onto some dude to rescue me).

 

Hang in there, one day we'll find someone who recognizes what we have to offer...In the meantime we can pull out the popcorn and watch all the "fools" fall in/out of loooooove.